It's been 18 days. It seems like an eternity.
We got into a fight. He said some really hurtful things. I know I did as well, out of my own hurt. I didn't think I could ever trust him again.
The thing is we were already questioning our dd relationship. Well, he was.
Ironic since he was the one who wanted it to begin with, and then in the end it was me wishing it to stay...
But then the pain I felt...the loss of trust....my heart ached and I couldn't see any respite to that pain, so I agreed with him. We couldn't have a dd relationship where we were. There was no trust. No vulnerability. I was guarded, and hurting.
We said 6 months. I knew it would be hard at first and I didn't want him to give up in a moment of frustration and want dd back simply because it was "easy" to "deal with" his frustration.
I felt like his reasons for wanting to quit DD were extremely selfish. He said he didn't "enjoy spanking me." Well, huh, I don't think punishments are supposed to be enjoyable for either...
He hated the "crime and punishment" cycle we had gotten into. Well, guess what? Me too. DD isn't supposed to be that way. DD is so much more than punishment spankings.
But we had gotten so far from what dd is supposed to be. He stopped Role Affirmations, he stopped maintenance. Busyness with his schedule kept reconnection and connection nearly impossible.
I was hanging on, but barely. I asked for a submission weekend, to get things back on track. He decided he needed time to figure out if he even wanted dd anymore.
We shipped the kids to the grandparents with expectations of the weekend still completely up in the air, and I tried to keep an open mind. We began with watching a marriage DVD. He wanted to discover what was going on with us, and where we were failing-- he desired to get back to "authenticity" in our marriage.
I know what he means by "authenticity." Being dominant does not come naturally to him. I am much more naturally dominant than him. Except in the bedroom-- I am totally a sexual submissive...but he is not a sexual dominant. And that is ultimately what he means by lack of authenticity. He feels like he can't be himself in the bedroom.
He wants to be dominant in the day to day role. He wants to be head of the house and me to be submissive. But then he doesn't want to spank me, he just wants me to "be submissive" without it.
I was frustrated.
We fought. A lot. About that and other things. We were a mess.
Since he was already thinking about stopping DD, it seemed like the perfect time to stop. I had lost trust in him and I was hurting-- not exactly the foundation for a strong DD relationship or any relationship. He didn't like the way it ended-- he felt like I took the decision away from him.
I tried to be objective and gave him a few days to think about it. He did and ultimately agreed that it was the decision he would have come to.
And the tidal wave of emotions bellowed.
I was a mess. Now not only was I dealing with the emotions of being "hurt" but now I had lost a piece of our relationship. I knew cognitively that I would be ok without DD in the long run, but I knew the road would not be easy.
The first week was tough. We talked a lot. At first he was angry. Somewhere along the road he lost sight of what dd was, and somehow he thought without dd (in his mind-- dd was only spanking) our relationship with him as head of house and me as submissive wife would continue. He thought we would still maintain those roles outside of DD.
Well, nope. Not happening. Day to day submission is NOT natural for me. DD granted me the role to "feel submissive." I knew I couldn't maintain that without dd-- and to me DD was so much more than spanking.
While I understand "Biblical submission" to me, the level of submission we practiced was WAY beyond normal "Biblical submission."
We talked a lot.
I think he was blown away with how our perceptions had changed. How he had lost sight of what domestic discipline truly is.
When he realized all we had given up...he wanted to go back.
He realizes he lost sight, and lost perspective and wants to well, not go back to where we were because that wasn't a great place, he wants to reform our perceptions and create a new way for us, including DD.
What do I want?
That's a really great question. One I wish I could answer.
That first week I wanted nothing more than to go back. I missed it so much my heart ached. I found myself bratty and difficult-- reacting out of emotion like the old me. I hated it.
The second week was better. I saw him responding and realizing what all he had missed and yeah, maybe a part of me felt a little smug about his current struggle. Every sassy word that came out of my mouth I could feel his hand twitch...and yeah, I think I got a little pleasure from his frustration. I guess I blamed him-- it was his decision to stop.
We are now in week 3. Last night he told me he wants to return to a dd lifestyle.
I honestly don't know what I want.
The first week I listed all of the things I missed:
clear roles
clear expectations
feeling loved, cherished, protected
clear feeling of forgivness
no/less guilt
trusting him
adoration and respect that comes from his taking control
closeness
fast route to reconnection
I want him in charge but I want him to take control ie earn it/deserve it/prove that he wants it
breaking down of walls
lack of distance
push for clear communication
way for him to clearly communicate his disappointment
the more I disrespect him and he tolerates it, the less I respect him
comfort from knowing he is in charge
belonging
mutual accountability
Some of that list has less to do with the loss of DD and more just to do with the simple loss of trust from our argument.
So I began to ponder-- can we have these things without DD?
Without DD, emotions seem to reign. On both of our parts. I don't have him to rein me in, and he doesn't have the "responsibility" of being the H to keep him accountable.
Honestly, this has been less of an issue since we are not "fighting" right now, but what about the next disagreement? Will we be right back there?
The truth is, our relationship grew leaps and bounds in our Domestic Discipline life, and I simply don't know if we will/can be as close and connected as we were with it, without it.
I just don't know.
He seems to have come to the conclusion that he doesn't think we will...so he wants it back.
I don't know. The only thing I know is I am confused.
Will it be different?
With him in school again, will he have time to be "H" in the capacity I need him to be?
He says the role of "H" can be tiring, that he comes home from work and feels like he has to be "on." I don't want that pressure for him, but I don't know how to fix it.
Being not naturally submissive, I do feel like I am a lot of work to maintain the level of submission he wants...and I crave when we are in our roles. I love "feeling" submissive...but it takes major consistency for me to "feel" that way. For a long time I thought it was worth it...but now...sigh. Now I don't know.
Will he resent me? I know he likes the end result, but will he again resent the process? I know he says he was wrong and that he lost sight of it all...but will it once again prove to be too much work?
If we remodel our dynamic, what will it look like?
I miss the connection. I really really do. But I can honestly say I don't miss the punishments! :P But I do miss after...I miss feeling "his"...I miss calling him sir...I miss that feeling of protection, of being cared for...
Part of me wonders if we should give it more time...more time to redevelop who we are apart from DD...to see if we can have some of that without it...
And part of me doesn't want to waste any more time frustrated with where we are.
And then the other thing...that lack of trust I still feel. Can I really make myself that vulnerable to him right now? My heart is still hurting...I don't know if I can...and yet part of me just wants him to tear down the walls for me...but then, I am not sure I am ready for that.
If you made it through my ramblings, thank you! I look forward to your words of encouragement, advice, anything you have to offer!
I am sorry for being so MIA, life has been hectic. I definitely miss the online DD community...going through this alone has been so hard. In fact, I think that was one of our major struggles. I think SC not having anyone to talk to him and keep him grounded in the lifestyle and help him has been a major issue...this lifestyle is unique and very different for every couple, but it is really hard to do alone.
And my not having anyone to talk to has been .... well, difficult. Lonely.
OK. Enough of this whinefest. I have missed you all!
Monday, December 29, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Submitting to a Spanking
Who's in Charge
You are.
What's your role?
To submit.
Will you submit to me in all things?
Yes Sir
That's usually where it stops. Every time. It's over. No more spanking, no more punishment. Only hugs and cuddling...and sometimes other activities. . .
Not this time. This time the words that came out of his mouth caused me to sob.
I had just been thoroughly punished. I was sore. I was sorry.
Will you submit to me in all things?
Yes sir.
Good. Because now I am going to ask you to submit to a long hard spanking.
What?!!? Wait?!?!? That's not how this works! I thought that, but I said nothing. I just sobbed. How could I take more? I was already so sore.
This happened sometime last month. Life had been crazy and I had gotten in some trouble. Threw up some walls and distanced some as busyness can often cause. SC was done. He wanted me back, and he was willing to do anything he was able to in order to make it happen.
So a long hard spanking it was.
And I submitted to it.
SC always expects me to be "still" for spankings. Now, when I think "still" I think relatively--don't move out of position ie stand up, fall to the floor, climb on the bed (huh? No of course I have never done any of those things!) <hiding>
When SC says be still. He means S.T.I.L.L. As in don't move at all. No wiggling, no jiggling, no moving at all. For a long time I just thought that was unreasonable. Sometimes we got to that place in a spanking-- when it was so long and so hard I had no fight left and could do nothing else but lie there. That place where you butt is almost numb (or at least you think it is until your H starts spanking even harder or hits a new place!) but getting there was not super common. It usually only happened during the really bad spankings-- usually resets.
But SC was requiring that "still submission" more and more, and I found myself getting frustrated. A couple of time I even lashed out I AM BEING STILL! (Yeah, Do NOT recommend that!)
In the last few weeks I find myself getting to that still submission more and more. I used to think it was all physical-- spank me hard and long enough and I will give in... But I have found that emotional surrender will get you there so much more quickly!
Sometimes when I am getting spanked I am angry. I don't think I deserve it. He starts spanking and I vow to not say a word. Not move a muscle. Certainly not cry. Well, that only lasts a short while when a large man is barreling wood down on your backside. Though my body is bent over the bed and I am staying "in position," I am certainly not "submitting" to the spanking.
Sometimes, I am submitting, I know I deserve it, I know I need it, but my mind is on things such as How many was that? What is he spanking me with? Ugh I hate when I do that, I am such a slacker/loser/horrible parent/wife. During these times I am physically submitting. I am even emotionally submitting, but something is still missing.
Whether I think I belong over the bed or over his lap, or I am mad at myself for whatever I did to end up there-- the only way to truly be "still" is to fully submit-- fully surrender.
It's at those times I am not filling my mind with self berating or anger at him for punishing me, but I am thinking He is in charge. He loves me. I will submit. He has my best interest at heart. Submitting to this brings us closer together. This is what is best for us. I submit. I submit. I surrender.
When my mind lets go and surrenders, I truly submit and am "still."
It's not a magic button. I can't do it every time. I can't get there whenever I want. But I am finding I am getting to that place more often. Getting there more quickly.
I always submit when SC decides to spank me. But submitting is so much more than physical position. It is surrender. And it is NOT easy. And I am still learning.
Hey! Guess what! Last month SC and I celebrated our 2 year ddversary! 2 years! Craziness! Oh, how far we have come! This journey of submission is long, and hard, and rewarding.
You are.
What's your role?
To submit.
Will you submit to me in all things?
Yes Sir
That's usually where it stops. Every time. It's over. No more spanking, no more punishment. Only hugs and cuddling...and sometimes other activities. . .
Not this time. This time the words that came out of his mouth caused me to sob.
I had just been thoroughly punished. I was sore. I was sorry.
Will you submit to me in all things?
Yes sir.
Good. Because now I am going to ask you to submit to a long hard spanking.
What?!!? Wait?!?!? That's not how this works! I thought that, but I said nothing. I just sobbed. How could I take more? I was already so sore.
This happened sometime last month. Life had been crazy and I had gotten in some trouble. Threw up some walls and distanced some as busyness can often cause. SC was done. He wanted me back, and he was willing to do anything he was able to in order to make it happen.
So a long hard spanking it was.
And I submitted to it.
