Monday, December 29, 2014

Life Without DD

It's been 18 days. It seems like an eternity.

We got into a fight. He said some really hurtful things. I know I did as well, out of my own hurt. I didn't think I could ever trust him again.

The thing is we were already questioning our dd relationship. Well, he was.

Ironic since he was the one who wanted it to begin with, and then in the end it was me wishing it to stay...

But then the pain I felt...the loss of heart ached and I couldn't see any respite to that pain, so I agreed with him. We couldn't have a dd relationship where we were. There was no trust. No vulnerability. I was guarded, and hurting.

We said 6 months. I knew it would be hard at first and I didn't want him to give up in a moment of frustration and want dd back simply because it was "easy" to "deal with" his frustration.

I felt like his reasons for wanting to quit DD were extremely selfish. He said he didn't "enjoy spanking me." Well, huh, I don't think punishments are supposed to be enjoyable for either...

He hated the "crime and punishment" cycle we had gotten into. Well, guess what? Me too. DD isn't supposed to be that way. DD is so much more than punishment spankings.

But we had gotten so far from what dd is supposed to be. He stopped Role Affirmations, he stopped maintenance. Busyness with his schedule kept reconnection and connection nearly impossible.

I was hanging on, but barely. I asked for a submission weekend, to get things back on track. He decided he needed time to figure out if he even wanted dd anymore.

We shipped the kids to the grandparents with expectations of the weekend still completely up in the air, and I tried to keep an open mind. We began with watching a marriage DVD. He wanted to discover what was going on with us, and where we were failing-- he desired to get back to "authenticity" in our marriage.

I know what he means by "authenticity." Being dominant does not come naturally to him. I am much more naturally dominant than him. Except in the bedroom-- I am totally a sexual submissive...but he is not a sexual dominant. And that is ultimately what he means by lack of authenticity. He feels like he can't be himself in the bedroom.

He wants to be dominant in the day to day role. He wants to be head of the house and me to be submissive. But then he doesn't want to spank me, he just wants me to "be submissive" without it.

I was frustrated.

We fought. A lot. About that and other things. We were a mess.

Since he was already thinking about stopping DD, it seemed like the perfect time to stop. I had lost trust in him and I was hurting-- not exactly the foundation for a strong DD relationship or any relationship. He didn't like the way it ended-- he felt like I took the decision away from him.

I tried to be objective and gave him a few days to think about it. He did and ultimately agreed that it was the decision he would have come to.

And the tidal wave of emotions bellowed.

I was a mess. Now not only was I dealing with the emotions of being "hurt" but now I had lost a piece of our relationship. I knew cognitively that I would be ok without DD in the long run, but I knew the road would not be easy.

The first week was tough. We talked a lot. At first he was angry. Somewhere along the road he lost sight of what dd was, and somehow he thought without dd (in his mind-- dd was only spanking) our relationship with him as head of house and me as submissive wife would continue. He thought we would still maintain those roles outside of DD.

Well, nope. Not happening. Day to day submission is NOT natural for me. DD granted me the role to "feel submissive." I knew I couldn't maintain that without dd-- and to me DD was so much more than spanking.

While I understand "Biblical submission" to me, the level of submission we practiced was WAY beyond normal "Biblical submission."

We talked a lot.

I think he was blown away with how our perceptions had changed. How he had lost sight of what domestic discipline truly is.

When he realized all we had given up...he wanted to go back.

He realizes he lost sight, and lost perspective and wants to well, not go back to where we were because that wasn't a great place, he wants to reform our perceptions and create a new way for us, including DD.

What do I want?

That's a really great question. One I wish I could answer.

That first week I wanted nothing more than to go back. I missed it so much my heart ached. I found myself bratty and difficult-- reacting out of emotion like the old me. I hated it.

The second week was better. I saw him responding and realizing what all he had missed and yeah, maybe a part of me felt a little smug about his current struggle. Every sassy word that came out of my mouth I could feel his hand twitch...and yeah, I think I got a little pleasure from his frustration. I guess I blamed him-- it was his decision to stop.

