SC started back to school this past spring. Spring and summer bring about a lot of travel for work as well. It's the end of the school year, sports activities, family stuff... We have just been busy. Too busy.
When SC started back to school and life got crazy, for a few months things were pretty rough. We settled into what I not so affectionately called the Crime & Punishment cycle. SC would go to work, come home super late, eat dinner, read for classes, and then more often than not, spank me for whatever rules I had broken that day. That was happening a lot. Too much.
I began to resent the rules. I felt he didn't have "time" to be HoH, and although he was punishing me, the closeness wasn't there. Sometimes he barely had time to hold me for very long after because he either needed to get back to school work or get to sleep. Emotionally I was in a terrible place.
Punishments were making me angry, not breaking down walls and bringing us closer together like they are supposed to do.
We regrouped. SC eased up on some of the rules, not changed anything, just eased up the expectations a little. I am getting spanked a lot less. SC is really making an effort to do all he can to spend as much time with us as he can, coming home earlier, helping around the house as much as he can.
We have settled into a new routine. DD has become "just part of life."
Ya'all. I hate it.
Ok not hate it as in I hate dd, I mean I hate the fact that dd has just become another thing. An afterthought.
While we were on vacation and SC was in super H mode, I felt so loved and cared for. So cherished. Yes, I got swatted a bunch, even with the paddle some and while that is no fun, I loved the care I felt-- the closeness.
The thing about dd is it takes a lot of work. On both the part of the dd wife and especially on the HoH. So while my rules have relaxed a little, the reason for that was to lighten the expectations on SC as well, and of course to get out of that crazy crime and punishment cycle!
I miss it. Yes SC is still always in charge. He is always relatively consistent. But I crave that hyper H mode sometimes. And then I feel like that is entirely unfair. And selfish. And he's busy... and I need to not be so needy.
But neediness is part of the dd game-- dd makes us vulnerable and therefore makes us needy. I get that.
I know I need to talk about this with SC soon...maybe there is a compromise. I know that especially with the relaxed rules, I need maintenance. We have talked about it, but for some reason unbeknownst to me he hasn't implemented it. I don't really understand, but I am trying to be patience. Part of me thinks one night a week of submission exercises and maintenance might really help me feel that closeness and get me into a better frame of mind for the week.
I'm not always a fan of change...certainly not this one. But, I am trying to be patient. Trying to be understanding. Trying to be realistic. It's just hard...
Sorry that this post was a bit whiny. He is away right now and I miss him!
Anyone have a submission exercise that helps? Care to share?!? I would love to compile them if you don't mind and do a post on that...SC has asked for ideas in that department.
Hi, Cole. Thanks for sharing. Foreman doesn't do maintenance right now either and I think at some point it is helpful to keep the wheels of dd greased, so to speak. I like the idea of having an evening of submission exercises. If I come up with any I'll let you know. ;-)
ReplyDeleteWe have come to a dd lifestyle where it is just part of our life. It has taken time for both of us. I am always aware that I am to do my "jobs" and to follow our rules. Ty is pretty consistent with being aware if I am getting sloppy. But more important, Ty has learned (or is still and always learning) how to read my moods. He has learned to step up his HoH position when I am slipping or when I need that added structure. We can go days with out a spanking but I know when to defer to him and I know what I am supposed to be doing and I know what will happen when I mess up. I learned a lot of this from a friend who has been doing DD since before marriage and her husband's family has always done it. Her husband is the HoH but it isn't something that is thought about all the time. Only when she messes up then she knows that she is in trouble. She has had her computer, cell phone and things like that taken away for a certain period of time. She has been sent to her room. Other couples have done things like the husband telling his wife that she can't wear underwear that day, that is a type of submission for the wife not a punishment. Every time she notices that she has no underwear on, she remembers who she is being submissive to. Or having to text your husband and check in throughout the day.
ReplyDeleteSorry I wrote so much. I don't know everything and I hope that I don't come across that way. I read blogs all the time looking for advice and I have learned a lot. You have taught me a few things, given me things to think about. Thank you
Cole,
ReplyDeleteYou are not being whiny, you know our struggle with maintenance, to do or not to do. I think he goes back and forth on that issue more than anything else. I'm so sorry life is getting in the way right now, but you are right there is a middle ground to be found, and I know you'll both find it.
I'm pretty lame with submission exercises because I'm not sure what we really do that fall into that category. I try to make coffee before he get's home and a couple times during the week, I make him his favorite meals. He does make me kneel between in legs when he wants to tell me something, or he wants my undivided attention. I think a submission night is a great idea for the two of you!
Great post! Love ya
You are so right about it being hard work on both sides. And both parties need to work equally as hard I think or it goes all lopsided!
ReplyDeleteHovere I am not sure if it would be possible to keep up the super charged TTWD bit when you have to be thinking of other things too; work, children etc. I think there are times in life naturally when the super charged bit comes into play, like while on holiday.
When dd becomes a natural part of everyday life I think it will often be more quiet, that doesn't necessarily mean it's taken a back seat, but fitting in with the other things that have to happen in life.
I do like some of the submission ideas though!
Hi Cole,
ReplyDeleteSorry that life is getting in the way. It does that far too often ya know? As far as submission exercises, there are a few that we use. For me, submission is not just obedience and deference, but service. When serving meals I serve him first. Before I come to relax with him on the couch I ask if there is anything I can get or do for him. Basically I try to think about his needs and desires before acting.
Cole, I'm so sorry it's tough right now! Gosh I can totally relate to a lot of it. I've been trying to find submissive exercises that will help as well - so when I find some, I'll let you know! Just try to remind yourself that there are always such ups and downs when it comes to DD - and hopefully when this down passes, you'll be in a good place again!
ReplyDeletePlease delete my comment from above. I have a much different opinion. I think when I thought that DD just became part of our life and not something we thought about a lot of the time, it was because we got into the closeness, the communication, spending time with each, following and enforcing rules, just noticing each other. That was now how our relationship was. He took the time, now as just his way, and communicate, treated me so well, took care of us, and was the great HoH.
ReplyDeleteWhen things started falling apart, I finally realized that we did get too relaxed with the relationship. It finally came to the point where I withdrew my consent. He had stopped being the HoH. and I (and the kids) was suffering from it. So yes, it is something we need to focus on and not just get comfortable with it. Sorry I was so wrong before. I have learned a lot lately and it is breaking my heart. I hope that we can get it all back but it isn't happening very fast. I hope that things work out for you two.