Monday, December 29, 2014

Life Without DD

It's been 18 days. It seems like an eternity.

We got into a fight. He said some really hurtful things. I know I did as well, out of my own hurt. I didn't think I could ever trust him again.

The thing is we were already questioning our dd relationship. Well, he was.

Ironic since he was the one who wanted it to begin with, and then in the end it was me wishing it to stay...

But then the pain I felt...the loss of heart ached and I couldn't see any respite to that pain, so I agreed with him. We couldn't have a dd relationship where we were. There was no trust. No vulnerability. I was guarded, and hurting.

We said 6 months. I knew it would be hard at first and I didn't want him to give up in a moment of frustration and want dd back simply because it was "easy" to "deal with" his frustration.

I felt like his reasons for wanting to quit DD were extremely selfish. He said he didn't "enjoy spanking me." Well, huh, I don't think punishments are supposed to be enjoyable for either...

He hated the "crime and punishment" cycle we had gotten into. Well, guess what? Me too. DD isn't supposed to be that way. DD is so much more than punishment spankings.

But we had gotten so far from what dd is supposed to be. He stopped Role Affirmations, he stopped maintenance. Busyness with his schedule kept reconnection and connection nearly impossible.

I was hanging on, but barely. I asked for a submission weekend, to get things back on track. He decided he needed time to figure out if he even wanted dd anymore.

We shipped the kids to the grandparents with expectations of the weekend still completely up in the air, and I tried to keep an open mind. We began with watching a marriage DVD. He wanted to discover what was going on with us, and where we were failing-- he desired to get back to "authenticity" in our marriage.

I know what he means by "authenticity." Being dominant does not come naturally to him. I am much more naturally dominant than him. Except in the bedroom-- I am totally a sexual submissive...but he is not a sexual dominant. And that is ultimately what he means by lack of authenticity. He feels like he can't be himself in the bedroom.

He wants to be dominant in the day to day role. He wants to be head of the house and me to be submissive. But then he doesn't want to spank me, he just wants me to "be submissive" without it.

I was frustrated.

We fought. A lot. About that and other things. We were a mess.

Since he was already thinking about stopping DD, it seemed like the perfect time to stop. I had lost trust in him and I was hurting-- not exactly the foundation for a strong DD relationship or any relationship. He didn't like the way it ended-- he felt like I took the decision away from him.

I tried to be objective and gave him a few days to think about it. He did and ultimately agreed that it was the decision he would have come to.

And the tidal wave of emotions bellowed.

I was a mess. Now not only was I dealing with the emotions of being "hurt" but now I had lost a piece of our relationship. I knew cognitively that I would be ok without DD in the long run, but I knew the road would not be easy.

The first week was tough. We talked a lot. At first he was angry. Somewhere along the road he lost sight of what dd was, and somehow he thought without dd (in his mind-- dd was only spanking) our relationship with him as head of house and me as submissive wife would continue. He thought we would still maintain those roles outside of DD.

Well, nope. Not happening. Day to day submission is NOT natural for me. DD granted me the role to "feel submissive." I knew I couldn't maintain that without dd-- and to me DD was so much more than spanking.

While I understand "Biblical submission" to me, the level of submission we practiced was WAY beyond normal "Biblical submission."

We talked a lot.

I think he was blown away with how our perceptions had changed. How he had lost sight of what domestic discipline truly is.

When he realized all we had given up...he wanted to go back.

He realizes he lost sight, and lost perspective and wants to well, not go back to where we were because that wasn't a great place, he wants to reform our perceptions and create a new way for us, including DD.

What do I want?

That's a really great question. One I wish I could answer.

That first week I wanted nothing more than to go back. I missed it so much my heart ached. I found myself bratty and difficult-- reacting out of emotion like the old me. I hated it.

The second week was better. I saw him responding and realizing what all he had missed and yeah, maybe a part of me felt a little smug about his current struggle. Every sassy word that came out of my mouth I could feel his hand twitch...and yeah, I think I got a little pleasure from his frustration. I guess I blamed him-- it was his decision to stop.

We are now in week 3. Last night he told me he wants to return to a dd lifestyle.

I honestly don't know what I want.

