So Over It...

I am so very over being spanked. Really. Truly. Seriously. Over it.

I am a bit of a spanko...but NOT when it has anything to do with punishment....or wood...or leather....or anything other than some fun with his hand...

I have been spanked 5 out of the last six days. Every single one of those days included a punishment spanking for speeding. Many of them had other things added on top of that. One of those nights I was spanked for speeding--that punishment was doubled because I continued to speed after I became aware of it because "well, I was going to be spanked anyway so whatever." ok ok I understand why it was doubled. gosh.

I hate being punished. And being spanked over and over again for the same issue made me frustrated. I think at first I really thought it wasn't worth it. It was too hard. Well, the truth is it is worth it now. Sore bottoms and leather seats = not so much fun. :( It was a painful reminder to go the speed limit. I managed to stay within 5 miles of the speed limit today so far. I was too sore not to.

And of course there is the disappointment. He was so disappointed in my attitude that day...for speeding anyway because I knew I would already be punished. Yeah that was stupid. I hate I hurt him. I was disappointed in myself.

Last night I was so sore I COULDN'T stay in position. In fact I jumped OUT of position and yelled for him to stop. Oops. :( It was total involuntary physical reaction. One in which he did all he could to make sure doesn't happen again. :'(

The whole mess of feelings and emotions in TTWD are so challenging sometimes. Sometimes when a spanking seems like more that I can handle...I begin to question everything. I hate questioning. I know this has been so good for us...but my mind wonders.

Why do we do this?
Is this working?
This is so not normal...
Is this right???
I hate being punished
I wonder what he is thinking as I sob and he swats away at my already sore bottom...
Couldn't we have the closeness without the harshness of punishment spankings.

I shared some of this with SC the other night and he asked a good question.

How do you feel when you go a week or more without being spanked?

ugh. Way to bring perspective to my me party.  I know I crave the connection that comes with spanking. The release of guilt. The medium for him to maintain dominance and leadership in our marriage.

But the emotions are hard.

As I submitted to a very difficult spanking last night and sobbed horribly the whole time...my thoughts ran away by themselves.

As I questioned TTWD and the necessity of such painful events...I remembered the conversation SC and I had after only a few weeks of dd, back in September.

He told me he felt that for our entire marriage I had not allowed him a voice. That I had run over him. That he was unhappy and had been for a long time. He also expressed how dd had changed all of that. How he felt respected. How he felt he had a voice and was free to communicate without me retaliating. I was devastated that day. I had done that.

I had found dd, but he was the one who had wanted it in our marriage. I tried it for him. Because I loved him. After that conversation, I knew I had to embrace it. I couldn't go back. I loved him too much.

I love what dd has done for us. I love the closeness. The reconnection is provides. It feels right submitting to him. He has stepped up as my leader, my protector. He cherishes me, loves me, and takes care of me. In return I submit to him, respect him, and obey him. TTWD is good for us. It is. I know that.

But good gracious punishment spankings hurt.

The emotions and feelings are hard to deal with. Doubt is hard to deal with.

A dear dd friend said I am over analyzing. She is probably right. I am way too much of a thinker. I over analyze everything...

I can't possibly be the only one....Anyone ever doubt the benefits or necessity of this lifestyle? What do you do with those thoughts?