Saturday, December 14, 2013

Disrespect-- Who defines it?

I would venture to say respect (or lack thereof) is a key component in most dd relationships. Respect is key. Wives must respect their hoh's and hoh's must respect their wives for this relationship to work. It is a cornerstone value in a good relationship.

But it can also be an arbitrary value. I mean, who decides what is disrespectful? Can the simple fact that a person feels disrespected mean that the other person truly was disrespectful? Does disrespect necessitate some kind of intent or attitude? Can disrespect be completely accidental or does there usual precipitate some kind of underlying attitude issue?

These are some of the questions I have asked over and over again.

Especially when my h gives me that *look.* You know the one.

Then I give him back the *other* look-- you know the--who me? what did I do?-- all innocent look. That wasn't disrespectful!

A few weeks ago was one of those times.

My h was unhappy because I was cutting my children's fingernails in the the same time he was in there shaving. <insert puzzled look here>

I was baffled. Why on earth was he upset at this???

He tells me that we have had this conversation before and he does not want the children in there during his morning routine. He doesn't like to be interrupted.

My baffled persona quickly turned annoyed...right after those darn 3 words.

It is disrespctful.

Disresepctful?!?!?! How in the world can cutting the children's finger nails be construed as disrespect???

You think everything is disrespect. 

Well, that comment got me over the bed in about two shakes of nothing.

And THAT made me mad.

WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!! That wasn't disrespectful. That was making a statement! 

We have had the premise of this conversation often -- who decides disrespect? The one doing the disrespecting or the one being disrespected? I mean, truthfully, one could feel disrespected by any little thing right??? That is not the other person's fault right? Doesn't disrespect need some kind of intent??? Don't I have to mean disrespect to be disrespectful?

My H doesn't think so. And around here, he decides what is disrespect. I don't always think it's fair...I mean, what about if he misunderstood what I meant??? Usually we are on the same page and I recognize the disrespect when he calls me on it...but sometimes? Sometimes, I just want to call foul! I think I should have some say if I was being disrespectful or not!!!

What do you all think???? Who determines disrespect? If someone feels disrespected does it automatically make the other person guilty of being disrespectful???


  1. Cole,
    I am right with you. I have been called on disrespect and my response was "REALLY". That earned me a quick spanking and when I fumed, some more! Especially when I pointed out that respect was a two way street. ......... I just can't win!

  2. Cole,
    This is a really hard one, I have no idea, and I know I've complained to you about this too! It's a really hard issue, and I honestly feel like while the HOH ultimately determines the whole disrespect thing, they have a responsibility to communicate "why" they feel it's disrespectful...and that means maybe, taking a step back and taking the feelings and emotions out of it :) Big, Big HUGS!!

  3. I agree with Jennelle here. Having him give you the "why" behind the reason its disrespectful will be helpful in preventing it next time. In the meantime, steer clear of the bathroom while he is doing his morning routine ;)


  4. ooooh…. tricky subject! I'm not sure either person is always right. Sometimes, I agree that it's about what the intent was BUT do you ever intend to be disrespectful? If you dont intend to push someone over and thats not what you meant to do, you still feel bad and apologise. Maybe this is the same……

    I don't know, maybe I'm just rambling :P


  5. A convoluted answer perhaps but I think at my house the confusion lies in my understanding of what makes my husband feel respected. I've been on a quest lately to figure this out and to show him respect instead of focusing almost entirely on not being disrespectful. The bathroom thing is a perfect example. How would any woman know that was disrespectful until they explained it. As mine has been giving me the why's I've slowly started to figure it out.

  6. This one is very tricky, but thinking it through in another context makes it much clearer for me.

    In the public square, there are all sorts of ideas and behaviors that are interpreted as being disrespectful, or even "hateful", that are not intended by those engaging in the said behaviors as being so. Just because someone feels offended by what we say, for instance, does not make what we say truly offensive. Sometimes it's the listener who is exercising communication tyranny and acting in a completely unloving manner by interpreting statements and behaviors as offensive when they are not intended by their "author" as such, and insisting that their interpretation is the right one.

    Having said that, though, we, of course, want to know why someone feels disrespected or hated and what makes them feel so, in order that we can then determine how we might want to adjust what we say or do, or how we say or do it -- or not.

    As applied to HOH, they need to be loving and mature enough to listen to our hearts and intentions. Otherwise they are acting with a tyranny that they would most assuredly reject a listener exercising over them in the public square.

    We then listen as they explain why they feel that way. It's a cop out to call something disrespectful because it annoys them. That word is almost a magic word, giving them power to exercise dominance over every pet peeve, if they so choose. We love them or respect them enough to change, if that makes sense. They will probably still choose to interpret our not honoring their mere preferences as disrespect, if they are so inclined.

    There is definitely a balance here. It requires love on both sides to interpret intention and to give to the other in matters of mere preference. Spanking without explanation and for requests for said explanation may, or may not, ultimately be counterproductive. It really depends on the couple, the stage they are in, and the dynamic they are reaching for.

    Beth Elle

  7. Definitely a balance...

    I'm the one who likes my morning routine protected. Not a matter of respect but one of my quirks. Is it possible he felt that the disrespect was not what you did but that he's asked you not to before?

    Maybe the best approach is to acknowledge that he feels disrespected at the time but later ask to talk about it.