SC always expects me to be "still" for spankings. Now, when I think "still" I think relatively--don't move out of position ie stand up, fall to the floor, climb on the bed (huh? No of course I have never done any of those things!) <hiding>
When SC says be still. He means S.T.I.L.L. As in don't move at all. No wiggling, no jiggling, no moving at all. For a long time I just thought that was unreasonable. Sometimes we got to that place in a spanking-- when it was so long and so hard I had no fight left and could do nothing else but lie there. That place where you butt is almost numb (or at least you think it is until your H starts spanking even harder or hits a new place!) but getting there was not super common. It usually only happened during the really bad spankings-- usually resets.
But SC was requiring that "still submission" more and more, and I found myself getting frustrated. A couple of time I even lashed out I AM BEING STILL! (Yeah, Do NOT recommend that!)
In the last few weeks I find myself getting to that still submission more and more. I used to think it was all physical-- spank me hard and long enough and I will give in... But I have found that emotional surrender will get you there so much more quickly!
Sometimes when I am getting spanked I am angry. I don't think I deserve it. He starts spanking and I vow to not say a word. Not move a muscle. Certainly not cry. Well, that only lasts a short while when a large man is barreling wood down on your backside. Though my body is bent over the bed and I am staying "in position," I am certainly not "submitting" to the spanking.
Sometimes, I am submitting, I know I deserve it, I know I need it, but my mind is on things such as How many was that? What is he spanking me with? Ugh I hate when I do that, I am such a slacker/loser/horrible parent/wife. During these times I am physically submitting. I am even emotionally submitting, but something is still missing.
Whether I think I belong over the bed or over his lap, or I am mad at myself for whatever I did to end up there-- the only way to truly be "still" is to fully submit-- fully surrender.
It's at those times I am not filling my mind with self berating or anger at him for punishing me, but I am thinking He is in charge. He loves me. I will submit. He has my best interest at heart. Submitting to this brings us closer together. This is what is best for us. I submit. I submit. I surrender.
When my mind lets go and surrenders, I truly submit and am "still."
It's not a magic button. I can't do it every time. I can't get there whenever I want. But I am finding I am getting to that place more often. Getting there more quickly.
I always submit when SC decides to spank me. But submitting is so much more than physical position. It is surrender. And it is NOT easy. And I am still learning.
Hey! Guess what! Last month SC and I celebrated our 2 year ddversary! 2 years! Craziness! Oh, how far we have come! This journey of submission is long, and hard, and rewarding.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
The Professor's Girl by Renee Rose
OK, ya'all. My posts lately have been a little depressing, so I am jumping back in with a ohmygoodness this bookwasawesome book review!
This past weekend was the Summer Spanks Blog hop (super fun!) and I found myself reading all these fun snippets of awesome school girl stories. The icing on this schoolgirl fantasy weekend was reading Renee Rose's new book The Professor's Girl.
Ok, a note of self disclosure here. I am normally not into the whole school girl fantasy because, well, age play is ummm not my thing. But this? Oh, this was in a league all of its own. Professor and PhD student? Yes, please!
If you have read much of Renee Rose you know she never disappoints and The Professor's Girl is no exception!
The Professor's Girl is about sexy scientist Lucy who finds out that she and her professor/boss have more in common than their love of the science lab. As Lucy and Dr. Todd navigate their dance of dominance and submission, all the while trying to avoid scandal, they journey into a world where all their fantasies come true. This was one serious hot story!
But hey, don't just take my word for it, check it out yourself! ;)
The Professor's Girl
*disclaimer: A free copy of The Professor's Girl was provided for my honest review.
This past weekend was the Summer Spanks Blog hop (super fun!) and I found myself reading all these fun snippets of awesome school girl stories. The icing on this schoolgirl fantasy weekend was reading Renee Rose's new book The Professor's Girl.
Ok, a note of self disclosure here. I am normally not into the whole school girl fantasy because, well, age play is ummm not my thing. But this? Oh, this was in a league all of its own. Professor and PhD student? Yes, please!
If you have read much of Renee Rose you know she never disappoints and The Professor's Girl is no exception!
The Professor's Girl is about sexy scientist Lucy who finds out that she and her professor/boss have more in common than their love of the science lab. As Lucy and Dr. Todd navigate their dance of dominance and submission, all the while trying to avoid scandal, they journey into a world where all their fantasies come true. This was one serious hot story!
But hey, don't just take my word for it, check it out yourself! ;)
The Professor's Girl
*disclaimer: A free copy of The Professor's Girl was provided for my honest review.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Community Ramblings: Questions and Concerns
Wow it has been a long time. I miss everyone. Really I do. I think back on the last two years and the amazing help I have found in this community and I am so thankful.
But it hasn't always been sunshine and roses.
And that's why I have been silent for a few months...
I didn't know what to say.
I didn't want to be part of or add to drama.
So I remained silent.
I haven't been around this community very long... only about two years. I often wonder what people are talking about when they say they "miss what blogland used to be." I don't think I ever experienced that. I think I entered the scene at a rough time for this community.
It was just over a year ago that an interview gone wrong seriously shook this community. People were hurt, blogs were made private, some people disappeared forever.
I don't blame them. Not at all. We have to protect ourselves and our families.
Many of us hid in the bushes for awhile and kept sticking our noses out to see if it was safe. Eventually things calmed down and we ventured out to play some.
But I don't think we ever recovered. Not fully.
I think most of us in this community came for the same reasons-- to meet like-minded people, to build relationships with others in the lifestyle, to not feel alone.
But while I knew the dangers involved in internet relationships, and was careful, I regret certain things. I regret certain trusts that were broken. While this community has brought me great friendships, there have been some rocky moments over the last two years. Nothing as big as the happenings of this summer.
One of the first things I did after my H and I started dd was join a network. I needed to know I wasn't alone, that there were other normal people walking around in normal life that practiced this lifestyle. I got to know many people, and it was wonderful.
I'm not sure what went wrong...but things did go wrong.
After the drama of this summer when one of our own was outed as not being who she said she was-- I was hurt, shocked, and flabbergasted. And then? Then I was downright angry. I was part of a network she worked for. She had access to my real name and information. I trusted this network and then to find out this?
She was the first one I trusted with my real phone number and real information, because? Well, she already had it...Real phone calls, real texts . . .
I went to log on to the network to see if there was any information...perhaps to just lick my wounds with others . . .only to find out I had been banned. Banned??? Surely it was a mistake? I emailed the owners. No mistake. "Several" people had allegedly "complained" about me.
Now, I know I never said anything on the network that was ban worthy, and I questioned the professionalism of someone that makes such a decision without even talking to the supposed offending person...so I asked about it. What did I allegedly do? No response. My H, concerned as well, sent an email inquiring as to the nature of said allegations. Silence.
For a long time I was really hurt. Angered even over being treated like that. I withdrew- from blogging, from this community. I came here for support, and it seemed like I was getting quite the opposite.
I thought to just stay silent...to not ruffle feathers. To not start drama. But you know what? The other day my H asked why I had this blog? What is the purpose? For me. I blog for me. To write out what I am thinking, and feeling, and share it with people when I am not able to share this information in real life.
So, I am shaken up. Who do you trust? What do you believe? Who is talking to who about you?
I don't do drama, and I don't like strife, but I do think people deserve truth. True thoughts. True feelings. Truth. I may not share every detail of my life here, but what I do share is TRUE.
The Good. The Bad. And the Ugly.
I'm still nervous. How will people respond to this post even? Will I be seen as a trouble maker for posting this?
I have to not be concerned. I am too often a people pleaser. My heart is not to make trouble, but if I er, I will er on the side of truth every time.
I miss so many of you. Truly. I would love to catch up, whether in comments or emails...Hiding out in the cave is lonely...
But it hasn't always been sunshine and roses.
And that's why I have been silent for a few months...
I didn't know what to say.
I didn't want to be part of or add to drama.
So I remained silent.
I haven't been around this community very long... only about two years. I often wonder what people are talking about when they say they "miss what blogland used to be." I don't think I ever experienced that. I think I entered the scene at a rough time for this community.
It was just over a year ago that an interview gone wrong seriously shook this community. People were hurt, blogs were made private, some people disappeared forever.
I don't blame them. Not at all. We have to protect ourselves and our families.
Many of us hid in the bushes for awhile and kept sticking our noses out to see if it was safe. Eventually things calmed down and we ventured out to play some.
But I don't think we ever recovered. Not fully.
I think most of us in this community came for the same reasons-- to meet like-minded people, to build relationships with others in the lifestyle, to not feel alone.
But while I knew the dangers involved in internet relationships, and was careful, I regret certain things. I regret certain trusts that were broken. While this community has brought me great friendships, there have been some rocky moments over the last two years. Nothing as big as the happenings of this summer.
One of the first things I did after my H and I started dd was join a network. I needed to know I wasn't alone, that there were other normal people walking around in normal life that practiced this lifestyle. I got to know many people, and it was wonderful.
I'm not sure what went wrong...but things did go wrong.
After the drama of this summer when one of our own was outed as not being who she said she was-- I was hurt, shocked, and flabbergasted. And then? Then I was downright angry. I was part of a network she worked for. She had access to my real name and information. I trusted this network and then to find out this?
She was the first one I trusted with my real phone number and real information, because? Well, she already had it...Real phone calls, real texts . . .
I went to log on to the network to see if there was any information...perhaps to just lick my wounds with others . . .only to find out I had been banned. Banned??? Surely it was a mistake? I emailed the owners. No mistake. "Several" people had allegedly "complained" about me.
Now, I know I never said anything on the network that was ban worthy, and I questioned the professionalism of someone that makes such a decision without even talking to the supposed offending person...so I asked about it. What did I allegedly do? No response. My H, concerned as well, sent an email inquiring as to the nature of said allegations. Silence.
For a long time I was really hurt. Angered even over being treated like that. I withdrew- from blogging, from this community. I came here for support, and it seemed like I was getting quite the opposite.
I thought to just stay silent...to not ruffle feathers. To not start drama. But you know what? The other day my H asked why I had this blog? What is the purpose? For me. I blog for me. To write out what I am thinking, and feeling, and share it with people when I am not able to share this information in real life.
So, I am shaken up. Who do you trust? What do you believe? Who is talking to who about you?
I don't do drama, and I don't like strife, but I do think people deserve truth. True thoughts. True feelings. Truth. I may not share every detail of my life here, but what I do share is TRUE.
The Good. The Bad. And the Ugly.
I'm still nervous. How will people respond to this post even? Will I be seen as a trouble maker for posting this?
I have to not be concerned. I am too often a people pleaser. My heart is not to make trouble, but if I er, I will er on the side of truth every time.
I miss so many of you. Truly. I would love to catch up, whether in comments or emails...Hiding out in the cave is lonely...
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Changes...
When we started dd, plenty of experienced dd couples talked about when dd would no longer consume our relationship-- when it would just become part of life. I wasn't sure that would ever happen. 6 months came and gone, a year, a year and a half . . . and then . . . Changes.
SC started back to school this past spring. Spring and summer bring about a lot of travel for work as well. It's the end of the school year, sports activities, family stuff... We have just been busy. Too busy.
When SC started back to school and life got crazy, for a few months things were pretty rough. We settled into what I not so affectionately called the Crime & Punishment cycle. SC would go to work, come home super late, eat dinner, read for classes, and then more often than not, spank me for whatever rules I had broken that day. That was happening a lot. Too much.
I began to resent the rules. I felt he didn't have "time" to be HoH, and although he was punishing me, the closeness wasn't there. Sometimes he barely had time to hold me for very long after because he either needed to get back to school work or get to sleep. Emotionally I was in a terrible place.
