I wish I had a warm fuzzy post for you today...I really do...but the only thing warm around here is my bottom. :(
I hit a super low yesterday. One of the out of body....why in the world did I just do that moments...
I was at a convention. One I have been looking forward to ALL year. Friday evening I was talking with SC on the phone and he casually mentioned that my oldest daughter had cried several times that day for me, and was very upset about me missing a sporting even she was having Saturday morning.
That was hard. I knew she was not happy about me leaving, but I didn't think not being there would be as difficult as it was for me. I made a last minute decision to skip the second half of the conference and come home early to surprise my girl and make her event.
All that to say, I really didn't want to miss my conference only to not get there in time...so I might not have set my cruise on the permitted 74 mph.
When I got there...in plenty of time for her event, in fact I made it for most of my younger daughters event which I was not anticipating. Bonus for me, but I was met by the quizzical face of my HoH.
How fast were you going?
I did the smile and duck thing... better to not engage at that point of time. I knew he wasn't going to let it go.
Obeying all traffic laws has always been a rule. However, just a few weeks ago we talked about this rule because I was confused by it. No texting and driving was always a big one, but as for speeding, I had always felt the rule was not necessarily don't speed, but more don't get caught. i.e. if you speed I don't need to know, but if you get a ticket you are in big trouble. I thought that was not exactly right since why should a ticket change things. SC agreed (why on earth do I let such things come out of my mouth!?!?) and he began to enforce the no speeding thing.
Ya'all. This.is.not.good. I kind of have a lead foot.
I set the cruise around 77 coming home...except for the times all the other cars were doing 80...you know, gotta stay with the traffic...
I knew SC would not be happy about it. We had just taken a road trip in which I had complained the whole time I was driving about setting the cruise on 74.
I knew the expectation.
I also knew I probably had enough time to get to the event.
But I just couldn't obey the rule. I had this compulsion to get where I was headed. And to get there as fast as I could.
I knew I would be in trouble. I just did it anyway. ugh. What was I thinking?!? Perhaps part of me was thinking it would be worth it...oh dear. that.is.not.good.either.
And then, my foolishness continued yesterday.
We had to run an errand and drop off a car we had borrowed. When SC went to return the car, I stayed in the driver seat of my vehicle. I knew the expectation was for me to move to let him drive. This is very important to him and a big act of submission for me. One he expects. As he was returning the keys, I knew I would be pushing him sitting there. I knew he would say something, give a look, something to make me move when he got back.
I even thought about what my response would be. I could say oops, forgot or sorry, wasn't thinking about it but I dismissed those responses because, well, they weren't true.
So when he got back, he totally threw me a curve and went to get in the passenger side! I was beyond shocked and faltered for a second before I opened my door to get out and said "Sorry, you can drive." So, should have stopped there. But Oh No. My mouth detached itself from my brain and out came "Wasn't thinking about it."
ACK. Why in the world did I say that?!?!? I should have admitted it right then. It might not have been a big deal if I had fessed up and told him I was doing it just to get a rise out of him....He might have called it bratting or testing... I might have been in trouble I might not have. I hate that feeling of dread when you know you have done something wrong. Really wrong. And I knew my HoH was going to be very upset. And disappointed. :(
I waited until the kids were in bed last night and I couldn't stand it anymore to confess.
He was very disappointed.
I can't remember a time you have outright lied to me.
Ugh. Me either. I am so disappointed in myself.
Memo to mouth: Wait on brain before speaking!
I was spanked. Hard. With the awful strap...
This one actually... form thelondontanners.com
I wasn't surprised when he pulled it out.
I wasn't surprised with how much it hurt.
I was kind of surprised when it was done because...Maybe it wasn't as bad as I was expecting for such epic issues?
Biggest problem was I still felt guilty. I don't know if it was the magnitude of my guilt-- having lied to him. Ok, I know it wasn't a major lie, but it was lying. I NEVER lie to him. I hate still feeling guilty after a spanking. SC asked if I needed more. Ummmm. no! Is the answer to that question ever yes?!? Maybe it should be, but I don't think I could bring myself to say it.
By the way...I thought straps were not supposed to bruise?!? Liars. ;)
I probably should feel more guilt over the speeding thing....but I can't say that will be the last time we will address that issue. yuck. I don't drive...I sp-ee-d....Not intentionally...I just go where I need to go at the speed I safely can go....Not speeding means I have to watch the speedometer. ewww. Not likely. I think I liked the "don't get a ticket" rule better. :(
2 D's in one day. Pretty big ones at that. Yuck.
Anyway, I am glad to be home after a few weeks of craziness. Summertime is here and I am ready! As long as that strap stays stowed....
So, the question of the day is, can you answer yes to "do you need more?" If you still felt guilty after a spanking what do you do?