Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Community Ramblings: Questions and Concerns

Wow it has been a long time. I miss everyone. Really I do. I think back on the last two years and the amazing help I have found in this community and I am so thankful.

But it hasn't always been sunshine and roses.

And that's why I have been silent for a few months...

I didn't know what to say.

I didn't want to be part of or add to drama.

So I remained silent.

I haven't been around this community very long... only about two years. I often wonder what people are talking about when they say they "miss what blogland used to be." I don't think I ever experienced that. I think I entered the scene at a rough time for this community.

It was just over a year ago that an interview gone wrong seriously shook this community. People were hurt, blogs were made private, some people disappeared forever.

I don't blame them. Not at all. We have to protect ourselves and our families.

Many of us hid in the bushes for awhile and kept sticking our noses out to see if it was safe. Eventually things calmed down and we ventured out to play some.

But I don't think we ever recovered. Not fully.

I think most of us in this community came for the same reasons-- to meet like-minded people, to build relationships with others in the lifestyle, to not feel alone. 

But while I knew the dangers involved in internet relationships, and was careful, I regret certain things. I regret certain trusts that were broken. While this community has brought me great friendships, there have been some rocky moments over the last two years. Nothing as big as the happenings of this summer.

One of the first things I did after my H and I started dd was join a network. I needed to know I wasn't alone, that there were other normal people walking around in normal life that practiced this lifestyle. I got to know many people, and it was wonderful.

I'm not sure what went wrong...but things did go wrong.

After the drama of this summer when one of our own was outed as not being who she said she was-- I was hurt, shocked,  and flabbergasted. And then? Then I was downright angry. I was part of a network she worked for. She had access to my real name and information. I trusted this network and then to find out this?

She was the first one I trusted with my real phone number and real information, because? Well, she already had it...Real phone calls, real texts . . .

I went to log on to the network to see if there was any information...perhaps to just lick my wounds with others . . .only to find out I had been banned. Banned??? Surely it was a mistake? I emailed the owners. No mistake. "Several" people had allegedly "complained" about me.

Now, I know I never said anything on the network that was ban worthy, and I questioned the professionalism of someone that makes such a decision without even talking to the supposed offending person...so I asked about it. What did I allegedly do? No response. My H, concerned as well, sent an email inquiring as to the nature of said allegations. Silence.

For a long time I was really hurt. Angered even over being treated like that. I withdrew- from blogging, from this community. I came here for support, and it seemed like I was getting quite the opposite.

I thought to just stay silent...to not ruffle feathers. To not start drama. But you know what? The other day my H asked why I had this blog? What is the purpose? For me. I blog for me. To write out what I am thinking, and feeling, and share it with people when I am not able to share this information in real life.

So, I am shaken up. Who do you trust? What do you believe? Who is talking to who about you?

I don't do drama, and I don't like strife, but I do think people deserve truth. True thoughts. True feelings. Truth. I may not share every detail of my life here, but what I do share is TRUE.

The Good. The Bad. And the Ugly.

I'm still nervous. How will people respond to this post even? Will I be seen as a trouble maker for posting this?

I have to not be concerned. I am too often a people pleaser. My heart is not to make trouble, but if I er, I will er on the side of truth every time.

I miss so many of you. Truly. I would love to catch up, whether in comments or emails...Hiding out in the cave is lonely...


  1. Cole,
    I have missed you terribly. Your blog was one of the first I read from the beginning. Please do not judge all bloggers by the two recent bloggers who confessed to being who they were not. Most of us are true and sincere, honest and empathetic. Please come back to blogging. I have really missed you. Heck, I nominated your for that award trying to convince you to come back. We are all trying to make our way and need the company and strength of other ttwd/dd women. That is why I am here.

    1. Sweet Meredith, thank you for your kind words. I do not judge all bloggers. ;) I am very aware that most are just like us...real people looking for support...it has just been a rough few months. I'm here...just dipping my toe in the water to see if it is safe. ;)

  2. Cole I completely understand While I was never part of the network I have been through the wringer. I have been misquoted, information I shared shared with others (but only in part..not the entire story). People alleging things I had never even heard about, people no longer interacting ( for whatever reason...not one bothering to have the decency to ask or discuss anything with me). So I get it. I know the pain and isolation it can cause not too mention betrayal.

    I don't think by posting this you are a trouble maker. I think you are being honest. These things happened TO you. You were not on the sidelines waiting to jump in and give your two cents as an observer. You experienced it.

    I know the 'second' blogger mentioned. She didn't pretend to be someone she was not, she embellished stories a couple of years ago and stopped when she realized what she was doing. She came back as her real self. Someone I care very deeply about. So please don't let 'the second coming out' scare you.

