Saturday, November 16, 2013

10 Things My Vanilla Friends Would Be Horrified to Know about Me...

You know that number thing going on around Facebook? Like the status and you get a number and have to share that many things about yourself? Well, my number is 10. Only I can't share the things NO ONE really knows... but it would be fun if I could, just imagine their reaction!

(please don't hate, don't judge...this is supposed to be the safe place right....RIGHT?!?!? ;)

1. I am submissive. (I know, I know, no surprise to all of you, but my vanilla friends would fall over in their chairs laughing at that statement!)

2. My husband spanks me. Like when I break rules..and for fun...but they aren't the fact...I am sitting here writing this on a pretty bruised bum...

3.  I often call my husband "Sir" .... well, sometimes he requires it. 

4. I have to write lines for doing stupid things sometimes...and I have had to stand in the corner once in a while...

5. We go all 50 Shades in the bedroom occasionally...

6. There are bondage "things" hidden in our room--- attached to the bed actually...and other places...

7.  My husband has a "toy bag." (yeah those kinds of toys SC is a bit of a toy and implement junkie...the good and the bad...going to need a 2nd bag soon) (I keep saying we need to put a disclaimer on it in case we know "Do not look in here if we die, just throw this bag away!")

8. My Kindle is full of dd and spanking fiction. Go horrified. And yes, I have been spanked for spending too much on spanking fiction...go ahead and laugh...

9. Yes, I read all three 50 Shades books...yes, I know I vehemently denied it...but really they are tame and boring compared to Renee Rose and Maddie Taylor...

10. Oh, and BTW, I write a secret blog about my life in domestic discipline...

Can you just imagine those vanilla faces?!?! Oh my... oh well. Guess I will go write something from which they won't die of a heart attack ...

Saturday, November 9, 2013

The Importance of Spanking in DD (for me)

Recently I read a post of at LDD about dd without spanking. I admit, I did a lot of thinking about this. You hear a lot of dd people say how spanking is only part of it...a small part for many. So, I have given this a bit of thought, because honestly, for us, spanking has been a big part of dd.
(I completely understand that this is not the same for all...and that for some couples spanking does not work the same way...and that for some spanking is impossible.)*disclaimer -- hence the title of this post! 

We as dd wives often talk about the fact that we don't know why spanking works, we just know it does.

It settles us.

It is stress relief

It resets us

It helps us to remain/get into a submissive state

It works, and is therefore, for us, a critical part of dd.

This week, I got a taste of life in dd without spanking. Something happened last week that kind of upset the cart. SC declared us on a spanking hiatus until he could work it out. He was still HoH, I was still to keep the rules, there would still be consequences, just not spanking.

Corner time, journal entries...they just don't "reset" like a spanking does. I still feel guilt for much of the last week...Corner time makes me that's not very effective! :P

I have just felt...unsettled.

So, that made me think more...what IS IT about spanking... why does that do what it does?

I still don't have all the answers...but I think my eyes were opened a little.

1. It asserts his authority

2. It causes you to submit-- the simple act of being sent to the bedroom or over the bed can sometimes resettle me into submission

3. It humbles you: The simple act of going OTB or OTK is a HUMBLING position

4. Physical connection: simple hand to bottom connection-- It is not only physical connection, but the physical connection does further amplify your roles

5. It strips your defenses-- It is hard to be defensive in this position. You are no longer defending yourself or attacking your HoH, you are focused on where you failed, and how to not do it again. 

6. It renders you physically vulnerable-- no where to go, nothing else to distract

7. It renders you emotionally vulnerable-- all false pretenses are gone in this position

8. It releases guilt-- things are atoned

9. It releases the HoH from any frustration or disappointment-- he has "taken care of things"

10. The pain causes physical release of endorphins in your body-- this can feel like an emotional release. (catharsis)

11. It leads to a physical reconnection

12. It leads to emotional reconnection. 

Corner time, lines, essays, grounding...while all effective punishments in their own right, do not do what spankings do (for me).

While I know some are perfectly content to have dd without spanking...dd without spanking has left me restless and disconnected. I feel like I did before dd-- we are "fine". "Fine" is no longer acceptable....

Good thing he has declared R/A for tonight...I am ready to be back connected in his arms...after being over his lap of course.

**this was written a few days ago...we have had R/A and all is right in our little world once again!

Friday, November 1, 2013

Role Affirmation

What is Role-Affirmation?

Role Affirmation is a lot like maintenance spankings, but unlike maintenance which can target a specific rule needed to be worked on, or simply be regularly scheduled for any number of reasons, role affirmation is solely for the purpose of reaffirming the roles of HoH and submissive wife. Role Affirmation is not as severe as punishment spankings, for us they are more like maintenance. For us Role Affirmation spankings are always done OTK as opposed to punishments which are almost always done OTB. Being OTK makes me feel more connected. The physical closeness and connectedness helps plays a part in the emotional reconnection that happens during R/A.

