"Am I Making Myself Clear" Spankings

We talk a lot about the different kind of spankings we as dd wives receive-- punishments, maintenance, stress relief, resets, good girl ...well, I experienced a new one this week. I know, lucky me right?!?

SC was gone for a few days last week and though it was short...it was long enough for me to do something STUPID. Yeah. Super stupid. And seriously y'all, I don't even use the word stupid. It's like a total four letter word around here.

I totally lost it and screamed at one of the kids. I was so totally ashamed, devastated really. I cannot believe I did it. I have always been a yeller, but we have made such strides in this area...I cannot believe I screwed up so badly. I apologized soon after it happened and worked hard to make it up to him. He was the sweetest thing ever and forgave me right away. We redeemed the day, and actually had a great rest of the day.

But, I couldn't undo what had been done. My fate was sealed.

When he gets home from a trip it is always so bitter sweet...I can't WAIT for him to get home, but I totally know with him comes the spanking of all the rules I have broken...

Besides the crazy loss of my mind with our child, I had a speeding incident that involved 15 mph over the limit...

I knew it was bad when he sent me up to our room, and lie on the bed to wait for him. He never does that.

Then I should have further deduced the seriousness of the moment when I saw 2 wooden paddles, a leather paddle, and a strap. GULP.

Further understanding might have been had when he told me to lie flat on the bed for the warm up so it wouldn't be so long OTB later. GASP.

What in the world?!?

I am going to make this memorable. The next time you go to scream at our kids, I want you to remember this so we don't end up back here. 

A whole-heck-of-a-lot of spanks later...

Am I making myself clear?

Crystal....sir. ;)

I don't recommend "Am I making myself clear" spankings...I recommend avoiding them at all costs.

The Reckoning

She entered the bedroom and immediately her heart dropped into her stomach. Eight. There were eight implements lined up. A notepad and pen sat on the bed. Her breathe hitched. 

Come here. 

She consciously told herself to breathe. Her brain told her body to walk but no step would come. 

Come here. Now. 

She took a deep breath and tentatively stepped forward. He patted the bed beside him and she sat down. Her eyes lowered, she couldn't bear to look at him. She was so upset...so disappointed in herself. She couldn't look at the disappointment she knew would be evident in his eyes.

Why are we here?

She closed her eyes for a second...trying to close out the pain in her heart. She had caused this...but where to begin?

Too many things to count...she whispered.

Well, let's try. He said as he picked up the pen and paper. 

Her eyes closed again. Oh No. How could she be held accountable for everything...it wasn't possible.

One by one they began to list the infractions of the last week. 

Failure to track punishable offenses when directly told to do so-- disobedience and disrespect

Not eating breakfast on time one morning-- disobedience

Yelling at the kids (4 days) -- disrespect to others

Failing to remember an important task-- disrespect

Arguing about completing another task -- disrespect

general attitude of disrespect-- thinking that it was not possible to punish for all offenses so what was the point....--disresepect

direct disobedience when given a time to be in bed one night-- disobedience

Responding in anger and sleeping in another bed-- disrespect, distancing

Backtalk-- disrespect 

Texting while driving-- danger

The list continued...

The lecture was long. The disappointment heavy.

Over the bed.

Those dreaded three words.

Each rule that was broken was read. 

You chose not to write things down when I asked you to because you thought I wouldn't punish you for everything. You were wrong. I will. I will hold you accountable. I love you. 

And it began. 

Each infraction was read....each punishment administered. 

I forgive you for disobeying me and not writing things down.

And so it went...down the list. 

The next hour and a half were not easy. It was the most difficult punishment she had ever received. Yes, it's true it needed to be. She needed to know that he was serious...that he would indeed punish every rule break even if he was not  home. Even if the list was long. 

If only that hour and a half were all...but no. They only made it through part of the list. 

As sobs wracked her body and the burn in her bottom was more than she had ever felt before she fought to breathe.  

Her HoH took her in his arms and whispered, I love you. I am so proud of  you. 

Her HoH was gracious and gave into her pleas of a one night break before part two. 

But part two came all too quickly ... just 48 hours later. 

This time she began to whimper as soon as he asked her to lay over the bed. One glance at that yellow notepad made her almost sob immediately. Only halfway done?!? It wasn't possible. 

