Friday, November 1, 2013

Role Affirmation

What is Role-Affirmation?

Role Affirmation is a lot like maintenance spankings, but unlike maintenance which can target a specific rule needed to be worked on, or simply be regularly scheduled for any number of reasons, role affirmation is solely for the purpose of reaffirming the roles of HoH and submissive wife. Role Affirmation is not as severe as punishment spankings, for us they are more like maintenance. For us Role Affirmation spankings are always done OTK as opposed to punishments which are almost always done OTB. Being OTK makes me feel more connected. The physical closeness and connectedness helps plays a part in the emotional reconnection that happens during R/A.

Why Role-Affirmation? 

Staying submissive is not easy for me. And once I start slipping here or there, I steamroll fast. My husband is amazing, but he is not a mind reader, and he doesn't always see the small subtle cues that I am battling my inner-submissive. If he doesn't catch it early, it isn't long before I am a sassy mess. The eye rolling, disrespectful comments, and yes, the dreaded bratting begins in full force.

Without putting the breaks on quickly, it all too quickly leads to a punishment spanking. Except...there is something that can stop it before it gets out of hand-- role affirmation. A role affirmation spanking can reset us in our roles and reaffirm my HoH in his place as head of our relationship and me in the submissive role. I offer submission, but sometimes I need to be reminded that he took me up on it!

Another reason for role affirmation is before or after either partner has been away. We find this very helpful. Not always, but occasionally before either of us leave he will do R/A to help me get in the right frame of mind before either of us leave. Whenever I am away from him, the dynamics of life change, and I don't have the constant interaction with him that helps our dd dynamic thrive. Often when we are apart, I am left in charge of everything-- the house, the kids, day to day decisions. It is easy to slip into isolated independence. While there is nothing wrong with providing that which is needed while he is gone, sometimes the transition back to him physically present is challenging. I am out of the practice of asking permission for certain things, am not as careful of my tone with him, being held accountable consistently, etc. When we come back together, he will usually use Role-Affirmation as a way to reconnect and reestablish us back in our roles.

One of the major benefits for me of R/A is that it can often keep me from receiving a punishment spanking. I know the concept of a spanking preventing a spanking is rather counter-intuitive, but it works. DD is pretty much entirely pragmatic right? We do it because it works...not because we can explain it! If SC sees me edging closer to the line, he can often reign me in with R/A before it gets to the point that he has to punish. A lot of times for this purpose it is in the mornings when he is about to leave for the day, and he can see that the track I am does not have the greatest outlook for the day. A quick trip to the bathroom for some R/A resettles me and drastically increases the statistical probability I will make it through the day without breaking a rule! Since R/A spankings are nowhere near as hard as a punishment spanking, I would much rather catch it early and skip the punishment!

Who Initiates Role-Affirmation?

In the beginning, I was often the one to initiate role-affirmation. I would never come out and say "I need a role affirmation spanking..." I am not crazy! I would say little things like "I am feeling unsettled..." or "I feel disconnected." He began to understand those cues, and he would offer R/A.

After awhile, I felt less comfortable expressing my needs in this area. I admit this is a fault. I should be comfortable with it, but I think most dd wives understand the frustration of feeling needy! Asking for R/A made me feel needy...why couldn't I just feel submissive? Why do I need to be spanked to avoid a spanking? Frustrating and futile self-talk. The fact of the matter helps, so I need to embrace it.

SC is the one who initiates it before or after being away. He will declare time for R/A if he seems me slipping or edging too close to the line. In our relationship, either can initiate. In his case he declares it, and in mine I may request it...or more likely subtly hint to the need for it!

Who initiate will likely depend on your dd dynamic. Some HoH's might be ok with the wife suggesting or asking for it...others might not.

How is it different than maintenance?

Some may read this and ask, this sounds an awful lot like maintenance. And maybe in your dd relationship, maintenance is enough. For us, while we don't do "regularly" scheduled maintenance, SC will call for maintenance if he sees a slip in certain rules, or I need reminding of a certain rule or rules. In maintenance, SC always goes over our list of rules and refocusing on all rules and our relationship is the goal. Role Affirmation is almost like targeted maintenance. It isn't for any particular infraction or reminder, it is simply about reminding both HoH and submissive wife of their roles. While maintenance has many physical purposes-- keeping you from physically needed a punishment, Role Affirmation is purely emotional-- reestablish the connection before you act out due to emotional unsettledness.

