One of my main reasons for starting this blog was to provide a place for me to hash out my feelings and emotions when I just am unsure what is going on. This post might ramble a little, because honestly, I am still trying to figure out what happened. Last night, we had a kind of "perfect storm" situation.
perfect storm plural of per·fect storm (Noun)
You, know when everything seems to start falling apart with no warning and no real explanation?
I guess it started earlier in the day when I called SC to ask about a situation. This particular situation has been a frustration for me and for SC, but mostly his frustration is that I have been "nagging" him about it. IMHO I have not nagged, simply stressed the utmost importance of having urgency in the matter. ;) I really have tried to be patient, and there have been sooooo many times I didn't say anything when I wanted to....so yeah, the whole situation is frustrating. I brought what I thought was a new question/new information to the table and my HoH was less than pleased that this was coming up again. He shot down the conversation and said if we needed to discuss it more we could do so later at home. I was annoyed, but let it go.
Enter negative factor #1
Later yesterday evening when SC got home from work he mentioned having to work in the garden. Seeing as only a week or two ago a comment about the garden ended with me over the bed, I decided to tread carefully here. I followed him outside and (tried to) calmly ask how long it was going to take in the garden. He said 30 minutes so I tried to let it go. I was frustrated because he was about to leave on a trip and I had asked for help around the house to get everything in order before he left, which he had agreed to.
I worked on dinner and he and the two littlest went out to work on the garden. About 45 minutes later they came back in and I mentioned the housework that needed to be done.
Enter negative factor #2
I had expectations of certain things getting accomplished, he had no intentions of doing those certain things. I attributed it to him not being able to do it because of time spend doing the garden, and he said it had nothing to do with that, he simply could not physically do what I wanted because of his back hurting. He said something that really hurt my feelings, and try as I might to be respectful I was edging the line and my H called a halt to the conversation. I was angry, frustrated, and felt devalued.
Enter negative factor #3
I HATE when he does this. I understand WHY he does it. I understand the need for me to be respectful, and to discuss things respectfully, but when he ENDS a conversation with a sharp word, it makes me livid. I feel like my opinion or feelings don't matter when he just "ends the conversation." At that point SC went on to do a few things and I went to pick up our daughter from a sports practice.
When I came home we entered back into conversation, and SC seemed "surprised" that I was upset, and thought only he had reason to be upset. I expressed my hurt in something he had said, he agreed he shouldn't have said that. I expressed my displeasure in his method of shutting me down, and how I feel devalued when he does that. We continued talking about expectations, what needed to get done around the house, and then it cycled back to the situation I had called him about on the phone earlier. Things continued to go downhill and SC ended the conversation with, "This conversation is over and we will continue it upstairs over the bed later.
Enter negative factor #4
AGH. Shut down three times in one day. I thought I would boil over I was so angry. I was no longer hungry so decided to go upstairs to take a few minutes to recollect and breathe. A few minutes later, SC comes into the room and locks the door.
Uh Oh. Wait, what are you doing?
As he heads to the closet (where the implements are kept) You stormed upstairs and slammed the door, you're getting spanked.
No wait, I didn't! I didn't slam the door, I shut it.
You slammed it, I heard it. AND you stomped up the stairs.
At this point I am a mess, and start crying. No, really I didn't I promise! Maybe it was the air shutting the door harder than I really did. I promise I did not slam the door and did not stomp up the stairs. I just needed a few minutes.
He did believe me, but decided to go ahead and punish me for all that had happened.
I WAS A MESS.
I was angry with him over his part in this debacle. I was already emotionally drained over all of it. I knew I was in no state of mind for this spanking to do any good. I was freaking out because the kids were awake and even with the fan on and a quiet implement, I was really worried that they would be able to hear.
I begged, I cried. All quietly. Nothing.
As he started spanking me I was so angry.
I was physically submitting, but emotionally I was in another world.
