Friday, May 31, 2013

So Over It...

I am so very over being spanked. Really. Truly. Seriously. Over it.

I am a bit of a spanko...but NOT when it has anything to do with punishment....or wood...or leather....or anything other than some fun with his hand...

I have been spanked 5 out of the last six days. Every single one of those days included a punishment spanking for speeding. Many of them had other things added on top of that. One of those nights I was spanked for speeding--that punishment was doubled because I continued to speed after I became aware of it because "well, I was going to be spanked anyway so whatever." ok ok I understand why it was doubled. gosh.

I hate being punished. And being spanked over and over again for the same issue made me frustrated. I think at first I really thought it wasn't worth it. It was too hard. Well, the truth is it is worth it now. Sore bottoms and leather seats = not so much fun. :( It was a painful reminder to go the speed limit. I managed to stay within 5 miles of the speed limit today so far. I was too sore not to.

And of course there is the disappointment. He was so disappointed in my attitude that day...for speeding anyway because I knew I would already be punished. Yeah that was stupid. I hate I hurt him. I was disappointed in myself.

Last night I was so sore I COULDN'T stay in position. In fact I jumped OUT of position and yelled for him to stop. Oops. :( It was total involuntary physical reaction. One in which he did all he could to make sure doesn't happen again. :'(

The whole mess of feelings and emotions in TTWD are so challenging sometimes. Sometimes when a spanking seems like more that I can handle...I begin to question everything. I hate questioning. I know this has been so good for us...but my mind wonders.

Why do we do this?
Is this working?
This is so not normal...
Is this right???
I hate being punished
I wonder what he is thinking as I sob and he swats away at my already sore bottom...
Couldn't we have the closeness without the harshness of punishment spankings.

I shared some of this with SC the other night and he asked a good question.

How do you feel when you go a week or more without being spanked?

ugh. Way to bring perspective to my me party.  I know I crave the connection that comes with spanking. The release of guilt. The medium for him to maintain dominance and leadership in our marriage.

But the emotions are hard.

As I submitted to a very difficult spanking last night and sobbed horribly the whole thoughts ran away by themselves.

As I questioned TTWD and the necessity of such painful events...I remembered the conversation SC and I had after only a few weeks of dd, back in September.

He told me he felt that for our entire marriage I had not allowed him a voice. That I had run over him. That he was unhappy and had been for a long time. He also expressed how dd had changed all of that. How he felt respected. How he felt he had a voice and was free to communicate without me retaliating. I was devastated that day. I had done that.

I had found dd, but he was the one who had wanted it in our marriage. I tried it for him. Because I loved him. After that conversation, I knew I had to embrace it. I couldn't go back. I loved him too much.

I love what dd has done for us. I love the closeness. The reconnection is provides. It feels right submitting to him. He has stepped up as my leader, my protector. He cherishes me, loves me, and takes care of me. In return I submit to him, respect him, and obey him. TTWD is good for us. It is. I know that.

But good gracious punishment spankings hurt.

The emotions and feelings are hard to deal with. Doubt is hard to deal with.

A dear dd friend said I am over analyzing. She is probably right. I am way too much of a thinker. I over analyze everything...

I can't possibly be the only one....Anyone ever doubt the benefits or necessity of this lifestyle? What do you do with those thoughts?


  1. I would say that he needs to make the discipline "bearable" and a "positive" experience for you with LASTING results, not just a period of "torture." He also needs to reward you with a good girl spanking when you have managed to do the right thing--when you observe the speed limit, you should be RICHLY rewarded somehow.

    Both of you need to negotiate the severity of discipline AND he needs to take care of your NEEDS!

    Just sayin'.

    1. Thanks for your thoughts. This week was definitely more than normal because I told him it would have to be to break the speeding issue. I knew how hard it would be for me to handle this rule and told him the consequences would have to be tough....that reality doesn't make it easier though. ;)

      The word "torture" kind of makes me laugh though. I assure you it's not torture even though when I blog I may make it seem so. :)

  2. oh my, this was a tough read for me, because i've only had ONE punishment spanking and i broke down in tears. so the thought of you going through one of those episodes every single day for five days? um. yeah. no. and then a punishment doubled? gosh. i don't know. like bobcat, i think you guys need to renegotiate the speeding thing.

    also, i agree that SC has a point about how it's tough for you to go a week without a spanking. i SO get that, but i also think you'd be better off with maintenance twice a week and one of the "sets" within the maintenance could be to just focus on the speeding issue. that's my two cents anyway.

    i'm so sorry about your bottom and the speeding! stop it already! i'm SO over your speeding. :)


    1. Lol M, We can be over it long as I stop doing it! Ha! 5 days in a row was tough. I actually earned one yesterday but he gave me a reprieve and is having me do lines instead. Can you believe I tried to get him to give me the spanking instead...I hate writing lines!

