I have been planning for weeks to do a New Year's post...You know: New Years, New Rules, etc...but I have put it off so long I am moving on!
I have missed you all!
I had a rough week...My H was out of town this week, and I was in a rough place emotionally.... emotional conversations with family members, kids acting out, not feeling well, add a hormone or two and well yeah, it got ugly. I got ugly. And the worst part? I didn't care.
OK. Maybe I did care. I mean, I knew I would be in trouble. And sheesh, punishments HURT!!! I wasn't interested in that...but emotionally I was shutting down. There was a disconnect between what I knew I needed to do and what I was feeling capable of.
The week didn't go well. I was a mess, yelled way too much, and broke the "new" New Year's rule (not to eat when I am not hungry) way too many times-- (emotional eater that I am!)
He came home today. I knew I would be spanked, and I knew it was going to be rough so I went ahead and made arrangements for the kids to elsewhere so we could have a "date night" that started at home...
I missed him to much. And yet, I couldn't help the sassy attitude and disrespect that kept slipping out. I was in a bad place.
The 5th D. Many of us are well acquainted with this d, and may even be spanked for it occasionally...
When I am emotionally distanced, I don't seek to please him. I don't desire or even pretend to want to submit to him. He always brings me back, but the farther gone I am the "harder and longer" it takes to get me back.
We have a little code.
"I'm floating" This is code for-- I sense the warning signs of me wanting to distance. Please call me back! I am not bratting here, but the thoughts are crossing my mind. It is a warning for him that I need him to pull me back fast. Usually maintenance or RA is needed.
"I'm sailing" This is the step after "floating." I am drifting. I don't just feel myself pulling away, I am pulling away. I may begin to test or brat. I am not fully gone, but it's coming...my ship is sailing!
"I'm soaring" For when I am totally gone. Distanced. Disconnected. Reconnection is desperately needed and it is not going to be a pleasant experience. This is not a fun place to be, and while it doesn't happen often... it does happen if either I don't wave the white flag and warn him when I am "floating" or "sailing" or if he doesn't notice on his own (which I wait for sometimes...I mean he should see me floating right?!?!) ok. ok. I know he can't read minds....but eye rolls and defiant body language??? OK yeah, I know I am a brat...but when I am soaring I just can't help it!!! When I am soaring, I like to think I look like this--
But in reality... I am more like this--
And I am headed here if SC doesn't intervene--
When SC got home today he recognized my attitude right away. (I mean who wouldn't... I was a sassy mess.) He gave me that look and asked, "soaring?"
I looked at him. Shook my head and said "Soaring? Oh No. I am MIA."
Sometimes, you are so far gone you don't even want to think about what will bring you back!!! Thankfully, thinking about that is not my job. It's SC's. And he takes it very seriously. (As my sore bum can attest to.)
He brought me right back to him where I belong. No it was not fun. It was not pleasant. It HURT! But as my sore bottom rubbed up against him after, and my heart longed to submit once again....I remember why we do this. And why distancing is the 5th "D."