The first week I listed all of the things I missed:
clear roles
clear expectations
feeling loved, cherished, protected
clear feeling of forgivness
no/less guilt
trusting him
adoration and respect that comes from his taking control
fast route to reconnection
I want him in charge but I want him to take control ie earn it/deserve it/prove that he wants it
breaking down of walls
lack of distance
push for clear communication
way for him to clearly communicate his disappointment
the more I disrespect him and he tolerates it, the less I respect him
comfort from knowing he is in charge
mutual accountability

Some of that list has less to do with the loss of DD and more just to do with the simple loss of trust from our argument.

So I began to ponder-- can we have these things without DD?

Without DD, emotions seem to reign. On both of our parts. I don't have him to rein me in, and he doesn't have the "responsibility" of being the H to keep him accountable.

Honestly, this has been less of an issue since we are not "fighting" right now, but what about the next disagreement? Will we be right back there?

The truth is, our relationship grew leaps and bounds in our Domestic Discipline life, and I simply don't know if we will/can be as close and connected as we were with it, without it.

I just don't know.

He seems to have come to the conclusion that he doesn't think we he wants it back.

I don't know. The only thing I know is I am confused.

Will it be different?

With him in school again, will he have time to be "H" in the capacity I need him to be?

He says the role of "H" can be tiring, that he comes home from work and feels like he has to be "on." I don't want that pressure for him, but I don't know how to fix it.

Being not naturally submissive, I do feel like I am a lot of work to maintain the level of submission he wants...and I crave when we are in our roles. I love "feeling" submissive...but it takes major consistency for me to "feel" that way. For a long time I thought it was worth it...but now...sigh. Now I don't know.

Will he resent me? I know he likes the end result, but will he again resent the process? I know he says he was wrong and that he lost sight of it all...but will it once again prove to be too much work?

If we remodel our dynamic, what will it look like?

I miss the connection. I really really do. But I can honestly say I don't miss the punishments! :P But I do miss after...I miss feeling "his"...I miss calling him sir...I miss that feeling of protection, of being cared for...

Part of me wonders if we should give it more time...more time to redevelop who we are apart from see if we can have some of that without it...

And part of me doesn't want to waste any more time frustrated with where we are.

And then the other thing...that lack of trust I still feel. Can I really make myself that vulnerable to him right now? My heart is still hurting...I don't know if I can...and yet part of me just wants him to tear down the walls for me...but then, I am not sure I am ready for that.

If you made it through my ramblings, thank you! I look forward to your words of encouragement, advice, anything you have to offer!

I am sorry for being so MIA, life has been hectic. I definitely miss the online DD community...going through this alone has been so hard. In fact, I think that was one of our major struggles. I think SC not having anyone to talk to him and keep him grounded in the lifestyle and help him has been a major issue...this lifestyle is unique and very different for every couple, but it is really hard to do alone.

And my not having anyone to talk to has been .... well, difficult. Lonely.

OK. Enough of this whinefest. I have missed you all!

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Submitting to a Spanking

Who's in Charge
You are. 
What's your role?
To submit. 
Will you submit to me in all things?
Yes Sir

That's usually where it stops. Every time. It's over. No  more spanking, no more punishment. Only hugs and cuddling...and sometimes other activities. . .

Not this time. This time the words that came out of his mouth caused me to sob.

I had just been thoroughly punished. I was sore. I was sorry.

Will you submit to me in all things?
Yes sir. 

Good. Because now I am going to ask you to submit to a long hard spanking.

What?!!? Wait?!?!? That's not how this works! I thought that, but I said nothing. I just sobbed. How could I take more? I was already so sore.

This happened sometime last month. Life had been crazy and I had gotten in some trouble. Threw up some walls and distanced some as busyness can often cause. SC was done. He wanted me back, and he was willing to do anything he was able to in order to make it happen.

So a long hard spanking it was.

And I submitted to it.

SC always expects me to be "still" for spankings. Now, when I think "still" I think relatively--don't move out of position ie stand up, fall to the floor, climb on the bed (huh? No of course I have never done any of those things!) <hiding>

When SC says be still. He means S.T.I.L.L. As in don't move at all. No wiggling, no jiggling, no moving at all. For a long time I just thought that was unreasonable. Sometimes we got to that place in a spanking-- when it was so long and so hard I had no fight left and could do nothing else but lie there. That place where you butt is almost numb (or at least you think it is until your H starts spanking even harder or hits a new place!) but getting there was not super common. It usually only happened during the really bad spankings-- usually resets.

