Procrastination and Girl Scout Cookies . . .

I got one of those dreaded emails yesterday. You know the you didn't do this like you were supposed to emails? ACK I was so frustrated with myself. My HoH has been extremely patient with me, as we have had a few months of utter craziness-- family emergencies, relatives visiting, even a death in the family and some out of the usual work situations. I love spontaneous but even I am ready for some structure and routine! 

Procrastination is something I struggle with anyway, let alone in the midst of life's chaos the last few months. My HoH reminded me several times about a few things, one that was urgent for his work that he needed me to do. He gave me a deadline of noon yesterday. At about 1:30 I got an email: "I don't have it." UGH! I totally forgot! Honestly, even if I would have remembered I could not have gotten to it that morning with all the other things I had to do, but I never told him that. I should have. I knew I would not be able to do it by the deadline, but I never communicated that to him. I did get it done yesterday afternoon...just a little too late. As soon as SC called it direct disobedience I knew it was going to be a rough night. 

So, what do Girl Scout cookies have to do with this? Seriously, being spanked for Girl Scout Cookies? 

So frustrating! Someone asked me to buy them some Girl Scout cookies because they didn't have cash on them. I jumped out of the car to help them out and while there decided to buy a few boxes for us. No big deal right? EXCEPT when you are on a spending freeze! I realized what I was doing as I was handing over the money. OOPS. It was a total accident! 

We have been practicing dd for about 7 months now, and this is the first time I have been spanked for an accident. My HoH was right in saying a rule is a rule. And I have gotten extremely lax in finances the last few weeks, and SC assured me when my family left town we would be back to hard core budgeting. I knew this, I totally just slipped. Being spanked for Girl Scout cookies is just wrong! 

I felt sorry as soon as it happened. I texted my HoH to let him know what I had done. I really was trying. 

Last night was pretty emotional. More emotional than usual. SC of course noticed the difference in me and spent a lot of time holding me and rubbing my back afterwards. I don't really know why. SC has stepped it up some as far as punishments, and I really was super repentant before the punishment began . . . it could have been a combination of any number of reasons.  

Physically, I am always amazed how something that hurts so badly in the moment is barely there just a while later. I mean really, that horrible wooden paddle makes me feel like I am on fire! 

Something tells me those Girl Scout cookies won't taste as good . . . But hey, I won't procrastinate eating them! ;) 

Maintenance

Maintenance. I thought about it all day yesterday. When I was out with my sisters and telling them I had to be home early, I found myself quickly recovering before I casually mentioned I had to be home for maintenance. UGH. I hate maintenance, and yet in a strange way I love it. Confusing, eh? Just like so many things in dd.

The last week or so I have crossed the line a few times...ok a lot of times. I had family in from out of town and I was away from my family a lot. Out with the girls, dinner, shopping. My HoH was being extremely gracious and allowing me to be released from our spending freeze (I say it was just thawing for the week), and allowing me to spend as much time with my family as possible. The first part of the week I did ok. I texted before I spent any money and checked in regularly. Then I spent over my suggested limit on something and really thought I would be in trouble. It really was one of those, "I would like you to keep it to..." Something in me seems to think I can get away with things if my HoH gives any hint of grace. It is pretty ridiculous. Instead of seeing it as a kind gesture, I see it as he doesn't care or is being inconsistent.

After that incident, I started crossing the line a little more. Dinner out here, a purchase here and there. Nothing crazy, but because we are on a spending freeze for the month (trying to catch up after some unexpected bills and some overspending), I am supposed to ask before I swipe a credit or debit card at all. Normally I can spend under $30 without checking. I totally knew I was wrong, but I kept thinking well, he won't tell me no so what difference does it make to ask. The point is offering respect in just checking with him. I was bratting. Not completely unconsciously, but not super intentionally either. Add in a few disrespectful comments here or there and too much procrastination on a few things and my HoH informs me we will be having a maintenance session last night.

When I face all of those things, I guess I am super glad it was just maintenance! Yikes! What was I thinking!??

We don't do regular maintenance. No scheduled night of the week or anything like that. My HoH uses it more along the lines of when I have been starting to head in the wrong direction-- attitude here and there, a disrespectful comment, but nothing deserving of a full punishment. When S.C. informed me we would be doing maintenance he kind of lectured then and laid out why, and the many infractions that had been adding up. He said he just wanted a reminder and a little role affirmation.