And it began. 

Read the rule that was broken. Punish. Offer forgiveness. Down the list he went. 

Each implement seemed the worst until the next. 

As she screamed into the comforter as the strap whipped away at her burning bum, surely that is the worst implement!

But then, that horrible awful huge wooden paddle. There is nothing like the pain of that pounding into your flesh. It MUST be the worst. 

Even the lesser implements become evil as time goes by...there is no spot untouched. No spot of skin that doesn't burn. She wondered how she would ever sit again. She pleaded and begged for it to end. 

It seemed so much. Too much. And yet, in her heart of hearts she knew any less would not have been enough. She had never disrespected him like she had that week. And she never would again. This strong man loved her...loved her enough to not allow her to damage their relationship...to mess with the wonderful roles they had worked hard to establish. 

Finally the spanking stopped. He lifted her off the bed and she stiffly walked into his open arms and continued to sob. He kissed her head and whispered his love and forgiveness.

I love you so very much. I am so proud of  you. I forgive you. It's all done. It's over.

As she laid on her tummy on the bed she heard the rustling of paper. Then tearing. As he ripped up the list he leaned down into her ear and whispered, it's done. It's all done. You are completely forgiven. 

 

Tears filled her eyes as she rested her head on the pillow and he laid down next to her.  Her weary body relaxed and nestled against the warm body of the man who adored her-- enough to not let go. 

Quiet is not always QUIETER...

There are a few situations that bring great challenge to the dd lifestyle. We are no stranger to them-- especially challenges such as children and house guests.

We always have children. ;)

And right now...we have house guests...not just any house guests....but teenagers...

At first we just thought we would "save up" all the punishments for after they left... yeah, I said "save up". I mean, for real...I have NEVER gone a week punishment free, let alone 2.5 weeks!

BUT...Have I mentioned I HATE waiting?!?! Well, I hate waiting. It is terrible, no good, very bad. Yes, miserable. I hate waiting. There. I said it again.

So, instead of waiting, SC offered to "get it over with" in the garage. Big sigh. I took it. Stupid me. Apparently his weapon err implement of choice this week is to be the tilt wand.

Seriously dear...tilt wands are to open the blinds....NOT to spank bottoms. Really. Seriously.

I experienced it last night...you would think I would have worked really hard not to meet up with it again.

Oh wait. I did! I did NOTHING today to earn a spanking. Miraculous, right?!?! Yeah. Apparently too good to be true. I didn't do anything TODAY, but I did get an email reminding me that I forgot to pay a bill. OOPS.

I mean, I FORGOT!!!!

Yeah, yeah, I know I procrastinated paying it...and yes, procrastination is a punishable offense. grrrrrrrr.

The garage, with Senor SC, and the tilt wand.

You would think the looming doom of that dang awful weapon implement would make me on my best behavior. Nope.

SC: Why are you being punished?

Now, I really hate this question. Often random answers come to mind and the sarcastic comments usually get swallowed and I manage to give the correct answer.

NOT tonight...oh no.

Me: Because you are mean. <enter snarky smile here>

SC: Seriously? That just got you double

Me: <insert nervous laugh> NO! I was just kidding!!!

SC: Do you think this is funny?

well...I thought it was.....I OBVIOUSLY don't think it is funny any more. (I managed to keep in any sarcasm about lack of sense of humor--that one's never gone well for me before.)

Me: No sir.

It's the garage so it echos. Even with music on, I fear anyone hearing. Apparently he did too because the warm up was short and then....

THWAP!!!

THWAP!!!!

THWAP!!!!

I am not sure how many but it was however many it was that many too many...and then...the dreaded words.

SC: We would have been done here if you hadn't backtalked. Do you really think I am mean for following through on what you have agreed to be held accountable?

ugh. Logic is so overrated.

THWAP! A few too many of those and FINALLY he laid it down on the table. sheesh.

You see. The quiet implements? Are not always so QUIET. The impact sound might be less, but the sounds coming from me....well, I was mostly quiet tonight. The fear of someone hearing kept me mostly quiet. But good grief the yelling in my head?!?! Totally LOUD!!!!

