Wait...maintenance EVERY day?!?!?

We have never done regular maintenance...SC calls maintenance when he can see me slipping in some area, or he can see me not "feeling" submissive.

Last night I was punished. It was not fun...I mean I guess punishment never is...but this was REALLY not fun. I received a punishment spanking for one thing and then additional spanks for another infraction. It was one of those weird times my emotions just take on a mind of their own. I got angry.

I really can't tell you why. It HURT. And while SC assured me it was supposed to hurt...that is after all the point. I was still in a weird head place. I can't explain it, but I started acting out because I was sore...even the blanket touching my bottom hurt and was setting me off...I was exhausted, it had been a really long and tiring weekend. I was just overdone. SC could sense me acting "off" and "pulling away." That ended me OTB for 5 more. At that point my anger went to whimpers. Insert odd conversation here:

SC: Does Clint say anything about whimpering?
My head shot up in surprise! huh? I don't think so, Why?
SC: Because I don't like it. 

I was SOOOO tired. Not sure if I thought those whimpers would get me sympathy...it apparently didn't work if that's what I was going for!

SC refused to let me pull away and held me close. (I have a love hate relationship with this!) And then.... he decided that I had not been feeling or acting very submissive lately...that I wasn't expressing a desire to please him like I have in the past. He feels I have put up some walls and we are missing some of the closer intimacy we had experienced in our earlier days with dd.

To get back to this place, SC has declared daily maintenance until we get back. I asked how long he would do it. . . His answer? As long as it takes. <sigh>

He's right. Some walls have unintentionally been built. Not huge ones, but little inconsistencies here or there have laid a brick or two...life gets in the way and communication falters...another brick. The brick building around my heart is not intentional, and it is not desired. I know he is right...but as I sit uncomfortably from last night and await not only maintenance but a punishment from my attitude about everything this morning...I can't help but be a little nervous for my bum...

I miss that close connection. I need it. I crave it. SC is probably right...this may be what I need, but it is one of those times I may need it, but I don't want it. One of those times I am grateful to have an HoH that puts my needs and our needs over my wants...

Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been. We are closer than we have ever been. He is more in tune with my needs, and I to his. He is thriving in his role of HoH, and I as a TiH.

So, le sigh, if daily maintenance for awhile is what takes to make our already amazing marriage more incredible...I submit...even if it is with a little trepidation...

A "Meet My HoH" Meme

I have never participated in a meme before, but this has been floating around blogland and I thought it would be fun. . . a little glimpse into who is my HoH!

So . . . meet SC (ie. Spank Charming!)

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?  Probably Duck Dynasty...but it could be any one of those crazy shows...swamp people, swamp loggers, or those crazy storage war shows...

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?  ranch, or anything vinaigrette if he is going light 

3. The most striking thing about his physical appearance? His huge eyes and eyelashes...it's what strikes me anyway!   

4. You go out to eat and have a drink; what does he order?  water. healthy and cheap! 

5. Where did he go to high school?  in a small country town . . . 

6. What size shoe does he wear? 12 

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be? He has hoarding genes but mostly overcomes...he collects tools and fishing stuff. At least he has narrowed it down! 

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?  it varies...I am fairly certain he likes most everything! Currently buffalo chicken tender subs is his fave. 

9. What would he eat every day if he could?  steak and shrimp...cheap taste ;) 

10. What is his favorite cereal?  Quaker Oatmeal Squares

11. What would he never wear?  a Speedo for sure!!!...or anything pink...

12. What is his favorite sports team?  Saints....easiest question yet! ;) 

13.Who did he vote for?  same as me :) 

14. Who is his best friend?   I would hope I ranked up there...but he does have a best guy friend....they can fish for hours...I would get bored. Only sad thing for him is he lives so far away...

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?  Where do I begin?!? procrastinate....spend so much time online . . .  yell

16. What is his heritage?  He's a mutt...but a cute one...

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind?  He used to always ask for Red Velvet but the last few years he has been mixing it up...

18. Did he play sports in high school?  He was a band geek...apparently band was cool there and then ;) 

19. What could he spend hours doing?  fishing, tying flies, kayaking, playing with his tools...he likes a lot of things.

20. What is one unique talent he has?  This is actually hard to answer...he has a lot. Listening to me being a major one! He "handles," leads, and loves me better than I ever would have thought possible. Many come to him for advice...he is an amazing guy! 

Well, this was fun! Around blogland I feel like we get to know each other but not our awesome husbands. Thought this would be a fun way to help fix that! 