But is it fair?

I know a lot of couples have issues with the ideas of maintenance and role-affirmation. DD is TTWD...we all have to be comfortable with the boundaries of our own dynamics. If this works for you, great. If it doesn't, great!

I think with R/A, if it doesn't "work" for the wife-- make her more submissive, feeling emotionally connected, and happy with the relationship, then this wouldn't be fair and she wouldn't want it. However, if it does the intended or the wife requests it...perhaps it is worth a shot. If either partner feels uncomfortable with it afterward, you know that R/A isn't for you.

Well, those are my thoughts on R/A...written as requested by a dear friend and fellow blogger. Hope it helps someone!


  1. Another wonderful piece of wisdom Cole :)
    Thanks for sharing!


  2. Cole, your post is really bullseye. I have had a role affirmation spanking recently and it set my world right quickly. Jack ended the spanking by asking if the world were now set right, and I answered indeed it was even though my bottom was very red.

    1. Meredith, thanks! I love how it "sets everything right" even if I don't always love the process! ;)

  3. I would say we have role affirmation then maintenance. I am not always good at remembering to be submissive and this is just a time for us to remember our roles and to bond. Maintenance might happen if I am starting to lose it and Ty thinks I need a little reminder. I am glad that you have found what works for you. It is really difficult to put a name to everything in a relationship. Maybe we should number things instead of naming them. Lol

    1. Remembering to submit is hard isn't it?!?! And yes, there aren't enough words to label all the feelings and questions in this lifestyle! lol But we have fun trying ;)

  4. Cole

    This was perfect. You did a fantastic job of explaining the ins and outs of R/A. There were several points I identified with.

    "DD is pretty much entirely pragmatic right? We do it because it works...not because we can explain it!" This is so true! It is hard to explain it even to ourselves but it does work and once you know it does, you can't let go of that knowledge. You can't un-know something. Ya know? lol

    "I would never come out and say "I need a role affirmation spanking..." I am not crazy!" When SM and I started this 8 months ago I didn't know how to ask for it but he told me I could if I needed to, anytime. I got to the point where I would slide on to his lap and whisper, "I need you to do something," and he knew what I meant. It's still hard to ask though!

    "Asking for R/A made me feel needy...why couldn't I just feel submissive? Why do I need to be spanked to avoid a spanking? Frustrating and futile self-talk. The fact of the matter helps, so I need to embrace it." Yep right there with ya again. I feel needy if I need it a lot. I don't know how to get around it really except embrace it like you suggest!

    Great post,

    love sara

    1. so true. "unknowing" is not possible. Hate that! lol When we "know" and we don't "want to know" that is the hardest, lol

      Embracing it can be tricky... glad you have found something that works... I love that "I need you to do something" is much easier to say than "spank me please" lol :)

  5. Cole,
    Thank you so much for taking the time to write this, we've spent the weekend talking and discussing your post, I don't know which way things will go right now, it's certainly given us a lot to think and talk about, so much of what you said, I can relate know like my inability to stay in a submissive mindset ;) I'll let you know what comes from our discussions, but I think this might really help us to maintain that connection and focus.

    Thank you soooo much!!
    Lots of love

    1. I was happy to do it. Hope it helped...and hope you and your H find what works for you!!! The thing is nothing is easy to it is different for each couple, and pretty much even that changes as time goes :)

  6. Very thoughtful post Cole. We have done both RA and maintenance around here. I think I will forward this on to my Hubby :)


  7. Hi Cole,
    This is a great post. We usually do R/A but have been too busy the past few weeks to find the time. As a result, I went in a downward spiral and couldn't figure out why. After reading your post, it has reminded me of why and hubby gave me R/A this morning and the world is set right again!

    Thanks for sharing.

    1. I am so very glad it helped! Isn't it amazing how R/A can set us back on our feet? Crazy how that works!!! Glad you are all good again :)

  8. Love this post! I have such an interest in R/A and this was a great read. Thanks. :)