Reflections: 1 Year DD Anniversary!

Wow. It has been a whole year since we embarked on this crazy amazing journey of domestic discipline.

I look back and am simply amazed at how much both SC and I have changed in that time. Our marriage is stronger. We are more in love with each other than ever before, and the structure and discipline brought into our relationship by domestic discipline is helping us both get closer to the people we desire to be.

A Few Reflections:

Greatest Reward: 

By far the greatest reward of domestic discipline is the closeness. The nature of dd brings complete honesty. There is nothing unsaid, no walls, no distance. My HoH feels a fierce desire to protect and care for me as I submit to him. The responsibility has stretched and grown him, and I appreciate so much the man he is. He caters to my needs to be touched and held, and indulges me even in my weird obsessions like his hand on my bottom while I fall asleep. (What is up with that anyway?!?! I rationalize it by telling him that my bottom needs extra TLC after all the damage he does to it!) ;) No matter the challenges and the countless spankings over the last year, I wouldn't trade our closeness for anything.

Greatest Challenge:

Authenticity. Sigh. I know not telling the world about our dd dynamic is not being dishonest and is not not being authentic...but sometimes it feels that way. I have always been a very open person. I share everything. There are a few people I often feel like I am lying to by not sharing this. The truth is I know I cannot. They would not understand, it would not be beneficial...but the secrecy has probably been my greatest challenge over the past year.

Greatest Frustration: 

Oh.My.Word. I have yet to make it 7 consecutive days without a punishment spanking. IN A YEAR!!!! Do you realize how many times that means I have been spanked in the last year!?!?!  Incredibly frustrating!!! I have often made it 5 and have even made it 6 days but never 7!

I have often contemplated why and I think there are a variety of reasons. One, I need it. Ugh. Did I just say that? Yeah, it's true. If I go to long I get stressed out. A few times I have jumped out of my comfort zone and admitted that to SC. He does maintenance and I am fine...but why is that sooooo hard?!?! Asking is near impossible most of the time-- it seems so counter rational!!!! I have often wondered if the intensity needed to increase but goodness, during a punishment sometimes it is near impossible to make it through...could I handle more?  Things to consider. I am determined to make it 7 days without a punishment and to make it happen soon!!!!


Top Ten Lessons learned in our First Year of Domestic Discipline

1. Spankings HURT!!! (yeah, yeah, I know they are supposed to...I have heard that a few times!)
2. Paddles of all shapes, sizes, and substances are evil
3. Submission is not a 4 letter word
4. Long term detrimental habits can be changed
5. DD has challenges, but this amazing relationship is worth it
6. DD has brought a closeness that we never knew possible
7. The DD community is amazingly supportive and has come to mean so much to us.
8. Being the HoH has brought SC's leading, protecting, and cherishing qualities to the surface
9. SC is a husband worth respecting
10. Being submissive to my HoH makes me feel loved, cherished, protected, and adored



The road has had a few bumps and turns, but we are one year in and going strong! I wonder what the next year will bring? (Hopefully less punishment spankings!)

I wanted to thank all of you! Readers, lurkers, and those who I have come to think of as friends. So many of you have become so special to me! Thank you for your friendship!

Special thanks to Christina from Red Booty Woman and Clint and Chelsea from Learning dd. The help you all have offered over the last year is incredible, and we are so thankful for your help in our making this first year of practicing domestic discipline a success!

Lastly, the hugest of thanks to my HoH. You are more amazing than I ever realized and I appreciate all that you do to make our marriage incredible. I am so blessed to be "Yours".

Fight, Flight, or Freeze???

Humans tend to have a fight or flight reaction to conflict or danger. It is a defense mechanism, and most of us have experienced this at some point or another.

Since starting dd I find that I face this fight or flight reaction more than ever before.

While washing dishes...

Folding clothes...

Making dinner...

Getting out of the shower...

Getting in the shower....

Getting dressed...

Getting out of bed...

Lying in bed...

Picking something up off the floor....

Getting something out of the refrigerator...


You see anytime SC is behind me, and my bottom is accessible, he feels compelled to swat it. I can see that arm swing back and "fight or flight" involuntarily sets into motion! I jump out of the way, sidestep around him, dive for cover...you get the idea...