Rising Above Disappointment

So, this morning I broke my No Yelling streak. :( I made it 10 days, and I am super excited about that...but I am super disappointed about breaking it. Not only about yelling at my child, but because I really didn't think I yelled at all...SC says that's my opinion. I guess this is one of those times my opinion doesn't hold as much weight as I would like... I agreed I was not very respectful to my daughter and perhaps could have handled it differently, but I was not convinced I "blew it." Sigh. To say I am bummed is an understatement.

I was doing so well...so I am frustrated to have to start over. I was a little angry because I am not convinced SC was right...my bum is bummed because it was spanked over it.  I don't get full punishments for yelling at the kids, just a few swats. This morning I think SC knew how super disappointed about it I was and went really easy on me. I can't remember the last time he spanked me with just his hand. In all fairness to myself I thought I handled my disagreeing with him over it really respectfully and accepted the punishment gracefully even though I disagreed...that's a silver lining I guess...

So this is the part where the rubber meets the road...where the all or nothing part of me gets challenged. Since I failed (though I really didn't, since I completed more than my original goal of 7 days!) will I be able to pick myself up and continue to see how long I can go next time?

I need to move on and step up. This is important. I know that..I want it...I just need to get over my disappointment and rise above! It's just h.a.r.d.

I am sunburned and tired...have a crazy weekend facing me and a possible breach of procrastination to deal with...ugh...perhaps overcoming is overrated...

Perhaps I will take up pessimism... ;)

The Quandary of "Sir"

Do I need to get the paddle?
NO!!!
Excuse me?
No thank you?
Ex-cuse me?
Pause.
What?!?
Are you really going to tell me you don't know know what I am looking for?
Silence
Seriously? What am I looking for?
Silence
Why would you do that? Are you bratting me? You are. I think we need a reminder of roles. Over the bed.

Who is the HoH?
You are
And who is in charge?
You are
My role is to lead and yours is to?
Submit

Ugh! 10 swats with the paddle later he pulls me to him.
What's wrong?
He has this weird sixth sense at these moments....
Smarting off here would not be wise...nor would be sassing or arguing...I take a moment to collect my thoughts.

I'm just processing.
Ok.

He doesn't let me go which means he will wait for me to process in his arms where I can't physically distance. Smart man. But oh so frustrating!

It's just...you don't always require "sir" and when you do, it's usually only during a punishment.

That's true, but I do like it, and appreciate it. and you knew what I was looking for, right? And yet you chose to act like you didn't, right?

I guess...

Silent pause

The problem here is not that you didn't say sir in the first place, it is when I continued to push you for it, you knew what I was looking for and chose to withhold it. Which to me, represents a lack of submission. Right?

Nod

Are you ok now?

Yes sir

The issue of "sir" is a challenging one for me. For a long time my HoH did not require it at all. We discussed it a few times and I used it occasionally because it was a natural response at times. Then we got to a point where I realized it really caused me to feel submissive. SC decided he liked it and it served a purpose in punishment.

In the above dialogue, I totally knew what he was looking for, but I was simply bucking up against him. Why? I think because this is a difficult topic for me. A quandary. Sir offers respect, which I want to give my HoH. My HoH appreciates the gesture, even requiring it at times, I know it causes me to feel submissive, which is a good thing...so why does it cause a problem?

It is that deep down stirring that keeps me wondering...but, but, he is my husband! But really, how is saying sir any different than being sent to the corner, or being spanked?!? Why do I question this? I trust him, and I trust his leading...

I know this is a super personal thing and will be different for everyone. The thing is my HoH does have authority and does require respect, and sir is one way to offer that. I should probably offer it more freely....but if submission came naturally... I probably wouldn't be blogging about this to begin with! :)


On a more fun and positive note, I made my 7 day No Yelling Challenge!!! WooHoo! I am so excited!!! While I didn't make it 7 days without getting spanked, I will be excited about this achievement anyway! I really never thought I could do it, so I am encouraged and ready to take on another week!

All or Nothing

I am and always have been an "all or nothing" kind of person. I like to say I am not a procrastinator, I simply like to wait until I have a large chunk of time to get it all done at once! ;)

I am a perfectionist. I like to get it all right. The kind of person that scowled at a 97% because..ugh I could have should have gotten 100%. And of course a 100% was only good if extra credit wasn't available. Are you following me here?

I have issues. I know.

Some of this has been worked out on the road of life. Perfection is not possible. I have to settle for excellent. ;)

But then...there are those areas I don't come close to perfect...or excellent. The areas of life I pretty much gave up on.

DD has brought new perspective to those areas of my life. Some of them at this point, I am no longer able to hide from. I have to face them, confront them, and I am forced to engage....even if the score at the end is an F.

This is challenging.

