Disrespect-- Who defines it?

I would venture to say respect (or lack thereof) is a key component in most dd relationships. Respect is key. Wives must respect their hoh's and hoh's must respect their wives for this relationship to work. It is a cornerstone value in a good relationship.

But it can also be an arbitrary value. I mean, who decides what is disrespectful? Can the simple fact that a person feels disrespected mean that the other person truly was disrespectful? Does disrespect necessitate some kind of intent or attitude? Can disrespect be completely accidental or does there usual precipitate some kind of underlying attitude issue?

These are some of the questions I have asked over and over again.

Especially when my h gives me that *look.* You know the one.

Then I give him back the *other* look-- you know the--who me? what did I do?-- all innocent look. That wasn't disrespectful!

A few weeks ago was one of those times.

My h was unhappy because I was cutting my children's fingernails in the bathroom...at the same time he was in there shaving. <insert puzzled look here>

I was baffled. Why on earth was he upset at this???

He tells me that we have had this conversation before and he does not want the children in there during his morning routine. He doesn't like to be interrupted.

My baffled persona quickly turned annoyed...right after those darn 3 words.

It is disrespctful.

Disresepctful?!?!?! How in the world can cutting the children's finger nails be construed as disrespect???

You think everything is disrespect. 

Well, that comment got me over the bed in about two shakes of nothing.

And THAT made me mad.

WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!! That wasn't disrespectful. That was making a statement! 

We have had the premise of this conversation often -- who decides disrespect? The one doing the disrespecting or the one being disrespected? I mean, truthfully, one could feel disrespected by any little thing right??? That is not the other person's fault right? Doesn't disrespect need some kind of intent??? Don't I have to mean disrespect to be disrespectful?

My H doesn't think so. And around here, he decides what is disrespect. I don't always think it's fair...I mean, what about if he misunderstood what I meant??? Usually we are on the same page and I recognize the disrespect when he calls me on it...but sometimes? Sometimes, I just want to call foul! I think I should have some say if I was being disrespectful or not!!!

What do you all think???? Who determines disrespect? If someone feels disrespected does it automatically make the other person guilty of being disrespectful???

Stay-mission: A Submission Staycation

Awhile back we were struggling with my not being able to find that "submissive" place. . .

A few weeks of a rough patch, feeling rather disconnected, and me feeling rather off in my submission, led us to a mini- boot camp, boss weekend but not quite weekend experience. We only had 24 hours, we haven't even read the boot camp books, so I dubbed the experience a "stay-mission"-- A submission staycation.

I drove the kids to my parents, came and picked up SC and we headed to the grocery store. I say I picked him up, but really as soon as I pulled into the driveway, he kicked me out of the driver's seat..he's kind of controlling like that...

We grabbed what we needed and headed home. I was pretty nervous. We hadn't talked about expectations or rules for the time ... I handed over my phone when we got into the parking lot assuming that would be an expectation. I kept glancing nervously at him. Questioning. He just smiled. 

As we got home and I started making dinner...we thought making dinner together at home would be better that going out...give us something to do together, and offer more privacy. I think it was way more awkward than it should have been!

(hindsight is 20/20 and we definitely should have talked more about expectations!)

After dinner he laid out the plan.

• I had to ask for permission for everything. (drink of water, bathroom, etc)
• He planned 4 spankings in that 24 hour period (I ended up earning two extra making the total 6)
• I was to use "sir" the entire time. (He only usually requires this during punishments)
• A complete submissive attitude was the goal. 
• Internet/phone was limited. (He had my phone and pretty much said no any time I asked to use it or the ipad). 
• There would be a zero tolerance policy on respect
• Immediate obedience would be expected, and some things would not be easy
• He picked out my genre of clothing (or lack thereof...not sure lingerie is considered clothing????) 

Conclusion? 

It was tough! Four spankings in a short time was tough! And having 2 extra in there was tougher!

Apparently I needed an extreme reset to get me to find that submissive place. I must have been far gone. Of course it has been awhile and apparently that submissive me didn't stick around....oops. 

I definitely think the experience was a good one. I definitely could have done without the last "it could always be worse" spanking. ACK. 

I appreciated the level of dominance he displayed. I originally thought such an experience would freak me out, but I felt so close to him and so loved and cherished. 

I certainly could never live day to day with that level of control, but I can certainly see the benefit of a weekend like this here and there. 

Sorry for the lack of details...it was a while ago! I need to be better about this blogging thing!

10 Things My Vanilla Friends Would Be Horrified to Know about Me...

You know that number thing going on around Facebook? Like the status and you get a number and have to share that many things about yourself? Well, my number is 10. Only I can't share the things NO ONE really knows... but it would be fun if I could, just imagine their reaction!

(please don't hate, don't judge...this is supposed to be the safe place right....RIGHT?!?!? ;)

1. I am submissive. (I know, I know, no surprise to all of you, but my vanilla friends would fall over in their chairs laughing at that statement!)

2. My husband spanks me. Like when I break rules..and for fun...but they aren't the same...in fact...I am sitting here writing this on a pretty bruised bum...

3.  I often call my husband "Sir" .... well, sometimes he requires it. 

4. I have to write lines for doing stupid things sometimes...and I have had to stand in the corner once in a while...

5. We go all 50 Shades in the bedroom occasionally...

6. There are bondage "things" hidden in our room--- attached to the bed actually...and other places...

7.  My husband has a "toy bag." (yeah those kinds of toys SC is a bit of a toy and implement junkie...the good and the bad...going to need a 2nd bag soon) (I keep saying we need to put a disclaimer on it in case we die...you know "Do not look in here if we die, just throw this bag away!")

8. My Kindle is full of dd and spanking fiction. Go ahead...be horrified. And yes, I have been spanked for spending too much on spanking fiction...go ahead and laugh...

9. Yes, I read all three 50 Shades books...yes, I know I vehemently denied it...but really they are tame and boring compared to Renee Rose and Maddie Taylor...

10. Oh, and BTW, I write a secret blog about my life in domestic discipline...

Can you just imagine those vanilla faces?!?! Oh my... oh well. Guess I will go write something from which they won't die of a heart attack ...

The Importance of Spanking in DD (for me)

Recently I read a post of at LDD about dd without spanking. I admit, I did a lot of thinking about this. You hear a lot of dd people say how spanking is only part of it...a small part for many. So, I have given this a bit of thought, because honestly, for us, spanking has been a big part of dd.
(I completely understand that this is not the same for all...and that for some couples spanking does not work the same way...and that for some spanking is impossible.)*disclaimer -- hence the title of this post! 

We as dd wives often talk about the fact that we don't know why spanking works, we just know it does.

It settles us.

It is stress relief

It resets us

It helps us to remain/get into a submissive state

It works, and is therefore, for us, a critical part of dd.

This week, I got a taste of life in dd without spanking. Something happened last week that kind of upset the cart. SC declared us on a spanking hiatus until he could work it out. He was still HoH, I was still to keep the rules, there would still be consequences, just not spanking.

Corner time, journal entries...they just don't "reset" like a spanking does. I still feel guilt for much of the last week...Corner time makes me ANGRY...so that's not very effective! :P

I have just felt...unsettled.