Punishments were making me angry, not breaking down walls and bringing us closer together like they are supposed to do.
We regrouped. SC eased up on some of the rules, not changed anything, just eased up the expectations a little. I am getting spanked a lot less. SC is really making an effort to do all he can to spend as much time with us as he can, coming home earlier, helping around the house as much as he can.
We have settled into a new routine. DD has become "just part of life."
Ya'all. I hate it.
Ok not hate it as in I hate dd, I mean I hate the fact that dd has just become another thing. An afterthought.
While we were on vacation and SC was in super H mode, I felt so loved and cared for. So cherished. Yes, I got swatted a bunch, even with the paddle some and while that is no fun, I loved the care I felt-- the closeness.
The thing about dd is it takes a lot of work. On both the part of the dd wife and especially on the HoH. So while my rules have relaxed a little, the reason for that was to lighten the expectations on SC as well, and of course to get out of that crazy crime and punishment cycle!
I miss it. Yes SC is still always in charge. He is always relatively consistent. But I crave that hyper H mode sometimes. And then I feel like that is entirely unfair. And selfish. And he's busy... and I need to not be so needy.
But neediness is part of the dd game-- dd makes us vulnerable and therefore makes us needy. I get that.
I know I need to talk about this with SC soon...maybe there is a compromise. I know that especially with the relaxed rules, I need maintenance. We have talked about it, but for some reason unbeknownst to me he hasn't implemented it. I don't really understand, but I am trying to be patience. Part of me thinks one night a week of submission exercises and maintenance might really help me feel that closeness and get me into a better frame of mind for the week.
I'm not always a fan of change...certainly not this one. But, I am trying to be patient. Trying to be understanding. Trying to be realistic. It's just hard...
Sorry that this post was a bit whiny. He is away right now and I miss him!
Anyone have a submission exercise that helps? Care to share?!? I would love to compile them if you don't mind and do a post on that...SC has asked for ideas in that department.
SC started back to school this past spring. Spring and summer bring about a lot of travel for work as well. It's the end of the school year, sports activities, family stuff... We have just been busy. Too busy.
When SC started back to school and life got crazy, for a few months things were pretty rough. We settled into what I not so affectionately called the Crime & Punishment cycle. SC would go to work, come home super late, eat dinner, read for classes, and then more often than not, spank me for whatever rules I had broken that day. That was happening a lot. Too much.
I began to resent the rules. I felt he didn't have "time" to be HoH, and although he was punishing me, the closeness wasn't there. Sometimes he barely had time to hold me for very long after because he either needed to get back to school work or get to sleep. Emotionally I was in a terrible place.
Punishments were making me angry, not breaking down walls and bringing us closer together like they are supposed to do.
We regrouped. SC eased up on some of the rules, not changed anything, just eased up the expectations a little. I am getting spanked a lot less. SC is really making an effort to do all he can to spend as much time with us as he can, coming home earlier, helping around the house as much as he can.
We have settled into a new routine. DD has become "just part of life."
Ya'all. I hate it.
Ok not hate it as in I hate dd, I mean I hate the fact that dd has just become another thing. An afterthought.
While we were on vacation and SC was in super H mode, I felt so loved and cared for. So cherished. Yes, I got swatted a bunch, even with the paddle some and while that is no fun, I loved the care I felt-- the closeness.
The thing about dd is it takes a lot of work. On both the part of the dd wife and especially on the HoH. So while my rules have relaxed a little, the reason for that was to lighten the expectations on SC as well, and of course to get out of that crazy crime and punishment cycle!
I miss it. Yes SC is still always in charge. He is always relatively consistent. But I crave that hyper H mode sometimes. And then I feel like that is entirely unfair. And selfish. And he's busy... and I need to not be so needy.
But neediness is part of the dd game-- dd makes us vulnerable and therefore makes us needy. I get that.
I know I need to talk about this with SC soon...maybe there is a compromise. I know that especially with the relaxed rules, I need maintenance. We have talked about it, but for some reason unbeknownst to me he hasn't implemented it. I don't really understand, but I am trying to be patience. Part of me thinks one night a week of submission exercises and maintenance might really help me feel that closeness and get me into a better frame of mind for the week.
I'm not always a fan of change...certainly not this one. But, I am trying to be patient. Trying to be understanding. Trying to be realistic. It's just hard...
Sorry that this post was a bit whiny. He is away right now and I miss him!
Anyone have a submission exercise that helps? Care to share?!? I would love to compile them if you don't mind and do a post on that...SC has asked for ideas in that department.
Monday, May 26, 2014
The Dynamics of a Vacation
Vacation.
Such a wonderful word.
About once a year SC and I try to take a short vacation just the two of us-- no kids-- and take some time to get away and just reconnect.
I look forward to this long weekend every year. The time alone with SC is so very important. I love ... adore my kids. But being a stay at home/homeschool mom can get tiring...especially in May when school is finishing up. I was ready for a vacation!
However, there was a small hangup with this trip. We were going with two other couples.
I was nervous.
Normally, time away with SC is time to let loose-- be ourselves. He is in super H mode, and I love settling into super submissive mode. All of my responsibilities are gone, and I get to just let him lead. I love it. But . . . going with other people kind of throws the whole dynamic.
Like I said. I was nervous.
I told SC about my concerns-- I wanted to be honest with him upfront so we could do what we needed to do to make the trip a good one.
I expressed that I was worried about him acting "H"y in front of others. That I was concerned about acting submissive in front of others.
The first day was a bit awkward. He was over the top H'y, and I knew he was doing it on purpose to establish the tone of the trip. It didn't take long until we were in our room and I was being spanked with his belt...not hard, but just as a "reminder" to be careful. More than the swats, what really got me in line was the verbal role affirmation he gave me.
He assured me that he was very much in hoh mode, and that vacation changed nothing. He told me that while he understood the difficulty of being around others he expected my respect at all times and for me not to fall into bad habits of the other wives with us. He assured me that while in front of others he did not expect it, he did expect yes sir/no sir in the room and when we were alone.
He was in "super" h mode. And he knew it was exactly what I needed. This lecture was his way of setting the tone. He was going to be extra strict while we were alone so that there would be no question who was in charge, and how I was to behave when were not alone.
The lecture helped. A lot. It definitely got me in the right head space, and I appreciated his clearly outlining his expectations.
I'm not gonna lie. I was what SC calls "feisty" a lot. Quite a lot actually. But mostly when we were alone. And I got swatted quite a bit for said feistiness. ;) I don't usually brat on purpose, and I didn't this time either, but I do think subconsciously I needed to know he was paying attention and was going to stay on top of things. And that he did.
I did complain about his public "hoh"iness a bit...he definitely had a few over the top moments! ;) Like when he confiscated my phone the first day at lunch! Or threatened with a "do you want to find out?" another...and quite a few other moments...the implements had very little use thankfully-- and mostly for reminders. But really, we had a fabulous vacation.
It could have been a tricky situation. It had plenty of room for problems. But communication is key. I communicated my concerns ahead of time. He responded, laid out the expectations and made it work. We still got plenty of time on our own to let loose and keep the roles firmly established. And I was able to sit back and remain submissive even around others-- discreetly. Plenty of communication and clarifying expectations on both sides is key!
Have any tips for handling vacations as a dd couple? Particularly when around family and friends???
Such a wonderful word.
About once a year SC and I try to take a short vacation just the two of us-- no kids-- and take some time to get away and just reconnect.
I look forward to this long weekend every year. The time alone with SC is so very important. I love ... adore my kids. But being a stay at home/homeschool mom can get tiring...especially in May when school is finishing up. I was ready for a vacation!
However, there was a small hangup with this trip. We were going with two other couples.
I was nervous.
Normally, time away with SC is time to let loose-- be ourselves. He is in super H mode, and I love settling into super submissive mode. All of my responsibilities are gone, and I get to just let him lead. I love it. But . . . going with other people kind of throws the whole dynamic.
Like I said. I was nervous.
I told SC about my concerns-- I wanted to be honest with him upfront so we could do what we needed to do to make the trip a good one.
I expressed that I was worried about him acting "H"y in front of others. That I was concerned about acting submissive in front of others.
The first day was a bit awkward. He was over the top H'y, and I knew he was doing it on purpose to establish the tone of the trip. It didn't take long until we were in our room and I was being spanked with his belt...not hard, but just as a "reminder" to be careful. More than the swats, what really got me in line was the verbal role affirmation he gave me.
He assured me that he was very much in hoh mode, and that vacation changed nothing. He told me that while he understood the difficulty of being around others he expected my respect at all times and for me not to fall into bad habits of the other wives with us. He assured me that while in front of others he did not expect it, he did expect yes sir/no sir in the room and when we were alone.
He was in "super" h mode. And he knew it was exactly what I needed. This lecture was his way of setting the tone. He was going to be extra strict while we were alone so that there would be no question who was in charge, and how I was to behave when were not alone.
The lecture helped. A lot. It definitely got me in the right head space, and I appreciated his clearly outlining his expectations.
I'm not gonna lie. I was what SC calls "feisty" a lot. Quite a lot actually. But mostly when we were alone. And I got swatted quite a bit for said feistiness. ;) I don't usually brat on purpose, and I didn't this time either, but I do think subconsciously I needed to know he was paying attention and was going to stay on top of things. And that he did.
I did complain about his public "hoh"iness a bit...he definitely had a few over the top moments! ;) Like when he confiscated my phone the first day at lunch! Or threatened with a "do you want to find out?" another...and quite a few other moments...the implements had very little use thankfully-- and mostly for reminders. But really, we had a fabulous vacation.
It could have been a tricky situation. It had plenty of room for problems. But communication is key. I communicated my concerns ahead of time. He responded, laid out the expectations and made it work. We still got plenty of time on our own to let loose and keep the roles firmly established. And I was able to sit back and remain submissive even around others-- discreetly. Plenty of communication and clarifying expectations on both sides is key!
Have any tips for handling vacations as a dd couple? Particularly when around family and friends???
Thursday, May 1, 2014
The Liebster Award!
Thank you so much Meredith from New Twist After All These Years for nominating me with the Liebster Award!
The rules of the Liebster!
1. Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.
2. Display the award on your blog either by widget, gadget or image.
3. Answer questions about yourself provided by your nominator.
4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
5. Nominate 5 to 11 blogs with less than 1,000 followers who deserve this award.
6. Create a new list of questions for the nominees to answer.
7. List these rules on your post then after you have published it you must ...
8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn all about it!
Meredith's 11 Questions:
1. Are you right or left handed?
Right. (This is like one of those ice breaker questions. An easy one to build your confidence for the harder ones! :) Thank you Meredith!)
2. Do you dream about being spanked?
Well, ummm...I have actually. I guess I think that is pretty weird and it hasn't happened often, but it has happened...does that mean something????!!!!
3. How many states have you visited?
Hmmmm I feel the need to consult a map....I think 26....I think...that seems sad. I guess I am more of an international traveler LOL
(For your own entertainment purposes I will share with you that this question got interrupted by SC calling me to the garage...there is only one reason he calls me to the garage ya'all. Yeah. ouch. Good thing these chairs are padded.
4. First thing in the morning, do you like coffee or tea?
Neither. Honestly, I don't think I am capable of liking anyone or anything in the morning...well ok when my kid comes in for "snuggles" that's pretty likable...