But SC was requiring that "still submission" more and more, and I found myself getting frustrated. A couple of time I even lashed out I AM BEING STILL! (Yeah, Do NOT recommend that!)

In the last few weeks I find myself getting to that still submission more and more. I used to think it was all physical-- spank me hard and long enough and I will give in...  But I have found that emotional surrender will get you there so much more quickly!

Sometimes when I am getting spanked I am angry. I don't think I deserve it. He starts spanking and I vow to not say a word. Not move a muscle. Certainly not cry. Well, that only lasts a short while when a large man is barreling wood down on your backside. Though my body is bent over the bed and I am staying "in position," I am certainly not "submitting" to the spanking.

Sometimes, I am submitting, I know I deserve it, I know I need it, but my mind is on things such as How many was that? What is he spanking me with? Ugh I hate when I do that, I am such a slacker/loser/horrible parent/wife. During these times I am physically submitting. I am even emotionally submitting, but something is still missing.

Whether I think I belong over the bed or over his lap, or I am mad at myself for whatever I did to end up there-- the only way to truly be "still" is to fully submit-- fully surrender.

It's at those times I am not filling my mind with self berating or anger at him for punishing me, but I am thinking He is in charge. He loves me. I will submit. He has my best interest at heart. Submitting to this brings us closer together. This is what is best for us. I submit. I submit. I surrender.

When my mind lets go and surrenders, I truly submit and am "still."

It's not a magic button. I can't do it every time. I can't get there whenever I want. But I am finding I am getting to that place more often. Getting there more quickly.

I always submit when SC decides to spank me. But submitting is so much more than physical position. It is surrender. And it is NOT easy. And I am still learning.

Hey! Guess what! Last month SC and I celebrated our 2 year ddversary! 2 years! Craziness! Oh, how far we have come! This journey of submission is long, and hard, and rewarding.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

The Professor's Girl by Renee Rose

OK, ya'all. My posts lately have been a little depressing, so I am jumping back in with a ohmygoodness this bookwasawesome book review!

This past weekend was the Summer Spanks Blog hop (super fun!) and I found myself reading all these fun snippets of awesome school girl stories. The icing on this schoolgirl fantasy weekend was reading Renee Rose's new book The Professor's Girl.

Ok, a note of self disclosure here. I am normally not into the whole school girl fantasy because, well, age play is ummm not my thing. But this? Oh, this was in a league all of its own. Professor and PhD student? Yes, please!

If you have read much of Renee Rose you know she never disappoints and The Professor's Girl is no exception!

The Professor's Girl is about sexy scientist Lucy who finds out that she and her professor/boss have more in common than their love of the science lab. As Lucy and Dr. Todd navigate their dance of dominance and submission, all the while trying to avoid scandal, they journey into a world where all their fantasies come true. This was one serious hot story!

But hey, don't just take my word for it, check it out yourself! ;)

The Professor's Girl

*disclaimer: A free copy of The Professor's Girl was provided for my honest review.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Community Ramblings: Questions and Concerns

Wow it has been a long time. I miss everyone. Really I do. I think back on the last two years and the amazing help I have found in this community and I am so thankful.

But it hasn't always been sunshine and roses.

And that's why I have been silent for a few months...

I didn't know what to say.

I didn't want to be part of or add to drama.

So I remained silent.

I haven't been around this community very long... only about two years. I often wonder what people are talking about when they say they "miss what blogland used to be." I don't think I ever experienced that. I think I entered the scene at a rough time for this community.

It was just over a year ago that an interview gone wrong seriously shook this community. People were hurt, blogs were made private, some people disappeared forever.

I don't blame them. Not at all. We have to protect ourselves and our families.

Many of us hid in the bushes for awhile and kept sticking our noses out to see if it was safe. Eventually things calmed down and we ventured out to play some.

But I don't think we ever recovered. Not fully.

I think most of us in this community came for the same reasons-- to meet like-minded people, to build relationships with others in the lifestyle, to not feel alone. 

