A word that holds so much meaning.
It's the cornerstone of our roles as dd wives. I am a submissive wife.
Well, I want to be.
I try to be.
Sometimes, I really, really try.
And sometimes, I fail.
Sometimes I fail because I am too independent. Too stubborn. Too opinionated.
Sometimes I fail because, well, I have no idea. I don't always know why I am not "feeling" submissive.
One of my complaints about this lifestyle from the beginning is while it seems all about the "behaviors," it is really all about the "feelings" the "emotions."
If I don't "feel submissive" SC will do maintenance or R/A until I "feel' submissive again.
I obey not out of fear of punishment, but because I want to please him and obey him. Yes, sometimes I don't do something because I know I will be punished for it, but the pain of the punishment itself is not what motivates me. When I don't "feel" it, I tend to brat and act out. He catches it (sometimes earlier and sometimes not!) and brings me back around.
It's all about the feelings.
Spanking makes me "feel" submissive.
But, sometimes, I don't feel it.
Sometimes I don't feel submissive because SC has messed up, and I feel disappointed, let down, or guarded.
That is where I have been this week. Through a series of not huge mistakes and some hurtful words, I was feeling guarded. I felt distrustful and the stones around my heart were growing into a castle size wall.
We finally talked and he decided on a Reset to get me back in the right frame of mind (i.e. submissive).
I was nervous.
Resets, unlike maintenance or Role Affirmation are usually long. and hard. and awful. They take me past my limits. Break down any walls, always make me cry (and often more).
Resets tear down the defenses and while I am so much better afterwards, the process is HARD.
I wanted to be back and truly hoped for that reconnection that always comes from a Reset.
Whenever I am spanked, SC has a ritual in his lecture when he is "done."
Whose in charge?
What's your role?
Will you submit to me in all things?
The first two questions are easy. I KNOW the answer, I accept the answer.
The last one. Not so easy. If I am feeling submissive, it is no problem. But when I am not-- I cannot lie. I cannot say yes when my heart is saying no.
I choose submission every day.
I choose to obey the rules (I try! Really)
I obey as he tells me to get over the bed or over his lap.
I choose to obey. But submitting is more than obedience. Submitting is a condition of the heart.
When he asks me if I will submit in all things. Sometimes I cannot say yes.
I never say no. Sometimes I am silent. Sometimes I say I am trying. Sometimes I say I want to.
After a long spanking the other night, I was close.
He asked, "will you submit to me in all things?"
"I want to"
He continued spanking.
I had been very far gone so getting there was not pleasant. The walls had been high and hard to tear down. But I knew I was close to the damn breaking. And then instead of the emotional release, the condition of my bum made SC do an all stop.
First, let me say, my HoH was 100% right to stop. He is definitely the H, and I totally respect him, and I would not want him to continue if he thought it was past the point of "safe."
But all that said...I was soooo close. And didn't get there.
The next day I tried really hard to cling to whatever submissive feelings I had rediscovered the night before. I tried hard.
And then it happened.
Another disagreement. Another fight. I tried hard to be respectful. To not yell like I used to. I think I did pretty well. But I was upset with the way he handled it. The walls went back up. Trust which had only begun to once again take root, had been easily ripped away by the tides of harsh words.
We were supposed to have part 2 of the Reset that night, and H declared I "wasn't ready" for it. That we would need to wait until we could work more stuff out and be in a better place.
At that point, I lost it.
I felt like he was giving up on me. I felt like that horrible horrible spanking from the night before was absolutely futile. worthless. for nothing.
We talked the next morning. He had apologized. I still was so far. He decided to spank me.
It was in the morning and the kids were awake, so he used a "quiet" implement. The Terror. It lives up to its name.
I went over his lap.
I physically submitted.
No warm up (he didn't want the noise because of the kids).
And he spanked. And spanked. And spanked some more.
He spanked hard.
I was trying to be quiet because of the kids. I begged him to stop.
He just said, "I want my submissive wife back."
He kept asking, "will you submit to me in all things?"
I knew that with two words I could end it all. I could end the assault to my poor posterior.
But my heart was not submitting. I was trying. But I was not completely surrendered.
It's like my heart goes in stages. These stages are the most evident during a spanking.
When my heart is yelling: I hate this, I hate you. Why are you doing this?!?! -- I am FAR.
Then my hearts softens and get to the point where I begin to submit. I even begin to "yes sir" in my head, but I am not quite ready to verbalize that.
And then finally, the verbal proverbial "yes sir" is uttered from my lips and that means submission is no longer physical but emotional, it's not just coming from my lips, but from my heart.
We don't always get there in one spanking. Sometimes it takes a few. Like this time. I didn't get there. If he knows I am not going to be able to get there he will ask, "Do you want to submit to me in all things?" to which I can always affirmatively answer.
When he asks "will you submit to me in all things?" I want my heart not just my voice to answer "yes sir."
I am not all there right now. I am physically submitting, and I am even verbalizing the "yes sir" much of the time...because well, my bum is 50 shades of purple...I am not an idiot! ;)
He called off last nights part 3 due to the condition of my bum. Part 3 was rescheduled for tonight.
My stomach lurches at the thought. I want to submit...all of me. I submit physically to this because I know it facilitates emotional submission.
When I don't feel it, I can't fake it. I don't want to fake it.
For me, physical submission is not the goal. Emotional submission -- submission from the heart is the treasured goal. And while the journey there is often difficult and long. It is worth it.