My drink of choice is Diet Coke followed by Crystal Lite Iced Tea...but usually I just drink water.
5. Have you ever tried to talk your way out of a spanking?
Wait. Some people don't??? I guess that's a yes. :)
6. What is your favorite book of all time?
Total fluff and sappiness with no literary value (and I do value good literature), but The Princess by Lori Wick.
7. Name a place you never want to return to.
Toys R Us in NYC the day before Christmas Eve. Yeah. No thanks. Never again.
8. Do you sleep in the nude?
For real I would LOVE to...but ya'all, I have 3 kids. And the little one occasionally finds her way into our bed in the middle of the night. And in the morning they ALL find their way into our room. That would scar them forever so I wear the minimal necessary to NOT cause PTSD. ;)
9. Are you a night owl or a morning lark?
Night for sure. Why do mornings even exist??? Morning people scare me. (including my HoH)
10. What is your best marriage advice?
Talk. Talk. and talk some more. And when you think you have said it all. Keep talking. Don't ever assume anything. Communication is so vital.
11. How does spanking work in your marriage?
We have punishments (yuck!), fun ones (yeah!), and maintenance/RA ones (meh) My H does all the spanking, though I try to throw a swat here or there... :) Spanking cleans the slate. He is no longer angry. I am no longer guilty. And the relationship is now restored. It doesn't make sense all the time. But it works. I guess we are pragmatists at heart.
11 Facts about Me:
1. I am a Diet Coke addict. For real. It's terrible for you I know. I love it anyway.
2. I spend WAY too much time online.
3. I act like I am pretty emotionally tough, but I am actually super sensitive.
4. I am a huge people pleaser ... to a fault. I don't always do what people want...but I feel bad about that. ;)
5. I love to be busy, and love to get out and do things...I can't stay in the house too many days in a row or I go crazy.
6. I love to swim, but only in the pool. The beach freaks me out-- sharks and all that.
7. Love Love Love to read. My HoH keeps a tight reign on my Amazon budget, much to my chagrin.
8. I love to travel, and have traveled internationally quite a bit. I love off the beaten path type places-- not the touristy spots.
9. I have always wanted to sky dive. After having 3 kids the thought it not as appealing (leaving orphans and all that), but sky diving and para-sailing still call to me....maybe one day...
10. I like cooking...but not cleaning so that makes cooking not as fun because the cleaning part always follows.
11. I am a closet country music fan...shhhhh! Don't tell!
ok, so I am a little late to the party so if you have already been nominated, sorry! I nominate:
Tricia @ Love of My Life, Head of the House
Callie @ About Us
Emi Jones @ Veiled Obsessions
Catherine Shaw @ My Sir, My Forever Love
Kay @ Trying to Learn, Learning to Try
Tasha Madison @ Our New Beginning
Tag. You're it!!!! :)
1. What do you like to do in your free time/favorite hobby?
2. What was your favorite vacation ever?
3. What are your top 5 movies of all times?
4. Would you ever consider telling your kids/family about dd? Why or why not?
5. One thing your HoH does that makes you feel submissive.
6. Least Favorite spanking implement.
7. If you had to spend $5,000 today, what would you buy?
8. Favorite sex toy and why.
9. What is your dream date night scenario?
10. If you could get rid of one rule what would it be?
11. What was your most memorable spanking?
The rules of the Liebster!
1. Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.
2. Display the award on your blog either by widget, gadget or image.
3. Answer questions about yourself provided by your nominator.
4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
5. Nominate 5 to 11 blogs with less than 1,000 followers who deserve this award.
6. Create a new list of questions for the nominees to answer.
7. List these rules on your post then after you have published it you must ...
8. Inform people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so they can learn all about it!
Meredith's 11 Questions:
1. Are you right or left handed?
Right. (This is like one of those ice breaker questions. An easy one to build your confidence for the harder ones! :) Thank you Meredith!)
2. Do you dream about being spanked?
Well, ummm...I have actually. I guess I think that is pretty weird and it hasn't happened often, but it has happened...does that mean something????!!!!
3. How many states have you visited?
Hmmmm I feel the need to consult a map....I think 26....I think...that seems sad. I guess I am more of an international traveler LOL
(For your own entertainment purposes I will share with you that this question got interrupted by SC calling me to the garage...there is only one reason he calls me to the garage ya'all. Yeah. ouch. Good thing these chairs are padded.
4. First thing in the morning, do you like coffee or tea?
Neither. Honestly, I don't think I am capable of liking anyone or anything in the morning...well ok when my kid comes in for "snuggles" that's pretty likable...
My drink of choice is Diet Coke followed by Crystal Lite Iced Tea...but usually I just drink water.
5. Have you ever tried to talk your way out of a spanking?
Wait. Some people don't??? I guess that's a yes. :)
6. What is your favorite book of all time?
Total fluff and sappiness with no literary value (and I do value good literature), but The Princess by Lori Wick.
7. Name a place you never want to return to.
Toys R Us in NYC the day before Christmas Eve. Yeah. No thanks. Never again.
8. Do you sleep in the nude?
For real I would LOVE to...but ya'all, I have 3 kids. And the little one occasionally finds her way into our bed in the middle of the night. And in the morning they ALL find their way into our room. That would scar them forever so I wear the minimal necessary to NOT cause PTSD. ;)
9. Are you a night owl or a morning lark?
Night for sure. Why do mornings even exist??? Morning people scare me. (including my HoH)
10. What is your best marriage advice?
Talk. Talk. and talk some more. And when you think you have said it all. Keep talking. Don't ever assume anything. Communication is so vital.
11. How does spanking work in your marriage?
We have punishments (yuck!), fun ones (yeah!), and maintenance/RA ones (meh) My H does all the spanking, though I try to throw a swat here or there... :) Spanking cleans the slate. He is no longer angry. I am no longer guilty. And the relationship is now restored. It doesn't make sense all the time. But it works. I guess we are pragmatists at heart.
11 Facts about Me:
1. I am a Diet Coke addict. For real. It's terrible for you I know. I love it anyway.
2. I spend WAY too much time online.
3. I act like I am pretty emotionally tough, but I am actually super sensitive.
4. I am a huge people pleaser ... to a fault. I don't always do what people want...but I feel bad about that. ;)
5. I love to be busy, and love to get out and do things...I can't stay in the house too many days in a row or I go crazy.
6. I love to swim, but only in the pool. The beach freaks me out-- sharks and all that.
7. Love Love Love to read. My HoH keeps a tight reign on my Amazon budget, much to my chagrin.
8. I love to travel, and have traveled internationally quite a bit. I love off the beaten path type places-- not the touristy spots.
9. I have always wanted to sky dive. After having 3 kids the thought it not as appealing (leaving orphans and all that), but sky diving and para-sailing still call to me....maybe one day...
10. I like cooking...but not cleaning so that makes cooking not as fun because the cleaning part always follows.
11. I am a closet country music fan...shhhhh! Don't tell!
ok, so I am a little late to the party so if you have already been nominated, sorry! I nominate:
Tricia @ Love of My Life, Head of the House
Callie @ About Us
Emi Jones @ Veiled Obsessions
Catherine Shaw @ My Sir, My Forever Love
Kay @ Trying to Learn, Learning to Try
Tasha Madison @ Our New Beginning
Tag. You're it!!!! :)
1. What do you like to do in your free time/favorite hobby?
2. What was your favorite vacation ever?
3. What are your top 5 movies of all times?
4. Would you ever consider telling your kids/family about dd? Why or why not?
5. One thing your HoH does that makes you feel submissive.
6. Least Favorite spanking implement.
7. If you had to spend $5,000 today, what would you buy?
8. Favorite sex toy and why.
9. What is your dream date night scenario?
10. If you could get rid of one rule what would it be?
11. What was your most memorable spanking?
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
I'm Alive, I'm sorry, and I FINALLY have your answers!!!
March WAS Q&A month. And yes, I am vaguely aware that it is no longer March. . . and barely still April... Like the sad slacker that I am, life took over and I temporarily abandoned you all. I am so sorry!!!
You guys came up with some amazing questions floating around blogland. I am impressed! I didn't forget you. I am still alive. I am still a dd wife (got spanked last night in fact!) :(
Hope you enjoy the little window into our lives I hope these answers offer. Enjoy!
What is the biggest change you have seen in your husband since you started dd? --Betsy
This is such a great question. I have seen so many changes in him. He has certainly thrived in his role as Head of House. One of the greatest changes I have seen is he is more confident, not only in our marriage and relationship, but in all walks of life-- his work, church, all relationships. It is like dd and being the Head of House has unleashed who he truly was-- gave him a platform of confidence.
Is there an implement you guys have yet to use, that you'd like to try? --Kenzie
SC is such an implement junkie, there are quite a few he wants to try. As for me, where is the feathers and pillow implements?!?!?
SC said "I have them all and I use them all." :P Oh, but he said he would like to use a tawse...but alas he does not own one. (and I hope to keep it that way!)
Ok, ok, the spanko side of me is crop curious....I was totally a horse lover growing up...it might be a bit of a fantasy we may have to explore someday. ;) (We did have a sort of crop once, but to me it was more dressage whip-like than crop and it hurt like crazy. I was NOT disappointed when it broke!)
SC has been eyeing this one from Cane-iac. <shudders>
If you could hide one implement and get away with it which would it be? --Kenzie
The big wooden paddle. For sure. No question. Garsh that thing hurts!
How was DD introduced to both of you, and how did you bring it up? Your favorite ice cream flavor? --Jennelle
Well, see, that is an interesting story. I came upon the concept of dd on an online homeschooling forum. Yeah, random huh?!?! When I first opened the thread I thought domestic discipline was along the lines of how to be disciplined in your domestic duties.... you know, like the fly lady! Wow, my google search was NOT what I expected. :P
I was intrigued however, and decided to bring it up to SC in a "hey this could be fun to play around in the bedroom" kind of thing. Somewhere along the line he thought I was asking for it for real (I wasn't!) He asked for a one month trial, I reluctantly agreed-- but after a month we were both believers!
Ice cream? I LOVE Mint Chocolate Chip :)
Where would you go on holiday if expense was no object?
What is your favorite food? --Jan
Oh fun question! I can dream... We have always wanted to go to Barbados or St. Thomas...I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, and an Alaskan cruise is on my Bucket list. :) I love to dream... ;)
Food? hmmm I don't know why but this question is always so hard for me...I love Chinese and Mexican ....
If you could start all over again, are there any changes that you would make? What would they be and why? --EsMay
Yes. I would relax a little more about everything. The perfectionist side of me freaked whenever anything wasn't feeling "perfect." Time works a lot out, and I wish I would have given us the gift of time as we figured things out instead of expecting everything to be perfect when it was still new.
How did you learn to be so tidy and organized? Were you always that way pre DD? --Tiffany
This question totally made me LAUGH. For real, I looked around like, are you talking to me???? I don't think I am tidy or organized...well, except for the homeschool part of me -- that side is impeccably organized most of the time. ;)
SC is much more of a neat freak than I am. Although, I do enjoy a clean house...perhaps since I feel like a slob compared to my mothers expectations growing up, I might be slightly skewed in my perspective. :)
SC said "You've never been tidy and organized in your life." When I complained that was NOT entirely true and asked him if our house is usually clean and who cleans it, he admitted, "Communal space you clean...but your personal space (i.e. my closet!) you don't clean.
