Monday, August 26, 2013

Reflections: 1 Year DD Anniversary!

Wow. It has been a whole year since we embarked on this crazy amazing journey of domestic discipline.

I look back and am simply amazed at how much both SC and I have changed in that time. Our marriage is stronger. We are more in love with each other than ever before, and the structure and discipline brought into our relationship by domestic discipline is helping us both get closer to the people we desire to be.

A Few Reflections:

Greatest Reward: 

By far the greatest reward of domestic discipline is the closeness. The nature of dd brings complete honesty. There is nothing unsaid, no walls, no distance. My HoH feels a fierce desire to protect and care for me as I submit to him. The responsibility has stretched and grown him, and I appreciate so much the man he is. He caters to my needs to be touched and held, and indulges me even in my weird obsessions like his hand on my bottom while I fall asleep. (What is up with that anyway?!?! I rationalize it by telling him that my bottom needs extra TLC after all the damage he does to it!) ;) No matter the challenges and the countless spankings over the last year, I wouldn't trade our closeness for anything.

Greatest Challenge:

Authenticity. Sigh. I know not telling the world about our dd dynamic is not being dishonest and is not not being authentic...but sometimes it feels that way. I have always been a very open person. I share everything. There are a few people I often feel like I am lying to by not sharing this. The truth is I know I cannot. They would not understand, it would not be beneficial...but the secrecy has probably been my greatest challenge over the past year.

Greatest Frustration: 

Oh.My.Word. I have yet to make it 7 consecutive days without a punishment spanking. IN A YEAR!!!! Do you realize how many times that means I have been spanked in the last year!?!?!  Incredibly frustrating!!! I have often made it 5 and have even made it 6 days but never 7!

I have often contemplated why and I think there are a variety of reasons. One, I need it. Ugh. Did I just say that? Yeah, it's true. If I go to long I get stressed out. A few times I have jumped out of my comfort zone and admitted that to SC. He does maintenance and I am fine...but why is that sooooo hard?!?! Asking is near impossible most of the time-- it seems so counter rational!!!! I have often wondered if the intensity needed to increase but goodness, during a punishment sometimes it is near impossible to make it through...could I handle more?  Things to consider. I am determined to make it 7 days without a punishment and to make it happen soon!!!!

Top Ten Lessons learned in our First Year of Domestic Discipline

1. Spankings HURT!!! (yeah, yeah, I know they are supposed to...I have heard that a few times!)
2. Paddles of all shapes, sizes, and substances are evil
3. Submission is not a 4 letter word
4. Long term detrimental habits can be changed
5. DD has challenges, but this amazing relationship is worth it
6. DD has brought a closeness that we never knew possible
7. The DD community is amazingly supportive and has come to mean so much to us.
8. Being the HoH has brought SC's leading, protecting, and cherishing qualities to the surface
9. SC is a husband worth respecting
10. Being submissive to my HoH makes me feel loved, cherished, protected, and adored

The road has had a few bumps and turns, but we are one year in and going strong! I wonder what the next year will bring? (Hopefully less punishment spankings!)

I wanted to thank all of you! Readers, lurkers, and those who I have come to think of as friends. So many of you have become so special to me! Thank you for your friendship!

Special thanks to Christina from Red Booty Woman and Clint and Chelsea from Learning dd. The help you all have offered over the last year is incredible, and we are so thankful for your help in our making this first year of practicing domestic discipline a success!

Lastly, the hugest of thanks to my HoH. You are more amazing than I ever realized and I appreciate all that you do to make our marriage incredible. I am so blessed to be "Yours".

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Fight, Flight, or Freeze???

Humans tend to have a fight or flight reaction to conflict or danger. It is a defense mechanism, and most of us have experienced this at some point or another.

Since starting dd I find that I face this fight or flight reaction more than ever before.

While washing dishes...

Folding clothes...

Making dinner...

Getting out of the shower...

Getting in the shower....

Getting dressed...

Getting out of bed...

Lying in bed...

Picking something up off the floor....

Getting something out of the refrigerator...

You see anytime SC is behind me, and my bottom is accessible, he feels compelled to swat it. I can see that arm swing back and "fight or flight" involuntarily sets into motion! I jump out of the way, sidestep around him, dive for get the idea...