Why Role-Affirmation? 

Staying submissive is not easy for me. And once I start slipping here or there, I steamroll fast. My husband is amazing, but he is not a mind reader, and he doesn't always see the small subtle cues that I am battling my inner-submissive. If he doesn't catch it early, it isn't long before I am a sassy mess. The eye rolling, disrespectful comments, and yes, the dreaded bratting begins in full force.

Without putting the breaks on quickly, it all too quickly leads to a punishment spanking. Except...there is something that can stop it before it gets out of hand-- role affirmation. A role affirmation spanking can reset us in our roles and reaffirm my HoH in his place as head of our relationship and me in the submissive role. I offer submission, but sometimes I need to be reminded that he took me up on it!

Another reason for role affirmation is before or after either partner has been away. We find this very helpful. Not always, but occasionally before either of us leave he will do R/A to help me get in the right frame of mind before either of us leave. Whenever I am away from him, the dynamics of life change, and I don't have the constant interaction with him that helps our dd dynamic thrive. Often when we are apart, I am left in charge of everything-- the house, the kids, day to day decisions. It is easy to slip into isolated independence. While there is nothing wrong with providing that which is needed while he is gone, sometimes the transition back to him physically present is challenging. I am out of the practice of asking permission for certain things, am not as careful of my tone with him, being held accountable consistently, etc. When we come back together, he will usually use Role-Affirmation as a way to reconnect and reestablish us back in our roles.

One of the major benefits for me of R/A is that it can often keep me from receiving a punishment spanking. I know the concept of a spanking preventing a spanking is rather counter-intuitive, but it works. DD is pretty much entirely pragmatic right? We do it because it works...not because we can explain it! If SC sees me edging closer to the line, he can often reign me in with R/A before it gets to the point that he has to punish. A lot of times for this purpose it is in the mornings when he is about to leave for the day, and he can see that the track I am does not have the greatest outlook for the day. A quick trip to the bathroom for some R/A resettles me and drastically increases the statistical probability I will make it through the day without breaking a rule! Since R/A spankings are nowhere near as hard as a punishment spanking, I would much rather catch it early and skip the punishment!

Who Initiates Role-Affirmation?

In the beginning, I was often the one to initiate role-affirmation. I would never come out and say "I need a role affirmation spanking..." I am not crazy! I would say little things like "I am feeling unsettled..." or "I feel disconnected." He began to understand those cues, and he would offer R/A.

After awhile, I felt less comfortable expressing my needs in this area. I admit this is a fault. I should be comfortable with it, but I think most dd wives understand the frustration of feeling needy! Asking for R/A made me feel needy...why couldn't I just feel submissive? Why do I need to be spanked to avoid a spanking? Frustrating and futile self-talk. The fact of the matter helps, so I need to embrace it.

SC is the one who initiates it before or after being away. He will declare time for R/A if he seems me slipping or edging too close to the line. In our relationship, either can initiate. In his case he declares it, and in mine I may request it...or more likely subtly hint to the need for it!

Who initiate will likely depend on your dd dynamic. Some HoH's might be ok with the wife suggesting or asking for it...others might not.

How is it different than maintenance?

Some may read this and ask, this sounds an awful lot like maintenance. And maybe in your dd relationship, maintenance is enough. For us, while we don't do "regularly" scheduled maintenance, SC will call for maintenance if he sees a slip in certain rules, or I need reminding of a certain rule or rules. In maintenance, SC always goes over our list of rules and refocusing on all rules and our relationship is the goal. Role Affirmation is almost like targeted maintenance. It isn't for any particular infraction or reminder, it is simply about reminding both HoH and submissive wife of their roles. While maintenance has many physical purposes-- keeping you from physically needed a punishment, Role Affirmation is purely emotional-- reestablish the connection before you act out due to emotional unsettledness.

But is it fair?

I know a lot of couples have issues with the ideas of maintenance and role-affirmation. DD is TTWD...we all have to be comfortable with the boundaries of our own dynamics. If this works for you, great. If it doesn't, great!

I think with R/A, if it doesn't "work" for the wife-- make her more submissive, feeling emotionally connected, and happy with the relationship, then this wouldn't be fair and she wouldn't want it. However, if it does the intended or the wife requests it...perhaps it is worth a shot. If either partner feels uncomfortable with it afterward, you know that R/A isn't for you.

Well, those are my thoughts on R/A...written as requested by a dear friend and fellow blogger. Hope it helps someone!