Hey, nobody is perfect. ;)
Do you see yourself and your husband still doing dd when you are old. Like seeing yourself over the bed and him spanking you. --Blondie
Hmmmm. . . Thought provoking question...I do hope we are still in a dd/TTWD relationship. It works for us and there are so many benefits. But perhaps I can wish and dream that by the time I am old and gray I will be so perfect I will no longer need to be bent over the bed for punishments??? (A girl can dream right?!?!?)
Again, I am so sorry for the disappearing act, and I promise to get back to blogland!!!
Monday, March 17, 2014
If Disney had the 4 D's
Disobedience
Belle would have never visited the West Wing...
Ariel wouldn't have gone to the surface...
Merida wouldn't have shot her bow and arrow....
Disrespect
Tinkerbell wouldn't have had such an attitude...
Merida would have toned down her "tone"...
Dangerous Behavior
Belle never would not have walked through busy streets with her head in a book . . .
Anna wouldn't have ridden off to the snow covered mountains alone...
Bambi's mom wouldn't have been out in a dangerous pasture and would be alive!
Dishonesty
Mulan wouldn't have lied so she could enter battle...putting herself in a dangerous situation...
Ariel wouldn't have lied repeatedly about where she was, who she was with, what she was doing...in essence risking her life over and over...
Jasmine even lied about being interested in Aladdin...yeah, that can't sabotage a relationship!
I'm sure there are so many more, If Disney did the 4 D's what would have gone differently???
Interested in the idea of fairy tale Disney meets DD? I just read a fun book by Renee Rose, Casey McKay, and Katherine Deane, The Winter Storm: An Ever After Chronicle, that does just that! A little sci-fi meets fairy tale meets spanking lodge. I am normally a "I like the predictable box" stories, but I really enjoyed this one. This genre is not usually my thing, but I was pleasantly surprised. Really! The characters really drew you in and all of the different story lines came together really well. It was super steamy, the characters were extremely likable . . . fairy tales have never been so fun!
This book sparked my interest in "what if Disney movies spanked?" ;) I can totally see how that could play out!
Another outside the box/ not just the same story line was Renee Rose's Held for Ransom. He spanks her, she spanks him, he spanks her more... the power change in the dynamic made it not so predictable. . .(Then again I like predictable so I don't mind!) ;) There may be some power change, but we all know who is in charge! Strong alpha male, and a girl who loves it . . . great read!
One last one! Probably my favorite of these three-- Humbled by Renee Rose. In this book, the tables are turned when a young aristocrat whose grace saved the life of a little boy finds them grown up and her in need of saving. The young man rises to the occasion and isn't afraid to take her in hand to keep her safe. Loved this!
Yeah, its spring break...the Kindle is loaded. I love it!
Belle would have never visited the West Wing...
Ariel wouldn't have gone to the surface...
Merida wouldn't have shot her bow and arrow....
Disrespect
Tinkerbell wouldn't have had such an attitude...
Merida would have toned down her "tone"...
Dangerous Behavior
Belle never would not have walked through busy streets with her head in a book . . .
Anna wouldn't have ridden off to the snow covered mountains alone...
Bambi's mom wouldn't have been out in a dangerous pasture and would be alive!
Dishonesty
Mulan wouldn't have lied so she could enter battle...putting herself in a dangerous situation...
Ariel wouldn't have lied repeatedly about where she was, who she was with, what she was doing...in essence risking her life over and over...
Jasmine even lied about being interested in Aladdin...yeah, that can't sabotage a relationship!
I'm sure there are so many more, If Disney did the 4 D's what would have gone differently???
Interested in the idea of fairy tale Disney meets DD? I just read a fun book by Renee Rose, Casey McKay, and Katherine Deane, The Winter Storm: An Ever After Chronicle, that does just that! A little sci-fi meets fairy tale meets spanking lodge. I am normally a "I like the predictable box" stories, but I really enjoyed this one. This genre is not usually my thing, but I was pleasantly surprised. Really! The characters really drew you in and all of the different story lines came together really well. It was super steamy, the characters were extremely likable . . . fairy tales have never been so fun!
This book sparked my interest in "what if Disney movies spanked?" ;) I can totally see how that could play out!
Another outside the box/ not just the same story line was Renee Rose's Held for Ransom. He spanks her, she spanks him, he spanks her more... the power change in the dynamic made it not so predictable. . .(Then again I like predictable so I don't mind!) ;) There may be some power change, but we all know who is in charge! Strong alpha male, and a girl who loves it . . . great read!
One last one! Probably my favorite of these three-- Humbled by Renee Rose. In this book, the tables are turned when a young aristocrat whose grace saved the life of a little boy finds them grown up and her in need of saving. The young man rises to the occasion and isn't afraid to take her in hand to keep her safe. Loved this!
Yeah, its spring break...the Kindle is loaded. I love it!
Friday, March 14, 2014
Spanked Wives Club Meet Up
OK, so there is no Spanked Wives Club, but there should be. If you are a spanked wife or want to be spanked wife would you like to join??? Camaraderie is an amazing thing...
Last weekend Jennelle from A New Perspective, and Tricia from Love of My Life, Head of the House met up for a girl's weekend. It was awesome!
Day One
We waited for this day FOREVER. I think if we were all honest we doubted it would ever happen. But the day finally arrived. I boarded a plane. The other two girls got in their cars. And in a few hours, we were finally together! A whole weekend, 3 dd wives, and more laughter than you could possibly imagine.
T brought all of her worldly belongings so it was no surprise when her possessions included a firearm, a large cutlery knife, a veggie peeler, and a human organ transplant lunch box.
I seriously thought we would never stop laughing. We all sent a pic of that assortment to our H's and the endless supply of banter about kidney's being ripped out in the middle of the night commenced. I thought my H might be slightly freaked by the pic, but his response?
Woman after my own heart
LOL
We got checked into the hotel, went out to dinner, walked around the mall, and then onto the pool and hot tub at the hotel.
Normal girls night out. Except that our conversation included words like "spanked" "implements" "rules" and "HoH," Our night time conversation turned more intimate....butt plugs, anal sex, toys, restraints.
There were no limits.
We are officially bonded for life.
Day Two
Breakfast at the hotel, off to this ginormous sex store. I think there were three floors. When I told my H where we were going, he laughed so hard! (He has been trying to get me to go for years!) J and I were total sex store virgins and this was quite the experience... although our bedroom has quite a few of the things there so I am no stranger to the contents of the store. ;)
We must have been quite the entertainment for the people who worked there. We were like 3 crazy curious girls showing our semi ignorance with complete abandon.
We had to call my H several times for some advice...which included sending pics of butt plugs and lube. And questions like "do people really use those? How does it fit???"
Always the kind professional, he was patient and kind and did NOT laugh at us at all. Though we laughed enough at ourselves! And we may or may not have tried out a few implements on each other...I mean...quality control right???
The lady at the counter when we were checking out: "Did you find what you were looking for? You were here for a long time." bahahahaha! In other words, we didn't sneak in with a hoodie, discreetly make purchases and fade into the night...
Off to get pedicures. That's a more "normal" girls weekend activity right? Except I am pretty sure if you looked for those nail license pictures, the lady who did mine would not have one...I think she was just someone's grandma...I kept checking for blood! yikes!
Dinner at the Melting Pot (can you call it dinner when it lasts over 3 hours?!?!?), a trip to Wine World, I mean Total Wine...(they actually have wine stores the size of Target...who know?!?!), I had Moscato for the first time. Can I tell you how hilarious some of our conversations that evening were.
J: Cole, are you going to get in trouble if we drink?
Me: No as long as the driver doesn't.
T: How long? Is two hours enough?
J: You better text. Be sure and ask. I don't wanna get spanked because you got in trouble over this.
ohmyword
that night..wine in plastic cups in the hotel room--
J: Are you sure you are allowed?
Me: Yes its fine. OHMY ok, I will text him and let him know so you can stop freaking out.
(I text SC to let him know I am trying Moscato. His response? Do you like it?) I ask J if she is satisfied and we can move on now!
After wine... back to the hot tub.
It is amazing how a conversations can change from submission to homeschooling in .2 seconds....when someone joins you. ;)
We ended our night with a fun phone call from our friend Callie from About US across the pond. I am fairly certain I fell asleep no less than 5 times ... but it was a blast anyway!
Day Three
At breakfast I am fairly certain the man behind us heard me say something about getting spanked. He kept turning around to look at us. And I kept waiting for him to turn around and take pictures. (He didn't!)
Some shopping (found an old rug beater at the Antique store...we left it there...) and lunch at a fun local restaurant and all too soon it was time to head home.
Well not before T realized she left her human organ transplant lunch box in the hotel and we had to call them and have them put it aside for us. When we got there I was surprised that the dude at the counter wasn't wearing gloves the way he handled the lunchbox. He did say the staff had stayed away from the fridge while it was there.
It was seriously the best weekend ever!
Being around like minded friends was amazing. No need to defend your H's obsessive need for you to check in... every time we changed activities we all would do a "text the H check!" To not panic when in front of friends your H requires a "sir" on the phone, or demands you buy something specific at the "toy" store... It was so great to be completely open and know that your friends would all understand. Our goal of the weekend was to get home without having to be spanked upon return. (Almost all of us made that!) ;)
Since starting dd, one of my biggest challenges has been feeling so secretive and not as open and genuine as I have always been...the door to a big area of my life is closed. Hanging out with these ladies was such an amazing blessing. And seriously??? We shared way more than I could have imagined... Do you know how freeing it is to leave the room and NOT panic that someone might peek into your Kindle?!?! Sometimes it's the little things...
So, have any of you had some irl meetups with online or irl dd friends?
Oh, and it's still March Q&A so if you haven't asked a question and want to or have another...I will be answering soon! :)
Last weekend Jennelle from A New Perspective, and Tricia from Love of My Life, Head of the House met up for a girl's weekend. It was awesome!
Day One
We waited for this day FOREVER. I think if we were all honest we doubted it would ever happen. But the day finally arrived. I boarded a plane. The other two girls got in their cars. And in a few hours, we were finally together! A whole weekend, 3 dd wives, and more laughter than you could possibly imagine.
T brought all of her worldly belongings so it was no surprise when her possessions included a firearm, a large cutlery knife, a veggie peeler, and a human organ transplant lunch box.
I seriously thought we would never stop laughing. We all sent a pic of that assortment to our H's and the endless supply of banter about kidney's being ripped out in the middle of the night commenced. I thought my H might be slightly freaked by the pic, but his response?
Woman after my own heart
LOL
We got checked into the hotel, went out to dinner, walked around the mall, and then onto the pool and hot tub at the hotel.
Normal girls night out. Except that our conversation included words like "spanked" "implements" "rules" and "HoH," Our night time conversation turned more intimate....butt plugs, anal sex, toys, restraints.
There were no limits.
We are officially bonded for life.
Day Two
Breakfast at the hotel, off to this ginormous sex store. I think there were three floors. When I told my H where we were going, he laughed so hard! (He has been trying to get me to go for years!) J and I were total sex store virgins and this was quite the experience... although our bedroom has quite a few of the things there so I am no stranger to the contents of the store. ;)
We must have been quite the entertainment for the people who worked there. We were like 3 crazy curious girls showing our semi ignorance with complete abandon.
We had to call my H several times for some advice...which included sending pics of butt plugs and lube. And questions like "do people really use those? How does it fit???"