Well, this makes him mad. OK maybe not mad but definitely annoyed (in a playful yet serious like only he can pull off sort of way!) And without fail he makes me get back into position so he can swat me. This is NOT punishment, not swats I have earned...just (to steal Stormy's term) "helifino" swats...just cause I can swats. And if I move out of position, because who wouldn't naturally flee impending doom on one's derriere?!?! He swats extras! Seriously?!?! When I ask why he says because I moved out of position.

ummm hello?!?! I am supposed to hold position eternally for whenever the urge to spank my bottom hits you?!?! Ummm no....because well, the body's natural defense mechanism is fight or flight!

When SC comes swatting, my body going flighting! On the super crazy occasion my body goes fighting ... that's even worse! He will come up behind me and playfully swat my bottom (why does something playful have to hurt?!?!) and I will swing around and smack his shoulder or whatever I can reach.

Oh yeah you read that right. Occasionally I have swatted back."Fight"-- the body's natural defense mechanism! I can't help it!!! Immediately upon fight or flight I realize what I have done and my mouth drops open (especially if it was fight!) And at this point in the game I am well aware of what will happen next..

You see I tried to explain that fight or flight WAS a natural reaction and what did he want me to do???

His response?


I began to giggle. Flight, Fight, or....Freeze!?! 

So now...fight or flight still plagues me here or there...I mean come on...but after the jump out of position at the kitchen sink or the accidental slap to the shoulder after he has swatted me...right back bent over wherever I was to receive the play swat he intended...along with a few extra....all because my darn body chose flight or fight over Freeze!

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Implements and the Ultimate Deterrent

So, SC is away for work again...that makes 2 of the last 3 weeks away. I am doing ok, but I miss him in a seriously heartbreaking way.

Last week upon his return...well, as you know things weren't the welcome party I would have liked. I had a terrible week while he was gone and got in MAJOR trouble when he got home. Disaster.

The spanking was awful. It took two days of spankings to cover it. Most of you read how it went here. Yeah, it was rough.

He managed to use the majority of his arsenal in one spanking.

His huge powerful hand...

The spanking buddy for if his hand tires during warm up (poor thing huh?!?!)....

The wooden paddles...yes plural. Ouch.

The wooden spoon (it pretends to be a wooden spoon, it is actually ginormous and a paddle in disguise!)
Not ours, but it reminds me of it!

The Hairbrush paddle...
Ours is thicker...but this is the closest I could find...

The leather paddle...

The Cane

The Terror (Yup, it lives up to its name)


The Strap (pure evil!)

But not just the spanking was tough. Yeah, 8 implements in one punishment (I didn't count the spanking buddy since that was for warm up) was....ummm unpleasant.

But more than that, the disappointment in his eyes--- it broke my heart. It was so much worse than any spanking could be. (And this spanking was HARD!)

 I hurt him. I disappointed him.

Maybe it is a man thing, maybe an HoH thing, maybe just a MY HoH thing...but he is BIG on respect. Like major R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Almost any infraction can be seen as disrespect. My disobedience is disrespect because I did not care enough about HIM to obey. Procrastination is disrespect because I do not take into account how it affects him and our family. See? respect is everywhere.

And while he was gone, and I trampled all over his expectations....I did NOT show him respect.

The thing is, I respect him more than anyone in this world. He is wise, intelligent, loving, caring, faithful, good, gentle (well, not when he is spanking!), attentive, the best father, husband, and HoH ever.

Sometimes the desire to show him how much I love and respect him leaves me dejected with feelings of failure. I want so much to please him...and sometimes, well, almost every time I end up over the bed or over his lap...I feel like a failure. Like I have disappointed him.

He assures me I am not a failure. He always assures me of how far I have come and that I am a wonderful wife and mother. But, I struggle. I hate disappointing him. But I know just because he is disappointed in my choices or actions, he is not disappointed in ME. He always tells me how proud of me he is after disciplining me. How proud of me he is that I am willing to be held accountable, to submit to his authority and punishment to make our marriage and family better.

Yes, his disappointment is the ultimate deterrent.

