Saturday, April 13, 2013

"Calm Down:" Them's Fightin' Words!

This week, I heard a lady on the radio talking about the two worst words to utter in an argument with a woman. "Calm down." She said it was the surest way to make a woman angry.

Back in our pre-dd days, those two words uttered at ANY time were enough to make me explode. I HATE being told to calm down. It's like the other person is telling you that they are more in control than you, that they are more mature, or more rational. Perhaps all of those things are true. :P but I still don't want to hear it! ;) Especially Even from my husband. I hear the words in my head (in my best ghetto accent) Them's fightin' words!" 

I was telling SC about this radio show and I felt a little justified in my hatred for that phrase. See it's not just me ya know? Telling a woman to calm down is counter productive. SC was not exactly amused. Yeah, pretty sure I can tell you to calm down. And you will. Because I am the HoH

Hmmph. Roles quickly reaffirmed! Lol so much for my justification!



The truth is in the last 9 months, my loving and very much in charge HoH tells me in many ways (often) to "settle down," "calm down," "watch the attitude," etc. Maybe verbally or non verbally, but I certainly know what that raised eyebrow means... And USUALLY I get a clue pretty fast to respond and CALM DOWN.

One of the greatest benefits of dd in our marriage is how it takes the games out of it. When someone tells someone to calm down....usually they really need to. They may not want to hear it and the one saying it might not be completely innocent but hey... Truth is truth. But I know I was the master game player in arguments. I would make an argument about everything BUT the issue at hand. I didn't do it intentionally, I am just emotional! Telling me to calm down in an argument would be an argument all to itself!

"Calm down" seems rather tame as compared to "get in the corner" or "over the bed" so why does it occasionally still drive me crazy? I mean I GAVE him that right when we entered a dd relationship. I gave him the authority to be HoH. I have gotten better....most of the time I respond well to the warning, but then there are times when I am SUPER angry or aggravated about something (like this morning) and being told to "settle down" just makes me want to scream! I mean, I should be upset. I should be angry. Ok ok, we were at a sports activity for our son and perhaps I was making a bigger deal of it than I should .... And no, there was nothing that could be done about it then....BUT....BUT....talking about it makes me feel better! Ok ok, it was not helpful, and I should have calmed down...unfortunately I didn't heed the first warning and I feel pretty badly about how I handled it...

On a positive note, while it did frustrate me in that moment for him to call me out when I was upset about something, none of the old feelings of "how dare he" came anywhere near the surface. Gone are those days! Oh how far I have come, huh?!? The paradigm has shifted. Today I was frustrated because I wanted to vent, not because he shouldn't have told me to "calm down" as I used to think. He has every right...he's the HoH. And not only that, I am now forced to actually change MY behavior when called out instead of finding the fault in HIS behavior that contributed or played a part. Oh the joys of TTWD!

14 comments:

  1. I love this post! It is SO true for me too! Being told to "calm down" is like throwing fuel on my fire. I'm getting a little better since, as you said "I gave him the authority to be HoH" but it's still a hard uphill battle to react positively when emotions are in full force. :)

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    1. it is a challenge isn't it?!? Amazing how three little words can do such craziness to our emotions! lol Better is good right? It's improvement so we should take it! ;)

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  2. I understand exactly what you mean--in general, if someone tells me to "calm down" when I'm upset all it will do is make me more upset. But I know when my husband says it in *that* tone, he's calling me out because I'm being irrational, and he's not afraid to use his HoHiness to get the point across. It's on a different level.

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    1. Irrational. I hate being told I am being irrational. because OF COURSE I am being irrational, and the rational thing to do would be to heed that warning, but then again I am being IRRATIONAL so . . . ;) sigh. Glad I have a hubby that doesn't hesitate to reel in that irrationalness. lol

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  3. Wow I can definitely relate to that. I hate being told to calm down before and those words would send an argument to another level lol. Now though it is different. Half the time I just end up in the corner but I am starting to make progress at calming down when he says something.

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    1. Glad to know you are improving with this as well. It really is just part of the lifestyle, but it is still challenging! ;)

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  4. I can remember freaking out when he told me that. Things are so different now. Glad it's good for you too.
    Bea

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    1. and sometimes change is good! :)

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  5. Loved this post. It's all about us changing our behaviour and looking at things in a different light. I don't like being told to calm down either, but like you, it's not whats he's telling me, it's how I'm feeling.

    Callie

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    1. Thanks Callie...the emotions of it are crazy huh? I thought my h was going to let this go yesterday but not so much. Big lecture last night about heeding his warning to calm down. :( big spanking followed big lecture. Hopefully I have learned this lesson well!

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  6. Wonderful post, Cole. How true, how true. I have always HATED bring told to calm down and now I think, "if I don't I might not enjoy the end result." And low and behold?!!!! I get myself adjusted and in a better frame of mind. Lol funny how things work like that when you start dd. Thanks for the reminder! (I think!) Lol

    M.

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    1. Thanks! Amazing what we can accomplish when we take the focus off of the other person and place it on our own behavior, eh? The knowledge of what could come certainly helps! Lol wish I would have thought of that yesterday!

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  7. I was just telling Hubby last night that he needed to call me out on my behavior if it is disrespectful. I don't always know when I'm doing it.
    As far as calm down? Well, if Hubby said it I would have to do as he said. If a stranger said it, I would tell them where to stick it. But that's just me. lol... ((hugs))

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  8. HAHA I love this post too, and I soo agree w/Kim! It is definitely like throwing fuel on the fire! LOL

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