Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Control . . . Still holding on?

I cannot believe how far we have come in our marriage and communication since we have started TTWD. I have certainly been aware of it, but I don't think I realized how radically things have changed until I got a glance into the past this last weekend.

We used to have a pretty predictable cycle to arguments pre-dd. SC would do or say something, I would react (more to how it was said than what...and usually making too much of nothing) and we would argue. I would be disrespectful and yell, making the argument about everything but the original issue. You know, the well if you would have just said X this way, I wouldn't be so upset. By the end of the argument we have fought about everything but the original issue, and it has been a whirlwind of tears and yelling-- my husband is angry and I have a headache. No one can remember how it even started. What a mess. Or the other side. I say or do something and hubby gets mad but says nothing until months go by and finally he can't take it any more and explodes to which I am blindsided because I thought we were fine and then I get mad over how he brought it up and enter previous cycle. ;)

Since dd...well, no more of any of that! As my HoH said this weekend, dd has given him a "voice" in our marriage and he has no desire to go back. I don't yell at my HoH anymore. It just doesn't happen. The first few months of our dd relationship focused purely on speaking respectfully to my HoH. One swat for every time I made a face or said a disrespectful anything. It didn't take long for me to "get it!" Things really have been great. If I do something or say something, my HoH addresses it and punishes me. I don't turn the tables on him and try to blame him or make it about him to get the focus off of me. (I never even realized I did this before.) If my HoH does something, I respectfully bring it to his attention and he either apologizes or at least hears me and we talk about it. No more arguing. Things have been great.

So...what happened last week? Why those steps backwards? It started with an issue that has been a hot button issue for us and cause some tension and some tears. Then...ugh. This weekend it all hit the fan.

Saturday morning my HoH informed me he needed to go somewhere to get something for some yard work. I pretty much said no, I needed him to help me at home. :( ok. yeah. not a good idea. He immediately was angry because this is something we struggled with in our life "pre-dd". He would need to do something and in his words I would not "value" his need and place my own above his. In typical fashion (for before dd) I turned it around and said he was being selfish by wanting to do what he wanted above what I wanted.

And then round and round we went.

At one point SC told me that as HoH if he told me he needed to go fishing for his mental health I would need to just accept that and trust him. I told him that if that was what dd meant I wanted no part of it.

ugh. How did we get there?

My HoH explained that he would never do that, and apologized, he was just making a point.

And I was a mess.

For days I have been thinking about this. I told SC that I didn't always trust his timing on things and that is why I don't just go along with what he wants/needs to do. He doesn't always know what I need around the house or the family schedule. He told me that was one area I was holding back.

Was I holding back? Do I control the calendar? Is it ok that I control the calendar? I mean, I do schedule the three kids and there are four of us and one of him so of course we have more on the calendar than he does. Weekends get busy with sports and birthday parties... I homeschool and need his help cleaning on the weekends to get ready for the week. But, am I controlling him or holding back control from him?

I don't know...maybe. But as I thought more about it, the issue of control is so complicated. As a dd wife we grant control to our HoH's, but ultimately the control to stop or pause is in our consent. This is complicated. Emotionally, I wonder if I am still holding on to some control. I told my HoH no. And when he reacted I reacted back.

I struggle with dd and equal positioning in our marriage. All the thoughts of but good communication says you should ask or if you just asked me I would . . . I don't think it's wrong to use good communication, but if he just tells me he is doing something... is that ok? He is the HoH. Why do I have such an issue with that? My hubby is a great guy. Why do I question him? Why do I question if he has my best interest at heart? Not only internally but actually question him about it?

I feel I am holding back a little. A little control I have not been willing to let go of. Honestly, I am not sure what to do about that. DD has been so great for our marriage, and after this reminder of how things used to be I definitely don't want to go back. But I don't know what to do with those emotions that rise up when he asserts authority when it involves him...I am ok with his authority when it corrects me when I have broken a rule but what about when his desires are asserted above mine...he is the HoH right? I know he would never abuse that so I should just be ok with it, right? ...but what about when I am not? How do I let that go? Or do I need to? Like I said . . . Complicated.


  1. That's a tough one and I don't really know how to answer it. Would be nice to have a more experienced DD come by and comment on this.

    There are parts of the relationship that I feel I control more than him and I wonder myself if I'm supposed to give that up as well. It's especially hard when he has trouble in a particular area and I am better at it. I think it's okay for me to 'control' it maybe as long as I do so respectfully and continue communicating about it.

    1. Thanks Mischief! So appreciate your commenting! I think you are right that some control is not necessarily bad if it is mutually agreed upon....I guess in this case my HoH wants control and I am reluctant. Perhaps because I am unsure what it would look like. And really does he really want to control that area, or does he just not want to be ignored in that area, which I think is more likely. ;)