So, that made me think more...what IS IT about spanking... why does that do what it does?

I still don't have all the answers...but I think my eyes were opened a little.

1. It asserts his authority

2. It causes you to submit-- the simple act of being sent to the bedroom or over the bed can sometimes resettle me into submission

3. It humbles you: The simple act of going OTB or OTK is a HUMBLING position

4. Physical connection: simple hand to bottom connection-- It is not only physical connection, but the physical connection does further amplify your roles

5. It strips your defenses-- It is hard to be defensive in this position. You are no longer defending yourself or attacking your HoH, you are focused on where you failed, and how to not do it again. 

6. It renders you physically vulnerable-- no where to go, nothing else to distract

7. It renders you emotionally vulnerable-- all false pretenses are gone in this position

8. It releases guilt-- things are atoned

9. It releases the HoH from any frustration or disappointment-- he has "taken care of things"

10. The pain causes physical release of endorphins in your body-- this can feel like an emotional release. (catharsis)

11. It leads to a physical reconnection

12. It leads to emotional reconnection. 


Corner time, lines, essays, grounding...while all effective punishments in their own right, do not do what spankings do (for me).

While I know some are perfectly content to have dd without spanking...dd without spanking has left me restless and disconnected. I feel like I did before dd-- we are "fine". "Fine" is no longer acceptable....

Good thing he has declared R/A for tonight...I am ready to be back connected in his arms...after being over his lap of course.


**this was written a few days ago...we have had R/A and all is right in our little world once again!

Role Affirmation

What is Role-Affirmation?

Role Affirmation is a lot like maintenance spankings, but unlike maintenance which can target a specific rule needed to be worked on, or simply be regularly scheduled for any number of reasons, role affirmation is solely for the purpose of reaffirming the roles of HoH and submissive wife. Role Affirmation is not as severe as punishment spankings, for us they are more like maintenance. For us Role Affirmation spankings are always done OTK as opposed to punishments which are almost always done OTB. Being OTK makes me feel more connected. The physical closeness and connectedness helps plays a part in the emotional reconnection that happens during R/A.

Why Role-Affirmation? 

Staying submissive is not easy for me. And once I start slipping here or there, I steamroll fast. My husband is amazing, but he is not a mind reader, and he doesn't always see the small subtle cues that I am battling my inner-submissive. If he doesn't catch it early, it isn't long before I am a sassy mess. The eye rolling, disrespectful comments, and yes, the dreaded bratting begins in full force.

Without putting the breaks on quickly, it all too quickly leads to a punishment spanking. Except...there is something that can stop it before it gets out of hand-- role affirmation. A role affirmation spanking can reset us in our roles and reaffirm my HoH in his place as head of our relationship and me in the submissive role. I offer submission, but sometimes I need to be reminded that he took me up on it!

Another reason for role affirmation is before or after either partner has been away. We find this very helpful. Not always, but occasionally before either of us leave he will do R/A to help me get in the right frame of mind before either of us leave. Whenever I am away from him, the dynamics of life change, and I don't have the constant interaction with him that helps our dd dynamic thrive. Often when we are apart, I am left in charge of everything-- the house, the kids, day to day decisions. It is easy to slip into isolated independence. While there is nothing wrong with providing that which is needed while he is gone, sometimes the transition back to him physically present is challenging. I am out of the practice of asking permission for certain things, am not as careful of my tone with him, being held accountable consistently, etc. When we come back together, he will usually use Role-Affirmation as a way to reconnect and reestablish us back in our roles.

One of the major benefits for me of R/A is that it can often keep me from receiving a punishment spanking. I know the concept of a spanking preventing a spanking is rather counter-intuitive, but it works. DD is pretty much entirely pragmatic right? We do it because it works...not because we can explain it! If SC sees me edging closer to the line, he can often reign me in with R/A before it gets to the point that he has to punish. A lot of times for this purpose it is in the mornings when he is about to leave for the day, and he can see that the track I am does not have the greatest outlook for the day. A quick trip to the bathroom for some R/A resettles me and drastically increases the statistical probability I will make it through the day without breaking a rule! Since R/A spankings are nowhere near as hard as a punishment spanking, I would much rather catch it early and skip the punishment!

Who Initiates Role-Affirmation?

In the beginning, I was often the one to initiate role-affirmation. I would never come out and say "I need a role affirmation spanking..." I am not crazy! I would say little things like "I am feeling unsettled..." or "I feel disconnected." He began to understand those cues, and he would offer R/A.

After awhile, I felt less comfortable expressing my needs in this area. I admit this is a fault. I should be comfortable with it, but I think most dd wives understand the frustration of feeling needy! Asking for R/A made me feel needy...why couldn't I just feel submissive? Why do I need to be spanked to avoid a spanking? Frustrating and futile self-talk. The fact of the matter is...it helps, so I need to embrace it.

SC is the one who initiates it before or after being away. He will declare time for R/A if he seems me slipping or edging too close to the line. In our relationship, either can initiate. In his case he declares it, and in mine I may request it...or more likely subtly hint to the need for it!

Who initiate will likely depend on your dd dynamic. Some HoH's might be ok with the wife suggesting or asking for it...others might not.

How is it different than maintenance?

Some may read this and ask, this sounds an awful lot like maintenance. And maybe in your dd relationship, maintenance is enough. For us, while we don't do "regularly" scheduled maintenance, SC will call for maintenance if he sees a slip in certain rules, or I need reminding of a certain rule or rules. In maintenance, SC always goes over our list of rules and refocusing on all rules and our relationship is the goal. Role Affirmation is almost like targeted maintenance. It isn't for any particular infraction or reminder, it is simply about reminding both HoH and submissive wife of their roles. While maintenance has many physical purposes-- keeping you from physically needed a punishment, Role Affirmation is purely emotional-- reestablish the connection before you act out due to emotional unsettledness.

But is it fair?

I know a lot of couples have issues with the ideas of maintenance and role-affirmation. DD is TTWD...we all have to be comfortable with the boundaries of our own dynamics. If this works for you, great. If it doesn't, great!

I think with R/A, if it doesn't "work" for the wife-- make her more submissive, feeling emotionally connected, and happy with the relationship, then this wouldn't be fair and she wouldn't want it. However, if it does the intended or the wife requests it...perhaps it is worth a shot. If either partner feels uncomfortable with it afterward, you know that R/A isn't for you.

Well, those are my thoughts on R/A...written as requested by a dear friend and fellow blogger. Hope it helps someone!

The HoH: Great Privilege and Great Responsibility

We have all heard the quote "With great freedom comes great responsibility" -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Well, it's true. And with great privilege comes great responsibility.

When our husbands took on the role of Head of House, they took on an amazing coat of responsibility. I don't think either of us could have fully understood the depth of that responsibility. The HoH is the leader, protector, rule maker, rule enforcer, emotions monitor, and all around rock of the relationship. 

No pressure, right? 

When our HoH's mess up...the foundation shakes. A shaky foundation is SCARY. I am the one who messes up. I make mistakes...not him. When he does fail--when not if--because he WILL, he is human, I can feel lost and confused...unsure of everything. 

