Friday, May 31, 2013

So Over It...

I am so very over being spanked. Really. Truly. Seriously. Over it.

I am a bit of a spanko...but NOT when it has anything to do with punishment....or wood...or leather....or anything other than some fun with his hand...

I have been spanked 5 out of the last six days. Every single one of those days included a punishment spanking for speeding. Many of them had other things added on top of that. One of those nights I was spanked for speeding--that punishment was doubled because I continued to speed after I became aware of it because "well, I was going to be spanked anyway so whatever." ok ok I understand why it was doubled. gosh.

I hate being punished. And being spanked over and over again for the same issue made me frustrated. I think at first I really thought it wasn't worth it. It was too hard. Well, the truth is it is worth it now. Sore bottoms and leather seats = not so much fun. :( It was a painful reminder to go the speed limit. I managed to stay within 5 miles of the speed limit today so far. I was too sore not to.

And of course there is the disappointment. He was so disappointed in my attitude that day...for speeding anyway because I knew I would already be punished. Yeah that was stupid. I hate I hurt him. I was disappointed in myself.

Last night I was so sore I COULDN'T stay in position. In fact I jumped OUT of position and yelled for him to stop. Oops. :( It was total involuntary physical reaction. One in which he did all he could to make sure doesn't happen again. :'(

The whole mess of feelings and emotions in TTWD are so challenging sometimes. Sometimes when a spanking seems like more that I can handle...I begin to question everything. I hate questioning. I know this has been so good for us...but my mind wonders.

Why do we do this?
Is this working?
This is so not normal...
Is this right???
I hate being punished
I wonder what he is thinking as I sob and he swats away at my already sore bottom...
Couldn't we have the closeness without the harshness of punishment spankings.

I shared some of this with SC the other night and he asked a good question.

How do you feel when you go a week or more without being spanked?

ugh. Way to bring perspective to my me party.  I know I crave the connection that comes with spanking. The release of guilt. The medium for him to maintain dominance and leadership in our marriage.

But the emotions are hard.

As I submitted to a very difficult spanking last night and sobbed horribly the whole thoughts ran away by themselves.

As I questioned TTWD and the necessity of such painful events...I remembered the conversation SC and I had after only a few weeks of dd, back in September.

He told me he felt that for our entire marriage I had not allowed him a voice. That I had run over him. That he was unhappy and had been for a long time. He also expressed how dd had changed all of that. How he felt respected. How he felt he had a voice and was free to communicate without me retaliating. I was devastated that day. I had done that.

I had found dd, but he was the one who had wanted it in our marriage. I tried it for him. Because I loved him. After that conversation, I knew I had to embrace it. I couldn't go back. I loved him too much.

I love what dd has done for us. I love the closeness. The reconnection is provides. It feels right submitting to him. He has stepped up as my leader, my protector. He cherishes me, loves me, and takes care of me. In return I submit to him, respect him, and obey him. TTWD is good for us. It is. I know that.

But good gracious punishment spankings hurt.

The emotions and feelings are hard to deal with. Doubt is hard to deal with.

A dear dd friend said I am over analyzing. She is probably right. I am way too much of a thinker. I over analyze everything...

I can't possibly be the only one....Anyone ever doubt the benefits or necessity of this lifestyle? What do you do with those thoughts?

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Danger, Dishonesty, and the Strap

I wish I had a warm fuzzy post for you today...I really do...but the only thing warm around here is my bottom. :(

I hit a super low yesterday. One of the out of body....why in the world did I just do that moments...

I was at a convention. One I have been looking forward to ALL year. Friday evening I was talking with SC on the phone and he casually mentioned that my oldest daughter had cried several times that day for me, and was very upset about me missing a sporting even she was having Saturday morning.

That was hard. I knew she was not happy about me leaving, but I didn't think not being there would be as difficult as it was for me. I made a last minute decision to skip the second half of the conference and come home early to surprise my girl and make her event.

All that to say, I really didn't want to miss my conference only to not get there in I might not have set my cruise on the permitted 74 mph.

When I got plenty of time for her event, in fact I made it for most of my younger daughters event which I was not anticipating. Bonus for me, but I was met by the quizzical face of my HoH.

How fast were you going?

I did the smile and duck thing... better to not engage at that point of time. I knew he wasn't going to let it go.

Obeying all traffic laws has always been a rule. However, just a few weeks ago we talked about this rule because I was confused by it. No texting and driving was always a big one, but as for speeding, I had always felt the rule was not necessarily don't speed, but more don't get caught. i.e. if you speed I don't need to know, but if  you get a ticket you are in big trouble. I thought that was not exactly right since why should a ticket change things. SC agreed (why on earth do I let such things come out of my mouth!?!?) and he began to enforce the no speeding thing.

Ya'all. I kind of have a lead foot.

I set the cruise around 77 coming home...except for the times all the other cars were doing know, gotta stay with the traffic...

I knew SC would not be happy about it. We had just taken a road trip in which I had complained the whole time I was driving about setting the cruise on 74.

I knew the expectation.