But while I knew the dangers involved in internet relationships, and was careful, I regret certain things. I regret certain trusts that were broken. While this community has brought me great friendships, there have been some rocky moments over the last two years. Nothing as big as the happenings of this summer.

One of the first things I did after my H and I started dd was join a network. I needed to know I wasn't alone, that there were other normal people walking around in normal life that practiced this lifestyle. I got to know many people, and it was wonderful.

I'm not sure what went wrong...but things did go wrong.

After the drama of this summer when one of our own was outed as not being who she said she was-- I was hurt, shocked,  and flabbergasted. And then? Then I was downright angry. I was part of a network she worked for. She had access to my real name and information. I trusted this network and then to find out this?

She was the first one I trusted with my real phone number and real information, because? Well, she already had it...Real phone calls, real texts . . .

I went to log on to the network to see if there was any information...perhaps to just lick my wounds with others . . .only to find out I had been banned. Banned??? Surely it was a mistake? I emailed the owners. No mistake. "Several" people had allegedly "complained" about me.

Now, I know I never said anything on the network that was ban worthy, and I questioned the professionalism of someone that makes such a decision without even talking to the supposed offending I asked about it. What did I allegedly do? No response. My H, concerned as well, sent an email inquiring as to the nature of said allegations. Silence.

For a long time I was really hurt. Angered even over being treated like that. I withdrew- from blogging, from this community. I came here for support, and it seemed like I was getting quite the opposite.

I thought to just stay not ruffle feathers. To not start drama. But you know what? The other day my H asked why I had this blog? What is the purpose? For me. I blog for me. To write out what I am thinking, and feeling, and share it with people when I am not able to share this information in real life.

So, I am shaken up. Who do you trust? What do you believe? Who is talking to who about you?

I don't do drama, and I don't like strife, but I do think people deserve truth. True thoughts. True feelings. Truth. I may not share every detail of my life here, but what I do share is TRUE.

The Good. The Bad. And the Ugly.

I'm still nervous. How will people respond to this post even? Will I be seen as a trouble maker for posting this?

I have to not be concerned. I am too often a people pleaser. My heart is not to make trouble, but if I er, I will er on the side of truth every time.

I miss so many of you. Truly. I would love to catch up, whether in comments or emails...Hiding out in the cave is lonely...

Thursday, June 5, 2014


When we started dd, plenty of experienced dd couples talked about when dd would no longer consume our relationship-- when it would just become part of life. I wasn't sure that would ever happen. 6 months came and gone, a year, a year and a half . . . and then . . . Changes.

SC started back to school this past spring. Spring and summer bring about a lot of travel for work as well. It's the end of the school year, sports activities, family stuff... We have just been busy. Too busy.

When SC started back to school and life got crazy, for a few months things were pretty rough. We settled into what I not so affectionately called the Crime & Punishment cycle. SC would go to work, come home super late, eat dinner, read for classes, and then more often than not, spank me for whatever rules I had broken that day. That was happening a lot. Too much.

I began to resent the rules. I felt he didn't have "time" to be HoH, and although he was punishing me, the closeness wasn't there. Sometimes he barely had time to hold me for very long after because he either needed to get back to school work or get to sleep. Emotionally I was in a terrible place.

Punishments were making me angry, not breaking down walls and bringing us closer together like they are supposed to do.

We regrouped. SC eased up on some of the rules, not changed anything, just eased up the expectations a little. I am getting spanked a lot less. SC is really making an effort to do all he can to spend as much time with us as he can, coming home earlier, helping around the house as much as he can.

We have settled into a new routine. DD has become "just part of life."

Ya'all. I hate it.

Ok not hate it as in I hate dd, I mean I hate the fact that dd has just become another thing. An afterthought.

While we were on vacation and SC was in super H mode, I felt so loved and cared for. So cherished. Yes, I got swatted a bunch, even with the paddle some and while that is no fun, I loved the care I felt-- the closeness.

The thing about dd is it takes a lot of work. On both the part of the dd wife and especially on the HoH. So while my rules have relaxed a little, the reason for that was to lighten the expectations on SC as well, and of course to get out of that crazy crime and punishment cycle!