He holds my trust because he has earned it. He earns it every day. The role he plays in my life is a great privilege-- one I have granted him. 

My H takes that responsibility seriously. And honestly, rarely does he flub it up. I mean, of course he says something here or there that he shouldn't and he apologizes and all is fine...but rarely has he really shaken the foundation. 

Unfortunately, that happened last weekend. He messed up, and it sent me into a tailspin. It wasn't earth shattering and it wasn't so drastic...but it shook me up nonetheless. We spun right back to over a year ago, pre-dd, and fought like we haven't since then. I said hurtful things, he said hurtful things. I stormed upstairs and he let me. He silently went to bed, fell asleep, and I lay there...crushed. 

How did that happen so quickly? How did we tailspin backwards a year...all the progress of the last year gone in the blink of a disrespectful conversation. 

I got up from the bed, walked out of our room and went downstairs...fully expecting him to call out to me at any moment. He never lets me walk away angry. I normally can't get up to use the restroom at night without him waking up and asking if everything is ok. 

Yet, nothing. He just let me go. 

I was devastated.

Oh the many things I wanted to say to him. The forbidden "J" word came to mind often (Jerk--which he HATES). I almost used it just to see if he would snap out of wherever he had taken himself...almost..apparently I did have some small sense of self preservation left. 

Today we talked...I told him how shattered I was. That he is the HoH, and I don't know what to do when he acts like that. He said I was too angry and he was too angry. He said I was being defensive and disrespectful. I shot back with whose fault is that??? If I am too much for you to handle just tell me. 

Where was this coming from??? Who was this person??? I told  him, you are the HoH, you don't get to act like that. You don't get to make mistakes like that. 

SC: You expect me to be perfect.

No, I don't ....not perfect...well, maybe close to perfect...

SC: You expect my emotions to be bulletproof.

Wait. He may have a point. I guess I do. I don't often leave him any room for error. I have established in my own mind what is "HoH worthy behavior" and nothing less is acceptable.

And I told him that...in not such a respectful way...I told  him his behavior was not "HoH worthy."

I was harsh. 

I have given him the gift of my submission and I expect him to treasure it. To guard it. And he does...but that doesn't mean he won't mess up. It doesn't mean he doesn't get angry and do and say the wrong things sometimes. 

Perhaps my expectations are slightly askew. Perhaps I don't offer him enough grace...(telling him I am about to go Spencer plan on him isn't very graceful is it?!?!)

In the end he did apologize, and I did get spanked...and we did restore our relationship back to its rightful place...but I spent several days still slightly afloat. The foundation was still intact but the shaking left me unsettled. It took several days of serious consistency and him not missing a thing for me to feel settled again...He held me close...just where I needed to be.

My HoH is an amazing husband, and a fantastic Head of House...but he is not perfect nor should I expect him to be. He has been given a great privilege with my submission, and I expect, and he delivers...great responsibility.   

When they mess up, we don't get the privilege of spanking them. In fact, when they mess up we usually get spanked because of how we respond to their mistake...

It's hard. But it is what we have chosen. They mess up, we get angry, we get spanked, all is well. What if we changed the pattern? What if I changed the pattern? What if he messed up, I forgave him, and all was well...(skip the disrespect and spanking part!) Offering grace and forgiveness...but they deserve it. My H deserves it.

He treats his great privilege as a great responsibility...and to me, that is a great treasure. 

His and Her's Meme

A little late to the party, but we finally got around to answering Callie's Meme from About Us. Jennelle at A New Perspective and Tricia at Love of My Life, Head of the House also participated if you haven't checked them out yet. 

The first set of questions are me answering about my H, and the second set are his answers about me. 

Enjoy!

1. Using three words, describe your husband’s personality.

Loyal, honest, caring

2. What cologne do you prefer him to wear?

Polo sport

3. He looks totally sexy wearing…

These super sexy black boxers he has…

4. You’re going on vacation and the first thing he packs is:

An implement…and then his fishing stuff.

5. Would he pay a tradesman (plumber/electrician/builder) or do it himself?

He does everything himself…I have to beg for him to hire someone just because we don’t get enough time with him!

6. Would he rather watch sports or play sports?

Watch football…play—fishing (that’s a sport right?) and kayaking

7. If you could buy him any brand new car, what would you get him?

A truck… an F250

8. The stereo in his car is most likely playing:

Country

9. His favorite tv show:

Duck Dynasty

10. His hand gets itchy when:

Just one thing? When I get disrespectful…or speed...or yell...or roll my eyes...yeah...he's twitchy ;)

11. What is he likely to be doing on the weekend?

Helping around the house, playing with the kids, watching football, fishing every once in awhile when he can get away…

12. How many siblings does he have?

He’s an only child..

13. The thing I love most about him is:

He is the best listener … for me and anyone who needs a listening ear. He is the one everyone comes to in crisis.

1.  Using three words, describe your wife's personality.

Exciting, determined, sanguine

      2. What perfume do you prefer her to wear?

She doesn’t wear perfume          

3.       She looks totally sexy wearing…

Lingerie

      4.       You’re going on vacation and the first thing she packs is:

The kids’ stuff

      5.       Would she pay a cleaner/housekeeper or do it herself?

She would rather pay, but she does it herself anyway       

6.       Would she rather watch or Play sports?

play.

      7.       If you could buy her any brand new car, what would you get her?

I think she has her perfect car.

      8.       The stereo in her car is most likely playing:

Kids Music Together or Way FM

      9.       His favorite TV show:

Currently? We don’t watch TV. I guess I would have to say Covert Affairs? Is that right? I don’t know that she has a favorite…

     10.   Your habit that she finds really irritating

      Which one? I can only list one? Let’s see…tickling her feet.

     11.   What is she likely to be doing on the weekend?

Running kids around…

     12.   How many siblings does she have?

5

     13.   The thing I love most about her is:

I hate those “most questions” there’s too many things to choose from. I have to pick one? <yes> Her integrity.

Well that was fun...even if it took forever to get those questions answered! :) 

Reluctant Consent

Warning-- this blog post was difficult for me to write. So difficult in fact, it represents emotions and feelings of several months ago because I just wasn't ready to share it. However, I think vulnerability in emotions in this lifestyle is healthy, and maybe, just maybe it might help someone else...


In the DD world, the concept of consent is big. Like HUGE. Consent is everything. We live this lifestyle because we choose to, regardless of whose idea it was or who initially wanted it.  We do it because we mutually agree to this type of relationship.

We are no different. I submit to SC and have granted consent to a domestic discipline lifestyle.

Just because I have granted consent, doesn't mean I always like it.

DD wasn't my idea. And honestly, sometimes I have questioned it. Especially after a particularly hard spanking.

A few months ago was one one of such times. I was in trouble...again...and it was a pretty intense spanking.

I got mad.

Yeah, not the reaction he was going for with that paddling.

As he tried to hold me, and was not oblivious to my emotions and distancing, I turned to him and asked:

"How can you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Spank me like that. How can you do that? Why do you do it?"