Quiet is so overrated.

And tilt wands? Are for BLINDS. ;)

Danger, Dishonesty, and the Strap

I wish I had a warm fuzzy post for you today...I really do...but the only thing warm around here is my bottom. :(

I hit a super low yesterday. One of the out of body....why in the world did I just do that moments...

I was at a convention. One I have been looking forward to ALL year. Friday evening I was talking with SC on the phone and he casually mentioned that my oldest daughter had cried several times that day for me, and was very upset about me missing a sporting even she was having Saturday morning.

That was hard. I knew she was not happy about me leaving, but I didn't think not being there would be as difficult as it was for me. I made a last minute decision to skip the second half of the conference and come home early to surprise my girl and make her event.

All that to say, I really didn't want to miss my conference only to not get there in time...so I might not have set my cruise on the permitted 74 mph.

When I got there...in plenty of time for her event, in fact I made it for most of my younger daughters event which I was not anticipating. Bonus for me, but I was met by the quizzical face of my HoH.

How fast were you going?

I did the smile and duck thing... better to not engage at that point of time. I knew he wasn't going to let it go.

Obeying all traffic laws has always been a rule. However, just a few weeks ago we talked about this rule because I was confused by it. No texting and driving was always a big one, but as for speeding, I had always felt the rule was not necessarily don't speed, but more don't get caught. i.e. if you speed I don't need to know, but if  you get a ticket you are in big trouble. I thought that was not exactly right since why should a ticket change things. SC agreed (why on earth do I let such things come out of my mouth!?!?) and he began to enforce the no speeding thing.

Ya'all. This.is.not.good. I kind of have a lead foot.

I set the cruise around 77 coming home...except for the times all the other cars were doing 80...you know, gotta stay with the traffic...

I knew SC would not be happy about it. We had just taken a road trip in which I had complained the whole time I was driving about setting the cruise on 74.

I knew the expectation.

I also knew I probably had enough time to get to the event.

But I just couldn't obey the rule. I had this compulsion to get where I was headed. And to get there as fast as I could.

I knew I would be in trouble. I just did it anyway. ugh. What was I thinking?!? Perhaps part of me was thinking it would be worth it...oh dear. that.is.not.good.either.

And then, my foolishness continued yesterday.

We had to run an errand and drop off a car we had borrowed. When SC went to return the car, I stayed in the driver seat of my vehicle. I knew the expectation was for me to move to let him drive. This is very important to him and a big act of submission for me. One he expects. As he was returning the keys, I knew I would be pushing him sitting there. I knew he would say something, give a look, something to make me move when he got back.

I even thought about what my response would be. I could say oops, forgot or sorry, wasn't thinking about  it but I dismissed those responses because, well, they weren't true.

So when he got back, he totally threw me a curve and went to get in the passenger side! I was beyond shocked and faltered for a second before I opened my door to get out and said "Sorry, you can drive." So, should have stopped there. But Oh No. My mouth detached itself from my brain and out came "Wasn't thinking about it."

ACK. Why in the world did I say that?!?!? I should have admitted it right then. It might not have been a big deal if I had fessed  up and told him I was doing it just to get a rise out of him....He might have called it bratting or testing... I might have been in trouble I might not have. I hate that feeling of dread when you know you have done something wrong. Really wrong. And I knew my HoH was going to be very upset. And disappointed. :(

I waited until the kids were in bed last night and I couldn't stand it anymore to confess.

He was very disappointed.

I can't remember a time you have outright lied to me. 

Ugh. Me either. I am so disappointed in myself.

Memo to mouth: Wait on brain before speaking!

I was spanked. Hard. With the awful strap...

This one actually... form thelondontanners.com

I wasn't surprised when he pulled it out.

I wasn't surprised with how much it hurt.

I was kind of surprised when it was done because...Maybe it wasn't as bad as I was expecting for such epic issues?

Biggest problem was I still felt guilty. I don't know if it was the magnitude of my guilt-- having lied to him. Ok, I know it wasn't a major lie, but it was lying. I NEVER lie to him. I hate still feeling guilty after a spanking. SC asked if I needed more. Ummmm. no! Is the answer to that question ever yes?!? Maybe it should be, but I don't think I could bring myself to say it.