Well, this makes him mad. OK maybe not mad but definitely annoyed (in a playful yet serious like only he can pull off sort of way!) And without fail he makes me get back into position so he can swat me. This is NOT punishment, not swats I have earned...just (to steal Stormy's term) "helifino" swats...just cause I can swats. And if I move out of position, because who wouldn't naturally flee impending doom on one's derriere?!?! He swats extras! Seriously?!?! When I ask why he says because I moved out of position.

ummm hello?!?! I am supposed to hold position eternally for whenever the urge to spank my bottom hits you?!?! Ummm no....because well, the body's natural defense mechanism is fight or flight!

When SC comes swatting, my body going flighting! On the super crazy occasion my body goes fighting ... that's even worse! He will come up behind me and playfully swat my bottom (why does something playful have to hurt?!?!) and I will swing around and smack his shoulder or whatever I can reach.

Oh yeah you read that right. Occasionally I have swatted back."Fight"-- the body's natural defense mechanism! I can't help it!!! Immediately upon fight or flight I realize what I have done and my mouth drops open (especially if it was fight!) And at this point in the game I am well aware of what will happen next..

You see I tried to explain that fight or flight WAS a natural reaction and what did he want me to do???

His response?

FREEZE.

I began to giggle. Flight, Fight, or....Freeze!?! 

So now...fight or flight still plagues me here or there...I mean come on...but after the jump out of position at the kitchen sink or the accidental slap to the shoulder after he has swatted me...right back bent over wherever I was to receive the play swat he intended...along with a few extra....all because my darn body chose flight or fight over Freeze!

Implements and the Ultimate Deterrent

So, SC is away for work again...that makes 2 of the last 3 weeks away. I am doing ok, but I miss him in a seriously heartbreaking way.

Last week upon his return...well, as you know things weren't the welcome party I would have liked. I had a terrible week while he was gone and got in MAJOR trouble when he got home. Disaster.

The spanking was awful. It took two days of spankings to cover it. Most of you read how it went here. Yeah, it was rough.

He managed to use the majority of his arsenal in one spanking.

His huge powerful hand...

The spanking buddy for if his hand tires during warm up (poor thing huh?!?!)....

The wooden paddles...yes plural. Ouch.

The wooden spoon (it pretends to be a wooden spoon, it is actually ginormous and a paddle in disguise!)

Not ours, but it reminds me of it!

The Hairbrush paddle...

Ours is thicker...but this is the closest I could find...

The leather paddle...

The Cane

The Terror (Yup, it lives up to its name)

and

The Strap (pure evil!)

But not just the spanking was tough. Yeah, 8 implements in one punishment (I didn't count the spanking buddy since that was for warm up) was....ummm unpleasant.

But more than that, the disappointment in his eyes--- it broke my heart. It was so much worse than any spanking could be. (And this spanking was HARD!)

 I hurt him. I disappointed him.

Maybe it is a man thing, maybe an HoH thing, maybe just a MY HoH thing...but he is BIG on respect. Like major R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Almost any infraction can be seen as disrespect. My disobedience is disrespect because I did not care enough about HIM to obey. Procrastination is disrespect because I do not take into account how it affects him and our family. See? respect is everywhere.

And while he was gone, and I trampled all over his expectations....I did NOT show him respect.

The thing is, I respect him more than anyone in this world. He is wise, intelligent, loving, caring, faithful, good, gentle (well, not when he is spanking!), attentive, the best father, husband, and HoH ever.

Sometimes the desire to show him how much I love and respect him leaves me dejected with feelings of failure. I want so much to please him...and sometimes, well, almost every time I end up over the bed or over his lap...I feel like a failure. Like I have disappointed him.

He assures me I am not a failure. He always assures me of how far I have come and that I am a wonderful wife and mother. But, I struggle. I hate disappointing him. But I know just because he is disappointed in my choices or actions, he is not disappointed in ME. He always tells me how proud of me he is after disciplining me. How proud of me he is that I am willing to be held accountable, to submit to his authority and punishment to make our marriage and family better.

Yes, his disappointment is the ultimate deterrent.

This week he has been gone again. And I am 5 days in and yet still nothing on my list! (and not because I chose not to write it down this time!) :) In the almost year we have been practicing dd I don't think I have ever gone 5 days without earning a punishment!

Sure those two spankings were definitely enough for me to not want that to happen again...but more than that...I want to please him. To make my actions show him that I love and respect him.

Now...to make it at least 2 more days!

The Reckoning

She entered the bedroom and immediately her heart dropped into her stomach. Eight. There were eight implements lined up. A notepad and pen sat on the bed. Her breathe hitched. 

Come here. 

She consciously told herself to breathe. Her brain told her body to walk but no step would come. 

