Friday, January 17, 2014

Levels of Distancing

I have been planning for weeks to do a New Year's post...You know: New Years, New Rules, etc...but I have put it off so long I am moving on!

I have missed you all!

I had a rough week...My H was out of town this week, and I was in a rough place emotionally.... emotional conversations with family members, kids acting out, not feeling well, add a hormone or two and well yeah, it got ugly. I got ugly. And the worst part? I didn't care.

OK. Maybe I did care. I mean, I knew I would be in trouble. And sheesh, punishments HURT!!! I wasn't interested in that...but emotionally I was shutting down. There was a disconnect between what I knew I needed to do and what I was feeling capable of.

The week didn't go well. I was a mess, yelled way too much, and broke the "new" New Year's rule (not to eat when I am not hungry) way too many times-- (emotional eater that I am!)

He came home today. I knew I would be spanked, and I knew it was going to be rough so I went ahead and made arrangements for the kids to elsewhere so we could have a "date night" that started at home...

I missed him to much. And yet, I couldn't help the sassy attitude and disrespect that kept slipping out. I was in a bad place.


The 5th D. Many of us are well acquainted with this d, and may even be spanked for it occasionally...

When I am emotionally distanced, I don't seek to please him. I don't desire or even pretend to want to submit to him. He always brings me back, but the farther gone I am the "harder and longer" it takes to get me back.

We have a little code.

"I'm floating" This is code for-- I sense the warning signs of me wanting to distance. Please call me back! I am not bratting here, but the thoughts are crossing my mind. It is a warning for him that I need him to pull me back fast. Usually maintenance or RA is needed.



"I'm sailing"  This is the step after "floating." I am drifting. I don't just feel myself pulling away, I am pulling away. I may begin to test or brat. I am not fully gone, but it's coming...my ship is sailing!


"I'm soaring" For when I am totally gone. Distanced. Disconnected. Reconnection is desperately needed and it is not going to be a pleasant experience. This is not a fun place to be, and while it doesn't happen often... it does happen if either I don't wave the white flag and warn him when I am "floating" or "sailing" or if he doesn't notice on his own (which I wait for sometimes...I mean he should see me floating right?!?!) ok. ok. I know he can't read minds....but eye rolls and defiant body language??? OK yeah, I know I am a brat...but when I am soaring I just can't help it!!! When I am soaring, I like to think I look like this--

But in reality... I am more like this--


And I am headed here if SC doesn't intervene--



When SC got home today he recognized my attitude right away. (I mean who wouldn't... I was a sassy mess.) He gave me that look and asked, "soaring?"

I looked at him. Shook my head and said "Soaring? Oh No. I am MIA."

Sometimes, you are so far gone you don't even want to think about what will bring you back!!! Thankfully, thinking about that is not my job. It's SC's. And he takes it very seriously. (As my sore bum can attest to.)

He brought me right back to him where I belong. No it was not fun. It was not pleasant. It HURT! But as my sore bottom rubbed up against him after, and my heart longed to submit once again....I remember why we do this. And why distancing is the 5th "D."

16 comments:

  1. Cole,
    So glad to see you blogging. Glad to hear things are smoother now. I missed you.
    Meredith

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Meredith! I have missed you as well! Glad to be back :)

      Delete
  2. I know it wasn't fun, but I'm so happy that you're back!! I struggle with distancing so much, I guess I'm never ready to admit that's what it is, and when I finally do...I'm usually soaring or MIA too. It's so hard when your heart is not into it, and it's hard when they travel..I feel like I shouldn't be so dependent on him emotionally, so I do distance a little..Ugh, it's hard. I'm just glad he pulled you back so quickly! Good job SC ;) HUGS

    Love, J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh J, that is so hard. The emotional neediness has been so tough for me....but it is so critical. I cannot rely on him as HoH without being dependent on him. And my being dependent on him makes me emotionally needy because I am no longer dependent on myself. I don't always like it, but I know it is necessary to get the most out of this dynamic. Hugs my friend!!!

      Delete
  3. I have to say I understand this situation all to well. You did a great job of explaining the entire picture. I have missed your blogs as I relate so well. Glad your H brought you back. It is good to know he has you. Thanks for sharing your difficult time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we as dd wives find ourselves here way more often than we would care to admit! ;) And yes, I am oh so glad he "has me." I love the safety of being there!

      Delete
  4. I'm glad your back! I know how you feel, I tend to go MIA when I'm in those moods. I'm glad he was able to bring you back.
    Kim

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MIA is NOT a good place to be! I don't like to be alone...;)

      Delete
  5. I love your posts Cole. I hope you can blog a bit more this year but totally understand that life makes it a challenge to be here sometimes. The 5th D is a very big deal. When I distanced myself from SM it went on for a couple of months and was a very bad thing to do. He tried to bring me back several times but I was lost at sea!!! I don't even remember how the rescue finally came about but I am so glad it did. It's great that your H helped you so quickly and knew what to ask you. Glad things are good again.

    love
    sara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sara, sorry about the rough time you had, but oh so glad you are back! Though the process is never very fun! I hope to blog more this year as well :)

      Delete
  6. Even though it hurt, I'm glad he got you back to where you needed to be. I think the code words are so cute, and such a great idea.

    Nice to see you back! :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks Cole for sharing such a wonderful post. This is just exactly what I am experiencing and it got addressed today. I so enjoy your blog and your thoughtful insights.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I am glad it got addressed...being distant is never fun!

      Delete
  8. Cole, I loved your thoughts, and how you guys determine how far gone you are. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, but had a good laugh when you said you were MIA. Yep, you had a little bit of sass. :) How wonderful that he was there, and as you said, you didn't have to think about how to make it right, it was his job. What a beautiful display of submission, even when you felt like you were soaring off into space, or, er, headed for a belly flop with the ground.

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks EsMay. I think I may have laughed as well...though I don't think SC thought it funny! lol I love that we can always count on our H's to be there....even though sometimes we think we would prefer they give us a little more space ;)

      Delete