Eight months ago the simple mention of the word "submit" would make me roll my eyes and shake my head. The word "obey?" Forget it!
When I think about how far I have come from that me, I am amazed. The new me happily submits (well at least most of the time!), I find joy in obeying my HoH (most of the time!)-- in pleasing him. I delight in our new roles, and I treasure being protected and cherished.
I have come so far. I know that I have. We have. But after last weeks fiasco, I was left baffled and questioning. I sought out advice from people we respect (thanks Clint and Chelsea! (@ www.learningdd.com) and what I got was not was I was expecting. I was forced to look at things from a new perspective. I still haven't figured it all out, but I am trying. Trying to be introspective and honest with myself.
I have discovered some things about myself that I am less than pleased about. Thoughts that make me think I am so far form the submissive wife I want to be. . . I had no idea how much I was trying to control, even manipulate. When it is conscious, I can admit that. But to realize how I was failing without even recognizing it? It has been an emotional struggle.
The road to submission has bumps and wrong turns . . . realizing you aren't as far as you thought on the road is a tough realization. I know I need to focus on how far I have come. But right now? I am just upset with myself for disappointing him. . .
Sometimes, being a perfectionist is hard. I have always been the one with the highest expectations for myself . . . it is hard to come face to face with your failures and shortcomings. I want to grow as a person, as a mother, as a submissive wife.
This road can be lonely. I think I am feeling the full impact of that because my HoH is out of town right now. I am struggling through these emotions alone. In one way, I am glad for the time to reflect and work things out in my head and heart....but sometimes this lifestyle can seem isolating. I can't talk to my irl friends about this. Although the thought makes me laugh. So, after I got paddled, he sent me to corner. ;)
This road is hard, but I know worth it....I know I need to focus on how far I have come, not how far I have to go. <sigh> But sometimes...it's just hard.
(BTW, anyone have any idea how hard it is for a sanguine to hit "publish" on a whiny blog post?!?)
Cole, this post is very well said. It is hard. Plain and simple. You'll have periods where it all flows easily and you're both on top of it and then periods where one or both of you will flounder. Keep the long view in mind and be okay with the challenges. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks Christina! I am learning! ;) thanks for the encouragement!
DeleteAw im sorry youre feeling this way right now. It can sure be a hard long and windy road, but like you said, focus on how far you have come. Being able to focus on that will help with the hard times. Hang in there :)
ReplyDeleteI am trying really hard to focus on how far I have come, which I know is a great distance! Thanks!
DeleteVery well put! I can relate to the same feelings of trying to control situations and being a perfectionist. Thank you for your honesty in putting your feelings out there!
ReplyDeleteBeing a perfectionist can be tough huh?!? Thanks!
DeleteI know what you mean. I find it terribly frustrating that I haven't progressed further but then I look at how far I've come in such a short time and it makes me feel better.Good luck with whatever issue it is you are tackling.
ReplyDeleteBea
Thanks Bea! It is so important to keep perspective of how far we have come. Progress! Woohoo! :)
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