Come here. Now. 

She took a deep breath and tentatively stepped forward. He patted the bed beside him and she sat down. Her eyes lowered, she couldn't bear to look at him. She was so upset...so disappointed in herself. She couldn't look at the disappointment she knew would be evident in his eyes.

Why are we here?

She closed her eyes for a second...trying to close out the pain in her heart. She had caused this...but where to begin?

Too many things to count...she whispered.

Well, let's try. He said as he picked up the pen and paper. 

Her eyes closed again. Oh No. How could she be held accountable for everything...it wasn't possible.

One by one they began to list the infractions of the last week. 

Failure to track punishable offenses when directly told to do so-- disobedience and disrespect

Not eating breakfast on time one morning-- disobedience

Yelling at the kids (4 days) -- disrespect to others

Failing to remember an important task-- disrespect

Arguing about completing another task -- disrespect

general attitude of disrespect-- thinking that it was not possible to punish for all offenses so what was the point....--disresepect

direct disobedience when given a time to be in bed one night-- disobedience

Responding in anger and sleeping in another bed-- disrespect, distancing

Backtalk-- disrespect 

Texting while driving-- danger

The list continued...

The lecture was long. The disappointment heavy.

Over the bed.

Those dreaded three words.

Each rule that was broken was read. 

You chose not to write things down when I asked you to because you thought I wouldn't punish you for everything. You were wrong. I will. I will hold you accountable. I love you. 

And it began. 

Each infraction was read....each punishment administered. 

I forgive you for disobeying me and not writing things down.

And so it went...down the list. 

The next hour and a half were not easy. It was the most difficult punishment she had ever received. Yes, it's true it needed to be. She needed to know that he was serious...that he would indeed punish every rule break even if he was not  home. Even if the list was long. 

If only that hour and a half were all...but no. They only made it through part of the list. 

As sobs wracked her body and the burn in her bottom was more than she had ever felt before she fought to breathe.  

Her HoH took her in his arms and whispered, I love you. I am so proud of  you. 

Her HoH was gracious and gave into her pleas of a one night break before part two. 

But part two came all too quickly ... just 48 hours later. 

This time she began to whimper as soon as he asked her to lay over the bed. One glance at that yellow notepad made her almost sob immediately. Only halfway done?!? It wasn't possible. 

And it began. 

Read the rule that was broken. Punish. Offer forgiveness. Down the list he went. 

Each implement seemed the worst until the next. 

As she screamed into the comforter as the strap whipped away at her burning bum, surely that is the worst implement!

But then, that horrible awful huge wooden paddle. There is nothing like the pain of that pounding into your flesh. It MUST be the worst. 

Even the lesser implements become evil as time goes by...there is no spot untouched. No spot of skin that doesn't burn. She wondered how she would ever sit again. She pleaded and begged for it to end. 

It seemed so much. Too much. And yet, in her heart of hearts she knew any less would not have been enough. She had never disrespected him like she had that week. And she never would again. This strong man loved her...loved her enough to not allow her to damage their relationship...to mess with the wonderful roles they had worked hard to establish. 

Finally the spanking stopped. He lifted her off the bed and she stiffly walked into his open arms and continued to sob. He kissed her head and whispered his love and forgiveness.

I love you so very much. I am so proud of  you. I forgive you. It's all done. It's over.

As she laid on her tummy on the bed she heard the rustling of paper. Then tearing. As he ripped up the list he leaned down into her ear and whispered, it's done. It's all done. You are completely forgiven. 

 

Tears filled her eyes as she rested her head on the pillow and he laid down next to her.  Her weary body relaxed and nestled against the warm body of the man who adored her-- enough to not let go. 

Quiet is not always QUIETER...

There are a few situations that bring great challenge to the dd lifestyle. We are no stranger to them-- especially challenges such as children and house guests.

We always have children. ;)

And right now...we have house guests...not just any house guests....but teenagers...

At first we just thought we would "save up" all the punishments for after they left... yeah, I said "save up". I mean, for real...I have NEVER gone a week punishment free, let alone 2.5 weeks!

BUT...Have I mentioned I HATE waiting?!?! Well, I hate waiting. It is terrible, no good, very bad. Yes, miserable. I hate waiting. There. I said it again.

So, instead of waiting, SC offered to "get it over with" in the garage. Big sigh. I took it. Stupid me. Apparently his weapon err implement of choice this week is to be the tilt wand.