We are now in week 3. Last night he told me he wants to return to a dd lifestyle.

I honestly don't know what I want.

The first week I listed all of the things I missed:
clear roles
clear expectations
feeling loved, cherished, protected
clear feeling of forgivness
no/less guilt
trusting him
adoration and respect that comes from his taking control
fast route to reconnection
I want him in charge but I want him to take control ie earn it/deserve it/prove that he wants it
breaking down of walls
lack of distance
push for clear communication
way for him to clearly communicate his disappointment
the more I disrespect him and he tolerates it, the less I respect him
comfort from knowing he is in charge
mutual accountability

Some of that list has less to do with the loss of DD and more just to do with the simple loss of trust from our argument.

So I began to ponder-- can we have these things without DD?

Without DD, emotions seem to reign. On both of our parts. I don't have him to rein me in, and he doesn't have the "responsibility" of being the H to keep him accountable.

Honestly, this has been less of an issue since we are not "fighting" right now, but what about the next disagreement? Will we be right back there?

The truth is, our relationship grew leaps and bounds in our Domestic Discipline life, and I simply don't know if we will/can be as close and connected as we were with it, without it.

I just don't know.

He seems to have come to the conclusion that he doesn't think we he wants it back.

I don't know. The only thing I know is I am confused.

Will it be different?

With him in school again, will he have time to be "H" in the capacity I need him to be?

He says the role of "H" can be tiring, that he comes home from work and feels like he has to be "on." I don't want that pressure for him, but I don't know how to fix it.

Being not naturally submissive, I do feel like I am a lot of work to maintain the level of submission he wants...and I crave when we are in our roles. I love "feeling" submissive...but it takes major consistency for me to "feel" that way. For a long time I thought it was worth it...but now...sigh. Now I don't know.

Will he resent me? I know he likes the end result, but will he again resent the process? I know he says he was wrong and that he lost sight of it all...but will it once again prove to be too much work?

If we remodel our dynamic, what will it look like?

I miss the connection. I really really do. But I can honestly say I don't miss the punishments! :P But I do miss after...I miss feeling "his"...I miss calling him sir...I miss that feeling of protection, of being cared for...

Part of me wonders if we should give it more time...more time to redevelop who we are apart from see if we can have some of that without it...

And part of me doesn't want to waste any more time frustrated with where we are.

And then the other thing...that lack of trust I still feel. Can I really make myself that vulnerable to him right now? My heart is still hurting...I don't know if I can...and yet part of me just wants him to tear down the walls for me...but then, I am not sure I am ready for that.

If you made it through my ramblings, thank you! I look forward to your words of encouragement, advice, anything you have to offer!

I am sorry for being so MIA, life has been hectic. I definitely miss the online DD community...going through this alone has been so hard. In fact, I think that was one of our major struggles. I think SC not having anyone to talk to him and keep him grounded in the lifestyle and help him has been a major issue...this lifestyle is unique and very different for every couple, but it is really hard to do alone.

And my not having anyone to talk to has been .... well, difficult. Lonely.

OK. Enough of this whinefest. I have missed you all!


  1. I'm so sorry! This sounds like a tough situation and I feel for your hurt.

    Dd did not fit into natural roles for us either, so unlike you, we weren't ever really able to get it going in the first place, so I don't have good dd advice.

    When you say that he wants the submission, have you explored why? Is there something specific that he gets from it or is he thinking he should want it?

    I totally understand about the need to feel protected and cared for. These certainly aren't unique to dd but I think a dd relationship does emphasize this desire.

    For us, I had a really hard time trying to get my head around what it means to be submissive. I do have a good idea around what it means to be a good wife. Since we stopped dd or stopped trying, I certainly find myself acting in ways that I wouldn't have before, and I am far from the perfect wife, but it's less stressful for us both and thus we're thriving more.

