Last week upon his return...well, as you know things weren't the welcome party I would have liked. I had a terrible week while he was gone and got in MAJOR trouble when he got home. Disaster.
The spanking was awful. It took two days of spankings to cover it. Most of you read how it went here. Yeah, it was rough.
He managed to use the majority of his arsenal in one spanking.
His huge powerful hand...
The spanking buddy for if his hand tires during warm up (poor thing huh?!?!)....
The wooden paddles...yes plural. Ouch.
The wooden spoon (it pretends to be a wooden spoon, it is actually ginormous and a paddle in disguise!)
Not ours, but it reminds me of it!
The Hairbrush paddle...
Ours is thicker...but this is the closest I could find...
The leather paddle...
The Terror (Yup, it lives up to its name)
The Strap (pure evil!)
But not just the spanking was tough. Yeah, 8 implements in one punishment (I didn't count the spanking buddy since that was for warm up) was....ummm unpleasant.
But more than that, the disappointment in his eyes--- it broke my heart. It was so much worse than any spanking could be. (And this spanking was HARD!)
I hurt him. I disappointed him.
Maybe it is a man thing, maybe an HoH thing, maybe just a MY HoH thing...but he is BIG on respect. Like major R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Almost any infraction can be seen as disrespect. My disobedience is disrespect because I did not care enough about HIM to obey. Procrastination is disrespect because I do not take into account how it affects him and our family. See? respect is everywhere.
And while he was gone, and I trampled all over his expectations....I did NOT show him respect.
The thing is, I respect him more than anyone in this world. He is wise, intelligent, loving, caring, faithful, good, gentle (well, not when he is spanking!), attentive, the best father, husband, and HoH ever.
Sometimes the desire to show him how much I love and respect him leaves me dejected with feelings of failure. I want so much to please him...and sometimes, well, almost every time I end up over the bed or over his lap...I feel like a failure. Like I have disappointed him.
He assures me I am not a failure. He always assures me of how far I have come and that I am a wonderful wife and mother. But, I struggle. I hate disappointing him. But I know just because he is disappointed in my choices or actions, he is not disappointed in ME. He always tells me how proud of me he is after disciplining me. How proud of me he is that I am willing to be held accountable, to submit to his authority and punishment to make our marriage and family better.
Yes, his disappointment is the ultimate deterrent.
This week he has been gone again. And I am 5 days in and yet still nothing on my list! (and not because I chose not to write it down this time!) :) In the almost year we have been practicing dd I don't think I have ever gone 5 days without earning a punishment!
Sure those two spankings were definitely enough for me to not want that to happen again...but more than that...I want to please him. To make my actions show him that I love and respect him.
Now...to make it at least 2 more days!