We have never done regular maintenance...SC calls maintenance when he can see me slipping in some area, or he can see me not "feeling" submissive.
Last night I was punished. It was not fun...I mean I guess punishment never is...but this was REALLY not fun. I received a punishment spanking for one thing and then additional spanks for another infraction. It was one of those weird times my emotions just take on a mind of their own. I got angry.
I really can't tell you why. It HURT. And while SC assured me it was supposed to hurt...that is after all the point. I was still in a weird head place. I can't explain it, but I started acting out because I was sore...even the blanket touching my bottom hurt and was setting me off...I was exhausted, it had been a really long and tiring weekend. I was just overdone. SC could sense me acting "off" and "pulling away." That ended me OTB for 5 more. At that point my anger went to whimpers. Insert odd conversation here:
SC: Does Clint say anything about whimpering?
My head shot up in surprise! huh? I don't think so, Why?
SC: Because I don't like it.
I was SOOOO tired. Not sure if I thought those whimpers would get me sympathy...it apparently didn't work if that's what I was going for!
SC refused to let me pull away and held me close. (I have a love hate relationship with this!) And then.... he decided that I had not been feeling or acting very submissive lately...that I wasn't expressing a desire to please him like I have in the past. He feels I have put up some walls and we are missing some of the closer intimacy we had experienced in our earlier days with dd.
To get back to this place, SC has declared daily maintenance until we get back. I asked how long he would do it. . . His answer? As long as it takes. <sigh>
He's right. Some walls have unintentionally been built. Not huge ones, but little inconsistencies here or there have laid a brick or two...life gets in the way and communication falters...another brick. The brick building around my heart is not intentional, and it is not desired. I know he is right...but as I sit uncomfortably from last night and await not only maintenance but a punishment from my attitude about everything this morning...I can't help but be a little nervous for my bum...
I miss that close connection. I need it. I crave it. SC is probably right...this may be what I need, but it is one of those times I may need it, but I don't want it. One of those times I am grateful to have an HoH that puts my needs and our needs over my wants...
Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been. We are closer than we have ever been. He is more in tune with my needs, and I to his. He is thriving in his role of HoH, and I as a TiH.
So, le sigh, if daily maintenance for awhile is what takes to make our already amazing marriage more incredible...I submit...even if it is with a little trepidation...