By the way...I thought straps were not supposed to bruise?!? Liars. ;)

I probably should feel more guilt over the speeding thing....but I can't say that will be the last time we will address that issue. yuck. I don't drive...I sp-ee-d....Not intentionally...I just go where I need to go at the speed I safely can go....Not speeding means I have to watch the speedometer. ewww. Not likely. I think I liked the "don't get a ticket" rule better. :(

2 D's in one day. Pretty big ones at that. Yuck.

Anyway, I am glad to be home after a few weeks of craziness. Summertime is here and I am ready! As long as that strap stays stowed....

So, the question of the day is, can you answer yes to "do you need more?" If you still felt guilty after a spanking what do you do?

PSA: He has NO Sense of Humor

Ok maybe that's not completely true...

Ok maybe It might have been a tad disrespectful...

I really thought it was funny...

You know that scene in Master of Disguise?

Ha! Come on...it was funny...I mean it was, wasn't it? I was joking....

SC did not think so. My bottom had second thoughts...ouch.

I still think it was kind of funny...the question is, was it funny enough to do it again? ;)

There might have been a tinge of a smirk behind the paddle wielding HoH... Maybe a small one???


Shortest post ever, but we are headed out on a road trip. Family vacation time! See you all next week!

It was a Total Oops...

Where are you? His usual calm and pleasant voice sounded annoyed, agitated, and was that a touch of fear I heard?

Oops.

I am at my parents, did I not tell you?

Immediately my stomach dropped to my toes. Checking in is an important rule. One I have never broken. My brain rushed to calculate how this had happened. I had tried several times to get a hold of him but his schedule was busy. We usually talk several times a day, but not yesterday. I had received one text after several of my missed calls saying he was busy and did I need anything. I didn't per say..just to check in. No excuses. I could have left a voicemail or a text...I just got busy....and forgot.

I knew he would be home late and planned to be home when he got there. He got home a little early.

No. You didn't tell me. And I got home to no wife, no kids, no dinner. And then I tried to call you and you didn't answer.

Double oops.

I rushed the kids to get ready to leave and then had a thought. With a house guest I knew my punishment would have to wait. I hate waiting...so I quickly devised a plan that left my house guest and oldest kids at my parents.

Smart or stupid? Still deciding....

Ugh. I felt awful. I hate that I scared him. I have never ever broken this rule. We talk so often during the day, checking in is natural.

Sigh... Guess I should pay more attention to it.

He used that new leather paddle...I really really thought I read somewhere that leather hurt less than wood? Whoever said that lied.

As he held me after I did my usual of telling him it hurt..he assures me it is supposed to. I tell him but he did it REALLY hard. He chuckles and tells me I say that every time. Maybe I do.

But it's all worth it, to hear that whisper in my ear "shhhh it's ok. It's done. I forgive you."

It's Just Not Natural...

I knew I was in trouble from the warm up. I mean, I had just been spanked the night before. That warm up seriously hurt! I glanced back to his weapon implement choice for the evening. The big wooden paddle. He means business. Oh dear.

He begins. I begin to squirm from the first swat. Apparently I was still tender from the hairbrush the night before...

Be still or I will add more . . . 

Seriously?!? I AM TRYING!!!

The man is spanking me with a huge wooden paddle and I am expected to be STILL?!? Not likely.

Not blocking him. I get.
Not flipping over. I get.
Not getting up. I get.

but STILL???

HOW?!?!? Seriously, how does one stay still for this????

Ok ok. So in all fairness he says some movement is expected. Apparently we have different definitions of "some." <yeah I totally just rolled my eyes>

It's my bodies fault...you know, fight or flight??? Either response requires movement.

It's like be still so I can eat you!

Just.Not.Natural.

SC sees fight or flight as nonsubmission. I see it as a natural reaction to an unnatural experience! Isn't the fact that I am lying over the bed at all enough proof of my submission?!?

In the end I got 2 extras.

I really need to dispose of that paddle...

Intentions, Control, Loopholes, and the Library

My whole life I was a "good kid." Any time I actually got in trouble it was usually for my mouth. I never did things without thinking them through and I hardly ever got in trouble. If it was for an accident or a mistake, I could always get out of it, because it wasn't "intentional."