Always the kind professional, he was patient and kind and did NOT laugh at us at all. Though we laughed enough at ourselves! And we may or may not have tried out a few implements on each other...I mean...quality control right???
The lady at the counter when we were checking out: "Did you find what you were looking for? You were here for a long time." bahahahaha! In other words, we didn't sneak in with a hoodie, discreetly make purchases and fade into the night...
Off to get pedicures. That's a more "normal" girls weekend activity right? Except I am pretty sure if you looked for those nail license pictures, the lady who did mine would not have one...I think she was just someone's grandma...I kept checking for blood! yikes!
Dinner at the Melting Pot (can you call it dinner when it lasts over 3 hours?!?!?), a trip to Wine World, I mean Total Wine...(they actually have wine stores the size of Target...who know?!?!), I had Moscato for the first time. Can I tell you how hilarious some of our conversations that evening were.
J: Cole, are you going to get in trouble if we drink?
Me: No as long as the driver doesn't.
T: How long? Is two hours enough?
J: You better text. Be sure and ask. I don't wanna get spanked because you got in trouble over this.
ohmyword
that night..wine in plastic cups in the hotel room--
J: Are you sure you are allowed?
Me: Yes its fine. OHMY ok, I will text him and let him know so you can stop freaking out.
(I text SC to let him know I am trying Moscato. His response? Do you like it?) I ask J if she is satisfied and we can move on now!
After wine... back to the hot tub.
It is amazing how a conversations can change from submission to homeschooling in .2 seconds....when someone joins you. ;)
We ended our night with a fun phone call from our friend Callie from About US across the pond. I am fairly certain I fell asleep no less than 5 times ... but it was a blast anyway!
Day Three
At breakfast I am fairly certain the man behind us heard me say something about getting spanked. He kept turning around to look at us. And I kept waiting for him to turn around and take pictures. (He didn't!)
Some shopping (found an old rug beater at the Antique store...we left it there...) and lunch at a fun local restaurant and all too soon it was time to head home.
Well not before T realized she left her human organ transplant lunch box in the hotel and we had to call them and have them put it aside for us. When we got there I was surprised that the dude at the counter wasn't wearing gloves the way he handled the lunchbox. He did say the staff had stayed away from the fridge while it was there.
It was seriously the best weekend ever!
Being around like minded friends was amazing. No need to defend your H's obsessive need for you to check in... every time we changed activities we all would do a "text the H check!" To not panic when in front of friends your H requires a "sir" on the phone, or demands you buy something specific at the "toy" store... It was so great to be completely open and know that your friends would all understand. Our goal of the weekend was to get home without having to be spanked upon return. (Almost all of us made that!) ;)
Since starting dd, one of my biggest challenges has been feeling so secretive and not as open and genuine as I have always been...the door to a big area of my life is closed. Hanging out with these ladies was such an amazing blessing. And seriously??? We shared way more than I could have imagined... Do you know how freeing it is to leave the room and NOT panic that someone might peek into your Kindle?!?! Sometimes it's the little things...
So, have any of you had some irl meetups with online or irl dd friends?
Oh, and it's still March Q&A so if you haven't asked a question and want to or have another...I will be answering soon! :)
Thursday, March 6, 2014
It's March....Q&A Month!
I have never participated in March Q&A before...(I had just started blogging last year at this time)...but here I am! Ready and (mostly) willing to answer your questions!
Over my short time in blogland I have so enjoyed getting to know so many of you...and I know there are many readers I have never been blessed to know.
Won't you take a minute and ask a question? Get to know me a little better...I will compile all of your questions and answer them to the best of my ability in a separate blog post.
Let the interrogation begin! Just kidding....I hope! ;)
Thursday, February 27, 2014
The Good News and the Bad News
Have you ever been asked the whether you want the good news or the bad news first? I always like the bad news first. That way you get it out of the way and move on the good news!
So...I have some news. Bad news first?
I got spanked. Ok. A few times. Yeah it stinks...but that's not really much news is it? Seems like I am ALWAYS in trouble.
It's only news because....wait for it....
I went 8 whole days! 8 days!!!! In 19 months of dd I have never made it an entire week. I am so very excited!
I know 8 days isn't much for some, but it feels like a major accomplishment to me. It has taken a long time for dd to just "be a part of life" and not be so all consuming as it is in the beginning...it's been quite a transition for me...but I am working on it. DD is just a part of life at this point. I never thought I would get here.
Of course SC added a rule this week that is going to be nearly impossible for me to do so I doubt this will happen again anytime soon! ;)
So...I have some news. Bad news first?
I got spanked. Ok. A few times. Yeah it stinks...but that's not really much news is it? Seems like I am ALWAYS in trouble.
It's only news because....wait for it....
I went 8 whole days! 8 days!!!! In 19 months of dd I have never made it an entire week. I am so very excited!
I know 8 days isn't much for some, but it feels like a major accomplishment to me. It has taken a long time for dd to just "be a part of life" and not be so all consuming as it is in the beginning...it's been quite a transition for me...but I am working on it. DD is just a part of life at this point. I never thought I would get here.
Of course SC added a rule this week that is going to be nearly impossible for me to do so I doubt this will happen again anytime soon! ;)
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Milestones: A Review
I have the awesome pleasure of getting to share a great new dd anthology, Milestones, with you. The amazing authors of Coming to Terms have teamed up again to bring us another wonderful set of short stories.
Major Changes by Cara Bristol
Major Changes is the story of Cadence Simmons who has to adjust to having her military husband back in her day to day life. The transition from independence proves a struggle, but their foundation in domestic discipline helps them weather the storms and strengthen their marriage.
The Barn by Alta Hensley
The Barn is the story of how a small town girl returns home to her young love. Full of the pain of the past and the hope of the future, Paige Holland finds what she has been looking for with her old flame within the walls of the barn that holds so many memories of the past.
Unmet Desire by Renee Rose
Unmet Desire is the story of one couples battle with infertility. As husband Luis watches his Claire slip further and further away due to infertility, he decides a bootcamp might help.
A Time to Heal by Sue Lyndon
A Time to Heal is a story of love and protection. Stephie has been cancer free for over a year, but her husband Marcus is having a hard time loosening the reigns in her recovery. Stephie struggles with Marcus's overprotection as they cope with how to move forward.
Making it "Write" by Celeste Jones
Jill Carpenter finally gets published. She is thrilled with her new found career, but comes to struggle with life as a spanking fiction author, her struggle with privacy, and the inability to share her successes with those around her.
The First Submission by Anastasia Vitsky
Karie and Sori are faced with the duties of their kingdom and find themselves in an arranged marriage. Karie longs for adventure and Sori is clueless in her role as disciplinarian. The First Submission is their story as they try to make this unlikely union work. (F/F)
October Something by Jade Cary
Kate and Jack Barrington are about to celebrate ten years of marriage...unless the divorce goes through first. As their marriage is in shambles, Jack surprises Kate at their cabin and introduces her to that which just might save their marriage-- domestic discipline.
I very much enjoyed these stories, although as the authors do such a great job, I am always so disappointed when they end much too quickly! (Such is the nature of a short story I suppose . . .) This anthology touched on a few not so common dd topics such as infertility, chronic illness, boot camp, and a "Spanko's" secret life which made it even more interesting.
All of theses authors write incredibly well and draw you into the story-- realistic characters with interesting plots, and plenty of spanking. It was a great read!
*In the interest of full disclosure, I did receive a copy of this book for my honest review.
Major Changes by Cara Bristol
Major Changes is the story of Cadence Simmons who has to adjust to having her military husband back in her day to day life. The transition from independence proves a struggle, but their foundation in domestic discipline helps them weather the storms and strengthen their marriage.
The Barn by Alta Hensley
The Barn is the story of how a small town girl returns home to her young love. Full of the pain of the past and the hope of the future, Paige Holland finds what she has been looking for with her old flame within the walls of the barn that holds so many memories of the past.
Unmet Desire by Renee Rose
Unmet Desire is the story of one couples battle with infertility. As husband Luis watches his Claire slip further and further away due to infertility, he decides a bootcamp might help.
A Time to Heal by Sue Lyndon
A Time to Heal is a story of love and protection. Stephie has been cancer free for over a year, but her husband Marcus is having a hard time loosening the reigns in her recovery. Stephie struggles with Marcus's overprotection as they cope with how to move forward.
Making it "Write" by Celeste Jones
Jill Carpenter finally gets published. She is thrilled with her new found career, but comes to struggle with life as a spanking fiction author, her struggle with privacy, and the inability to share her successes with those around her.
The First Submission by Anastasia Vitsky
Karie and Sori are faced with the duties of their kingdom and find themselves in an arranged marriage. Karie longs for adventure and Sori is clueless in her role as disciplinarian. The First Submission is their story as they try to make this unlikely union work. (F/F)
October Something by Jade Cary
Kate and Jack Barrington are about to celebrate ten years of marriage...unless the divorce goes through first. As their marriage is in shambles, Jack surprises Kate at their cabin and introduces her to that which just might save their marriage-- domestic discipline.
I very much enjoyed these stories, although as the authors do such a great job, I am always so disappointed when they end much too quickly! (Such is the nature of a short story I suppose . . .) This anthology touched on a few not so common dd topics such as infertility, chronic illness, boot camp, and a "Spanko's" secret life which made it even more interesting.
All of theses authors write incredibly well and draw you into the story-- realistic characters with interesting plots, and plenty of spanking. It was a great read!
Get your copy at Amazon today! Milestones
*In the interest of full disclosure, I did receive a copy of this book for my honest review.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Dear HoH on Valentine's Day
Dearest HoH,
Today is Valentine's Day. A day to express love and friendship. Every year we exchange gifts and cards and tell each other how much we love each other, how precious our relationship is. This is true. But you see, this year I don't have a fancy card or a special gift, but I hope that every day I have expressed to you my love, respect, and admiration for you.
I don't always do a great job of showing my love and respect. I sass you too often and argue too much. I roll my eyes and shake my head and too often disappoint.
However, my love, as much as I too often fail to show the heights of my love, respect, and honor for you...I hope that I show it more than I don't. Because while I may not have chocolates or candy, I gift you something so much more...
Every time you call me and I come . . .
Every time I lower my eyes in respect . . .
Every time I kneel before you . . .
Every time I crawl across the bed at your command. . .
Every time I place myself over your lap . . .
Or over the bed . . .
Every time I don't rip an implement out of your hand or stand up or cover . . .
Every moment I stand alone in a corner . . .
Every time I call you Sir . . .
Every time I offer my body as yours . . .
Every time you touch me body and soul in unspeakable places. . .
Every time I don't refuse and only blush . . .
Every time I make myself vulnerable and emotional when I would rather stay closed . . .
Every respectful word uttered while I am angry . . .
You see, sir, I gift you me. My body, my love, my submission.
I will always and forever be,
YOURS
Today is Valentine's Day. A day to express love and friendship. Every year we exchange gifts and cards and tell each other how much we love each other, how precious our relationship is. This is true. But you see, this year I don't have a fancy card or a special gift, but I hope that every day I have expressed to you my love, respect, and admiration for you.
I don't always do a great job of showing my love and respect. I sass you too often and argue too much. I roll my eyes and shake my head and too often disappoint.
However, my love, as much as I too often fail to show the heights of my love, respect, and honor for you...I hope that I show it more than I don't. Because while I may not have chocolates or candy, I gift you something so much more...