I was battling this inner struggle, not for the first time, of how could this man that I love and respect, actually follow through with spanking me. I mean, it's no play thing. Punishment spankings hurt. They can be intense. Occasionally I question how or why we do this. Why does he do it, why do I let him.

It is part of the emotional roller coaster for me. One moment I am complaining (albeit internally) that he doesn't spank often enough or hard enough...or consistent enough. How could he let that go?

And then half a breath later, How can he do that?

Yeah, there is nothing rational about it, but it is the reality of my emotions nonetheless.

Only this time, I voiced my thoughts. I actually asked him how he could do it. I asked him why.

I held my breath as I waited for him to answer.

He held me tight and he responded,

Because I love you. And because you have asked me to. You have asked me to hold  you accountable, and I am just following through on my part. 

Dang rational HoH brain.

You see, hard spankings may make me angry sometimes, and I may question why we do this, but ultimately he has my consent. I agreed to it. With one word it could all stop.

We have talked about that-- stopping dd that is. I don't think I really want to stop when I have brought it up...maybe I just need to be reassured that I have that choice? That I wouldn't ruin our relationship if I pulled consent.

He is never really please with that conversation. He has no desire to give up dd. I don't either...but sometimes...sometimes I question. Sometimes, while I have granted consent, it is reluctant.

For weeks after that spanking I was "off." I don't really know what was going on. I struggled to find that submissive place I work from in dd. I am not naturally submissive. I have to work hard to get to that place. I like it when I am there. I enjoy pleasing him, I enjoy the care and tenderness he offers there. I love being "His."

But reluctant consent is a difficult balancing act. It is an inner emotional battle. We continue because cognitively I know we need to-- in my head I know this lifestyle is right...but I don't feel it in reluctant consent.

I can't fake it. I never have been a good liar. Actually I am terrible at it. My emotions are an open book. So when my consent is reluctant, I need to keep communication with my H open. He needs to know what I am thinking and feeling so he can help me.

It took awhile to get back to normal. I cannot guarantee I will never feel that way again. I doubt that is the last time a spanking will make me angry...I doubt it will be the last time I question why. But the wave passed. The feeling of lostness with it has gone.


So, this post feels so depressing. I was in a rough place for awhile as far as dd goes. For about a month a lot of questions plagued me. Things are better. A lot better. And while I know my questions which are fueled by emotions will probably creep back, the longer we are in the lifestyle, the more reasons we find to continue.

Honesty and communication in this lifestyle are so important. I am so very glad I was able to share even the difficult details of this with my H. We don't face anything--even the toughest emotional battles -- alone.

Reluctant consent may not be a great place to be...but it has its own lessons to be learned. I'm just glad it's over....Reluctant Consent. It may be reluctant, but it was still consent. And I am super glad it has given way to just plain 'ole consent.

"Am I Making Myself Clear" Spankings

We talk a lot about the different kind of spankings we as dd wives receive-- punishments, maintenance, stress relief, resets, good girl ...well, I experienced a new one this week. I know, lucky me right?!?

SC was gone for a few days last week and though it was short...it was long enough for me to do something STUPID. Yeah. Super stupid. And seriously y'all, I don't even use the word stupid. It's like a total four letter word around here.

I totally lost it and screamed at one of the kids. I was so totally ashamed, devastated really. I cannot believe I did it. I have always been a yeller, but we have made such strides in this area...I cannot believe I screwed up so badly. I apologized soon after it happened and worked hard to make it up to him. He was the sweetest thing ever and forgave me right away. We redeemed the day, and actually had a great rest of the day.

But, I couldn't undo what had been done. My fate was sealed.

When he gets home from a trip it is always so bitter sweet...I can't WAIT for him to get home, but I totally know with him comes the spanking of all the rules I have broken...

Besides the crazy loss of my mind with our child, I had a speeding incident that involved 15 mph over the limit...

I knew it was bad when he sent me up to our room, and lie on the bed to wait for him. He never does that.

Then I should have further deduced the seriousness of the moment when I saw 2 wooden paddles, a leather paddle, and a strap. GULP.

Further understanding might have been had when he told me to lie flat on the bed for the warm up so it wouldn't be so long OTB later. GASP.

What in the world?!?

I am going to make this memorable. The next time you go to scream at our kids, I want you to remember this so we don't end up back here. 

A whole-heck-of-a-lot of spanks later...

Am I making myself clear?

Crystal....sir. ;)

I don't recommend "Am I making myself clear" spankings...I recommend avoiding them at all costs.

Line Dancing...and friendships

Well, it's official. I get a big "F" in blogging. I cannot believe I have let it go so long without stopping in! Sorry ya'all!

It has been a crazy month, but a good one. and a difficult one.

I spent the better part of the last month questioning a few things about our dynamic and wondering if we would ever make dd "just another part of life." Things seem to change so often in our dynamic that normalcy does not seem to be one description we could use. More to come on this soon...


We were gone for a long weekend last week which was wonderful, and super fun since on top of a weekend away with no kids, (even thought it WAS a work trip for my h!) I got to meet up for lunch with 2 amazing dd wives!

I was totally freaked out. What if we had nothing to talk about? What if we just stared awkwardly at each other? What if I didn't fit the "right" personality for a "good" dd wife...what if it was horrible?!?!

Yeah, totally stressed over it...for nothing! It was amazing! These ladies were awesome, NORMAL, hilarious, and so lovely! Si very grateful for that opportunity. We spent hours laughing. No awkward moments there! :) And totally amazing to get to meet others in the lifestyle-- real people doing this crazy thing we do...knowing you are not alone...

I was sick the whole time we were away and while that meant I went about 2 weeks without being spanked, I didn't go that long without earning one...so they just.added.up. Yuck.

The more they added up, and the more time I went without being spanked, the sassier I got. Yeah, no idea why I do that.

One night we were lying in bed and SC and I were laughing and I started pushing the line...a little. OK, errrr a lot. I was a mess. SC, finally, very done with it all, says "Here's the line and you are over there...crossing it."

No idea why but I burst out laughing.

He saw that as sass and swatted me.

I laughed harder.

He swatted harder.

No wait! <more laughter>  <more swatting> Wait! <he pauses> Wait! <giggle> I am NOT crossing the line. I am dancing on it. <pause> <giggle> Line Dancing!!!!

At that point he couldn't help it and joined me in my giggle fit. (ok ok he didn't giggle...guys don't giggle...but he definitely laughed!)  I am not sure if he just thought I had lost my mind and figured he should join me in my insanity...or... yeah, no idea!

So the truth is, I am pretty good at that-- line dancing that is. Sometimes it gets a laugh and sometimes it gets a swat...occasionally it gets wood and that's just no good...but line dancing is a serious talent of mine! Sometimes I think its rigged...the line moves.

Reflections: 1 Year DD Anniversary!

Wow. It has been a whole year since we embarked on this crazy amazing journey of domestic discipline.

I look back and am simply amazed at how much both SC and I have changed in that time. Our marriage is stronger. We are more in love with each other than ever before, and the structure and discipline brought into our relationship by domestic discipline is helping us both get closer to the people we desire to be.

