Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Community Ramblings: Questions and Concerns

Wow it has been a long time. I miss everyone. Really I do. I think back on the last two years and the amazing help I have found in this community and I am so thankful.

But it hasn't always been sunshine and roses.

And that's why I have been silent for a few months...

I didn't know what to say.

I didn't want to be part of or add to drama.

So I remained silent.

I haven't been around this community very long... only about two years. I often wonder what people are talking about when they say they "miss what blogland used to be." I don't think I ever experienced that. I think I entered the scene at a rough time for this community.

It was just over a year ago that an interview gone wrong seriously shook this community. People were hurt, blogs were made private, some people disappeared forever.

I don't blame them. Not at all. We have to protect ourselves and our families.

Many of us hid in the bushes for awhile and kept sticking our noses out to see if it was safe. Eventually things calmed down and we ventured out to play some.

But I don't think we ever recovered. Not fully.

I think most of us in this community came for the same reasons-- to meet like-minded people, to build relationships with others in the lifestyle, to not feel alone. 

But while I knew the dangers involved in internet relationships, and was careful, I regret certain things. I regret certain trusts that were broken. While this community has brought me great friendships, there have been some rocky moments over the last two years. Nothing as big as the happenings of this summer.

One of the first things I did after my H and I started dd was join a network. I needed to know I wasn't alone, that there were other normal people walking around in normal life that practiced this lifestyle. I got to know many people, and it was wonderful.

I'm not sure what went wrong...but things did go wrong.

After the drama of this summer when one of our own was outed as not being who she said she was-- I was hurt, shocked,  and flabbergasted. And then? Then I was downright angry. I was part of a network she worked for. She had access to my real name and information. I trusted this network and then to find out this?

She was the first one I trusted with my real phone number and real information, because? Well, she already had it...Real phone calls, real texts . . .

I went to log on to the network to see if there was any information...perhaps to just lick my wounds with others . . .only to find out I had been banned. Banned??? Surely it was a mistake? I emailed the owners. No mistake. "Several" people had allegedly "complained" about me.

Now, I know I never said anything on the network that was ban worthy, and I questioned the professionalism of someone that makes such a decision without even talking to the supposed offending person...so I asked about it. What did I allegedly do? No response. My H, concerned as well, sent an email inquiring as to the nature of said allegations. Silence.

For a long time I was really hurt. Angered even over being treated like that. I withdrew- from blogging, from this community. I came here for support, and it seemed like I was getting quite the opposite.

I thought to just stay silent...to not ruffle feathers. To not start drama. But you know what? The other day my H asked why I had this blog? What is the purpose? For me. I blog for me. To write out what I am thinking, and feeling, and share it with people when I am not able to share this information in real life.

So, I am shaken up. Who do you trust? What do you believe? Who is talking to who about you?

I don't do drama, and I don't like strife, but I do think people deserve truth. True thoughts. True feelings. Truth. I may not share every detail of my life here, but what I do share is TRUE.

The Good. The Bad. And the Ugly.

I'm still nervous. How will people respond to this post even? Will I be seen as a trouble maker for posting this?

I have to not be concerned. I am too often a people pleaser. My heart is not to make trouble, but if I er, I will er on the side of truth every time.

I miss so many of you. Truly. I would love to catch up, whether in comments or emails...Hiding out in the cave is lonely...