Every time you call me and I come . . .
Every time I lower my eyes in respect . . .
Every time I kneel before you . . .
Every time I crawl across the bed at your command. . .
Every time I place myself over your lap . . .
Or over the bed . . .
Every time I don't rip an implement out of your hand or stand up or cover . . .
Every moment I stand alone in a corner . . .
Every time I offer my body as yours . . .
Every time you touch me body and soul in unspeakable places. . .
Every time I don't refuse and only blush . . .
Every time I make myself vulnerable and emotional when I would rather stay closed . . .
Every respectful word uttered while I am angry . . .
I will always and forever be,
YOURS
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Physical vs. Emotional Submission
Submission.
A word that holds so much meaning.
It's the cornerstone of our roles as dd wives. I am a submissive wife.
Well, I want to be.
I try to be.
Sometimes, I really, really try.
And sometimes, I fail.
Sometimes I fail because I am too independent. Too stubborn. Too opinionated.
Sometimes I fail because, well, I have no idea. I don't always know why I am not "feeling" submissive.
One of my complaints about this lifestyle from the beginning is while it seems all about the "behaviors," it is really all about the "feelings" the "emotions."
If I don't "feel submissive" SC will do maintenance or R/A until I "feel' submissive again.
I obey not out of fear of punishment, but because I want to please him and obey him. Yes, sometimes I don't do something because I know I will be punished for it, but the pain of the punishment itself is not what motivates me. When I don't "feel" it, I tend to brat and act out. He catches it (sometimes earlier and sometimes not!) and brings me back around.
It's all about the feelings.
Spanking makes me "feel" submissive.
But, sometimes, I don't feel it.
Sometimes I don't feel submissive because SC has messed up, and I feel disappointed, let down, or guarded.
That is where I have been this week. Through a series of not huge mistakes and some hurtful words, I was feeling guarded. I felt distrustful and the stones around my heart were growing into a castle size wall.
We finally talked and he decided on a Reset to get me back in the right frame of mind (i.e. submissive).
I was nervous.
Resets, unlike maintenance or Role Affirmation are usually long. and hard. and awful. They take me past my limits. Break down any walls, always make me cry (and often more).
Resets tear down the defenses and while I am so much better afterwards, the process is HARD.
I wanted to be back and truly hoped for that reconnection that always comes from a Reset.
Whenever I am spanked, SC has a ritual in his lecture when he is "done."
Whose in charge?
You are
What's your role?
To submit
Will you submit to me in all things?
yes sir
The first two questions are easy. I KNOW the answer, I accept the answer.
The last one. Not so easy. If I am feeling submissive, it is no problem. But when I am not-- I cannot lie. I cannot say yes when my heart is saying no.
I choose submission every day.
I choose to obey the rules (I try! Really)
I obey as he tells me to get over the bed or over his lap.
I choose to obey. But submitting is more than obedience. Submitting is a condition of the heart.
When he asks me if I will submit in all things. Sometimes I cannot say yes.
I never say no. Sometimes I am silent. Sometimes I say I am trying. Sometimes I say I want to.
After a long spanking the other night, I was close.
Very close.
He asked, "will you submit to me in all things?"
"I want to"
He continued spanking.
I had been very far gone so getting there was not pleasant. The walls had been high and hard to tear down. But I knew I was close to the damn breaking. And then instead of the emotional release, the condition of my bum made SC do an all stop.
First, let me say, my HoH was 100% right to stop. He is definitely the H, and I totally respect him, and I would not want him to continue if he thought it was past the point of "safe."
But all that said...I was soooo close. And didn't get there.
The next day I tried really hard to cling to whatever submissive feelings I had rediscovered the night before. I tried hard.
And then it happened.
Another disagreement. Another fight. I tried hard to be respectful. To not yell like I used to. I think I did pretty well. But I was upset with the way he handled it. The walls went back up. Trust which had only begun to once again take root, had been easily ripped away by the tides of harsh words.
We were supposed to have part 2 of the Reset that night, and H declared I "wasn't ready" for it. That we would need to wait until we could work more stuff out and be in a better place.
At that point, I lost it.
I felt like he was giving up on me. I felt like that horrible horrible spanking from the night before was absolutely futile. worthless. for nothing.
We talked the next morning. He had apologized. I still was so far. He decided to spank me.
It was in the morning and the kids were awake, so he used a "quiet" implement. The Terror. It lives up to its name.
I obeyed.
I went over his lap.
I physically submitted.
No warm up (he didn't want the noise because of the kids).
And he spanked. And spanked. And spanked some more.
He spanked hard.
I was trying to be quiet because of the kids. I begged him to stop.
He just said, "I want my submissive wife back."
He kept asking, "will you submit to me in all things?"
I knew that with two words I could end it all. I could end the assault to my poor posterior.
But my heart was not submitting. I was trying. But I was not completely surrendered.
It's like my heart goes in stages. These stages are the most evident during a spanking.
When my heart is yelling: I hate this, I hate you. Why are you doing this?!?! -- I am FAR.
Then my hearts softens and get to the point where I begin to submit. I even begin to "yes sir" in my head, but I am not quite ready to verbalize that.
And then finally, the verbal proverbial "yes sir" is uttered from my lips and that means submission is no longer physical but emotional, it's not just coming from my lips, but from my heart.
We don't always get there in one spanking. Sometimes it takes a few. Like this time. I didn't get there. If he knows I am not going to be able to get there he will ask, "Do you want to submit to me in all things?" to which I can always affirmatively answer.
When he asks "will you submit to me in all things?" I want my heart not just my voice to answer "yes sir."
I am not all there right now. I am physically submitting, and I am even verbalizing the "yes sir" much of the time...because well, my bum is 50 shades of purple...I am not an idiot! ;)
He called off last nights part 3 due to the condition of my bum. Part 3 was rescheduled for tonight.
My stomach lurches at the thought. I want to submit...all of me. I submit physically to this because I know it facilitates emotional submission.
When I don't feel it, I can't fake it. I don't want to fake it.
For me, physical submission is not the goal. Emotional submission -- submission from the heart is the treasured goal. And while the journey there is often difficult and long. It is worth it.
A word that holds so much meaning.
It's the cornerstone of our roles as dd wives. I am a submissive wife.
Well, I want to be.
I try to be.
Sometimes, I really, really try.
And sometimes, I fail.
Sometimes I fail because I am too independent. Too stubborn. Too opinionated.
Sometimes I fail because, well, I have no idea. I don't always know why I am not "feeling" submissive.
One of my complaints about this lifestyle from the beginning is while it seems all about the "behaviors," it is really all about the "feelings" the "emotions."
If I don't "feel submissive" SC will do maintenance or R/A until I "feel' submissive again.
I obey not out of fear of punishment, but because I want to please him and obey him. Yes, sometimes I don't do something because I know I will be punished for it, but the pain of the punishment itself is not what motivates me. When I don't "feel" it, I tend to brat and act out. He catches it (sometimes earlier and sometimes not!) and brings me back around.
It's all about the feelings.
Spanking makes me "feel" submissive.
But, sometimes, I don't feel it.
Sometimes I don't feel submissive because SC has messed up, and I feel disappointed, let down, or guarded.
That is where I have been this week. Through a series of not huge mistakes and some hurtful words, I was feeling guarded. I felt distrustful and the stones around my heart were growing into a castle size wall.
We finally talked and he decided on a Reset to get me back in the right frame of mind (i.e. submissive).
I was nervous.
Resets, unlike maintenance or Role Affirmation are usually long. and hard. and awful. They take me past my limits. Break down any walls, always make me cry (and often more).
Resets tear down the defenses and while I am so much better afterwards, the process is HARD.
I wanted to be back and truly hoped for that reconnection that always comes from a Reset.
Whenever I am spanked, SC has a ritual in his lecture when he is "done."
Whose in charge?
You are
What's your role?
To submit
Will you submit to me in all things?
yes sir
The first two questions are easy. I KNOW the answer, I accept the answer.
The last one. Not so easy. If I am feeling submissive, it is no problem. But when I am not-- I cannot lie. I cannot say yes when my heart is saying no.
I choose submission every day.
I choose to obey the rules (I try! Really)
I obey as he tells me to get over the bed or over his lap.
I choose to obey. But submitting is more than obedience. Submitting is a condition of the heart.
When he asks me if I will submit in all things. Sometimes I cannot say yes.
I never say no. Sometimes I am silent. Sometimes I say I am trying. Sometimes I say I want to.
After a long spanking the other night, I was close.
Very close.
He asked, "will you submit to me in all things?"
"I want to"
He continued spanking.
I had been very far gone so getting there was not pleasant. The walls had been high and hard to tear down. But I knew I was close to the damn breaking. And then instead of the emotional release, the condition of my bum made SC do an all stop.
First, let me say, my HoH was 100% right to stop. He is definitely the H, and I totally respect him, and I would not want him to continue if he thought it was past the point of "safe."
But all that said...I was soooo close. And didn't get there.
The next day I tried really hard to cling to whatever submissive feelings I had rediscovered the night before. I tried hard.
And then it happened.
Another disagreement. Another fight. I tried hard to be respectful. To not yell like I used to. I think I did pretty well. But I was upset with the way he handled it. The walls went back up. Trust which had only begun to once again take root, had been easily ripped away by the tides of harsh words.
We were supposed to have part 2 of the Reset that night, and H declared I "wasn't ready" for it. That we would need to wait until we could work more stuff out and be in a better place.
At that point, I lost it.
I felt like he was giving up on me. I felt like that horrible horrible spanking from the night before was absolutely futile. worthless. for nothing.
We talked the next morning. He had apologized. I still was so far. He decided to spank me.
It was in the morning and the kids were awake, so he used a "quiet" implement. The Terror. It lives up to its name.
I obeyed.
I went over his lap.
I physically submitted.
No warm up (he didn't want the noise because of the kids).
And he spanked. And spanked. And spanked some more.
He spanked hard.
I was trying to be quiet because of the kids. I begged him to stop.
He just said, "I want my submissive wife back."
He kept asking, "will you submit to me in all things?"
I knew that with two words I could end it all. I could end the assault to my poor posterior.
But my heart was not submitting. I was trying. But I was not completely surrendered.
It's like my heart goes in stages. These stages are the most evident during a spanking.
When my heart is yelling: I hate this, I hate you. Why are you doing this?!?! -- I am FAR.
Then my hearts softens and get to the point where I begin to submit. I even begin to "yes sir" in my head, but I am not quite ready to verbalize that.
And then finally, the verbal proverbial "yes sir" is uttered from my lips and that means submission is no longer physical but emotional, it's not just coming from my lips, but from my heart.
We don't always get there in one spanking. Sometimes it takes a few. Like this time. I didn't get there. If he knows I am not going to be able to get there he will ask, "Do you want to submit to me in all things?" to which I can always affirmatively answer.
When he asks "will you submit to me in all things?" I want my heart not just my voice to answer "yes sir."
I am not all there right now. I am physically submitting, and I am even verbalizing the "yes sir" much of the time...because well, my bum is 50 shades of purple...I am not an idiot! ;)
He called off last nights part 3 due to the condition of my bum. Part 3 was rescheduled for tonight.
My stomach lurches at the thought. I want to submit...all of me. I submit physically to this because I know it facilitates emotional submission.
When I don't feel it, I can't fake it. I don't want to fake it.
