Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Feeling Brave?

So, SC told me I was "brave" today. Yeah...not in a "the bold and beautiful" kind of way . . . 

More like in a "it was really brave for you to mouth off to your HoH in a text" kind of way. errrr, ummm...How does one respond to that? My attempt of "it was more sarcasm than disrespect" got me no where. Imagine that. ;) 

It was one of those super rough days. The kind where nothing seems to go right, yet nothing really went "wrong" ... at least not enough to justify my emotions and attitude. The worst kind of day. The kind of day you wish your HoH was just a little less consistent. 

I felt unsettled this morning, and I should have said something to SC but he was rushing to work and I didn't want to make him late or trouble him with my lingering "unsettledness"... I hate that anyway. Why can't I just get a grip myself? I know when I get that way a spanking usually sets me straight and we are fine. Something in me struggles against submission. That inner crazy attitude struggles to come out. Where I can feel myself bucking up against our established roles and I just need some "role affirmation."  I can usually head it off by just telling SC. <sigh> I didn't want to bother him this morning...now I wish he wouldn't be bothered tonight. 

I get so frustrated and angry with myself and my lack of self control. We have made such huge strides in this particular area in the last 6 months. I am a "yeller" by nature and nurture. Such a horrible habit, I totally admit that. And desire to change. Thankfully it was pretty easy to cease yelling at the HoH. I mean come on...self preservation right? But for some reason, yelling at the kids has been a much harder habit to kick. I am sooooo much better and for that I am so grateful. Yet, ugly days like today send me right back to frustration-with-myself-land. What happened to all that progress? 

I hate the waiting. I dread it. I hate the feeling of even a piece of me dreading him coming home. I can't wait to see him, to have him hold me. But, the other? Yeah I could do without the discipline tonight. I hate the knowing you deserve it and yet, hey, I'm feeling better now so can't we move on? Yeah. not gonna happen. <sigh> and so I wait...

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