    You can have all the stuff you want with or without dd, but it takes as much communiction, if not more, and that's hard. I wish you the best. It took a lot of courage to put all this out there on your blog.

  2. I'm so sorry you two have been struggling. I can totally relate to this. We haven't been practicing Dd for many months now. We have taken small breaks before, but I don't think we will now ever go back to the way we were.

    Our dynamic started falling away. Life etc. I became confused as to hid expectations of me etc and we talked. He said he loved certain aspects of ttwd, but when it came to role affirmation, rules and holding me accountable, he never felt he was being himself. He loves spanking me lol, and being dominant in the bedroom but struggled with 'general' dominance.

    It sounds as though taking a step back and reevaluating your dynamic and how you both want it to look going forward is a good idea. Take things slowly and keep the communication lines open. Every couple needs to find what works for them and that takes time. Hang in there!


  3. You paint a very interesting picture of the two of your and your relationship.

    There are certain points that come across, and I wonder whether I might give an opinion - but not advice as such; just my thoughts.

    I get a great sense of lack of communication. You are trying to cover a great deal of ground instead of focussing on one or two points. Your are right - spanking is a mere smidge of what you are trying to achieve, and it is most definitely not a Fix All for a marriage. A good marriage has lots of ups and downs because you are two individuals, but knowing how to communicate helps you through them. Feeling resentful is not a good thing. You are both fallible.

    I cannot advise on punishment because it has no place in our form of TTWD. But yes, there is discipline from time to time. Mostly due to my bad attitude. BUT, and it is a big but - a man can be wrong too. It is important that he realises this and makes it up to you should it happen.

    I wonder how much you are listening to what he is saying. Whilst he wants Dd he is finding it difficult and is getting overwhelmed by it all. You keep saying what you want and it comes over a little bit like Me Me Me. (Apologies if I am wrong.) Listen to each other more and observe body language. Very important. Touches, caresses, cuddles.

    Try to stop picking fights with each other. If something is awry, explain and make suggestions how to change things. Be more attentive to each other's needs - extend your 'job' role and do little things you know he will like and appreciate. The same goes for him. Tell him how he could do little things to help you from time to time. Small kids are very hard work; but I wish my kids were young again!

    Cherish the time you spend together and make the most of it. Try to do everything "in love". I am not ever so keen on the word 'submission' as it reminds me of riding a recalcitrant horse and using a schooling whip a lot. But think of doing things to please, without being asked or reminded.

    I'd like to recommend a book for you both to read. It's called "Sex Begins in the Kitchen" by Dr. Kevin Leman. It is full of some very good stuff! At its basis is communication in a marriage.

    Try to feel more relaxed about Dd. You don't have to have a prescribed day or hour for everything. Let him decide. We discovered that when we abandoned our 'once a week for this' and 'once a week' for that, things came easier to us. Strangely, if you then overstep the mark, you will feel very contrite and he will begin to learn whether you simply need big hugs and lots of reassurance, or whether you need your butt warmed!

    My final thought is to remind you that you are able to have your very own form of Dd (TTWD) and to start slowly. From personal experience, I can assure you that there are times when you think nothing is happening or ever will - and then it suddenly bounces forwards.

    Strengthen that communication - learn to trust, rely on, talk to, explain and discuss. You will then have very strong foundations upon which to build whatever you want.

    Supportive hugs

  4. Cole,
    It is so good to hear from you even if this is sad territory. Just reading Ami's response, she is so right. Starting over with your own form of ttwd, slowly and with sure steady steps is best. Every couple's ttwd/dd is always evolving and changing because of the constant communication. Start right there.

