Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Emotions when the HoH is Inconsistent

This is kind of Part 2 of my last post: DD: The Emotional Roller Coaster.

***disclaimer: this post is in no way meant to be disrespectful to all the wonderful HoH's out there (most especially mine!) I just thought it might be helpful to articulate the emotions behind inconsistency. 

First off, as far as HoH's go, I think mine is pretty consistent, but there are times when I feel he has dropped the ball. (Whether he actually has or not is a completely other story!) ;)

Nothing sets emotions off in me as a dd wife as when my HoH is inconsistent. 

image from: http:// www. aloizou.com.cy/newsletter/Issue29Oct2011.htm

Inconsistency can be demonstrated both in frequency and intensity

Frequency: Is the HoH spanking enough, is he overlooking things, ignoring things? Is it too much/too often?

And in intensity: Is the HoH spanking hard enough both to deter behavior and break through any emotional walls that have been built. Is the Hoh spanking too hard that all the wife can do is get through the punishment and not focus on the emotions of it at all. 

Maybe it's just me, but I am one complicated dd wife! I need it hard enough to deter behavior but not so hard as I can't stand it and can't get past the pain. One thing we have found to work in this are was lengthening the duration of the spanking. --still spanking hard but not as hard for the entirety, and then making it last longer so the emotional walls are torn down, allowing me to get past any anger I have over the spanking and submit and reconnect with my HoH.

When the HoH is inconsistent, so many emotions present themselves. 

I might think that my HoH has missed the incident completely. This can make me angry because I don't think he cares enough to pay attention, or is not as in tuned to me as I think he should be.

I might think he is choosing to ignore it. This can be frustrating because I think he is not willing to step up and be HoH, or maybe he doesn't want to be bothered with it. I can be frustrated because I think my HoH is "hypocritical" and will punish sometimes for certain things but not follow through on others. It unsettles me to not know where the boundaries are in this. I want to know his expectations, yes, partly because I want to know what will cause a spanking, but ultimately because I want to please him and cannot do this unless I know his expectations. On rare emotional days, I might think he doesn't think I am worth it, or my behavior is hopeless.

It is amazing how not being punished for something I think I should can cause me to feel unloved, uncared for, not worth it! Meanwhile, if you asked my HoH why he didn't punish me, his answer might be, "I was trying to be gracious or kind." 

Kindness and grace are big themes with us. My HoH will often think he is being kind or gracious, and I think he is being lazy (not wanting to correct a behavior), or inconsistent for any of the above mentioned reasons. Sometimes I am genuinely grateful for a reprieve. I think that just complicated it more! 

One of the main concepts I am having to learn as a dd wife is to surrender complete control. I submit to my HoH when he is consistent and when he is not. I know he decides when I need to be punished and when I don't, and for how long and how hard it will be. Cognitively I know this and I agree to it. But, what about the emotions of it? The emotions and feelings are harder to control. 

Communication does go a long way in this. I need to respectfully express my needs and emotions to my HoH. I know he loves me and wants the very best for me and is willing to do what he can to meet my needs. However, often, I know my need will involve a painful spanking . . . and that is not so easy to admit. Often my HoH will ask me when I am having an emotional outburst of some kind: "are you asking for a spanking?" My response is ALWAYS: "NO!"  Of course I don't WANT a spanking. It hurts! But often, I know I need it to put me back in the right frame of mind emotionally. Most of the time, I can't actually admit that though. 

It is hard to admit, even to myself, that when my HoH is MORE strict with me and on top of things as the HoH, my respect for him and desire to please him also rise. 

Ultimately, I know my HoH is not ever being inconsistent on purpose, and I need to communicate frustration in this area in a respectful way...before it becomes a super emotional event! 


  1. Yes, a leader has to learn to be cosnsitent, or his follower won't be either. HE sets the pace. BUT, the follower has to learn to have some faith in him too. Sometimes his pace can be exactly what he thinks it should be for reasons unknown to her at the time.


    1. So true Sara, and those unknown to us times are so difficult! ;)

  2. Inconsistency is difficult and sadly I remember having a hard time communicating respectfully. It does confuse things not knowing if he's going to punish or not but hang in there because it won't last forever. The more you guys communicate (preferably in a respectful way) the quicker you should be able to move past it. Try to remember it does take time and it is difficult for the Hoh who is learning.

    Sometimes when I can see Tm is having a more difficult time deciding how to deal with a situation I realize it isn't as easy for him as I might like to believe and I need to just trust him. Not so easy though I know if he doesn't decide to deal with a situation like I think he should.

    A couple nights ago I ended up in the corner when I felt he was letting things go because he felt the whole 'situation' was his fault even though it was more of a joint effort on our part to get to the situation. Let's just say I didn't approach it in the most respectful manner.

    Did not mean for this to get so long lol so I am stopping now. I know it isn't easy but just try and hang in there.

    1. Thank you. I really appreciate the encouragement and kind words. It is challenging. I had a chat with my HoH about it a couple of times this week. I think things are headed in a better direction.

      I think you are right though, so often we don't realize how difficult this is for our HoH's. I knw this is not easy...

  3. I am having one of those days today. I know D has reasons I don't always understand...but, it's very hard to let go when I feel that, if I were HOH, I would not be so generous. Sigh.
    I love your blog, btw. ;)

    1. I am sorry...hugs! I think it is difficult for HoH's to understand our feelings in this and WHY we need consistency to thrive in this lifestyle. I can't imagine they could fully understand it because goodness know I don't understand it! Lol
      Thank you for your kind words! :)
      I hope your day is going better!

  4. Wow, this post is soo relatable to me! If you're a complicated dd wife, then you are certainly not the only one! :)

  5. This is the advice my husband usually gives a new HoH when inconsistency is an issue - think of the consistency as working out in the gym. If you put the work into the "job", you'll see the benefits; likewise, if you don't because you're either tired or busy or would rather do something else, you'll lose the benefits. I don't know if that helps or not. :-)

    1. Totally helps! I will pass it along! (Now that's new...usually I want to hide things i read from my HoH LOL)