Warning-- this blog post was difficult for me to write. So difficult in fact, it represents emotions and feelings of several months ago because I just wasn't ready to share it. However, I think vulnerability in emotions in this lifestyle is healthy, and maybe, just maybe it might help someone else...
In the DD world, the concept of consent is big. Like HUGE. Consent is everything. We live this lifestyle because we choose to, regardless of whose idea it was or who initially wanted it. We do it because we mutually agree to this type of relationship.
We are no different. I submit to SC and have granted consent to a domestic discipline lifestyle.
Just because I have granted consent, doesn't mean I always like it.
DD wasn't my idea. And honestly, sometimes I have questioned it. Especially after a particularly hard spanking.
A few months ago was one one of such times. I was in trouble...again...and it was a pretty intense spanking.
I got mad.
Yeah, not the reaction he was going for with that paddling.
As he tried to hold me, and was not oblivious to my emotions and distancing, I turned to him and asked:
"How can you do that?"
"Spank me like that. How can you do that? Why do you do it?"
I was battling this inner struggle, not for the first time, of how could this man that I love and respect, actually follow through with spanking me. I mean, it's no play thing. Punishment spankings hurt. They can be intense. Occasionally I question how or why we do this. Why does he do it, why do I let him.
It is part of the emotional roller coaster for me. One moment I am complaining (albeit internally) that he doesn't spank often enough or hard enough...or consistent enough. How could he let that go?
And then half a breath later, How can he do that?
Yeah, there is nothing rational about it, but it is the reality of my emotions nonetheless.
Only this time, I voiced my thoughts. I actually asked him how he could do it. I asked him why.
I held my breath as I waited for him to answer.
He held me tight and he responded,
Because I love you. And because you have asked me to. You have asked me to hold you accountable, and I am just following through on my part.
Dang rational HoH brain.
You see, hard spankings may make me angry sometimes, and I may question why we do this, but ultimately he has my consent. I agreed to it. With one word it could all stop.
We have talked about that-- stopping dd that is. I don't think I really want to stop when I have brought it up...maybe I just need to be reassured that I have that choice? That I wouldn't ruin our relationship if I pulled consent.
He is never really please with that conversation. He has no desire to give up dd. I don't either...but sometimes...sometimes I question. Sometimes, while I have granted consent, it is reluctant.
For weeks after that spanking I was "off." I don't really know what was going on. I struggled to find that submissive place I work from in dd. I am not naturally submissive. I have to work hard to get to that place. I like it when I am there. I enjoy pleasing him, I enjoy the care and tenderness he offers there. I love being "His."
But reluctant consent is a difficult balancing act. It is an inner emotional battle. We continue because cognitively I know we need to-- in my head I know this lifestyle is right...but I don't feel it in reluctant consent.
I can't fake it. I never have been a good liar. Actually I am terrible at it. My emotions are an open book. So when my consent is reluctant, I need to keep communication with my H open. He needs to know what I am thinking and feeling so he can help me.
It took awhile to get back to normal. I cannot guarantee I will never feel that way again. I doubt that is the last time a spanking will make me angry...I doubt it will be the last time I question why. But the wave passed. The feeling of lostness with it has gone.
So, this post feels so depressing. I was in a rough place for awhile as far as dd goes. For about a month a lot of questions plagued me. Things are better. A lot better. And while I know my questions which are fueled by emotions will probably creep back, the longer we are in the lifestyle, the more reasons we find to continue.
Honesty and communication in this lifestyle are so important. I am so very glad I was able to share even the difficult details of this with my H. We don't face anything--even the toughest emotional battles -- alone.
Reluctant consent may not be a great place to be...but it has its own lessons to be learned. I'm just glad it's over....Reluctant Consent. It may be reluctant, but it was still consent. And I am super glad it has given way to just plain 'ole consent.