Well, obviously, my HoH missed the "intentional" rule. I have found there are no loopholes in this dd marriage. SC is well aware of my tactics and is not willing to play.

So, what does this mean for me? I get spanked. a lot. Even when I am trying.

This is new ground for me. I am a perfectionist and have always been able to do what I set out to do.

Failing when trying? New ground. And I am NOT a fan.

When SC got back from his trip I knew I would be punished. And I was. Sunday night. Happy Easter, right? ;)

So, slightly tender from that "adventure" I "intended" to make it through Monday without doing ANYTHING worthy of a punishment. Well...someone should have told PMS to stay away. And the library not to call...

UGH. The Library. I hate the library! I went almost a year without going because of how high my fines were. I finally broke down and went only to get a call yesterday that the books we had out were 8 days late and therefore I owed $39.60 in fines. SERIOUSLY?!? That is ridiculous. And I didn't MEAN to be late. A month went by really fast! And those fines are totally wrong.

One of the first rules we had was about the library fines. I am notorious. In fact, we buy all of our homeschool books so I don't HAVE to use the library because it ends up cheaper to buy the books than paying the fines.  SC has a no tolerance policy with the library. It falls nicely under his "wastefulness" rule.

Yuck. I told him about it via text and he assured me that was "very not good for me." Lovely.

Add in PMS and some yelling at the kids and I knew it would be a fun night.

But, but, I tried! I really wanted to be punishment free. Having punishments out of my control is frustrating! Yeah, yeah, I know that's the point, but I am a perfectionist and I HATE not being "perfect" at this. I know perfect is not possible and if it were I wouldn't need TTWD...but letting go of my loopholes is tough. I am the Queen of Loopholes. I am the one who got pulled over 9 times in my college days with only one ticket. I considered myself a master manipulator. (yeah yeah not a great trait, I know.).

SC is onto me. No loopholes. No good intentions.

So last night, I experienced what I think was his "stepping it up" in the lecture. He has me sit on the bed next to him and begins to lecture. Honestly? I almost laughed! He is trying to be all serious, and I can't help think it is funny that I am about to be spanked over library fines.

You have a problem with the library, and you wasted almost $40 in fines. 

hiding laughter. I know I should be taking this more seriously.

Now, I know your temptation is to now avoid the library, but you can't do that.. . .

ok, now I stopped laughing, that was totally my plan. What do you mean, I can't avoid the library...how else will I avoid the fines?!? (intelligent enough to not have said out loud!) I just give him the deer in the headlights look...

You need to be responsible. Send yourself a reminder, put it on your phone. Be aware of when they need to go back. You can't avoid the library because then we waste money by you BUYING the books. 

oh dear.

And then the issue of my attitude with the kids . . .

Is PMS an excuse?

hmmmm, can it be? It should be! (again I had the forethought to NOT SAY this out loud!) ;)

No

I hate being out of control. This submissive thing is tough.

Honestly though, and I really hate to admit this. . . I don't miss the loopholes. I love that my man can see through the games my mind plays without me even thinking about it. I can't become the person I want to be if I allow myself to be held back by excuses.

So, hesitantly, but willingly, saying goodbye to the loopholes. It's worth it.

The Perfect Storm

One of my main reasons for starting this blog was to provide a place for me to hash out my feelings and emotions when I just am unsure what is going on. This post might ramble a little, because honestly, I am still trying to figure out what happened. Last night, we had a kind of "perfect storm" situation. 

From Wiki: 

perfect storm  plural of per·fect storm (Noun)

Noun A particularly violent storm arising from a rare combination of adverse meteorological factors. A particularly bad or critical state of affairs, arising from a number of negative and unpredictable factors

You, know when everything seems to start falling apart with no warning and no real explanation?

I guess it started earlier in the day when I called SC to ask about a situation. This particular situation has been a frustration for me and for SC, but mostly his frustration is that I have been "nagging" him about it. IMHO I have not nagged, simply stressed the utmost importance of having urgency in the matter. ;) I really have tried to be patient, and there have been sooooo many times I didn't say anything when I wanted to....so yeah, the whole situation is frustrating. I brought what I thought was a new question/new information to the table and my HoH was less than pleased that this was coming up again. He shot down the conversation and said if we needed to discuss it more we could do so later at home. I was annoyed, but let it go. 