<sigh> As much as I hate the concept of maintenance. I mean really, the idea of being spanked when you haven't done anything wrong...more as a precaution so you don't do anything deserving of being punished? It seems absurd. I remember when I was researching d I thought maintenance was one of the most bizarre and ridiculous ideas ever. Now, ugh, I hate it and yet I know how good it is for us...for me.  My HoH was totally right. I needed it. <sigh>

I hate admitting that I need a spanking. Sometimes I am so good about sharing my thoughts and feelings and yes, even my need for a spanking, and other times? I won't admit it for the world! S.C. will ask, "do you need a spanking? Just ask." In my head I am screaming, yes! but my mouth is saying "no!" I know that is deceitful, but really, how hard it it to say that you NEED to be spanked?!?! Does anyone find that easy to do?!?

So, maintenance is done, and I am feeling better. Back in a more submissive headspace and back to checking before swiping! Now, about that procrastination. I already missed one deadline today, so I better get working on that list!

Feeling Brave?

So, SC told me I was "brave" today. Yeah...not in a "the bold and beautiful" kind of way . . . 

More like in a "it was really brave for you to mouth off to your HoH in a text" kind of way. errrr, ummm...How does one respond to that? My attempt of "it was more sarcasm than disrespect" got me no where. Imagine that. ;) 

It was one of those super rough days. The kind where nothing seems to go right, yet nothing really went "wrong" ... at least not enough to justify my emotions and attitude. The worst kind of day. The kind of day you wish your HoH was just a little less consistent. 

I felt unsettled this morning, and I should have said something to SC but he was rushing to work and I didn't want to make him late or trouble him with my lingering "unsettledness"... I hate that anyway. Why can't I just get a grip myself? I know when I get that way a spanking usually sets me straight and we are fine. Something in me struggles against submission. That inner crazy attitude struggles to come out. Where I can feel myself bucking up against our established roles and I just need some "role affirmation."  I can usually head it off by just telling SC. <sigh> I didn't want to bother him this morning...now I wish he wouldn't be bothered tonight. 

I get so frustrated and angry with myself and my lack of self control. We have made such huge strides in this particular area in the last 6 months. I am a "yeller" by nature and nurture. Such a horrible habit, I totally admit that. And desire to change. Thankfully it was pretty easy to cease yelling at the HoH. I mean come on...self preservation right? But for some reason, yelling at the kids has been a much harder habit to kick. I am sooooo much better and for that I am so grateful. Yet, ugly days like today send me right back to frustration-with-myself-land. What happened to all that progress? 

I hate the waiting. I dread it. I hate the feeling of even a piece of me dreading him coming home. I can't wait to see him, to have him hold me. But, the other? Yeah I could do without the discipline tonight. I hate the knowing you deserve it and yet, hey, I'm feeling better now so can't we move on? Yeah. not gonna happen. <sigh> and so I wait...

Target Mocks Me . . .

Target is like Disney World to me. I love it! It is amazing the wonderful deals to be found in that dollar discount section, the clearance kids clothes, and other random things. I could go in for toilet paper and be reminded of all of the wonderful things I forgot I needed (or never even knew I needed!)

Well, let's say that for the last six months (the duration of our dd relationship thus far), I have avoided Target like the plague. I have a $30 spending limit without permission. I assure you I cannot spend less than $30 at Target. So, I stay away. The regular grocery store is much safer! ;)

Last night we were having a family outing and we ran by Target for me to get a few things I needed. A FEW. I asked my HoH to go in instead...self preservation, right?!? Well, he assured me that I knew better what we needed and that I could handle it. : /

I tease my dh about his "twitchy palm" all the time (50 Shades reference) . . . but I kind of empathized last night...My hand kept reaching for things to put in the cart. Sales, clearance . . .oh I love that! 

And then...I saw these...

and these . . .

Was Target mocking me? My hands suddenly felt less twitchy and I felt compelled to leave quickly...without any of those! And with only the things I needed.

I was so proud of myself! Too bad I actually did get spanked last night, but it had nothing to do with Target. .

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Anyone have difficulty picking out a Valentine's day card for their spouse? I am the worst! I will stand there FOREVER picking out just the right card. Today, however, was the first time buying a Valentine's Day card for my husband since we started dd. I was at the store this morning trying to pick a card and I just stood there giggling. Every saying took on new meaning with a dd filter.

One card talked about "Mr. Fix It, I love how you use your tools." BAHAHAHA, which tools? The big paddle? The square paddle? The cane? The hairbrush? Oh wait, that's not what they were talking about???

My favorite was this one:

"I'm so glad you're my husband
Whenever life's frustrations start to overwhelm my day,
I think of you
and find the stress beings to melt away . . .
your warm, uplifting spirit
brings a calmness to my life,
Reminding me how fortunate I am to be your wife."