This week I have been on a 7 day No Yelling challenge. So far, I have barely completed six days. (Today had a close call!) This was one of those areas I was "nothing" in previously. I had failed the "all" so I had given up and resigned myself to be a yeller. Well, dd changed that. I have been spanked...a lot, for yelling at my kids. While I was improving, I had begun to think I still may never succeed. This week I faced it head on and have made it 6 days! One more to go to complete my challenge! It may not be "all" but it sure is heck better than "nothing!"

Weight loss is another all or nothing in my life. I have a considerable amount to lose and I have done more diets than I can count. I am either all in or all out. This is one of those areas we decided to let dd help. Not focusing on weight loss, but focusing on improving healthy habits. I have increased my water intake and am going to the gym three times a week. They are rules, and I am obeying them. Again, no where near all, but way better than nothing!

Last night I was spanked. Not for yelling at the kids, but for a few disrespectful comments to SC. I was frustrated. Why? because I am all or nothing! I am on a 7 day no yelling challenge, and in my mind I wanted to be spank free during that time. I made it 6 days...sigh. SC assured me it had nothing to do with my challenge, but I still felt disappointment. And really 6 days without being spanked is pretty good in my world!

The road to improvement has no room for all or nothing. I am a work in progress...Learning that sometimes...I have to live in the or of all or nothing.

Warnings: Danger Will Robinson!

Warnings. They may seem like a simple thing, but for me, they have been VERY complicated! Since starting dd, I have really struggled with warnings. It is as if I viewed SC giving a warning as inconsistency. I couldn't handle warnings....they emotionally messed with me. Weird. I know.

Today, I realized something. I have reached a new place where I can accept warnings. I feel so silly celebrating this! ;)

I had one of those moments tonight...you know when your mouth has disconnected from your brain like a runaway caboose...

Yeah, anything that starts out "Oh.My.Word. Just ..." is NEVER a good idea. As soon the words were out of my mouth, my mouth dropped open in shock. Did I really just say that?!?! The apology was out of my mouth about as fast as SC's eyebrow ascended into his hairline. We were at a restaurant with the kids so that was the end of it then.

Tonight when we got home from church, I was hugging SC in the kitchen and apologized again for being disrespectful. He said it was ok, and that he appreciated how well I received the correction and apologized.

It was in that moment that I realized I was relieved. I wasn't in trouble. SC had given me a warning, I apologized, and all was right in the world. He wasn't inconsistent, I was able to accept his forgiveness and move on, and I didn't have to be spanked for it. Yeah for major progress!



Oh, and an update to my 7 Day Spring Challenge. I am 3 days in No Yelling!!!! Woohoo! I am so shocked that I have made it this far and so excited to finish the week strong!

7 Day Spring Challenge!

Lots of buzz in blogland about spring challenges. I decided to take a 7 day spring challenge myself.

You know that one behavior that you get spanked the most for? I am tackling it head on this week!

One behavior I struggle with SO badly is yelling at my kids. I totally know the response I SHOULD have, I just don't do it.  A lifetime long bad habit is hard to break. I adore my kids and this behavior is I KNOW totally unacceptable.

The thing is, I have gotten better, like CONSIDERABLY better. But, it is still an issue, and I still get spanked for it at least a few times a week...

I don't get a full punishment for it, my HoH tried to up it to a full punishment once and I completely emotionally lost it. It was as though I felt resentful of my kids for me getting spanked over yelling at them. T Silly I know, but it is where I was emotionally, and the feelings of it freaked me out. Thanfully my HoH was gracious enough to back off that a little for the time being.

A few days ago, SC asked me to write out how I could have better handled a situation where I had yelled. I know what I should have done, and I know what I need to do, and I am taking the 7 day challenge of NO YELLING. Wait, I mean no yelling. LOL

SC graciously offered to increase the consequences to help with this challenge, I vehemently graciously declined his help. ;)

In all fairness, I probably do need his help...I have considered asking for daily reminders, but asking for that seems CRAZY, ya know?

So, what do you think? What might help me get through this challenge? All ideas welcome!

Oh, and do you have a behavior you want to join in and take the 7 day challenge? Can you make it 7 days without being spanked for that behavior? (Notice I didn't say spanked at all...I am a realist!) ;)

"Calm Down:" Them's Fightin' Words!

This week, I heard a lady on the radio talking about the two worst words to utter in an argument with a woman. "Calm down." She said it was the surest way to make a woman angry.

Back in our pre-dd days, those two words uttered at ANY time were enough to make me explode. I HATE being told to calm down. It's like the other person is telling you that they are more in control than you, that they are more mature, or more rational. Perhaps all of those things are true. :P but I still don't want to hear it! ;) Especially Even from my husband. I hear the words in my head (in my best ghetto accent) Them's fightin' words!" 