      I know while those spankings were hard to get through, I told SC he would have be to be tough on this issue if he wanted it to change. I know me and it had to be severe to get me to stop. I KNOW that, and told him that, but it is still hard to get through...hopefully it was enough to kick the habit. ;)

  3. Anytime I've had a bad week like you have, I've doubted the reasons and the benefits of DD; I think that's normal. Talking to him was the right thing to do, and it gave him the opportunity to share some feelings you were unaware of as well. Remind him that DD isn't always about the punishments and he needs to reward/praise for good behaviour as well. The rewards don't have to be "things", sometimes just a few loving words of praise and a cuddle are what make our hearts sing, and those moments make it easier to avoid the negative ones. Your DD friend was right! :D

    1. Thanks C. It helps to know I am not alone in those thoughts...

      Punishments are hard...but this week has been more than normal, so I think that is why I am having a hard time. But I know it was necessary. I know me, and less would not have worked and it would have just left me frustrated. My poor HoH! Lol affirmation and reward is so important. He is usually pretty good about it..but I think that gets cloudy when i go through a week like this one where I am in trouble constantly..

      And that is one wise dd friend I have... ;)

  4. I have questioned DD before and if it is something I need. I have realized I was asking the wrong question. This is something he needs, he needs it to have his voice in our marriage. I find that the punishment spankings are more bearable if sometimes I get a fun, good girl spanking. One that doesn't really hurt but leaves to many fun activities. Sorry you had such a bad week. Hopefully the next week will be much better.

    1. Thank you for this comment. Yes, it is something they need, and we can give it to them because we love them. So true.

  5. Cole
    I am sorry for your sore bottom! Your friend is right though. I have a similar thing saved on my computer that says "Don't overthink things, you will create a problem where there is none."
    I think we go back and forth struggling with wondering if DD is okay because of how society acts about such things as submission and discipline. If it were a widely accepted thing we didn't have to hide, we wouldn't worry as much. Remind yourself that it works and how your husband now feels he can take charge, be himself, and just accept that you are a DD wife. :)
    love to you

    1. Yes, I hate the hiding. And you are very right, "just accept that you are a DD wife." I have repeated that phrase many times this week. :) Thank you!!!

  6. I have practiced DD for almost 3 years and Itend to agree with the past com enters about having feelings of doubt. I feel these feelings are completely normal. There is one thing I would like to suggest. I have been in your situation where I have been punished several days in a row as well. When I get to a point where I feel I can't take anymore we have "safe" words in place. It is a word I use to let him know I really can't take it right now. He accepts the word and will allow me a day or so to recooperate. However during that time I must either write a certain amount of lines, do corner time or some other type of non physical punishment until the physical punishment can be carried out.

    I also agree that when you do well it needs tobe recognized immediately. Although I see from earlier responses you say your hoh is good at that. I say that is what makes him a good hoh.

    Now having said all that. I am sure he would much rather have you sitting next to him safe and sound (other than the sore bottom) than sitting next to you in a hospital room from an accident because of speeding.

    His number one job is to love, cherish, honor, and PROTECT you.

    1. Thanks. We do have a safe word. I have yet to use it though...I guess I just feel my job is to submit to the punishment...I'm sure I would if I had to though.

      Very true about hi wanting me safe. I know that. It just still is a hard rule! ;)

  7. Oh cole :(

    Sorry your post really hit home. Yes yes yes, I question and analyse and question some more, only to get myself all very worked up and confused.

    Yes punishments hurt, and getting spanked several days in a raw is the hardest thing ever, yes I know, I go through it a lot. But I will also say, things that I've been spanked for several times, has worked for stopping that behaviour.

    You did the right thing to talk to him. They need to know, how we feel and if something is too much to handle, they should definitely know about it.

    Also I know what you mean, bringing dd to your H, but him being the one who needed it in your relationship. This exactly how we started and as I've said, most of the time I feel like I'm the one dragging my feet and he's really grown in his role.

    Give yourself a chance, it will get easier, so they say lol

    Thinking of you x

    1. Thank you Missy for the kind words. it is good to know I am not alone in my questioning. Those HoH's of ours sure do step up though huh?!?! lol

  8. Oh heck yeah. I'm sure we all have those weak moments. Sometimes in the moment or right after I just feel so SORRY for myself, it's not helpful at all. I let my emotions run me all over the place.

    Blogging helps, because I slow down and process, or teach myself things as I write, or find clarity.

    The friendship and closeness we have developed through this lifestyle is worth it all. Even on the worst days, I remind myself of the harmony we share, the intimacy, trust, devotion, and strong marriage for the future we are building.

    But punishment sucks. Bah :(

    Sorry it's been rough for you lately.

    1. Thank you Stormy. I hate the feeling sorry for myself ... the "why do I have to go through this??? if only we were "normal" I wouldn't be being paddled right now! Well, the truth is you are right. the closeness and strong amazing marriages we have is worth the not "normal" part of it.
      but yes, punishments do indeed suck. :(

  9. Questioning DD seems like it's something we all have in common from time to time. But in the end, we get those moments that make it ohhh so worth it!

    I'm sorry you got all those punishments, I hope they're all over by now?

    1. Thanks Kenzie, we are all good. :) Good to know we have all questioned it at some helps to know I am not alone.