I also knew I probably had enough time to get to the event.

But I just couldn't obey the rule. I had this compulsion to get where I was headed. And to get there as fast as I could.

I knew I would be in trouble. I just did it anyway. ugh. What was I thinking?!? Perhaps part of me was thinking it would be worth it...oh dear.

And then, my foolishness continued yesterday.

We had to run an errand and drop off a car we had borrowed. When SC went to return the car, I stayed in the driver seat of my vehicle. I knew the expectation was for me to move to let him drive. This is very important to him and a big act of submission for me. One he expects. As he was returning the keys, I knew I would be pushing him sitting there. I knew he would say something, give a look, something to make me move when he got back.

I even thought about what my response would be. I could say oops, forgot or sorry, wasn't thinking about  it but I dismissed those responses because, well, they weren't true.

So when he got back, he totally threw me a curve and went to get in the passenger side! I was beyond shocked and faltered for a second before I opened my door to get out and said "Sorry, you can drive." So, should have stopped there. But Oh No. My mouth detached itself from my brain and out came "Wasn't thinking about it."

ACK. Why in the world did I say that?!?!? I should have admitted it right then. It might not have been a big deal if I had fessed  up and told him I was doing it just to get a rise out of him....He might have called it bratting or testing... I might have been in trouble I might not have. I hate that feeling of dread when you know you have done something wrong. Really wrong. And I knew my HoH was going to be very upset. And disappointed. :(

I waited until the kids were in bed last night and I couldn't stand it anymore to confess.

He was very disappointed.

I can't remember a time you have outright lied to me. 

Ugh. Me either. I am so disappointed in myself.

Memo to mouth: Wait on brain before speaking!

I was spanked. Hard. With the awful strap...

This one actually... form

I wasn't surprised when he pulled it out.

I wasn't surprised with how much it hurt.

I was kind of surprised when it was done because...Maybe it wasn't as bad as I was expecting for such epic issues?

Biggest problem was I still felt guilty. I don't know if it was the magnitude of my guilt-- having lied to him. Ok, I know it wasn't a major lie, but it was lying. I NEVER lie to him. I hate still feeling guilty after a spanking. SC asked if I needed more. Ummmm. no! Is the answer to that question ever yes?!? Maybe it should be, but I don't think I could bring myself to say it.

By the way...I thought straps were not supposed to bruise?!? Liars. ;)

I probably should feel more guilt over the speeding thing....but I can't say that will be the last time we will address that issue. yuck. I don't drive...I sp-ee-d....Not intentionally...I just go where I need to go at the speed I safely can go....Not speeding means I have to watch the speedometer. ewww. Not likely. I think I liked the "don't get a ticket" rule better. :(

2 D's in one day. Pretty big ones at that. Yuck.

Anyway, I am glad to be home after a few weeks of craziness. Summertime is here and I am ready! As long as that strap stays stowed....

So, the question of the day is, can you answer yes to "do you need more?" If you still felt guilty after a spanking what do you do?

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Bold, the Bald, and the Beautiful!

Over the last 10 months we have undergone many changes, not the least among them are the new friends I have made through the online dd community...

One such friend is Christina @ Redbootywoman. I have spent many hours chatting, talking, and seeking her advice. She has provided answers, encouragement, support, friendship, and laughter.... all to someone she doesn't "know." I am blessed to call her friend.

Though I have not met her irl, I know she is beautiful! Her heart is kind and giving. Giving people often find themselves giving more than they ever imagined they could give. And she is about to give something crazy! Yes, crazy good, but crazy all the same!

Christina's mom is suffering from ALS, and Christina has made an announcement of how she plans to help, and give of herself in honor of her mom.

Christina's announcement:

     This year, I am shaving my head to raise funds.  Goodbye hair. Hello scalp.       
       Bald as a baby's bottom!  I want to do this for 2 reasons; to raise money for ALS  
       research and support, but on a personal level, because I want to offer a personal 
       sacrifice in my Mom's name, while she is still with us.  What is more personal that         my hair? 

So, will you join her in her generous giving? You can even keep your hair! ;) Will you donate to an awesome cause for a great mentor and friend in the dd community?

Oh, and a fun bonus! Blondie over @ Blondie's Blog has generously teamed up with Christina and is offering a raffle for one of her world famous pocket paddles. Give a donation of any amount and then head over to Blondie's Blog and comment to get entered into the raffle. (Just be warned, if you are a dd wife and  your HoH hears about it.... he just might order you to enter the raffle-- not saying from experience or anything... ;)

Oh, and everything can be completely confidential! Just donate anonymously.

Donate here

Join in on a great cause for a great friend. :)

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Reckoning of Rules, Roles, and Reality

We are back! From the greatest family vacation EVER!!!! It was so wonderful! Amazing time with my awesome hubby and precious little people. Beautiful location, lots of fun, and yes....NO spankings!!!! (well...there were a few swats but those don't count, right?!?) 

We did the clap test the first night in the cabin and it failed by epic proportions . . . so I was S.A.F.E. (So Absolutely Free Except---the part where we come home!) ACK. 