A Few Reflections:

Greatest Reward: 

By far the greatest reward of domestic discipline is the closeness. The nature of dd brings complete honesty. There is nothing unsaid, no walls, no distance. My HoH feels a fierce desire to protect and care for me as I submit to him. The responsibility has stretched and grown him, and I appreciate so much the man he is. He caters to my needs to be touched and held, and indulges me even in my weird obsessions like his hand on my bottom while I fall asleep. (What is up with that anyway?!?! I rationalize it by telling him that my bottom needs extra TLC after all the damage he does to it!) ;) No matter the challenges and the countless spankings over the last year, I wouldn't trade our closeness for anything.

Greatest Challenge:

Authenticity. Sigh. I know not telling the world about our dd dynamic is not being dishonest and is not not being authentic...but sometimes it feels that way. I have always been a very open person. I share everything. There are a few people I often feel like I am lying to by not sharing this. The truth is I know I cannot. They would not understand, it would not be beneficial...but the secrecy has probably been my greatest challenge over the past year.

Greatest Frustration: 

Oh.My.Word. I have yet to make it 7 consecutive days without a punishment spanking. IN A YEAR!!!! Do you realize how many times that means I have been spanked in the last year!?!?!  Incredibly frustrating!!! I have often made it 5 and have even made it 6 days but never 7!

I have often contemplated why and I think there are a variety of reasons. One, I need it. Ugh. Did I just say that? Yeah, it's true. If I go to long I get stressed out. A few times I have jumped out of my comfort zone and admitted that to SC. He does maintenance and I am fine...but why is that sooooo hard?!?! Asking is near impossible most of the time-- it seems so counter rational!!!! I have often wondered if the intensity needed to increase but goodness, during a punishment sometimes it is near impossible to make it through...could I handle more?  Things to consider. I am determined to make it 7 days without a punishment and to make it happen soon!!!!


Top Ten Lessons learned in our First Year of Domestic Discipline

1. Spankings HURT!!! (yeah, yeah, I know they are supposed to...I have heard that a few times!)
2. Paddles of all shapes, sizes, and substances are evil
3. Submission is not a 4 letter word
4. Long term detrimental habits can be changed
5. DD has challenges, but this amazing relationship is worth it
6. DD has brought a closeness that we never knew possible
7. The DD community is amazingly supportive and has come to mean so much to us.
8. Being the HoH has brought SC's leading, protecting, and cherishing qualities to the surface
9. SC is a husband worth respecting
10. Being submissive to my HoH makes me feel loved, cherished, protected, and adored



The road has had a few bumps and turns, but we are one year in and going strong! I wonder what the next year will bring? (Hopefully less punishment spankings!)

I wanted to thank all of you! Readers, lurkers, and those who I have come to think of as friends. So many of you have become so special to me! Thank you for your friendship!

Special thanks to Christina from Red Booty Woman and Clint and Chelsea from Learning dd. The help you all have offered over the last year is incredible, and we are so thankful for your help in our making this first year of practicing domestic discipline a success!

Lastly, the hugest of thanks to my HoH. You are more amazing than I ever realized and I appreciate all that you do to make our marriage incredible. I am so blessed to be "Yours".

Fight, Flight, or Freeze???

Humans tend to have a fight or flight reaction to conflict or danger. It is a defense mechanism, and most of us have experienced this at some point or another.

Since starting dd I find that I face this fight or flight reaction more than ever before.

While washing dishes...

Folding clothes...

Making dinner...

Getting out of the shower...

Getting in the shower....

Getting dressed...

Getting out of bed...

Lying in bed...

Picking something up off the floor....

Getting something out of the refrigerator...


You see anytime SC is behind me, and my bottom is accessible, he feels compelled to swat it. I can see that arm swing back and "fight or flight" involuntarily sets into motion! I jump out of the way, sidestep around him, dive for cover...you get the idea...

Well, this makes him mad. OK maybe not mad but definitely annoyed (in a playful yet serious like only he can pull off sort of way!) And without fail he makes me get back into position so he can swat me. This is NOT punishment, not swats I have earned...just (to steal Stormy's term) "helifino" swats...just cause I can swats. And if I move out of position, because who wouldn't naturally flee impending doom on one's derriere?!?! He swats extras! Seriously?!?! When I ask why he says because I moved out of position.

ummm hello?!?! I am supposed to hold position eternally for whenever the urge to spank my bottom hits you?!?! Ummm no....because well, the body's natural defense mechanism is fight or flight!

When SC comes swatting, my body going flighting! On the super crazy occasion my body goes fighting ... that's even worse! He will come up behind me and playfully swat my bottom (why does something playful have to hurt?!?!) and I will swing around and smack his shoulder or whatever I can reach.

Oh yeah you read that right. Occasionally I have swatted back."Fight"-- the body's natural defense mechanism! I can't help it!!! Immediately upon fight or flight I realize what I have done and my mouth drops open (especially if it was fight!) And at this point in the game I am well aware of what will happen next..

You see I tried to explain that fight or flight WAS a natural reaction and what did he want me to do???

His response?

FREEZE.

I began to giggle. Flight, Fight, or....Freeze!?! 

So now...fight or flight still plagues me here or there...I mean come on...but after the jump out of position at the kitchen sink or the accidental slap to the shoulder after he has swatted me...right back bent over wherever I was to receive the play swat he intended...along with a few extra....all because my darn body chose flight or fight over Freeze!

Implements and the Ultimate Deterrent

So, SC is away for work again...that makes 2 of the last 3 weeks away. I am doing ok, but I miss him in a seriously heartbreaking way.

Last week upon his return...well, as you know things weren't the welcome party I would have liked. I had a terrible week while he was gone and got in MAJOR trouble when he got home. Disaster.

The spanking was awful. It took two days of spankings to cover it. Most of you read how it went here. Yeah, it was rough.

He managed to use the majority of his arsenal in one spanking.

His huge powerful hand...

The spanking buddy for if his hand tires during warm up (poor thing huh?!?!)....

The wooden paddles...yes plural. Ouch.

The wooden spoon (it pretends to be a wooden spoon, it is actually ginormous and a paddle in disguise!)

Not ours, but it reminds me of it!

The Hairbrush paddle...

Ours is thicker...but this is the closest I could find...

The leather paddle...

The Cane

The Terror (Yup, it lives up to its name)

and

The Strap (pure evil!)

But not just the spanking was tough. Yeah, 8 implements in one punishment (I didn't count the spanking buddy since that was for warm up) was....ummm unpleasant.

But more than that, the disappointment in his eyes--- it broke my heart. It was so much worse than any spanking could be. (And this spanking was HARD!)

 I hurt him. I disappointed him.

Maybe it is a man thing, maybe an HoH thing, maybe just a MY HoH thing...but he is BIG on respect. Like major R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Almost any infraction can be seen as disrespect. My disobedience is disrespect because I did not care enough about HIM to obey. Procrastination is disrespect because I do not take into account how it affects him and our family. See? respect is everywhere.

And while he was gone, and I trampled all over his expectations....I did NOT show him respect.

The thing is, I respect him more than anyone in this world. He is wise, intelligent, loving, caring, faithful, good, gentle (well, not when he is spanking!), attentive, the best father, husband, and HoH ever.