I miss it. Yes SC is still always in charge. He is always relatively consistent. But I crave that hyper H mode sometimes. And then I feel like that is entirely unfair. And selfish. And he's busy... and I need to not be so needy.

But neediness is part of the dd game-- dd makes us vulnerable and therefore makes us needy. I get that.

I know I need to talk about this with SC soon...maybe there is a compromise. I know that especially with the relaxed rules, I need maintenance. We have talked about it, but for some reason unbeknownst to me he hasn't implemented it. I don't really understand, but I am trying to be patience. Part of me thinks one night a week of submission exercises and maintenance might really help me feel that closeness and get me into a better frame of mind for the week.

I'm not always a fan of change...certainly not this one. But, I am trying to be patient. Trying to be understanding. Trying to be realistic. It's just hard...

Sorry that this post was a bit whiny. He is away right now and I miss him!

Anyone have a submission exercise that helps? Care to share?!? I would love to compile them if you don't mind and do a post on that...SC has asked for ideas in that department.

Monday, May 26, 2014

The Dynamics of a Vacation


Such a wonderful word.

About once a year SC and I try to take a short vacation just the two of us-- no kids-- and take some time to get away and just reconnect.

I look forward to this long weekend every year. The time alone with SC is so very important. I love ... adore my kids. But being a stay at home/homeschool mom can get tiring...especially in May when school is finishing up. I was ready for a vacation!

However, there was a small hangup with this trip. We were going with two other couples.

I was nervous.

Normally, time away with SC is time to let loose-- be ourselves. He is in super H mode, and I love settling into super submissive mode. All of my responsibilities are gone, and I get to just let him lead. I love it. But . . . going with other people kind of throws the whole dynamic.

Like I said. I was nervous.

I told SC about my concerns-- I wanted to be honest with him upfront so we could do what we needed to do to make the trip a good one.

I expressed that I was worried about him acting "H"y in front of others. That I was concerned about acting submissive in front of others.

The first day was a bit awkward. He was over the top H'y, and I knew he was doing it on purpose to establish the tone of the trip. It didn't take long until we were in our room and I was being spanked with his belt...not hard, but just as a "reminder" to be careful. More than the swats, what really got me in line was the verbal role affirmation he gave me.

He assured me that he was very much in hoh mode, and that vacation changed nothing. He told me that while he understood the difficulty of being around others he expected my respect at all times and for me not to fall into bad habits of the other wives with us. He assured me that while in front of others he did not expect it, he did expect yes sir/no sir in the room and when we were alone.

He was in "super" h mode. And he knew it was exactly what I needed. This lecture was his way of setting the tone. He was going to be extra strict while we were alone so that there would be no question who was in charge, and how I was to behave when were not alone.

The lecture helped. A lot. It definitely got me in the right head space, and I appreciated his clearly outlining his expectations.

I'm not gonna lie. I was what SC calls "feisty" a lot. Quite a lot actually. But mostly when we were alone. And I got swatted quite a bit for said feistiness. ;) I don't usually brat on purpose, and I didn't this time either, but I do think subconsciously I needed to know he was paying attention and was going to stay on top of things. And that he did.

I did complain about his public "hoh"iness a bit...he definitely had a few over the top moments! ;) Like when he confiscated my phone the first day at lunch! Or threatened with a "do you want to find out?" another...and quite a few other moments...the implements had very little use thankfully-- and mostly for reminders. But really, we had a fabulous vacation.

It could have been a tricky situation. It had plenty of room for problems. But communication is key. I communicated my concerns ahead of time. He responded, laid out the expectations and made it work. We still got plenty of time on our own to let loose and keep the roles firmly established. And I was able to sit back and remain submissive even around others-- discreetly.  Plenty of communication and clarifying expectations on both sides is key!

Have any tips for handling vacations as a dd couple? Particularly when around family and friends???

Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Liebster Award!

Thank you so much Meredith from New Twist After All These Years for nominating me with the Liebster Award!

The rules of the Liebster!

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.
2. Display the award on your blog either by widget, gadget or image.
3. Answer questions about yourself provided by your nominator.
4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
5. Nominate 5 to 11 blogs with less than 1,000 followers who deserve this award.
6. Create a new list of questions for the nominees to answer.
7. List these rules on your post then after you have published it you must ...
8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn all about it!