Actually I managed to keep surprising control without serious consequences this past week. SC was definitely not inconsistent. He gave warnings, the "look", a few squeezes here and there, and yes, random swats when we were alone...but even though I am sure I crossed the respect line a few times, I made it home with only a "healthy maintenance" session to look forward to. "Healthy maintenance?!?" What in the world does that mean?!?! It doesn't sound....delightful. At. All. 

I did get spanked a little this morning for some attitude...with a warning that tonight he would be reestablishing rules and roles. : / That just sounds....ick. Too much like reality

I am missing my spank free cabin in the mountains....

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just maintenance...but this is "healthy maintenance" <insert growling stare here> Oh, and did I mention I have had a REALLY rude awakening of reality today? It has been a rougher than rough day. Somewhere along the road today I think I just stopped caring...thinking well, I am already in super trouble....I doubt it could get any worse...

Trying to get those lovely little people in my house back to reality to finish some schoolwork today was ummmm challenging. And I failed the challenge. :( 

All of a sudden I am yearning for "healthy maintenance." 

Ugh. Yesterday while I certainly wasn't looking forward to being spanked, I WAS looking forward to that reconnecting we would have...the reassertion of roles I knew we needed...but now? Now I am dreading tonight. 

I totally need a redo, not a rude reckoning of rules, roles, and reality. 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

PSA: He has NO Sense of Humor

Ok maybe that's not completely true...

Ok maybe It might have been a tad disrespectful...

I really thought it was funny...

You know that scene in Master of Disguise?

Ha! Come was funny...I mean it was, wasn't it? I was joking....

SC did not think so. My bottom had second thoughts...ouch.

I still think it was kind of funny...the question is, was it funny enough to do it again? ;)

There might have been a tinge of a smirk behind the paddle wielding HoH... Maybe a small one???

Shortest post ever, but we are headed out on a road trip. Family vacation time! See you all next week!

Friday, May 10, 2013

It was a Total Oops...

Where are you? His usual calm and pleasant voice sounded annoyed, agitated, and was that a touch of fear I heard?


I am at my parents, did I not tell you?

Immediately my stomach dropped to my toes. Checking in is an important rule. One I have never broken. My brain rushed to calculate how this had happened. I had tried several times to get a hold of him but his schedule was busy. We usually talk several times a day, but not yesterday. I had received one text after several of my missed calls saying he was busy and did I need anything. I didn't per say..just to check in. No excuses. I could have left a voicemail or a text...I just got busy....and forgot.

I knew he would be home late and planned to be home when he got there. He got home a little early.

No. You didn't tell me. And I got home to no wife, no kids, no dinner. And then I tried to call you and you didn't answer.

Double oops.

I rushed the kids to get ready to leave and then had a thought. With a house guest I knew my punishment would have to wait. I hate I quickly devised a plan that left my house guest and oldest kids at my parents.

Smart or stupid? Still deciding....

Ugh. I felt awful. I hate that I scared him. I have never ever broken this rule. We talk so often during the day, checking in is natural.

Sigh... Guess I should pay more attention to it.

He used that new leather paddle...I really really thought I read somewhere that leather hurt less than wood? Whoever said that lied.

As he held me after I did my usual of telling him it hurt..he assures me it is supposed to. I tell him but he did it REALLY hard. He chuckles and tells me I say that every time. Maybe I do.

But it's all worth it, to hear that whisper in my ear "shhhh it's ok. It's done. I forgive you."

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

"The Package"

Once upon a time a lady invited a friend over for a play date. This friend like so many others was oblivious to the secret life of the lady and her seemingly gentle and sweet husband.

This friend brought her children over to play and as she walks in the door, says oh you have a package.

All color drained from the lady's face, having a good idea what this package contained. She took it from her friends hands and nonchalantly set it on the table. After all scouring it for shipping labels or content information might look somewhat awkward...

The moment the friend and her children left, the lady attacked the package, searching for any sign of telling and horribly humiliating information.

It had the contents listed!

Thankfully, even if this friend read it, I doubt she had any idea what these "two leather hand crafted items from the UK" were to be used for...

The lady knew and her bottom knew...and if it didn't ... It found out last night so the kind gentle mannered husband could "try out" his new "craft items."

The lady thinks her friends should warn their friends about such things...

The lady assured her gentle kind husband now the strap wielding HoH, that straps were only for TERRIBLE horrible no good very bad offenses....would any of said friends like to confirm that for the lady and her strap wielding HoH? She feels there is power in numbers...

Friday, May 3, 2013

The Locked Door

The door opens.

You can feel his presence.

You know what's coming, so you simply close your eyes and wait.

The door shuts.

You wait for the sound.

Wait. There was no click. No lock.

He walks toward the bed...the wrong side. His side.

He gets in. He calls you over. Over to him, not over the bed.

But you already know.

He didn't lock the door.

He didn't walk to the closet.

He holds you close, and you talk. Like with mouths.

Your bottom rejoices

Because he didn't lock the door.