Enter negative factor #1

Later yesterday evening when SC got home from work he mentioned having to work in the garden. Seeing as only a week or two ago a comment about the garden ended with me over the bed, I decided to tread carefully here. I followed him outside and (tried to) calmly ask how long it was going to take in the garden. He said 30 minutes so I tried to let it go. I was frustrated because he was about to leave on a trip and I had asked for help around the house to get everything in order before he left, which he had agreed to. 

I worked on dinner and he and the two littlest went out to work on the garden. About 45 minutes later they came back in and I mentioned the housework that needed to be done. 

Enter negative factor #2

I had expectations of certain things getting accomplished, he had no intentions of doing those certain things. I attributed it to him not being able to do it because of time spend doing the garden, and he said it had nothing to do with that, he simply could not physically do what I wanted because of his back hurting.  He said something that really hurt my feelings, and try as I might to be respectful I was edging the line and my H called a halt to the conversation. I was angry, frustrated, and felt devalued. 

Enter negative factor #3

I HATE when he does this. I understand WHY he does it. I understand the need for me to be respectful, and to discuss things respectfully, but when he ENDS a conversation with a sharp word, it makes me livid. I feel like my opinion or feelings don't matter when he just "ends the conversation." At that point SC went on to do a few things and I went to pick up our daughter from a sports practice. 

When I came home we entered back into conversation, and SC seemed "surprised" that I was upset, and thought only he had reason to be upset. I expressed my hurt in something he had said,  he agreed he shouldn't have said that. I expressed my displeasure in his method of shutting me down, and how I feel devalued when he does that. We continued talking about expectations, what needed to get done around the house, and then it cycled back to the situation I had called him about on the phone earlier. Things continued to go downhill and SC ended the conversation with, "This conversation is over and we will continue it upstairs over the bed later.

Enter negative factor #4

AGH. Shut down three times in one day. I thought I would boil over I was so angry. I was no longer hungry so decided to go upstairs to take a few minutes to recollect and breathe. A few minutes later, SC comes into the room and locks the door.

Uh Oh. Wait, what are you doing?

As he heads to the closet (where the implements are kept) You stormed upstairs and slammed the door, you're getting spanked. 

No wait, I didn't! I didn't slam the door, I shut it. 

You slammed it, I heard it. AND you stomped up the stairs. 

At this point I am a mess, and start crying. No, really I didn't I promise! Maybe it was the air shutting the door harder than I really did. I promise I did not slam the door and did not stomp up the stairs. I just needed a few minutes.

He did believe me, but decided to go ahead and punish me for all that had happened. 

I WAS A MESS.

I was angry with him over his part in this debacle. I was already emotionally drained over all of it. I knew I was in no state of mind for this spanking to do any good. I was freaking out because the kids were awake and even with the fan on and a quiet implement, I was really worried that they would be able to hear. 

I begged, I cried. All quietly. Nothing. 

As he started spanking me I was so angry.

I was physically submitting, but emotionally I was in another world. 

After one set, SC asked if I was ready to talk and apologize.  I made a comment about him not being able to "beat me into an apology". Yeah, stupid choice of words. He was less than thrilled with that comment, and I know it was wrong...to say his spanking me was "beating" was way out of line, and I know it. I was just so confused. So, another implement and another set. All the while I was trying not to cry because the kids were up, and I didn't want them to hear anything. I was so mad I actually screamed into my blanket. I thought it was so unfair. 

He asked if I was ready and I said I just needed some time to think. 

I got time. In the corner. I have NEVER had corner time before. EVER. This just made me more frustrated and angry. 

I was doubting EVERYTHING. Our journey in dd has been a good one. Every once in awhile I will have a minor freak out and just need my husband to affirm that we are equal partners in our marriage and my feelings and emotions count even if he has last say....but all in all things have been good. Our communication has improved, I have gotten so much more respectful, my husband has stepped up into his role as HoH and I respect him so much for that. He is affectionate and loving. I adore him. 

