DD: The Emotional Roller Coaster

I have never been a detail person, and that includes the details of my own emotions. I never was one to recognize PMS or be aware of mood swings. . . .maybe they weren't bad or maybe I was just clueless to it. I am a flash in the pan kind of emotional person-- you know, something happens -- I erupt, huge fight and then most of the time the next day I can't even remember what it was about. I never was very in-tuned to my own emotions.

Then enter dd.

All of a sudden I knew and could articulate every emotion that flashed across my brain. At first it was out of necessity. Domestic discipline was completely new to us, both in idea and in practice. We were so in tune to each other over those first few weeks and even months. I think for the first months I barely had a thought involving him that I didn't share. 

As time went on, I am still acutely aware of my own emotions, but I have gotten worse at articulating those emotions to my HoH.

Honestly, my emotions are all over the place and I cannot always understand them, let alone articulate them.

I am ridiculously emotionally needy. I have always been an independent person. Not needy at all, and yet now I need to communicate with my husband more than ever. I need to know what he is thinking about us, and that we are ok constantly. Perhaps this will ease up in time, I hope so, because I hate being needy! 

I over think everything. Was that disrespecful? well, he didn't say anything. . . .so maybe it wasn't.... Then I end up frustrated. He isn't touching me enough....He isn't communicating enough. Is something wrong???  Too much thinking and making issues out of things that aren't. This is easily resolved in communication, but constantly asking my HoH is everything is ok or if he is upset about something has to be annoying to him!  

I am insatiable in the area of physical touch. Touch is definitely my love language, but over the last few months I cannot seem to get enough. Not sexual touch, but just intimate close body physical touch. I need to be cuddled not just after being punished but touched and held every morning, every night and any time in between! I can't sleep without his body touching mine in some way. I feel ridiculous for needing it, but I love it at the same time. (see this crazy roller coaster!?!)

I have a deep desire to experience regularly the closeness and "connectedness" we achieved in our initial months of dd. When we began dd, communication drastically changed. For one, my husband was granted a voice in our relationship that he had never had before. We began communicating every detail of emotion to "check up" on each other, to be sure dd was doing 'good' in our relationship. Because of that communication and the nature of dd, we experienced a closeness that is indescribable. Occasionally, due to different circumstances, that closeness or emotional connectedness gets broken. Having experienced it, there is no going back and I am completely out of sorts until it is re-established. 

So, what breaks that emotional connection?

--I am unsure such "constant connection" is feasible, and perhaps my expectation needs to be altered. I am not saying we should not be/feel connected, but life is busy and there may be times that we don't have that intense emotional connection.  I know we need to explore ways to gain it back when it is lost. Maintenance and role affirmation might play the biggest role here. Though as a dd wife, it is hard to admit the need for this, even when we know it will bring the desired outcome. 

--Lack of communication. Life gets busy, HoH's don't always share as much as we would like, I start to pull away emotionally when this happens. Perhaps there is something I am not telling him. I am pretty good at confessing a broken rule, but not so good at expressing my need to reconnect which might involve a spanking, or my lack of telling him when something he has "blown off" is unsettled with me still. I don't want to tell him how to be HoH, yet, I have this emotional need that needs to be dealt with. 

--Inconsistency on the part of the HoH. This is a big issue in the dd community. I know not everyone has experienced problems in this area, but I would assume it is pretty common. It is a pretty frustrating experience emotionally. The dd wife does something wrong, the HoH either doesn't address it at all or addresses it and does nothing about. So many emotions go through my mind when this happens, and I have no idea what causes the different reactions or when they will present themselves! 

I don't envy HoH's everywhere. Spank too often, we get upset. Not enough...we get angry. Too hard...we get mad...too light....we get frustrated. Goodness, I am glad I am the dd wife and not the HoH!

I really struggle with this emotional roller coaster. DD has been amazing in our marriage, but I often get frustrated with myself for being so needy. Am I alone in this? Am I crazy? ;)