Maintenance

Maintenance. I thought about it all day yesterday. When I was out with my sisters and telling them I had to be home early, I found myself quickly recovering before I casually mentioned I had to be home for maintenance. UGH. I hate maintenance, and yet in a strange way I love it. Confusing, eh? Just like so many things in dd.

The last week or so I have crossed the line a few times...ok a lot of times. I had family in from out of town and I was away from my family a lot. Out with the girls, dinner, shopping. My HoH was being extremely gracious and allowing me to be released from our spending freeze (I say it was just thawing for the week), and allowing me to spend as much time with my family as possible. The first part of the week I did ok. I texted before I spent any money and checked in regularly. Then I spent over my suggested limit on something and really thought I would be in trouble. It really was one of those, "I would like you to keep it to..." Something in me seems to think I can get away with things if my HoH gives any hint of grace. It is pretty ridiculous. Instead of seeing it as a kind gesture, I see it as he doesn't care or is being inconsistent.

After that incident, I started crossing the line a little more. Dinner out here, a purchase here and there. Nothing crazy, but because we are on a spending freeze for the month (trying to catch up after some unexpected bills and some overspending), I am supposed to ask before I swipe a credit or debit card at all. Normally I can spend under $30 without checking. I totally knew I was wrong, but I kept thinking well, he won't tell me no so what difference does it make to ask. The point is offering respect in just checking with him. I was bratting. Not completely unconsciously, but not super intentionally either. Add in a few disrespectful comments here or there and too much procrastination on a few things and my HoH informs me we will be having a maintenance session last night.

When I face all of those things, I guess I am super glad it was just maintenance! Yikes! What was I thinking!??

We don't do regular maintenance. No scheduled night of the week or anything like that. My HoH uses it more along the lines of when I have been starting to head in the wrong direction-- attitude here and there, a disrespectful comment, but nothing deserving of a full punishment. When S.C. informed me we would be doing maintenance he kind of lectured then and laid out why, and the many infractions that had been adding up. He said he just wanted a reminder and a little role affirmation.

<sigh> As much as I hate the concept of maintenance. I mean really, the idea of being spanked when you haven't done anything wrong...more as a precaution so you don't do anything deserving of being punished? It seems absurd. I remember when I was researching d I thought maintenance was one of the most bizarre and ridiculous ideas ever. Now, ugh, I hate it and yet I know how good it is for us...for me.  My HoH was totally right. I needed it. <sigh>

I hate admitting that I need a spanking. Sometimes I am so good about sharing my thoughts and feelings and yes, even my need for a spanking, and other times? I won't admit it for the world! S.C. will ask, "do you need a spanking? Just ask." In my head I am screaming, yes! but my mouth is saying "no!" I know that is deceitful, but really, how hard it it to say that you NEED to be spanked?!?! Does anyone find that easy to do?!?

So, maintenance is done, and I am feeling better. Back in a more submissive headspace and back to checking before swiping! Now, about that procrastination. I already missed one deadline today, so I better get working on that list!