Sometimes the desire to show him how much I love and respect him leaves me dejected with feelings of failure. I want so much to please him...and sometimes, well, almost every time I end up over the bed or over his lap...I feel like a failure. Like I have disappointed him.

He assures me I am not a failure. He always assures me of how far I have come and that I am a wonderful wife and mother. But, I struggle. I hate disappointing him. But I know just because he is disappointed in my choices or actions, he is not disappointed in ME. He always tells me how proud of me he is after disciplining me. How proud of me he is that I am willing to be held accountable, to submit to his authority and punishment to make our marriage and family better.

Yes, his disappointment is the ultimate deterrent.

This week he has been gone again. And I am 5 days in and yet still nothing on my list! (and not because I chose not to write it down this time!) :) In the almost year we have been practicing dd I don't think I have ever gone 5 days without earning a punishment!

Sure those two spankings were definitely enough for me to not want that to happen again...but more than that...I want to please him. To make my actions show him that I love and respect him.

Now...to make it at least 2 more days!

The Reckoning

She entered the bedroom and immediately her heart dropped into her stomach. Eight. There were eight implements lined up. A notepad and pen sat on the bed. Her breathe hitched. 

Come here. 

She consciously told herself to breathe. Her brain told her body to walk but no step would come. 

Come here. Now. 

She took a deep breath and tentatively stepped forward. He patted the bed beside him and she sat down. Her eyes lowered, she couldn't bear to look at him. She was so upset...so disappointed in herself. She couldn't look at the disappointment she knew would be evident in his eyes.

Why are we here?

She closed her eyes for a second...trying to close out the pain in her heart. She had caused this...but where to begin?

Too many things to count...she whispered.

Well, let's try. He said as he picked up the pen and paper. 

Her eyes closed again. Oh No. How could she be held accountable for everything...it wasn't possible.

One by one they began to list the infractions of the last week. 

Failure to track punishable offenses when directly told to do so-- disobedience and disrespect

Not eating breakfast on time one morning-- disobedience

Yelling at the kids (4 days) -- disrespect to others

Failing to remember an important task-- disrespect

Arguing about completing another task -- disrespect

general attitude of disrespect-- thinking that it was not possible to punish for all offenses so what was the point....--disresepect

direct disobedience when given a time to be in bed one night-- disobedience

Responding in anger and sleeping in another bed-- disrespect, distancing

Backtalk-- disrespect 

Texting while driving-- danger

The list continued...

The lecture was long. The disappointment heavy.

Over the bed.

Those dreaded three words.

Each rule that was broken was read. 

You chose not to write things down when I asked you to because you thought I wouldn't punish you for everything. You were wrong. I will. I will hold you accountable. I love you. 

And it began. 

Each infraction was read....each punishment administered. 

I forgive you for disobeying me and not writing things down.

And so it went...down the list. 

The next hour and a half were not easy. It was the most difficult punishment she had ever received. Yes, it's true it needed to be. She needed to know that he was serious...that he would indeed punish every rule break even if he was not  home. Even if the list was long. 

If only that hour and a half were all...but no. They only made it through part of the list. 

As sobs wracked her body and the burn in her bottom was more than she had ever felt before she fought to breathe.  

Her HoH took her in his arms and whispered, I love you. I am so proud of  you. 

Her HoH was gracious and gave into her pleas of a one night break before part two. 

But part two came all too quickly ... just 48 hours later. 

This time she began to whimper as soon as he asked her to lay over the bed. One glance at that yellow notepad made her almost sob immediately. Only halfway done?!? It wasn't possible. 

And it began. 

Read the rule that was broken. Punish. Offer forgiveness. Down the list he went. 

Each implement seemed the worst until the next. 

As she screamed into the comforter as the strap whipped away at her burning bum, surely that is the worst implement!

But then, that horrible awful huge wooden paddle. There is nothing like the pain of that pounding into your flesh. It MUST be the worst. 

Even the lesser implements become evil as time goes by...there is no spot untouched. No spot of skin that doesn't burn. She wondered how she would ever sit again. She pleaded and begged for it to end. 

It seemed so much. Too much. And yet, in her heart of hearts she knew any less would not have been enough. She had never disrespected him like she had that week. And she never would again. This strong man loved her...loved her enough to not allow her to damage their relationship...to mess with the wonderful roles they had worked hard to establish. 

Finally the spanking stopped. He lifted her off the bed and she stiffly walked into his open arms and continued to sob. He kissed her head and whispered his love and forgiveness.

I love you so very much. I am so proud of  you. I forgive you. It's all done. It's over.

As she laid on her tummy on the bed she heard the rustling of paper. Then tearing. As he ripped up the list he leaned down into her ear and whispered, it's done. It's all done. You are completely forgiven. 

 

Tears filled her eyes as she rested her head on the pillow and he laid down next to her.  Her weary body relaxed and nestled against the warm body of the man who adored her-- enough to not let go. 

Quiet is not always QUIETER...

There are a few situations that bring great challenge to the dd lifestyle. We are no stranger to them-- especially challenges such as children and house guests.

We always have children. ;)

And right now...we have house guests...not just any house guests....but teenagers...

At first we just thought we would "save up" all the punishments for after they left... yeah, I said "save up". I mean, for real...I have NEVER gone a week punishment free, let alone 2.5 weeks!

BUT...Have I mentioned I HATE waiting?!?! Well, I hate waiting. It is terrible, no good, very bad. Yes, miserable. I hate waiting. There. I said it again.

So, instead of waiting, SC offered to "get it over with" in the garage. Big sigh. I took it. Stupid me. Apparently his weapon err implement of choice this week is to be the tilt wand.

Seriously dear...tilt wands are to open the blinds....NOT to spank bottoms. Really. Seriously.

I experienced it last night...you would think I would have worked really hard not to meet up with it again.

Oh wait. I did! I did NOTHING today to earn a spanking. Miraculous, right?!?! Yeah. Apparently too good to be true. I didn't do anything TODAY, but I did get an email reminding me that I forgot to pay a bill. OOPS.

I mean, I FORGOT!!!!

Yeah, yeah, I know I procrastinated paying it...and yes, procrastination is a punishable offense. grrrrrrrr.

The garage, with Senor SC, and the tilt wand.

You would think the looming doom of that dang awful weapon implement would make me on my best behavior. Nope.

SC: Why are you being punished?

Now, I really hate this question. Often random answers come to mind and the sarcastic comments usually get swallowed and I manage to give the correct answer.

NOT tonight...oh no.

Me: Because you are mean. <enter snarky smile here>

SC: Seriously? That just got you double

Me: <insert nervous laugh> NO! I was just kidding!!!

SC: Do you think this is funny?

well...I thought it was.....I OBVIOUSLY don't think it is funny any more. (I managed to keep in any sarcasm about lack of sense of humor--that one's never gone well for me before.)

Me: No sir.

It's the garage so it echos. Even with music on, I fear anyone hearing. Apparently he did too because the warm up was short and then....

THWAP!!!

THWAP!!!!

THWAP!!!!

I am not sure how many but it was however many it was that many too many...and then...the dreaded words.