    Honestly I think that in our face to face relationships we encounter many of the same type problems. People posing, exaggerating to fit in. People putting on a kind face while stabbing you in the back...yet we muddle through because we know that even those these people cause deep emotions that stay in the forefront of our mind/heart for a while, they aren't worth giving them the power to change us.

    I hope you continue to use your blog the way you intended when you started.

  3. Cole, I am so sorry. You are not causing trouble at all by posting about your experience on YOUR blog. I'm sorry to hear that you were mistreated. It's scary that personal information was out there with someone who couldn't be trusted.

    I hope you continue to find supportive friends.

  4. Meh, I say don't worry about causing trouble. Blogs are about self expression, and if we can't express ourselves, there's not much point in having one!
    Don't stress about it too much!

    Just my two cents.

  5. Hi Cole, oh dear yet another mess in Blogland. I think you should just keep blogging and say what you like. That's what the blogs are for. Don't worry about anyone else, if they are not real that is their problem not yours,there are lots of people out here who are exactly what they say they are and hopefully those are the ones you will come across next.
    love Jan,xx

  6. You aren't causing any trouble at all Cole...glad you wrote down what's been bugging you. I've been around here for a number of years now and the community is continually changing. There were times when it seemed a bit more intimate and less fractious and some of the times you mentioned certainly has changed things. It's more than people coming and going and the reality is that when each of us find closer friendships, it's very easy to simply be part of those and not continue to be part of the larger community. Little groups will inevitably form. I try to remind myself that there were those who befriended me and helped me find my way when I was first here and even if I can only give this 15 minutes a day, I want to try to do the same for others without prejudging them. What is dramatically different are some of the trust levels, as you said. Every one of us who has chosen to trust has been hurt on some level, sometimes as simple as a friend who disappears and you miss them. It's still a rich place Cole and I hope you will carefully engage again and choose to trust. I have several friendships that mean the world to me and they came from reaching out. Those friends do not gossip about me and I can trust them with anything. If others do...well...I'm not going to devote energy to such drama. I am an email or chat window away for anyone who wants to talk something out with me. Gossip helps nobody.

    I'm sorry about the experience you had with the network you were part of. I was one who had to close down my blog for a time last summer b/c of of the number of inquiries I was receiving from news organizations requesting interviews. My husband and I are simply living our lives here...and trust me, he is never ever going to tell another man how to spank their wife. Just mention the idea of instructing others and he will begin pontificating. It was a hard couple of months for me and I was sad to see what it did to the community...essentially turning us on ourselves and creating a huge divide between supporting those who would promote DD to the larger world and those who are quietly working at improving their marriages but doing it privately. I don't know that we as a community have made too many inroads to putting all that to rights and being one group again...not sure how to make that happen other than to continue to engage with new bloggers and welcome them, hoping they'll be able to find their way.

  7. First, let me welcome you to the wonderful world of blog land. If anyone is not welcoming to you and doesn't make you feel good, then that person doesn't belong in our spanking blog world. The network is a different thing all together and I cannot comment on my feelings or experience there in public. I did sent you a lengthy email about a lot of things.
    Blog land has mostly only changed because there are so many new bloggers. That is not a negative thing. I see it as a good thing because now there are so many new people who are feeling comfortable in sharing their lifestyle. I love all my blog friends.
    Don't stop blogging or reading blogs or commenting.!!!!!!!

  8. The revelations of this summer were very hard to take and made many of us question things. I have thought a lot about this and I do think most people out there are legitimate and are just like you and me and want to connect with others through their story. Like you said we font want to feel alone.

    You have every right to be mad. I'm glad you wrote about it though and I'm glad you are back.

  9. Cole,
    I did much as you, heard about life in blogland before and always wondered.
    I've kept my head down throughout all of that and not commented. I was contacted just the once to tell my story by an agency but deleted the email and heard no more luckily.
    I think life here actually can reflect real life more than we think it does. We found this community of bloggers with a common interest, and one that for most of us is difficult or impossible to speak about in real life, but we can here, and so we start to trust and believe everyone to be friendly. But actually they are still human, have ups and downs, exaggerate, lie, back off, just the same as in real life. But, just as we get hurt by these things in real life and they can stick out glaringly, the majority of people are kind and welcoming and true to themselves and to others and we have to remember that.
    I can't do an awful lot of emailing behind the scenes, (I find it hard enough to keep up to date with blogs and commenting) and I cannot give out my other contact addresses or numbers, so cannot make really close personal friendships, but I do consider people in blogland to be my friends, I just hope that I do not come across as standoffish.
    I think you have every right to write this post, and please come back and post again, you are missed.