This week he has been gone again. And I am 5 days in and yet still nothing on my list! (and not because I chose not to write it down this time!) :) In the almost year we have been practicing dd I don't think I have ever gone 5 days without earning a punishment!

Sure those two spankings were definitely enough for me to not want that to happen again...but more than that...I want to please him. To make my actions show him that I love and respect him. make it at least 2 more days!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

The Reckoning

She entered the bedroom and immediately her heart dropped into her stomach. Eight. There were eight implements lined up. A notepad and pen sat on the bed. Her breathe hitched. 

Come here

She consciously told herself to breathe. Her brain told her body to walk but no step would come. 

Come here. Now

She took a deep breath and tentatively stepped forward. He patted the bed beside him and she sat down. Her eyes lowered, she couldn't bear to look at him. She was so disappointed in herself. She couldn't look at the disappointment she knew would be evident in his eyes.

Why are we here?

She closed her eyes for a second...trying to close out the pain in her heart. She had caused this...but where to begin?

Too many things to count...she whispered.

Well, let's try. He said as he picked up the pen and paper. 

Her eyes closed again. Oh No. How could she be held accountable for wasn't possible.

One by one they began to list the infractions of the last week. 

Failure to track punishable offenses when directly told to do so-- disobedience and disrespect
Not eating breakfast on time one morning-- disobedience
Yelling at the kids (4 days) -- disrespect to others
Failing to remember an important task-- disrespect
Arguing about completing another task -- disrespect
general attitude of disrespect-- thinking that it was not possible to punish for all offenses so what was the point....--disresepect
direct disobedience when given a time to be in bed one night-- disobedience
Responding in anger and sleeping in another bed-- disrespect, distancing
Backtalk-- disrespect 
Texting while driving-- danger

The list continued...

The lecture was long. The disappointment heavy.

Over the bed.

Those dreaded three words.

Each rule that was broken was read. 

You chose not to write things down when I asked you to because you thought I wouldn't punish you for everything. You were wrong. I will. I will hold you accountable. I love you

And it began. 

Each infraction was read....each punishment administered. 

I forgive you for disobeying me and not writing things down.

And so it went...down the list. 

The next hour and a half were not easy. It was the most difficult punishment she had ever received. Yes, it's true it needed to be. She needed to know that he was serious...that he would indeed punish every rule break even if he was not  home. Even if the list was long. 

If only that hour and a half were all...but no. They only made it through part of the list. 

As sobs wracked her body and the burn in her bottom was more than she had ever felt before she fought to breathe.  

Her HoH took her in his arms and whispered, I love you. I am so proud of  you. 

Her HoH was gracious and gave into her pleas of a one night break before part two. 

But part two came all too quickly ... just 48 hours later. 

This time she began to whimper as soon as he asked her to lay over the bed. One glance at that yellow notepad made her almost sob immediately. Only halfway done?!? It wasn't possible. 

And it began. 

Read the rule that was broken. Punish. Offer forgiveness. Down the list he went. 

Each implement seemed the worst until the next. 

As she screamed into the comforter as the strap whipped away at her burning bum, surely that is the worst implement!

But then, that horrible awful huge wooden paddle. There is nothing like the pain of that pounding into your flesh. It MUST be the worst. 

Even the lesser implements become evil as time goes by...there is no spot untouched. No spot of skin that doesn't burn. She wondered how she would ever sit again. She pleaded and begged for it to end. 

It seemed so much. Too much. And yet, in her heart of hearts she knew any less would not have been enough. She had never disrespected him like she had that week. And she never would again. This strong man loved her...loved her enough to not allow her to damage their mess with the wonderful roles they had worked hard to establish. 

Finally the spanking stopped. He lifted her off the bed and she stiffly walked into his open arms and continued to sob. He kissed her head and whispered his love and forgiveness.

I love you so very much. I am so proud of  you. I forgive you. It's all done. It's over.

As she laid on her tummy on the bed she heard the rustling of paper. Then tearing. As he ripped up the list he leaned down into her ear and whispered, it's done. It's all done. You are completely forgiven. 
Tears filled her eyes as she rested her head on the pillow and he laid down next to her.  Her weary body relaxed and nestled against the warm body of the man who adored her-- enough to not let go.