Monday, December 29, 2014

Life Without DD

It's been 18 days. It seems like an eternity.

We got into a fight. He said some really hurtful things. I know I did as well, out of my own hurt. I didn't think I could ever trust him again.

The thing is we were already questioning our dd relationship. Well, he was.

Ironic since he was the one who wanted it to begin with, and then in the end it was me wishing it to stay...

But then the pain I felt...the loss of heart ached and I couldn't see any respite to that pain, so I agreed with him. We couldn't have a dd relationship where we were. There was no trust. No vulnerability. I was guarded, and hurting.

We said 6 months. I knew it would be hard at first and I didn't want him to give up in a moment of frustration and want dd back simply because it was "easy" to "deal with" his frustration.

I felt like his reasons for wanting to quit DD were extremely selfish. He said he didn't "enjoy spanking me." Well, huh, I don't think punishments are supposed to be enjoyable for either...

He hated the "crime and punishment" cycle we had gotten into. Well, guess what? Me too. DD isn't supposed to be that way. DD is so much more than punishment spankings.

But we had gotten so far from what dd is supposed to be. He stopped Role Affirmations, he stopped maintenance. Busyness with his schedule kept reconnection and connection nearly impossible.

I was hanging on, but barely. I asked for a submission weekend, to get things back on track. He decided he needed time to figure out if he even wanted dd anymore.

We shipped the kids to the grandparents with expectations of the weekend still completely up in the air, and I tried to keep an open mind. We began with watching a marriage DVD. He wanted to discover what was going on with us, and where we were failing-- he desired to get back to "authenticity" in our marriage.

I know what he means by "authenticity." Being dominant does not come naturally to him. I am much more naturally dominant than him. Except in the bedroom-- I am totally a sexual submissive...but he is not a sexual dominant. And that is ultimately what he means by lack of authenticity. He feels like he can't be himself in the bedroom.

He wants to be dominant in the day to day role. He wants to be head of the house and me to be submissive. But then he doesn't want to spank me, he just wants me to "be submissive" without it.

I was frustrated.

We fought. A lot. About that and other things. We were a mess.

Since he was already thinking about stopping DD, it seemed like the perfect time to stop. I had lost trust in him and I was hurting-- not exactly the foundation for a strong DD relationship or any relationship. He didn't like the way it ended-- he felt like I took the decision away from him.

I tried to be objective and gave him a few days to think about it. He did and ultimately agreed that it was the decision he would have come to.

And the tidal wave of emotions bellowed.

I was a mess. Now not only was I dealing with the emotions of being "hurt" but now I had lost a piece of our relationship. I knew cognitively that I would be ok without DD in the long run, but I knew the road would not be easy.

The first week was tough. We talked a lot. At first he was angry. Somewhere along the road he lost sight of what dd was, and somehow he thought without dd (in his mind-- dd was only spanking) our relationship with him as head of house and me as submissive wife would continue. He thought we would still maintain those roles outside of DD.

Well, nope. Not happening. Day to day submission is NOT natural for me. DD granted me the role to "feel submissive." I knew I couldn't maintain that without dd-- and to me DD was so much more than spanking.

While I understand "Biblical submission" to me, the level of submission we practiced was WAY beyond normal "Biblical submission."

We talked a lot.

I think he was blown away with how our perceptions had changed. How he had lost sight of what domestic discipline truly is.

When he realized all we had given up...he wanted to go back.

He realizes he lost sight, and lost perspective and wants to well, not go back to where we were because that wasn't a great place, he wants to reform our perceptions and create a new way for us, including DD.

What do I want?

That's a really great question. One I wish I could answer.

That first week I wanted nothing more than to go back. I missed it so much my heart ached. I found myself bratty and difficult-- reacting out of emotion like the old me. I hated it.

The second week was better. I saw him responding and realizing what all he had missed and yeah, maybe a part of me felt a little smug about his current struggle. Every sassy word that came out of my mouth I could feel his hand twitch...and yeah, I think I got a little pleasure from his frustration. I guess I blamed him-- it was his decision to stop.

We are now in week 3. Last night he told me he wants to return to a dd lifestyle.

I honestly don't know what I want.

The first week I listed all of the things I missed:
clear roles
clear expectations
feeling loved, cherished, protected
clear feeling of forgivness
no/less guilt
trusting him
adoration and respect that comes from his taking control
fast route to reconnection
I want him in charge but I want him to take control ie earn it/deserve it/prove that he wants it
breaking down of walls
lack of distance
push for clear communication
way for him to clearly communicate his disappointment
the more I disrespect him and he tolerates it, the less I respect him
comfort from knowing he is in charge
mutual accountability

Some of that list has less to do with the loss of DD and more just to do with the simple loss of trust from our argument.

So I began to ponder-- can we have these things without DD?

Without DD, emotions seem to reign. On both of our parts. I don't have him to rein me in, and he doesn't have the "responsibility" of being the H to keep him accountable.

Honestly, this has been less of an issue since we are not "fighting" right now, but what about the next disagreement? Will we be right back there?

The truth is, our relationship grew leaps and bounds in our Domestic Discipline life, and I simply don't know if we will/can be as close and connected as we were with it, without it.

I just don't know.

He seems to have come to the conclusion that he doesn't think we he wants it back.

I don't know. The only thing I know is I am confused.

Will it be different?

With him in school again, will he have time to be "H" in the capacity I need him to be?

He says the role of "H" can be tiring, that he comes home from work and feels like he has to be "on." I don't want that pressure for him, but I don't know how to fix it.

Being not naturally submissive, I do feel like I am a lot of work to maintain the level of submission he wants...and I crave when we are in our roles. I love "feeling" submissive...but it takes major consistency for me to "feel" that way. For a long time I thought it was worth it...but now...sigh. Now I don't know.

Will he resent me? I know he likes the end result, but will he again resent the process? I know he says he was wrong and that he lost sight of it all...but will it once again prove to be too much work?

If we remodel our dynamic, what will it look like?

I miss the connection. I really really do. But I can honestly say I don't miss the punishments! :P But I do miss after...I miss feeling "his"...I miss calling him sir...I miss that feeling of protection, of being cared for...

Part of me wonders if we should give it more time...more time to redevelop who we are apart from see if we can have some of that without it...

And part of me doesn't want to waste any more time frustrated with where we are.

And then the other thing...that lack of trust I still feel. Can I really make myself that vulnerable to him right now? My heart is still hurting...I don't know if I can...and yet part of me just wants him to tear down the walls for me...but then, I am not sure I am ready for that.

If you made it through my ramblings, thank you! I look forward to your words of encouragement, advice, anything you have to offer!

I am sorry for being so MIA, life has been hectic. I definitely miss the online DD community...going through this alone has been so hard. In fact, I think that was one of our major struggles. I think SC not having anyone to talk to him and keep him grounded in the lifestyle and help him has been a major issue...this lifestyle is unique and very different for every couple, but it is really hard to do alone.

And my not having anyone to talk to has been .... well, difficult. Lonely.

OK. Enough of this whinefest. I have missed you all!