    Plus use your blog as a place to share and ask for help. We are all in this together and are ready to help and be supportive.
    Many sweet thoughts your way,

  5. Firstly i am sorry to hear that you have been struggling so much. What comes across is your sadness and loneliness in the situation you are in. I don't know how you came to dd but the one thing I am sure of is that this life is not supposed to be making you miserable. We don't have lots of rules and punishments. ttwd is mostly based about making our lives more fun and has given us a lot more togetherness. Is there any chance you can maybe ease up on each other for a while and try and put the joy back in your marriage before the punishment? If you want to talk to someone you are welcome to email me, please don't feel you have no one to talk to. You have all my sympathy
    lots of love Jan,xx

  6. Hi Cole,

    I am so sorry you are struggling and unhappy. Have you thought about maybe coming at it from the results angle? What I mean is taking some time to figure out what you want from him and what you want to be for him, then have him do the same and figure out what he wants from you and what he wants to be for you and then do a comparison to see if they match up. Make it clearly defined not just, "I want you to be dominant/submissive" Then figure out how to make those things happen and not limit your thinking to dd. You have made a list of what you miss, and I guess my thoughts are: is dd the only way to get those things? As other people have written, maybe if you just start slowly and if you're really brave point out to him that you are being sassy and you want him to want to stop you from doing that. What do you think he would say? I am sure you will figure it out since you are talking and thinking....hugs.

  7. Boy does this sound familiar. It doesn't seem that long ago when I pulled the dd card and it really stunk. I so know the feelings and I cried soooo much. But neither of us could find the way back even though we saw the positive that dd brought to our relationship. I had all kinds of love and support through blogland and I even shared with Ty what people were saying. He too, does not have the support system that I am fortunate to have here. Once the trust is broken, and dd has been stopped, it is hard to find the way back. But it is doable. And you seem to be on the right track. Ty and I spent so much time talking and at times arguing. I am not really good at being submissive, it is just not me. And [ppr Ty has never ever thought of being the head of the house because I had always been so strong. But it worked until it fell apart. From my personal experience, we will never go back to the way it was before, what we are doing now is maybe better but different. We are practicing DD but he has earned my trust back and he has decided that he wants to be the head of the house, and he wants to there to enforce the rules, and he wants the communication and openness back and he is willing to relearn, and restart this part of our marriage. Though dd is nore than just a part of our marriage, it is our marriagae.
    I am wishing you the peace and grace that it will take to work things out and to get where you both want to be. It still hurts when I think about that time of loss, loss of trust and loss of dd (dd and trust for us go together, right?)
    I am not an expert, in any way, but I do share some of the same experiences that you are going through. So please know that I am always an email away and that I share openly and honestly with you but I also tend to learn too.
    Hang in there, it will work out the way it is supposed to be, Promise

  8. Hello there Cole!
    It's good that you are writing again - working through your feelings and processing - and sharing - only good can come from that. You've been missed and I'm sorry that you've had such a rough time, but I'm so glad that you are back. At least you won't feel so alone as you are dealing with it all.

  9. Dear Cole

    I'm not sure I've commented on your blog before... so.... Hi!

    I, too, have been going through a time without DD, It's so helpful to read your honest account of where you are, and others' comments. It makes me feel less alone!

    I was struck the other day, after a long time of things not working in the DD way, how much I was not letting T be himself. I had built walls around my vulnerable self, because of things he struggles with. We hadn't lost everything between us, but it's as if we had to find another level of trust, in an everyday, simple sense of being there for each other, before we could address the enormity of our desires to be dom/sub.

    It takes me to SUCH a vulnerable place.

    He needed time to come into himself more, join up the dom part with other parts of his personality, find confidence. So, the only choice I had was to retreat. There are so many grey areas in life, but DD has always felt very black and white because of what's at stake. So has to be handled carefully!

    Maybe there needs to be a time where neither of you tries too hard to make it work? - as others have put better than me above.

    We found all the rules we made were artificial in the end. It had to come from somewhere deeper, be more real to us. Otherwise I ended up topping from the bottom. T is not a loud man. His dominance is quiet and steady, and I can often not be listening! Hmmmmm.... much food for thought.

    I hope so much it will have helped you to get all the lovely replies to your post. I believe we always find a way back to what is in our hearts - though it's often a dark path...

    BB xx