Meredith's 11 Questions:

1. Are you right or left handed?

Right. (This is like one of those ice breaker questions. An easy one to build your confidence for the harder ones! :) Thank you Meredith!)

2. Do you dream about being spanked?

Well, ummm...I have actually. I guess I think that is pretty weird and it hasn't happened often, but it has happened...does that mean something????!!!!

3. How many states have you visited?

Hmmmm I feel the need to consult a map....I think 26....I think...that seems sad. I guess I am more of an international traveler LOL

(For your own entertainment purposes I will share with you that this question got interrupted by SC calling me to the garage...there is only one reason he calls me to the garage ya'all. Yeah. ouch. Good thing these chairs are padded.

4. First thing in the morning, do you like coffee or tea?

Neither. Honestly, I don't think I am capable of liking anyone or anything in the morning...well ok when my kid comes in for "snuggles" that's pretty likable...

My drink of choice is Diet Coke followed by Crystal Lite Iced Tea...but usually I just drink water.

5. Have you ever tried to talk your way out of a spanking?

Wait. Some people don't??? I guess that's a yes. :)

6. What is your favorite book of all time?

Total fluff and sappiness with no literary value (and I do value good literature), but The Princess by Lori Wick.

7. Name a place you never want to return to.

Toys R Us in NYC the day before Christmas Eve. Yeah. No thanks. Never again.

8. Do you sleep in the nude?

For real I would LOVE to...but ya'all, I have 3 kids. And the little one occasionally finds her way into our bed in the middle of the night. And in the morning they ALL find their way into our room. That would scar them forever so I wear the minimal necessary to NOT cause PTSD. ;)

9. Are you a night owl or a morning lark?

Night for sure. Why do mornings even exist??? Morning people scare me. (including my HoH)

10. What is your best marriage advice?

Talk. Talk. and talk some more. And when you think you have said it all. Keep talking. Don't ever assume anything. Communication is so vital.

11. How does spanking work in your marriage?

We have punishments (yuck!), fun ones (yeah!), and maintenance/RA ones (meh) My H does all the spanking, though I try to throw a swat here or there... :) Spanking cleans the slate. He is no longer angry. I am no longer guilty. And the relationship is now restored. It doesn't make sense all the time. But it works. I guess we are pragmatists at heart.

11 Facts about Me:

1. I am a Diet Coke addict. For real. It's terrible for you I know. I love it anyway.

2. I spend WAY too much time online.

3. I act like I am pretty emotionally tough, but I am actually super sensitive.

4. I am a huge people pleaser ... to a fault. I don't always do what people want...but I feel bad about that. ;)

5. I love to be busy, and love to get out and do things...I can't stay in the house too many days in a row or I go crazy.

6. I love to swim, but only in the pool. The beach freaks me out-- sharks and all that.

7. Love Love Love to read. My HoH keeps a tight reign on my Amazon budget, much to my chagrin.

8. I love to travel, and have traveled internationally quite a bit. I love off the beaten path type places-- not the touristy spots.

9. I have always wanted to sky dive. After having 3 kids the thought it not as appealing (leaving orphans and all that), but sky diving and para-sailing still call to me....maybe one day...

10. I like cooking...but not cleaning so that makes cooking not as fun because the cleaning part always follows.

11. I am a closet country music fan...shhhhh! Don't tell!

ok, so I am a little late to the party so if you have already been nominated, sorry! I nominate:

Tricia @ Love of My Life, Head of the House

Callie @ About Us

Emi Jones @ Veiled Obsessions 

Catherine Shaw @ My Sir, My Forever Love

Kay @ Trying to Learn, Learning to Try

Tasha Madison @ Our New Beginning 

Tag. You're it!!!! :) 

1. What do you like to do in your free time/favorite hobby?

2. What was your favorite vacation ever?

3. What are your top 5 movies of all times?

4. Would you ever consider telling your kids/family about dd? Why or why not?

5. One thing your HoH does that makes you feel submissive.

6. Least Favorite spanking implement.

7. If you had to spend $5,000 today, what would you buy?

8. Favorite sex toy and why.

9. What is  your dream date night scenario?

10. If you could get rid of one rule what would it be?

11. What was your most memorable spanking?