Well, when I read it my mind made some immediate edits: (my edits in bold)


"I'm so glad you're my husband, and have taken me in hand...
Whenever life's frustrations start to overwhelm my day,
I think of you and that awful paddle
and find the stress beings to melt away . . . and if it doesn't
your warm, uplifting spirit, and a paddle or two
brings a calmness to my life, and a red sore bottom
Reminding me how fortunate I am to be your wife." 
(original text from Forget Me Not by American Greetings)


So, yeah, totally bought that card (and made the edits!) for my HoH! Even Valentines day is just a little different in a domestic discipline relationship! How about you? Do you find days like today different than your life before dd? Do you find references all around you that leave you giggling in the store aisles?

Spanking and Guilt Absolution

I don't get it.  I really don't. What about spanking absolves my guilt? Last night as hubby and I went to bed I was overwhelmed with guilt over something. Our conversation went something like this: (let's call hubby SC...you know like Prince Charming only Spank Charming) ;) 

Me: I'm not sure if I need to confess something,
SC: what do you mean?
Me: does one need to confess something that was thought or said not to that person.
SC: I don't think I would spank for a thought. If you didn't say it, you took it captive.
Me: but I did say it out loud, just AFTER I hung up the phone.
SC: was it something you seriously think or just said in anger?
Me: just in anger...in the moment.
SC: what did you say?
Me: I don't want to tell you if I don't have to.
SC: ok.
Me: ugh <head in pillow>
SC: what's wrong?
Me: but I feel so GUILTY! What if I might have called you a name... (Knowing full well SC HATES this particular word.)
SC: hmmm I see. I thought it might be that. Well, I still don't think I would spank you for a thought. You showed control and didn't say it to me.

Now this is the part I should have said, thank you for being understanding....and gracious. Blah blah blah. No. Darn guilt.

Me: but I did say it....
At this point SC knows I won't get over it and he needs to punish me. I soooooo do NOT want to be punished....but I HATE that overwhelming feeling of guilt.

SC: <sigh as he heads to the closet>

Oh dear...

SC: over the bed.

Why is it with two hard strokes of the paddle I feel better? Bizarre....

A few minutes later...

Lying in bed cuddled up against him.

SC: if you want to feel what hell feels like, just say that word to my face.

Me: "Yes sir"

Bottom on fire...got it. Yikes!

Hmmm...I did hear humor behind that, right? Right? ;)

DD Beginnings . . .

We have been married almost 9 years. Mostly a relatively vanilla relationship. About 6 months ago I stumbled upon a thread on dd on a completely unrelated forum. I thought it had something to do with being "domestically disciplined." You know, like the Fly Lady-- cleaning and laundry. ;) HA! Imagine my shock when I read the thread. I was immediately horrified and equally intrigued. I brought it up to the hubby. Not in a "hey, let's do this," but more in a "how crazy is this?!?" At the time I had no inkling whatsoever of wanting that in our marriage. I can't honestly say the the thought didn't cross my mind, but really I thought it was crazy and more thought it would make for some fun...hmmm, role play. I decided to forge that topic with the hubby. He was all on board. Enter Fifty Shades of Grey. I know I know, blah blah. But, I read them. All three. In a few days. (Let's not talk about what I DIDN'T get done those days!) ok, now I was really intrigued. But still...just for play. That silly poorly written trilogy poured a foundation for a lot of conversation between the hubby and me. Conversation that never would have occurred otherwise.

I don't know when the snowball went from play to real, but it did. My hubby says I was hinting I wanted it for real. I am fairly certain that wasn't the case! I thought it was crazy, remember? He wanted to try it. I was baffled. Was he serious? I don't know why I initially said yes, but I agreed to a trial. One month.

That month was "crazy"! Amazingly so. My husband flourished in his role. Our communication was so honest and pure. He was in tune to every thought crossing my face. He was protective, cherishing, loving, and . . . in charge.  I loved it! I wasn't ready to commit long term though. At the end of our one month trial, we sat down to discuss it. Hardly any information was "new" as we had been communicating every thought during the month being sure we were each doing ok. I asked him if he wanted to stop dd. He said No WAY! I wasn't sure what to think. Yes, it was working, but still...wasn't this crazy?!? ;) We agreed upon extending it to a 3 month trial.

During that time we went to a (vanilla) marriage conference. While we were doing the "homework assignments" for the sessions, we were amazed at how irrelevant this conference was to us. Sure we have issues, but none of the type that were being mentioned. We just don't do that...Well, I may but there is no long battle over it. My HoH gives me that arched eyebrow look and it either ends there or over the bed....

Another breakthrough that weekend was when my husband told me how stifled he felt in our marriage. How controlling I was, and how he felt he had no voice. I was flabbergasted. I had no idea. I thought we were "good." All of the bottled up emotions and negative thoughts about our marriage poured out and my HoH told me he never wanted to go back to the way things were before.... our trial perhaps wasn't so temporary.