Seriously dear...tilt wands are to open the blinds....NOT to spank bottoms. Really. Seriously.

I experienced it last night...you would think I would have worked really hard not to meet up with it again.

Oh wait. I did! I did NOTHING today to earn a spanking. Miraculous, right?!?! Yeah. Apparently too good to be true. I didn't do anything TODAY, but I did get an email reminding me that I forgot to pay a bill. OOPS.

I mean, I FORGOT!!!!

Yeah, yeah, I know I procrastinated paying it...and yes, procrastination is a punishable offense. grrrrrrrr.

The garage, with Senor SC, and the tilt wand.

You would think the looming doom of that dang awful weapon implement would make me on my best behavior. Nope.

SC: Why are you being punished?

Now, I really hate this question. Often random answers come to mind and the sarcastic comments usually get swallowed and I manage to give the correct answer.

NOT tonight...oh no.

Me: Because you are mean. <enter snarky smile here>

SC: Seriously? That just got you double

Me: <insert nervous laugh> NO! I was just kidding!!!

SC: Do you think this is funny?

well...I thought it was.....I OBVIOUSLY don't think it is funny any more. (I managed to keep in any sarcasm about lack of sense of humor--that one's never gone well for me before.)

Me: No sir.

It's the garage so it echos. Even with music on, I fear anyone hearing. Apparently he did too because the warm up was short and then....

THWAP!!!

THWAP!!!!

THWAP!!!!

I am not sure how many but it was however many it was that many too many...and then...the dreaded words.

SC: We would have been done here if you hadn't backtalked. Do you really think I am mean for following through on what you have agreed to be held accountable?

ugh. Logic is so overrated.

THWAP! A few too many of those and FINALLY he laid it down on the table. sheesh.

You see. The quiet implements? Are not always so QUIET. The impact sound might be less, but the sounds coming from me....well, I was mostly quiet tonight. The fear of someone hearing kept me mostly quiet. But good grief the yelling in my head?!?! Totally LOUD!!!!

Quiet is so overrated.

And tilt wands? Are for BLINDS. ;)

Lectures and a Broken Paddle

This happened a few weeks ago, but I am just getting around to posting it. :)

*********

I have been warned not to embellish this post. So I will stick to the facts. ;) 

The last few weeks have been crazy. I have been stressed, my HoH has been more than gracious and we have been in survival mode. My HoH noticed me "slipping" and as soon as things began to settle just a little, he called time out to the grace period. All rules back in force and a long maintenance session to get us back on track. 

Oh joy.

A few lessons learned from above mentioned "long maintenance session:"

1. Do not suggest listening to a podcast on lecturing before an upcoming spanking. Geeez.

2.  Do not begin to giggle uncontrollably when your HoH tells you your behavior could get you arrested. (Dang speeding!) 

3. Laughing harder when called out for ill placed giggling gets you spanked HARDER.

4. Wooden paddles when applied with force to one's bare bum do indeed break. (What kind of wood you ask? Oh don't take away all the fun by asking details. Oh I was told not to embellish? Oh right...ok ok it was bamboo. Yeah I know those aren't like the big ones...but goodness...he STILL broke a paddle on my bum!)

5. Paddles being broken during a spanking cause for more laughter, but not the end of a spanking. Though I saw the amusement in his eyes, he didn't hesitate to pick up another implement and get back to it. 

6. He is consistent and I am so very grateful for the wisdom he shows in leading me.

The only thing in common this pic has with the one that broke is the shape... ;) 

I'm BAAAAAAACCKKKKK!

ok, so I took a longer than expected blog break--much longer actually since I never intended to take a break at all! :P With all the craziness going on in blogland and irl...a break just needed to happen. But goodness I have missed you all!

A few things have happened over the last few weeks . . .

1. SC and I celebrated our nine year anniversary! Woohoo!!!

2. I have confirmed that I am indeed brainwashed. Yes, what they say is true. My HoH took me on my first trip to Ikea...and I bought hardly anything!!! because... well, I didn't NEED it. Ugh. Just wrong, right!!!??? He gave me permission to shop and I am so trained to "I can live without it" . . .ugh such a disappointment! ;) (I did make up for it later as we redecorated our living room with a few extra trips to Target!) :)

3. SC broke our first paddle. (Details to come in a later post!) ;)

4. Having house guests is CHALLENGING!!! Especially when your HoH is about to go out of town...

5. I really miss all of you in blogland!!!

Well, it's short...but I guess it's all about getting back on the horse right!?!? :)