So why last night am I a crazy mess balling in the corner thinking I can't do this anymore? We have a safe word and for the first time ever I thought about using it. Not because of the spanking. That was nothing unusual, but I had no idea where I was emotionally. I was a mess. 

We tried talking again, and honestly I didn't want to say anything. I was still angry and felt that expressing my feelings were getting me nowhere. Eventually it all spilled out. We talked .... quietly. respectfully. 

We were both confused about what happened. Typically if I am disrespectful, a punishment spanking will get me on board. SC thought that would happen this time. If I am having a rebellious attitude, he normally just spanks me harder or again. If I pull away emotionally, he spanks me and normally, we are reconnected. NORMALLY. 

This time, I knew it was different and tried to express that. My HoH didn't believe me. In all fairness to him, I am not always exceedingly honest about my feelings and needs in this area. As he expressed to me last night, he can trust me in every area to be honest except in this one. He will ask if I am "done" when he is punishing me and I say "yes." I mean who wouldn't?!? ;) Or he will ask if I need a spanking and I will say "no" when I totally know I do. He's right. I am not honest in this area. And last night, it came back to haunt me. He thought he was pushing through walls to get to me, and really the more he pushed, the higher the walls went.

 I apologized for my disrespect, he apologized for hurting my feelings and making me feel devalued. I asked him to find another way to shut me down. . . one that would stop my disrespect but not shut down me. He said he would try. I expressed that while I was disciplined, I didn't feel his love and understanding in the process. 

He had to go put the kids to bed and left me sitting in our room to "think about what I needed from the conversation." Another first. Room Time. Corner time and room time in one night?!? Ugh. 

I was so emotionally drained I think I fell asleep several times in that chair. I don't think I "thought" much at all. I was drained. When SC came back in after what seemed like FOREVER (which was really only 30 minutes so he says), he asked what I needed out of this conversation. I was emotionally done. I knew we were "ok" but I didn't feel reconnected. 

I was clueless and so was he. This was all new. A place we had not been before. I know he was questioning how everything went and if he was wrong. That alone was killing me. He is such a great HoH, and when something happens where I am hurt as deeply as I was last night, I know he takes it very personally, and takes responsibility for it. He feared being inconsistent and not pushing me far enough (which is often what I complain about) and yet in doing so, pushed me too far. I know he was just trying to do what he thought was right but it felt ALL WRONG. I don't envy the HoH. I wouldn't want that job. 

He held me for awhile and I drifted off to sleep...

Around 4 this morning I woke up with my head no longer pounding and my eyes not so puffy that I couldn't see out of them, and I had an overwhelming need to reestablish that connection. I questioned everything I had said. Was I, as he put it "topping from the bottom?" Was I just trying to assert my thoughts and control? He claimed I wasn't being submissive. Was he right? Was I truly exhibiting a rebellious attitude? Where did this all go wrong and what could we have done differently?

I don't have any answers. I apologized again and expressed my thoughts and concerns. I am still utterly confused about what happened. Sometimes TTWD is so confusing...so complicated. Emotions are so different. And as we both sat shaking our heads baffled at what went wrong....we just hope to not see another "perfect storm."

PSA: His rules are NOT Stupid!

A disrespectful comment found me leaning over the bathroom counter the other morning. The bathroom because two doors and a bathroom fan separate us from the kids. His quiet implement of choice: the cane.

ugh. Have I mentioned my disdain for the cane?

We had just had a relatively respectful discussion about lack of consistency, and my HoH decided to punish me for my attitude. Lovely. Remind me why I want consistency again? This punishment was not in regards to that particular conversation, but about something that had happened earlier in the morning which he had said we would deal with later. Apparently later meant then as he didn't want it hanging over us all day.

As he pulled me into a hug afterwards, he told me he would try to be more aware and consistent. I sighed... and smiled..."it's just I hate knowing I will get punished for the stupid rules and then you miss some of the big stuff that can really affect our relationship..."

Quiet.

Did you just call my rules "stupid?"

I laughed..."no. .. it's just . . ."

Back over the counter .

Not laughing anymore...

Seriously?!?!?