At the end of those three months neither of us would have sacrificed the progress in our marriage for anything. It seemed dd had made an amazing impact on our relationship and it was here to stay. There are days I still think we are crazy...maybe we are. But we are happy and more in love with each other than ever before. Not because of dd. It is not a magic pill or a genie in a bottle. It is simply a tool. One that reigns me in and allows my husband to take his place as the Head of House...My heart melts when my hubby holds me after a spanking and tells me how proud of me he is . . . for being willing to do this for our marriage. For being willing to do whatever it takes for us to have the best marriage we can . . .

So that's how our marriage got redefined. What about you? How did you get started in dd? Who brought it up in your marriage?

What is domestic discipline?

There are so many "brands" of domestic discipline out there, it is difficult to even have a clue what someone means when they say they have a dd relationship. When I first began researching I was rather overwhelmed until I thankfully stumbled upon the learningdd blog. My HoH and I felt like we had found a gold mine! Factual information about the lifestyle without all the "other" stuff we weren't into. We were grateful to have a road map of sorts. We are Christians, but we don't think God ordained for husbands to spank their wives. It happens to work for us and many others, but we don't think it is God's sovereign plan and certainly have no intention of twisting Scripture to back it up. We do it because it works for us....If you are looking for a definition of dd, I direct you to learningdd's  "What is domestic discipline?" He can say it so much better than I. :) 

However, I can answer "what dd means to us:"

1. My husband is the head of our home. (We do think this is the Biblical part!) ;) the HoH.

2. I, the wife, submit to my husband, but I am an equal and treasured partner in the marriage relationship. We make decisions together, discuss everything, parent our children as equals, and he listens to what I have to say. He values my thoughts and opinions. Yes, he can end a conversation, and yes he can make a decision with out me...but he rarely does that. We are in this together. He may refuse to continue a conversation because I am being unreasonable or disrespectful, but he never ends a conversation because he doesn't care about or value what I have to say.

3. We have rules. We have a list of rules we have agreed upon and I have agreed to be held accountable for. We discussed these rules and they are "our" rules, not his rules for me. They are to protect and care for me and our family. They are for my benefit. 

4. When I break said rules there are consequences. Usually involving a lecture and a spanking. Usually involving the darned paddle.  

5. Submitting to my husband has allowed him freedom to be the man he was designed to be. He feared being honest before because I was a tyrant. I would turn any argument into me as the victim. He has thrived in his role as Hoh, and I respect him in ways I never thought I could. 

6. We are learning and growing in this lifestyle and in our marriage. We have only been in a dd lifestyle a short while and have so much to learn. But, we are teachable, and eager to grow closer together, redefining our roles, communication, and thoughts on what marriage is and what it was intended to be. 

7. It is consensual and beneficial.  I think both are important. Yes, I agree to be spanked. But more importantly, why do I agree? It is beneficial to our marriage. It allows my husband to move passed my transgression without carrying anger or bitterness, and allows me to feel forgiven, and though it sounds strange to someone not in the lifestyle, it reconnects us as a couple stronger than we were before. 

8. It is not spousal abuse. I know this is a big one. Many look at dd and think, it's just about men beating their wives. There should be no beating going on in a dd relationship. No yelling, no forcing, no manhandling. It is a loving interaction that brings a husband and wife passed something that has happened, and reconnects them. 

9. Spanking is only a part. I am not necessarily talking about room time or corner time (neither of which we currently use), but it is an emotional connection. DD facilitates open and honest communication in a way I could have never imagined before. I am able to articulate emotions and feelings, and actually allow my HoH a place in helping me to make them right. We hide nothing, communicate everything, and as a result understand and love each other so much more deeply than we ever could have thought possible. 

So, that's my not so short take on dd for us.  

Hello World!

So there is something therapeutic about telling the world...ok well the internet...about our life. Six months ago my hubby and I thought we had a fantastic marriage. And then, I stumbled upon dd online. Depends on who you ask about who got the ball rolling (but that is a subject for another post!), and here we are happily living a domestic discipline life! I know people out there think we are crazy. Goodness, there are days when I think we are crazy! ;) But we could not be happier. Our marriage has been redefined. Me, the independent, self confident, I can do do anything you can do woman is thrilled to submit to my husband. To be led, to obey, to be protected, to be told no, and yes, to be disciplined. This is a crazy life, but I absolutely love it. Sure it has its ups and downs, but we are amazed at the changes it has brought in our marriage. It has given my husband a voice. A platform to rise to lead our family. He is thriving in his role as HoH, and contrary to previous thought, I really am capable of submission. Who knew?!? I started this blog simply to share a little of our journey in dd. It can be a lonely place, seemingly living a secret life, and I know we can all use extra support!