After one set, SC asked if I was ready to talk and apologize. I made a comment about him not being able to "beat me into an apology". Yeah, stupid choice of words. He was less than thrilled with that comment, and I know it was wrong...to say his spanking me was "beating" was way out of line, and I know it. I was just so confused. So, another implement and another set. All the while I was trying not to cry because the kids were up, and I didn't want them to hear anything. I was so mad I actually screamed into my blanket. I thought it was so unfair.
He asked if I was ready and I said I just needed some time to think.
I got time. In the corner. I have NEVER had corner time before. EVER. This just made me more frustrated and angry.
I was doubting EVERYTHING. Our journey in dd has been a good one. Every once in awhile I will have a minor freak out and just need my husband to affirm that we are equal partners in our marriage and my feelings and emotions count even if he has last say....but all in all things have been good. Our communication has improved, I have gotten so much more respectful, my husband has stepped up into his role as HoH and I respect him so much for that. He is affectionate and loving. I adore him.
So why last night am I a crazy mess balling in the corner thinking I can't do this anymore? We have a safe word and for the first time ever I thought about using it. Not because of the spanking. That was nothing unusual, but I had no idea where I was emotionally. I was a mess.
We tried talking again, and honestly I didn't want to say anything. I was still angry and felt that expressing my feelings were getting me nowhere. Eventually it all spilled out. We talked .... quietly. respectfully.
We were both confused about what happened. Typically if I am disrespectful, a punishment spanking will get me on board. SC thought that would happen this time. If I am having a rebellious attitude, he normally just spanks me harder or again. If I pull away emotionally, he spanks me and normally, we are reconnected. NORMALLY.
This time, I knew it was different and tried to express that. My HoH didn't believe me. In all fairness to him, I am not always exceedingly honest about my feelings and needs in this area. As he expressed to me last night, he can trust me in every area to be honest except in this one. He will ask if I am "done" when he is punishing me and I say "yes." I mean who wouldn't?!? ;) Or he will ask if I need a spanking and I will say "no" when I totally know I do. He's right. I am not honest in this area. And last night, it came back to haunt me. He thought he was pushing through walls to get to me, and really the more he pushed, the higher the walls went.
I apologized for my disrespect, he apologized for hurting my feelings and making me feel devalued. I asked him to find another way to shut me down. . . one that would stop my disrespect but not shut down me. He said he would try. I expressed that while I was disciplined, I didn't feel his love and understanding in the process.
He had to go put the kids to bed and left me sitting in our room to "think about what I needed from the conversation." Another first. Room Time. Corner time and room time in one night?!? Ugh.
I was so emotionally drained I think I fell asleep several times in that chair. I don't think I "thought" much at all. I was drained. When SC came back in after what seemed like FOREVER (which was really only 30 minutes so he says), he asked what I needed out of this conversation. I was emotionally done. I knew we were "ok" but I didn't feel reconnected.
I was clueless and so was he. This was all new. A place we had not been before. I know he was questioning how everything went and if he was wrong. That alone was killing me. He is such a great HoH, and when something happens where I am hurt as deeply as I was last night, I know he takes it very personally, and takes responsibility for it. He feared being inconsistent and not pushing me far enough (which is often what I complain about) and yet in doing so, pushed me too far. I know he was just trying to do what he thought was right but it felt ALL WRONG. I don't envy the HoH. I wouldn't want that job.
He held me for awhile and I drifted off to sleep...
Around 4 this morning I woke up with my head no longer pounding and my eyes not so puffy that I couldn't see out of them, and I had an overwhelming need to reestablish that connection. I questioned everything I had said. Was I, as he put it "topping from the bottom?" Was I just trying to assert my thoughts and control? He claimed I wasn't being submissive. Was he right? Was I truly exhibiting a rebellious attitude? Where did this all go wrong and what could we have done differently?
I don't have any answers. I apologized again and expressed my thoughts and concerns. I am still utterly confused about what happened. Sometimes TTWD is so confusing...so complicated. Emotions are so different. And as we both sat shaking our heads baffled at what went wrong....we just hope to not see another "perfect storm."