I was telling SC about this radio show and I felt a little justified in my hatred for that phrase. See it's not just me ya know? Telling a woman to calm down is counter productive. SC was not exactly amused. Yeah, pretty sure I can tell you to calm down. And you will. Because I am the HoH

Hmmph. Roles quickly reaffirmed! Lol so much for my justification!

The truth is in the last 9 months, my loving and very much in charge HoH tells me in many ways (often) to "settle down," "calm down," "watch the attitude," etc. Maybe verbally or non verbally, but I certainly know what that raised eyebrow means... And USUALLY I get a clue pretty fast to respond and CALM DOWN.

One of the greatest benefits of dd in our marriage is how it takes the games out of it. When someone tells someone to calm down....usually they really need to. They may not want to hear it and the one saying it might not be completely innocent but hey... Truth is truth. But I know I was the master game player in arguments. I would make an argument about everything BUT the issue at hand. I didn't do it intentionally, I am just emotional! Telling me to calm down in an argument would be an argument all to itself!

"Calm down" seems rather tame as compared to "get in the corner" or "over the bed" so why does it occasionally still drive me crazy? I mean I GAVE him that right when we entered a dd relationship. I gave him the authority to be HoH. I have gotten better....most of the time I respond well to the warning, but then there are times when I am SUPER angry or aggravated about something (like this morning) and being told to "settle down" just makes me want to scream! I mean, I should be upset. I should be angry. Ok ok, we were at a sports activity for our son and perhaps I was making a bigger deal of it than I should .... And no, there was nothing that could be done about it then....BUT....BUT....talking about it makes me feel better! Ok ok, it was not helpful, and I should have calmed down...unfortunately I didn't heed the first warning and I feel pretty badly about how I handled it...

On a positive note, while it did frustrate me in that moment for him to call me out when I was upset about something, none of the old feelings of "how dare he" came anywhere near the surface. Gone are those days! Oh how far I have come, huh?!? The paradigm has shifted. Today I was frustrated because I wanted to vent, not because he shouldn't have told me to "calm down" as I used to think. He has every right...he's the HoH. And not only that, I am now forced to actually change MY behavior when called out instead of finding the fault in HIS behavior that contributed or played a part. Oh the joys of TTWD!

Lessons Learned on Vacation

We are back from a four night cruise, and we had such an amazing relaxing time! I had been counting down the days forever it seems and I was not disappointed. It seems however, that as great and relaxing it was, it was quite the learning experience. A few things I learned on vacation...

1. When the HoH goes on vacation mode, he goes on "VACATION Mode."
2. Vacation mode translates to me as ignoring behaviors and equals frustration
3. Vacation mode for my HoH only lasted several hours before he snapped back into reality when his wife was about to go off the edge
4. When the HoH comes back to reality, he brings a hairbrush
5. Reminders usually keep me from punishment and THAT is a GOOD thing.
6. Reminder spankings HURT.
7. My HoH is a Spanko. No question. I got reminders, playful spankings, swats....(thankfully no punishments!) did I mention swats? ALOT of them
8. When children are not around there are a plethora of opportunities for swats to be administered. (thankfully we weren't in our room more!) ;)
9. My HoH thinks bossiness, sarcasm, bluntness, and cheekiness are all cause for swats. I seriously think some were serious stretches to the disrespect line (see line 7-- my HoH is a spanko)
9. Vacations bring out my sassy playful side. My HoH is getting really good at keeping my playful side in line--still leaving room for me to be playful, but not letting me get so far as to enter into bratting (this is a super fine line we have been working hard on!)
10. Vacations are wonderful times to check in, reconnect, and enjoy each other.

I was a little concerned with this being our first real just the two of us vacation since starting dd...I wasn't sure what to expect and I think he was worried about not meeting my expectations.

All in all we had a GREAT 4 nights. After the first half day (which was a little rough for me) SC hit a major stride in HoH-iness and while I unsuccessfully tried to convince him that it should be a SPANK-FREE vacation, I guess I should be thankful his reminders and swats kept me from having a punishment free vacation.

Can't wait to do it again!

Weekend Getaway

4 nights
1 couple
0 kids
1 boat
= 1 very excited me.

Well, except when I think about the mystery implements he has packed away. To be sure I "stay in line." Sheesh.

We try to get away just the two of us at least once a year. A tradition we have done since we got married. A tradition I LOVE. A time to get away, relax, and do absolutely nothing but be together.

Even though I lost the battle  attempted compromise to leave the gym clothes at home...and his sarcasm did not keep me from packing the card games...Bring on the vacation!!!

