Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Physical vs. Emotional Submission

Submission.

A word that holds so much meaning.

It's the cornerstone of our roles as dd wives. I am a submissive wife.

Well, I want to be.

I try to be.

Sometimes, I really, really try.

And sometimes, I fail.

Sometimes I fail because I am too independent. Too stubborn. Too opinionated.

Sometimes I fail because, well, I have no idea. I don't always know why I am not "feeling" submissive.

One of my complaints about this lifestyle from the beginning is while it seems all about the "behaviors," it is really all about the "feelings" the "emotions."

If I don't "feel submissive" SC will do maintenance or R/A until I "feel' submissive again.

I obey not out of fear of punishment, but because I want to please him and obey him. Yes, sometimes I don't do something because I know I will be punished for it, but the pain of the punishment itself is not what motivates me. When I don't "feel" it, I tend to brat and act out. He catches it (sometimes earlier and sometimes not!) and brings me back around.

It's all about the feelings.



Spanking makes me "feel" submissive.

But, sometimes, I don't feel it.

Sometimes I don't feel submissive because SC has messed up, and I feel disappointed, let down, or guarded.

That is where I have been this week. Through a series of not huge mistakes and some hurtful words, I was feeling guarded. I felt distrustful and the stones around my heart were growing into a castle size wall.

We finally talked and he decided on a Reset to get me back in the right frame of mind (i.e. submissive).

I was nervous.

Resets, unlike maintenance or Role Affirmation are usually long. and hard. and awful. They take me past my limits. Break down any walls, always make me cry (and often more).

Resets tear down the defenses and while I am so much better afterwards, the process is HARD.

I wanted to be back and truly hoped for that reconnection that always comes from a Reset.

Whenever I am spanked, SC has a ritual in his lecture when he is "done."

Whose in charge?
You are

What's your role?
To submit

Will you submit to me in all things?
yes sir

The first two questions are easy. I KNOW the answer, I accept the answer.

The last one. Not so easy. If I am feeling submissive, it is no problem. But when I am not-- I cannot lie. I cannot say yes when my heart is saying no.

I choose submission every day.

I choose to obey the rules (I try! Really)

I obey as he tells me to get over the bed or over his lap.

I choose to obey. But submitting is more than obedience. Submitting is a condition of the heart.

When he asks me if I will submit in all things. Sometimes I cannot say yes.

I never say no. Sometimes I am silent. Sometimes I say I am trying. Sometimes I say I want to.

After a long spanking the other night, I was close.

Very close.

He asked, "will you submit to me in all things?"
"I want to"

He continued spanking.

I had been very far gone so getting there was not pleasant. The walls had been high and hard to tear down. But I knew I was close to the damn breaking. And then instead of the emotional release, the condition of my bum made SC do an all stop.

First, let me say, my HoH was 100% right to stop. He is definitely the H, and I totally respect him, and I would not want him to continue if he thought it was past the point of "safe."

But all that said...I was soooo close. And didn't get there.

The next day I tried really hard to cling to whatever submissive feelings I had rediscovered the night before. I tried hard.

And then it happened.

Another disagreement. Another fight. I tried hard to be respectful. To not yell like I used to. I think I did pretty well. But I was upset with the way he handled it. The walls went back up. Trust which had only begun to once again take root, had been easily ripped away by the tides of harsh words.

We were supposed to have part 2 of the Reset that night, and H declared I "wasn't ready" for it. That we would need to wait until we could work more stuff out and be in a better place.

At that point, I lost it.

I felt like he was giving up on me. I felt like that horrible horrible spanking from the night before was absolutely futile. worthless. for nothing.

We talked the next morning. He had apologized. I still was so far. He decided to spank me.

It was in the morning and the kids were awake, so he used a "quiet" implement. The Terror. It lives up to its name.

I obeyed.

I went over his lap.

I physically submitted.

No warm up (he didn't want the noise because of the kids).

And he spanked. And spanked. And spanked some more.

He spanked hard.

I was trying to be quiet because of the kids. I begged him to stop.

He just said, "I want my submissive wife back."

He kept asking, "will  you submit to me in all things?"

I knew that with two words I could end it all. I could end the assault to my poor posterior.

But my heart was not submitting. I was trying. But I was not completely surrendered.

It's like my heart goes in stages. These stages are the most evident during a spanking.

When my heart is yelling: I hate this, I hate you. Why are you doing this?!?! -- I am FAR.

Then my hearts softens and get to the point where I begin to submit. I even begin to "yes sir" in my head, but I am not quite ready to verbalize that.

And then finally, the verbal proverbial "yes sir" is uttered from my lips and that means submission is no longer physical but emotional, it's not just coming from my lips, but from my heart.

We don't always get there in one spanking. Sometimes it takes a few. Like this time. I didn't get there. If he knows I am not going to be able to get there he will ask, "Do you want to submit to me in all things?" to which I can always affirmatively answer.

When he asks "will you submit to me in all things?" I want my heart not just my voice to answer "yes sir."

I am not all there right now. I am physically submitting, and I am even verbalizing the "yes sir" much of the time...because well, my bum is 50 shades of purple...I am not an idiot! ;)

He called off last nights part 3 due to the condition of my bum. Part 3 was rescheduled for tonight.