For me, physical submission is not the goal. Emotional submission -- submission from the heart is the treasured goal. And while the journey there is often difficult and long. It is worth it.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Playfulness or Disrespect?
A very common complaint in the dd community is finding the balance between playfulness and disrespect.
Around here it might go something like this.
I swat SC with the kitchen rag. He turns around and swats me harder. I giggle swat him back, stick my tongue out at him... and before you know it I am bent over a counter getting more than I ever intended for crossing that imaginary (always moving) line.
I have a very "sanguine" personality. I like to laugh, and play, and push limits. I push limits not because I want to disrespect or make my husband angry, but because I find it fun.
SC has quite the opposite personality. He is very "melancholy" -- very orderly and serious. (It's amazing he married me! Or that I don't regularly drive him batty!) He will often "play" around with me, but his line in the sand is often in what I would consider weird places...as in, I would have never thought (or realized) that it would be considered disrespect.
Now there are some things that I have learned in the last 17 or so months will make him mad enough to at least give "serious" as in not playful swats-- sticking my tongue out at him (I still don't know why I do that...), pinching him, rolling my eyes...those are just a few.
Swatting him is minimally tolerated. As in, he doesn't like it but will just swat back harder every time. I play the game. It makes me laugh even though I know I am getting much much worse than I am giving. There is a point that crosses the line with this...or with playing around in other areas as well.
I am pretty sensitive, and this caused a problem or awhile. I would play hard and he would play back and then all of a sudden he was angry and I was in trouble. I am sure it wasn't all of a sudden for him, but I was totally missing the warning signs. You know, it's all fun and games until someone gets spanked!
And because I am sensitive I would get my feelings hurt. I didn't intend or want to make him angry or to cross the line into disrespect, but sometimes the line isn't so obvious to me.
In the beginning it was even worse. Whenever I would play around and he would "let it go" I was thinking he was being inconsistent. Then when he would be consistent and punish every time, I would think, wait! I miss being playful! I don't want to change who I am!
And then sometimes I would play to get a rise out of him...to test the limits on purpose to be sure he was being consistent-- bratting.
Needless to say, it was a mess!
One thing that helped initially was that he would swat every time. Playing or not. Okay or not. This established that even in messing around or being playful, he was still the HoH.
Bartting is not allowed. At all. I am expected to communicate with him any need for R/A or maintenance, or any need I may have. Bratting gets me spanked...way harder than anything I would have initially needed to be set straight.
A few months ago we came up with a new plan to add to this. Something so silly, but it has made all the difference. I can play and be silly (he swats back hard still!) but when he has had enough or I have crossed the line he simply says my name. That is an all stop. It keeps me from having my feelings hurt since it is gentle and discrete, but it also keeps it from going to far.
It has made a huge difference for us. I need to be able to play, and I need to have that sassy part of my personality be a part in our relationship, but I really don't want to disrespect him or make him angry...this has helped establish the line. Since the line moves, at least he can tell me now without me getting hurt or upset!
Around here it might go something like this.
I swat SC with the kitchen rag. He turns around and swats me harder. I giggle swat him back, stick my tongue out at him... and before you know it I am bent over a counter getting more than I ever intended for crossing that imaginary (always moving) line.
I have a very "sanguine" personality. I like to laugh, and play, and push limits. I push limits not because I want to disrespect or make my husband angry, but because I find it fun.
SC has quite the opposite personality. He is very "melancholy" -- very orderly and serious. (It's amazing he married me! Or that I don't regularly drive him batty!) He will often "play" around with me, but his line in the sand is often in what I would consider weird places...as in, I would have never thought (or realized) that it would be considered disrespect.
Now there are some things that I have learned in the last 17 or so months will make him mad enough to at least give "serious" as in not playful swats-- sticking my tongue out at him (I still don't know why I do that...), pinching him, rolling my eyes...those are just a few.
Swatting him is minimally tolerated. As in, he doesn't like it but will just swat back harder every time. I play the game. It makes me laugh even though I know I am getting much much worse than I am giving. There is a point that crosses the line with this...or with playing around in other areas as well.
I am pretty sensitive, and this caused a problem or awhile. I would play hard and he would play back and then all of a sudden he was angry and I was in trouble. I am sure it wasn't all of a sudden for him, but I was totally missing the warning signs. You know, it's all fun and games until someone gets spanked!
And because I am sensitive I would get my feelings hurt. I didn't intend or want to make him angry or to cross the line into disrespect, but sometimes the line isn't so obvious to me.
In the beginning it was even worse. Whenever I would play around and he would "let it go" I was thinking he was being inconsistent. Then when he would be consistent and punish every time, I would think, wait! I miss being playful! I don't want to change who I am!
And then sometimes I would play to get a rise out of him...to test the limits on purpose to be sure he was being consistent-- bratting.
Needless to say, it was a mess!
One thing that helped initially was that he would swat every time. Playing or not. Okay or not. This established that even in messing around or being playful, he was still the HoH.
Bartting is not allowed. At all. I am expected to communicate with him any need for R/A or maintenance, or any need I may have. Bratting gets me spanked...way harder than anything I would have initially needed to be set straight.
A few months ago we came up with a new plan to add to this. Something so silly, but it has made all the difference. I can play and be silly (he swats back hard still!) but when he has had enough or I have crossed the line he simply says my name. That is an all stop. It keeps me from having my feelings hurt since it is gentle and discrete, but it also keeps it from going to far.
It has made a huge difference for us. I need to be able to play, and I need to have that sassy part of my personality be a part in our relationship, but I really don't want to disrespect him or make him angry...this has helped establish the line. Since the line moves, at least he can tell me now without me getting hurt or upset!
Friday, January 17, 2014
Levels of Distancing
I have been planning for weeks to do a New Year's post...You know: New Years, New Rules, etc...but I have put it off so long I am moving on!
I have missed you all!
I had a rough week...My H was out of town this week, and I was in a rough place emotionally.... emotional conversations with family members, kids acting out, not feeling well, add a hormone or two and well yeah, it got ugly. I got ugly. And the worst part? I didn't care.
OK. Maybe I did care. I mean, I knew I would be in trouble. And sheesh, punishments HURT!!! I wasn't interested in that...but emotionally I was shutting down. There was a disconnect between what I knew I needed to do and what I was feeling capable of.
The week didn't go well. I was a mess, yelled way too much, and broke the "new" New Year's rule (not to eat when I am not hungry) way too many times-- (emotional eater that I am!)
He came home today. I knew I would be spanked, and I knew it was going to be rough so I went ahead and made arrangements for the kids to elsewhere so we could have a "date night" that started at home...
I missed him to much. And yet, I couldn't help the sassy attitude and disrespect that kept slipping out. I was in a bad place.
The 5th D. Many of us are well acquainted with this d, and may even be spanked for it occasionally...
When I am emotionally distanced, I don't seek to please him. I don't desire or even pretend to want to submit to him. He always brings me back, but the farther gone I am the "harder and longer" it takes to get me back.
We have a little code.
"I'm floating" This is code for-- I sense the warning signs of me wanting to distance. Please call me back! I am not bratting here, but the thoughts are crossing my mind. It is a warning for him that I need him to pull me back fast. Usually maintenance or RA is needed.
"I'm sailing" This is the step after "floating." I am drifting. I don't just feel myself pulling away, I am pulling away. I may begin to test or brat. I am not fully gone, but it's coming...my ship is sailing!
"I'm soaring" For when I am totally gone. Distanced. Disconnected. Reconnection is desperately needed and it is not going to be a pleasant experience. This is not a fun place to be, and while it doesn't happen often... it does happen if either I don't wave the white flag and warn him when I am "floating" or "sailing" or if he doesn't notice on his own (which I wait for sometimes...I mean he should see me floating right?!?!) ok. ok. I know he can't read minds....but eye rolls and defiant body language??? OK yeah, I know I am a brat...but when I am soaring I just can't help it!!! When I am soaring, I like to think I look like this--
But in reality... I am more like this--
And I am headed here if SC doesn't intervene--
When SC got home today he recognized my attitude right away. (I mean who wouldn't... I was a sassy mess.) He gave me that look and asked, "soaring?"
I looked at him. Shook my head and said "Soaring? Oh No. I am MIA."
Sometimes, you are so far gone you don't even want to think about what will bring you back!!! Thankfully, thinking about that is not my job. It's SC's. And he takes it very seriously. (As my sore bum can attest to.)
He brought me right back to him where I belong. No it was not fun. It was not pleasant. It HURT! But as my sore bottom rubbed up against him after, and my heart longed to submit once again....I remember why we do this. And why distancing is the 5th "D."
I have missed you all!
I had a rough week...My H was out of town this week, and I was in a rough place emotionally.... emotional conversations with family members, kids acting out, not feeling well, add a hormone or two and well yeah, it got ugly. I got ugly. And the worst part? I didn't care.
OK. Maybe I did care. I mean, I knew I would be in trouble. And sheesh, punishments HURT!!! I wasn't interested in that...but emotionally I was shutting down. There was a disconnect between what I knew I needed to do and what I was feeling capable of.
The week didn't go well. I was a mess, yelled way too much, and broke the "new" New Year's rule (not to eat when I am not hungry) way too many times-- (emotional eater that I am!)
He came home today. I knew I would be spanked, and I knew it was going to be rough so I went ahead and made arrangements for the kids to elsewhere so we could have a "date night" that started at home...
I missed him to much. And yet, I couldn't help the sassy attitude and disrespect that kept slipping out. I was in a bad place.
The 5th D. Many of us are well acquainted with this d, and may even be spanked for it occasionally...
When I am emotionally distanced, I don't seek to please him. I don't desire or even pretend to want to submit to him. He always brings me back, but the farther gone I am the "harder and longer" it takes to get me back.
We have a little code.
"I'm floating" This is code for-- I sense the warning signs of me wanting to distance. Please call me back! I am not bratting here, but the thoughts are crossing my mind. It is a warning for him that I need him to pull me back fast. Usually maintenance or RA is needed.
"I'm sailing" This is the step after "floating." I am drifting. I don't just feel myself pulling away, I am pulling away. I may begin to test or brat. I am not fully gone, but it's coming...my ship is sailing!
"I'm soaring" For when I am totally gone. Distanced. Disconnected. Reconnection is desperately needed and it is not going to be a pleasant experience. This is not a fun place to be, and while it doesn't happen often... it does happen if either I don't wave the white flag and warn him when I am "floating" or "sailing" or if he doesn't notice on his own (which I wait for sometimes...I mean he should see me floating right?!?!) ok. ok. I know he can't read minds....but eye rolls and defiant body language??? OK yeah, I know I am a brat...but when I am soaring I just can't help it!!! When I am soaring, I like to think I look like this--
But in reality... I am more like this--
And I am headed here if SC doesn't intervene--
When SC got home today he recognized my attitude right away. (I mean who wouldn't... I was a sassy mess.) He gave me that look and asked, "soaring?"
I looked at him. Shook my head and said "Soaring? Oh No. I am MIA."
Sometimes, you are so far gone you don't even want to think about what will bring you back!!! Thankfully, thinking about that is not my job. It's SC's. And he takes it very seriously. (As my sore bum can attest to.)
He brought me right back to him where I belong. No it was not fun. It was not pleasant. It HURT! But as my sore bottom rubbed up against him after, and my heart longed to submit once again....I remember why we do this. And why distancing is the 5th "D."
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