See you next week! :)

It's Just Not Natural...

I knew I was in trouble from the warm up. I mean, I had just been spanked the night before. That warm up seriously hurt! I glanced back to his weapon implement choice for the evening. The big wooden paddle. He means business. Oh dear.

He begins. I begin to squirm from the first swat. Apparently I was still tender from the hairbrush the night before...

Be still or I will add more . . . 

Seriously?!? I AM TRYING!!!

The man is spanking me with a huge wooden paddle and I am expected to be STILL?!? Not likely.

Not blocking him. I get.
Not flipping over. I get.
Not getting up. I get.

but STILL???

HOW?!?!? Seriously, how does one stay still for this????

Ok ok. So in all fairness he says some movement is expected. Apparently we have different definitions of "some." <yeah I totally just rolled my eyes>

It's my bodies fault...you know, fight or flight??? Either response requires movement.

It's like be still so I can eat you!

Just.Not.Natural.

SC sees fight or flight as nonsubmission. I see it as a natural reaction to an unnatural experience! Isn't the fact that I am lying over the bed at all enough proof of my submission?!?

In the end I got 2 extras.

I really need to dispose of that paddle...

Intentions, Control, Loopholes, and the Library

My whole life I was a "good kid." Any time I actually got in trouble it was usually for my mouth. I never did things without thinking them through and I hardly ever got in trouble. If it was for an accident or a mistake, I could always get out of it, because it wasn't "intentional."

Well, obviously, my HoH missed the "intentional" rule. I have found there are no loopholes in this dd marriage. SC is well aware of my tactics and is not willing to play.

So, what does this mean for me? I get spanked. a lot. Even when I am trying.

This is new ground for me. I am a perfectionist and have always been able to do what I set out to do.

Failing when trying? New ground. And I am NOT a fan.

When SC got back from his trip I knew I would be punished. And I was. Sunday night. Happy Easter, right? ;)

So, slightly tender from that "adventure" I "intended" to make it through Monday without doing ANYTHING worthy of a punishment. Well...someone should have told PMS to stay away. And the library not to call...

UGH. The Library. I hate the library! I went almost a year without going because of how high my fines were. I finally broke down and went only to get a call yesterday that the books we had out were 8 days late and therefore I owed $39.60 in fines. SERIOUSLY?!? That is ridiculous. And I didn't MEAN to be late. A month went by really fast! And those fines are totally wrong.

One of the first rules we had was about the library fines. I am notorious. In fact, we buy all of our homeschool books so I don't HAVE to use the library because it ends up cheaper to buy the books than paying the fines.  SC has a no tolerance policy with the library. It falls nicely under his "wastefulness" rule.

Yuck. I told him about it via text and he assured me that was "very not good for me." Lovely.

Add in PMS and some yelling at the kids and I knew it would be a fun night.

But, but, I tried! I really wanted to be punishment free. Having punishments out of my control is frustrating! Yeah, yeah, I know that's the point, but I am a perfectionist and I HATE not being "perfect" at this. I know perfect is not possible and if it were I wouldn't need TTWD...but letting go of my loopholes is tough. I am the Queen of Loopholes. I am the one who got pulled over 9 times in my college days with only one ticket. I considered myself a master manipulator. (yeah yeah not a great trait, I know.).

SC is onto me. No loopholes. No good intentions.

So last night, I experienced what I think was his "stepping it up" in the lecture. He has me sit on the bed next to him and begins to lecture. Honestly? I almost laughed! He is trying to be all serious, and I can't help think it is funny that I am about to be spanked over library fines.

You have a problem with the library, and you wasted almost $40 in fines. 

hiding laughter. I know I should be taking this more seriously.

Now, I know your temptation is to now avoid the library, but you can't do that.. . .

ok, now I stopped laughing, that was totally my plan. What do you mean, I can't avoid the library...how else will I avoid the fines?!? (intelligent enough to not have said out loud!) I just give him the deer in the headlights look...

You need to be responsible. Send yourself a reminder, put it on your phone. Be aware of when they need to go back. You can't avoid the library because then we waste money by you BUYING the books. 

oh dear.

And then the issue of my attitude with the kids . . .

Is PMS an excuse?

hmmmm, can it be? It should be! (again I had the forethought to NOT SAY this out loud!) ;)

No

I hate being out of control. This submissive thing is tough.

Honestly though, and I really hate to admit this. . . I don't miss the loopholes. I love that my man can see through the games my mind plays without me even thinking about it. I can't become the person I want to be if I allow myself to be held back by excuses.

So, hesitantly, but willingly, saying goodbye to the loopholes. It's worth it.