My stomach lurches at the thought. I want to submit...all of me. I submit physically to this because I know it facilitates emotional submission.

When I don't feel it, I can't fake it. I don't want to fake it.

For me, physical submission is not the goal. Emotional submission -- submission from the heart is the treasured goal. And while the journey there is often difficult and long. It is worth it.

14 comments:

  1. Cole,
    I hope you are in a better place now. Those kind of rough patches are so very hard. As you said, it is worth it, but to get there is not easy!
    Meredith

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    1. Thank you! Things are much better :)

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  2. Just wondering -- maybe there are times when a spanking doesn't work as well as other times? Maybe there is something else you could try as a means to get you to that heart submission? (It may be quite physical, but non-spanking.)

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    1. Thank you for your comment, yes sometimes spanking alone is not then answer. Well, honestly, spanking alone is never the answer. It has to be a combination of factors that lead to submission...spanking is just a tool and sometimes we need to search deep to see if any factor is missing....

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  3. Hey Cole, wow, your poor bottom. You know, spanking alone takes too long for me to become submissive, and so the Duke uses other things to help me get into a submissive place along with a spanking. The lecture, talking to, corner time, submissive exercises, what have you... would any of those help you out as well? I know maybe not this time, but maybe next time in case you are so close again, and physically it isn't safe to go on? And please don't think I'm judging by offering that, and hope it was okay to suggest, please forgive me if it wasn't.

    Either way, no matter what works for you, I hope that you're able to say "Yes, Sir" with all your heart tonight. :) And able to get to that place that you're longing for. :)

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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    1. Thank you EsMay, I appreciate your comment. We have been talking a lot lately of submission exercises and things to do regularly to help me remain in that submissive state...sometimes I understand a reset is in order like this time...and not much other than that will work. But submission exercises with it certainly does help facilitate that reset more quickly. :) Thank you for commenting. :)

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  4. Aww Cole this was such an emotional but beautiful post. You do have such a way with your words. Emotional submission is deep. I don't always have it either and I have gone through those resets like you are describing as well. I won't say it if I don't feel it either and that is good. I hope you get there soon.

    gentle hugs
    sara

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    1. Thank you Sara. Emotional submission is deep and sometimes hard to come by...but it is the real deal and what we are ultimately after, so it is worth it!

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  5. Sorry to hear that you're not feeling it right now. That is a hard place to be, because the only escape is a change in your heart, and you can't force it :( I applaud you mightily for not not being willing to utter words that aren't true. It would be so easy to just say what you WANT to be true, but to state the truth in the moment takes guts! I'm sorry your spanking had to stop before you were where you needed to be. That is probably the most frustrating thing to deal with(spanking-wise) in my experience. I don't know if you are regularly spanked on your thighs as well, but when your bottom is already in a state, maybe SC could use that area instead? For me it is much more painful, but takes less work to get me to a submissive state of heart because of that. Good luck getting back to where you want to be, and being able to truthfully answer him how you want to. Even if it doesn't happen today or tomorrow, remember: it will happen!

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    1. Thanks for your comment....but I will say I hope SC doesn't read it. LOL I am so not a fan of spanking on my thighs. OUCH!!! ;)

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  6. Cole, maybe you are being to hard on yourself. You are right, submission comes from the heart, not the head. Submitting doesn't mean you can't disagree with him. To me, it is that I trust Ty to do the right thing for our family. I don't expect him to be perfect and there have been times I have disagreed. I don't always come at him with kindness and respect but when I do, he listens to me and really considers my feelings. He just gets the final say. We say 51 to 49. It's hard not to come at him with both barrels blasting. That's what I used to do. He never listened, he fought back and nothing was ever settled. When Ty doesn't act like a leader we are to follow, I am really unhappy and I have trust issues. Funny though, it always seems that is my bottom that brings me back to submission. When I gave Ty my trust and submission, he felt like a man and I feel like his wife, partner, mother of his children and the one person that he can always trust to be on his side. Hope that helps some. I am not offended if you want to delete my comment. Lol But if there in one little tiny thing that helps, I am glad that I commented.

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    1. Blondie, thank you for your comment. You are very right in saying that submission is not agreement. SC totally embraces my opinions and thoughts on everything. Its also true that trust and submission goes hand in hand...you cant have one without the other. Thanks! :)

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  7. Love ya Cole, you'll work through this, you helped me when I dealt with something similar last month. It's so hard to force it, I can't fake it. I know some people can, but I can't fake emotions like that, it's written all over my face. I know you're the same way. I know how hard it is to get yourself back when you feel emotional vulnerable and hurt, but you will and unfortunately it takes time and sometimes that reset is really, really tough. He's trying to break down some wall you built up. This is so tough sometimes, I know you'll work through this. It is worth it, and you know I'm always here for you!!

    Hugs!!

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    1. Thank you for your support always!!! Yeah, no faking it here...resets are tough and yes, sometimes they take time. SC knew that and I doubted him when I shouldn't ... topping from the bottom and all that ;)

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