PSA: Never tell the HoH with a cane in his hands that his rules are "stupid" while your pants are around your ankles. . .

image from: 

http:// www .talknerdytomelover.com/home/2012/7/1/nerdsunite-the-secret-life-of-a-veterinary-technician-vet-te.html

Procrastination and Girl Scout Cookies . . .

I got one of those dreaded emails yesterday. You know the you didn't do this like you were supposed to emails? ACK I was so frustrated with myself. My HoH has been extremely patient with me, as we have had a few months of utter craziness-- family emergencies, relatives visiting, even a death in the family and some out of the usual work situations. I love spontaneous but even I am ready for some structure and routine! 

Procrastination is something I struggle with anyway, let alone in the midst of life's chaos the last few months. My HoH reminded me several times about a few things, one that was urgent for his work that he needed me to do. He gave me a deadline of noon yesterday. At about 1:30 I got an email: "I don't have it." UGH! I totally forgot! Honestly, even if I would have remembered I could not have gotten to it that morning with all the other things I had to do, but I never told him that. I should have. I knew I would not be able to do it by the deadline, but I never communicated that to him. I did get it done yesterday afternoon...just a little too late. As soon as SC called it direct disobedience I knew it was going to be a rough night. 

So, what do Girl Scout cookies have to do with this? Seriously, being spanked for Girl Scout Cookies? 

So frustrating! Someone asked me to buy them some Girl Scout cookies because they didn't have cash on them. I jumped out of the car to help them out and while there decided to buy a few boxes for us. No big deal right? EXCEPT when you are on a spending freeze! I realized what I was doing as I was handing over the money. OOPS. It was a total accident! 

We have been practicing dd for about 7 months now, and this is the first time I have been spanked for an accident. My HoH was right in saying a rule is a rule. And I have gotten extremely lax in finances the last few weeks, and SC assured me when my family left town we would be back to hard core budgeting. I knew this, I totally just slipped. Being spanked for Girl Scout cookies is just wrong! 

I felt sorry as soon as it happened. I texted my HoH to let him know what I had done. I really was trying. 

Last night was pretty emotional. More emotional than usual. SC of course noticed the difference in me and spent a lot of time holding me and rubbing my back afterwards. I don't really know why. SC has stepped it up some as far as punishments, and I really was super repentant before the punishment began . . . it could have been a combination of any number of reasons.  

Physically, I am always amazed how something that hurts so badly in the moment is barely there just a while later. I mean really, that horrible wooden paddle makes me feel like I am on fire! 

Something tells me those Girl Scout cookies won't taste as good . . . But hey, I won't procrastinate eating them! ;) 

Spanking and Guilt Absolution

I don't get it.  I really don't. What about spanking absolves my guilt? Last night as hubby and I went to bed I was overwhelmed with guilt over something. Our conversation went something like this: (let's call hubby SC...you know like Prince Charming only Spank Charming) ;) 

Me: I'm not sure if I need to confess something,
SC: what do you mean?
Me: does one need to confess something that was thought or said not to that person.
SC: I don't think I would spank for a thought. If you didn't say it, you took it captive.
Me: but I did say it out loud, just AFTER I hung up the phone.
SC: was it something you seriously think or just said in anger?
Me: just in anger...in the moment.
SC: what did you say?
Me: I don't want to tell you if I don't have to.
SC: ok.
Me: ugh <head in pillow>
SC: what's wrong?
Me: but I feel so GUILTY! What if I might have called you a name... (Knowing full well SC HATES this particular word.)
SC: hmmm I see. I thought it might be that. Well, I still don't think I would spank you for a thought. You showed control and didn't say it to me.

Now this is the part I should have said, thank you for being understanding....and gracious. Blah blah blah. No. Darn guilt.

Me: but I did say it....
At this point SC knows I won't get over it and he needs to punish me. I soooooo do NOT want to be punished....but I HATE that overwhelming feeling of guilt.

SC: <sigh as he heads to the closet>

Oh dear...

SC: over the bed.

Why is it with two hard strokes of the paddle I feel better? Bizarre....

A few minutes later...

Lying in bed cuddled up against him.

SC: if you want to feel what hell feels like, just say that word to my face.

Me: "Yes sir"

Bottom on fire...got it. Yikes!

Hmmm...I did hear humor behind that, right? Right? ;)