SC: We would have been done here if you hadn't backtalked. Do you really think I am mean for following through on what you have agreed to be held accountable?

ugh. Logic is so overrated.

THWAP! A few too many of those and FINALLY he laid it down on the table. sheesh.

You see. The quiet implements? Are not always so QUIET. The impact sound might be less, but the sounds coming from me....well, I was mostly quiet tonight. The fear of someone hearing kept me mostly quiet. But good grief the yelling in my head?!?! Totally LOUD!!!!

Quiet is so overrated.

And tilt wands? Are for BLINDS. ;)

Lectures and a Broken Paddle

This happened a few weeks ago, but I am just getting around to posting it. :)

*********

I have been warned not to embellish this post. So I will stick to the facts. ;) 

The last few weeks have been crazy. I have been stressed, my HoH has been more than gracious and we have been in survival mode. My HoH noticed me "slipping" and as soon as things began to settle just a little, he called time out to the grace period. All rules back in force and a long maintenance session to get us back on track. 

Oh joy.

A few lessons learned from above mentioned "long maintenance session:"

1. Do not suggest listening to a podcast on lecturing before an upcoming spanking. Geeez.

2.  Do not begin to giggle uncontrollably when your HoH tells you your behavior could get you arrested. (Dang speeding!) 

3. Laughing harder when called out for ill placed giggling gets you spanked HARDER.

4. Wooden paddles when applied with force to one's bare bum do indeed break. (What kind of wood you ask? Oh don't take away all the fun by asking details. Oh I was told not to embellish? Oh right...ok ok it was bamboo. Yeah I know those aren't like the big ones...but goodness...he STILL broke a paddle on my bum!)

5. Paddles being broken during a spanking cause for more laughter, but not the end of a spanking. Though I saw the amusement in his eyes, he didn't hesitate to pick up another implement and get back to it. 

6. He is consistent and I am so very grateful for the wisdom he shows in leading me.

The only thing in common this pic has with the one that broke is the shape... ;) 

I'm BAAAAAAACCKKKKK!

ok, so I took a longer than expected blog break--much longer actually since I never intended to take a break at all! :P With all the craziness going on in blogland and irl...a break just needed to happen. But goodness I have missed you all!

A few things have happened over the last few weeks . . .

1. SC and I celebrated our nine year anniversary! Woohoo!!!

2. I have confirmed that I am indeed brainwashed. Yes, what they say is true. My HoH took me on my first trip to Ikea...and I bought hardly anything!!! because... well, I didn't NEED it. Ugh. Just wrong, right!!!??? He gave me permission to shop and I am so trained to "I can live without it" . . .ugh such a disappointment! ;) (I did make up for it later as we redecorated our living room with a few extra trips to Target!) :)

3. SC broke our first paddle. (Details to come in a later post!) ;)

4. Having house guests is CHALLENGING!!! Especially when your HoH is about to go out of town...

5. I really miss all of you in blogland!!!

Well, it's short...but I guess it's all about getting back on the horse right!?!? :)

Bear Hugs and Prayers for Emily!

While our community is under fire, we get an opportunity to ignore the trash and do what we do best--support one another. Christina (from Red Booty Woman) and Jim's youngest daughter Emily is in critical condition. They need our prayer and support during this time. Every day at 9pm we join together across the globe to pray for Emily, but don't stop there. Many of us can't stop thinking about their family and little Emily. Pray constantly. If tou have a blog, repost this picture and increase support for some great members of Blogland that need us right now. Praying for healing, strength, peace, and rest!

I am NOT a Victim

I am not a victim.

I am a dd wife.

My husband adores me.

I go to sleep every night in the tender embrace of my best friend.

I wake up and cuddle with the man of my dreams.

My husband listens to my fears, my struggles, my sadness, and joys.

He cries with me when I am sad, And laughs with me when I am happy.

My husband speaks to me respectfully,

He hurts when I hurt,

And he offers to take on the world when it has hurt me.

He is my protector.

I am safe in his arms. 

I respect him more than any man I have ever known.

By my choice he guides me when my choices threaten 

to derail the goals and hopes we have established for me, him, and our family. 

He encourages me when I fail,

And rejoices when I overcome.

I have a voice, 

And have chosen to occasionally check mine to give room for his.

I am strong and independent.

I make decisions, am mature and responsible, 

A leader in our community.

I am not a child and I am not treated as one.

My husband sees me as an equal, 

Made in the image of God with strengths and weaknesses just as he.

We have rules we have established together.

He is the Head of Household.

That fact is not lorded over me, 

He leads with love and gentleness, grace and truth.

I am a spanked wife. 

I choose to be a spanked wife.

I have a safe word. It can all stop with one word.

I am not weak. I am not blind. I am not controlled. 

I am not brainwashed. I am not abused.

I am cherished, treasured, and adored. 

Our marriage the envy of many.

I am not a victim. 

I am a dd wife. 

*********************************************************************************

In light of recent events, I thought it appropriate to speak out. As one of those supposed victims, I stand and say I resent being called weak and feeble, controlled and abused. The attempt to speak out against domestic discipline has only victimized those they pity. I am not a victim. I am strong, intelligent, educated, and aware. I have worked with victims of domestic violence. I have met abusers and victims. I fully comprehend the power and control cycle. My marriage is not it. My marriage, home, and family is a safe haven. A place of refuge. 

The inability to understand is understandable...we were all there at one point. I may not be able to understand all of why this lifestyle is wonderful, but I assure you it is. I am happy, blessed, and so very grateful for the man I call HoH. 

50 Shades and Awkward Conversations

This week has been....tough. My mom had serious surgery and I have spent the week at the hospital WITH my kids. UGH. I am physically and emotionally spent.

My mom is on high doses of pain medications. Add in some crazy family and well....things have gotten interesting.

My mom That's the ummm... the... the Kama Sutra.

Me: laughing hysterically.

My mom: What? It's the Kama Sutra. 

Me: I do not think this word means what you think it means. <insert more laughter> Do you mean the Quran?

Mom: No, that is the Jewish Bible

Me: more snickering. Ummm no. that's the Talmud. The Quran is the Muslim holy book. 

Mom: No I mean the Kama Sutra

Me: laughing harder.

My sister: What's so funny? What is the Kama Sutra? 

I then explain the Kama Sutra in utmost brevity to my mother and sister.

The next day...

My mom: No its the Kama Sutra

Me: Shaking my head. Oh my word. Are we back to this again? We still can't figure out what she is talking about...

We explain the comical nature of this to my aunt who is visiting.

My aunt: what's that book that everyone's talking about? That book about sex?

My sisters and I exchange looks....where in the world is this conversation going?!?!

My aunt: that book about sex...everyone is talking about it...uhhh...Shades of Grey?

Me: <choking laughter> trying not to appear to knowledgeable 50 Shades of Grey?

Aunt: yeah! That's it! 

Sister: What is that about?

oh my.

Me: It's a fictional trilogy about BDSM.

Sister: Whats that?

Oh dear.

Me: ummm I don't know if I can remember all of it... <;) bahahahahahaha> Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, Masochism...something like that...

Insert questioning looks.

