Eight months ago the simple mention of the word "submit" would make me roll my eyes and shake my head. The word "obey?" Forget it!
When I think about how far I have come from that me, I am amazed. The new me happily submits (well at least most of the time!), I find joy in obeying my HoH (most of the time!)-- in pleasing him. I delight in our new roles, and I treasure being protected and cherished.
I have come so far. I know that I have. We have. But after last weeks fiasco, I was left baffled and questioning. I sought out advice from people we respect (thanks Clint and Chelsea! (@ www.learningdd.com) and what I got was not was I was expecting. I was forced to look at things from a new perspective. I still haven't figured it all out, but I am trying. Trying to be introspective and honest with myself.
I have discovered some things about myself that I am less than pleased about. Thoughts that make me think I am so far form the submissive wife I want to be. . . I had no idea how much I was trying to control, even manipulate. When it is conscious, I can admit that. But to realize how I was failing without even recognizing it? It has been an emotional struggle.
The road to submission has bumps and wrong turns . . . realizing you aren't as far as you thought on the road is a tough realization. I know I need to focus on how far I have come. But right now? I am just upset with myself for disappointing him. . .
Sometimes, being a perfectionist is hard. I have always been the one with the highest expectations for myself . . . it is hard to come face to face with your failures and shortcomings. I want to grow as a person, as a mother, as a submissive wife.
This road can be lonely. I think I am feeling the full impact of that because my HoH is out of town right now. I am struggling through these emotions alone. In one way, I am glad for the time to reflect and work things out in my head and heart....but sometimes this lifestyle can seem isolating. I can't talk to my irl friends about this. Although the thought makes me laugh. So, after I got paddled, he sent me to corner. ;)
This road is hard, but I know worth it....I know I need to focus on how far I have come, not how far I have to go. <sigh> But sometimes...it's just hard.
(BTW, anyone have any idea how hard it is for a sanguine to hit "publish" on a whiny blog post?!?)