It's like dominance and submission... role play... sex stuff.

oh.

More smothered laughter. And now increased heart rate from me. I really don't want to appear too knowledgeable about this!

There was some more random comments. But I could barely pay attention. I was dying. Seriously. I was having this conversation with my mother, her sister, and my two sisters?!?!? ACK!

Wow. Explaining the Kama Sutra, BDSM, 50 Shades of Grey, and d/s all in one conversation with some very vanilla family. I guess I should be glad dd didn't come up! ;)


On another note...

As for me this week...I feel so distanced from everyone! I have had absolutely no time. I will try to catch up with blogs when everything settles.

It has been a tough week. SC has been gracious and has let a lot go. I just couldn't handle dealing with anything this week. I have been exhausted, stressed, and did I mention exhausted? I got spanked twice...both reminders but even though the reminder with the wooden paddle wasn't many I lost it after two. Little to no sleep makes one very sensitive!

I got to a point I know I needed it, but I just couldn't handle it. He was gracious and has been handling me carefully. Trying to be what I need, but not push more than I can handle.

Things are settling and he has assured me the reckoning is coming...tonight actually. A long maintenance session. But he has assured me the rules are back to being enforced today and he won't hesitate to add a punishment to it.

I am really having a hard time. I know I need maintenance. I have been stressed and feel so far from him. I know I need the reconnection...I am just afraid at what it will take. :( and I feel like I am out of practice....I don't think I could handle a punishment right now! I think I would totally loose it.

Such a difficult place to be in to know you need it but afraid to have it. <sigh> I guess I should be glad it is not up to me....

Crisis and stressful times have brought about yet even more questions of how to handle TTWD...ever evolving, ever growing. Goodness, this can be complicated! ;)

Don't Confuse My Kindness for Weakness

Sheesh. What a crazy week! I continue struggling with the speeding rule, but at least I am not getting spanked every time I get in the car. Improvement right?!?!

As we continue in our dd relationship, I have noticed how far we have come. A couple things I have realized this week:

1. I can accept a warning.

Why was that so difficult for me before? In the beginning of dd, whenever SC would give me a warning and not punish for something I felt he was being inconsistent. 

And even better than that? 

2. I was actually able to accept grace. Yes. I know, how crazy?!?! No on other than dd wives know how strange that is. 

This week I have been having one of those terrible horrible no good very bad weeks. Yeah. that bad. I was fighting with my sister, stepped down from a major position I had on a committee I loved due to crazy made up conflict, my mom went in the hospital for a procedure only to end up not having it because she needs major heart surgery instead, and then I got a vicious attacking email from someone that is supposed to be my "friend." Add all that to daily swimming lessons and VBS for the kids along with me teaching every night and I was well....spent. Physically. Emotionally. I cried for days. 

ok picture of patheticness painted yet? ;) 

So I got in trouble yesterday. Yes, speeding was involved...along with two other rules breaks. All accidents but nonetheless I knew I was in trouble. But that horrible email? Yeah got it last night on the way to visit my mom in the hospital. SC was heartbroken for me. He is such my rock. Seeing that protective look in his eye as he was ready to take on the world for me made my heart swell with love and appreciation. Who doesn't love to be protected, right? So as he held me last night in between my tears and heartbreak, he whispered, I am not going to spank you tonight. 

I looked up at him in surprise and through the tears with a questioning surprised look. 

I am not going to spank you, but DO NOT confuse my kindness for weakness. 

My heart swelled in appreciation. Yes, APPRECIATION. I stopped and searched my heart. Was I going to be ok with this? Could I accept this gift of kindness or would I feel guilty? Would I think him inconsistent? As I reflected, I realized, No. I would not hold the guilt or think him inconsistent. I could accept his grace and kindness. Woah! Where did that come from?!?!

A pleasant surprise for such a craptastic week. 

I love my HoH. His strength, protectiveness, care, love, and yes, kindness. 

How literal and true is this!?!? Ha! 

Wouldn't dream of it! ;) 

So Over It...

I am so very over being spanked. Really. Truly. Seriously. Over it.

I am a bit of a spanko...but NOT when it has anything to do with punishment....or wood...or leather....or anything other than some fun with his hand...

I have been spanked 5 out of the last six days. Every single one of those days included a punishment spanking for speeding. Many of them had other things added on top of that. One of those nights I was spanked for speeding--that punishment was doubled because I continued to speed after I became aware of it because "well, I was going to be spanked anyway so whatever." ok ok I understand why it was doubled. gosh.

I hate being punished. And being spanked over and over again for the same issue made me frustrated. I think at first I really thought it wasn't worth it. It was too hard. Well, the truth is it is worth it now. Sore bottoms and leather seats = not so much fun. :( It was a painful reminder to go the speed limit. I managed to stay within 5 miles of the speed limit today so far. I was too sore not to.

And of course there is the disappointment. He was so disappointed in my attitude that day...for speeding anyway because I knew I would already be punished. Yeah that was stupid. I hate I hurt him. I was disappointed in myself.

Last night I was so sore I COULDN'T stay in position. In fact I jumped OUT of position and yelled for him to stop. Oops. :( It was total involuntary physical reaction. One in which he did all he could to make sure doesn't happen again. :'(

The whole mess of feelings and emotions in TTWD are so challenging sometimes. Sometimes when a spanking seems like more that I can handle...I begin to question everything. I hate questioning. I know this has been so good for us...but my mind wonders.

Why do we do this?
Is this working?
This is so not normal...
Is this right???
I hate being punished
I wonder what he is thinking as I sob and he swats away at my already sore bottom...
Couldn't we have the closeness without the harshness of punishment spankings.

I shared some of this with SC the other night and he asked a good question.

How do you feel when you go a week or more without being spanked?

ugh. Way to bring perspective to my me party.  I know I crave the connection that comes with spanking. The release of guilt. The medium for him to maintain dominance and leadership in our marriage.

But the emotions are hard.

As I submitted to a very difficult spanking last night and sobbed horribly the whole time...my thoughts ran away by themselves.

As I questioned TTWD and the necessity of such painful events...I remembered the conversation SC and I had after only a few weeks of dd, back in September.

He told me he felt that for our entire marriage I had not allowed him a voice. That I had run over him. That he was unhappy and had been for a long time. He also expressed how dd had changed all of that. How he felt respected. How he felt he had a voice and was free to communicate without me retaliating. I was devastated that day. I had done that.

I had found dd, but he was the one who had wanted it in our marriage. I tried it for him. Because I loved him. After that conversation, I knew I had to embrace it. I couldn't go back. I loved him too much.

I love what dd has done for us. I love the closeness. The reconnection is provides. It feels right submitting to him. He has stepped up as my leader, my protector. He cherishes me, loves me, and takes care of me. In return I submit to him, respect him, and obey him. TTWD is good for us. It is. I know that.

But good gracious punishment spankings hurt.

The emotions and feelings are hard to deal with. Doubt is hard to deal with.

A dear dd friend said I am over analyzing. She is probably right. I am way too much of a thinker. I over analyze everything...

I can't possibly be the only one....Anyone ever doubt the benefits or necessity of this lifestyle? What do you do with those thoughts?