Role Affirmation

What is Role-Affirmation?

Role Affirmation is a lot like maintenance spankings, but unlike maintenance which can target a specific rule needed to be worked on, or simply be regularly scheduled for any number of reasons, role affirmation is solely for the purpose of reaffirming the roles of HoH and submissive wife. Role Affirmation is not as severe as punishment spankings, for us they are more like maintenance. For us Role Affirmation spankings are always done OTK as opposed to punishments which are almost always done OTB. Being OTK makes me feel more connected. The physical closeness and connectedness helps plays a part in the emotional reconnection that happens during R/A.

Why Role-Affirmation? 

Staying submissive is not easy for me. And once I start slipping here or there, I steamroll fast. My husband is amazing, but he is not a mind reader, and he doesn't always see the small subtle cues that I am battling my inner-submissive. If he doesn't catch it early, it isn't long before I am a sassy mess. The eye rolling, disrespectful comments, and yes, the dreaded bratting begins in full force.

Without putting the breaks on quickly, it all too quickly leads to a punishment spanking. Except...there is something that can stop it before it gets out of hand-- role affirmation. A role affirmation spanking can reset us in our roles and reaffirm my HoH in his place as head of our relationship and me in the submissive role. I offer submission, but sometimes I need to be reminded that he took me up on it!

Another reason for role affirmation is before or after either partner has been away. We find this very helpful. Not always, but occasionally before either of us leave he will do R/A to help me get in the right frame of mind before either of us leave. Whenever I am away from him, the dynamics of life change, and I don't have the constant interaction with him that helps our dd dynamic thrive. Often when we are apart, I am left in charge of everything-- the house, the kids, day to day decisions. It is easy to slip into isolated independence. While there is nothing wrong with providing that which is needed while he is gone, sometimes the transition back to him physically present is challenging. I am out of the practice of asking permission for certain things, am not as careful of my tone with him, being held accountable consistently, etc. When we come back together, he will usually use Role-Affirmation as a way to reconnect and reestablish us back in our roles.

One of the major benefits for me of R/A is that it can often keep me from receiving a punishment spanking. I know the concept of a spanking preventing a spanking is rather counter-intuitive, but it works. DD is pretty much entirely pragmatic right? We do it because it works...not because we can explain it! If SC sees me edging closer to the line, he can often reign me in with R/A before it gets to the point that he has to punish. A lot of times for this purpose it is in the mornings when he is about to leave for the day, and he can see that the track I am does not have the greatest outlook for the day. A quick trip to the bathroom for some R/A resettles me and drastically increases the statistical probability I will make it through the day without breaking a rule! Since R/A spankings are nowhere near as hard as a punishment spanking, I would much rather catch it early and skip the punishment!

Who Initiates Role-Affirmation?

In the beginning, I was often the one to initiate role-affirmation. I would never come out and say "I need a role affirmation spanking..." I am not crazy! I would say little things like "I am feeling unsettled..." or "I feel disconnected." He began to understand those cues, and he would offer R/A.

After awhile, I felt less comfortable expressing my needs in this area. I admit this is a fault. I should be comfortable with it, but I think most dd wives understand the frustration of feeling needy! Asking for R/A made me feel needy...why couldn't I just feel submissive? Why do I need to be spanked to avoid a spanking? Frustrating and futile self-talk. The fact of the matter is...it helps, so I need to embrace it.

SC is the one who initiates it before or after being away. He will declare time for R/A if he seems me slipping or edging too close to the line. In our relationship, either can initiate. In his case he declares it, and in mine I may request it...or more likely subtly hint to the need for it!

Who initiate will likely depend on your dd dynamic. Some HoH's might be ok with the wife suggesting or asking for it...others might not.

How is it different than maintenance?

Some may read this and ask, this sounds an awful lot like maintenance. And maybe in your dd relationship, maintenance is enough. For us, while we don't do "regularly" scheduled maintenance, SC will call for maintenance if he sees a slip in certain rules, or I need reminding of a certain rule or rules. In maintenance, SC always goes over our list of rules and refocusing on all rules and our relationship is the goal. Role Affirmation is almost like targeted maintenance. It isn't for any particular infraction or reminder, it is simply about reminding both HoH and submissive wife of their roles. While maintenance has many physical purposes-- keeping you from physically needed a punishment, Role Affirmation is purely emotional-- reestablish the connection before you act out due to emotional unsettledness.

But is it fair?

I know a lot of couples have issues with the ideas of maintenance and role-affirmation. DD is TTWD...we all have to be comfortable with the boundaries of our own dynamics. If this works for you, great. If it doesn't, great!

I think with R/A, if it doesn't "work" for the wife-- make her more submissive, feeling emotionally connected, and happy with the relationship, then this wouldn't be fair and she wouldn't want it. However, if it does the intended or the wife requests it...perhaps it is worth a shot. If either partner feels uncomfortable with it afterward, you know that R/A isn't for you.

Well, those are my thoughts on R/A...written as requested by a dear friend and fellow blogger. Hope it helps someone!

Reluctant Consent

Warning-- this blog post was difficult for me to write. So difficult in fact, it represents emotions and feelings of several months ago because I just wasn't ready to share it. However, I think vulnerability in emotions in this lifestyle is healthy, and maybe, just maybe it might help someone else...


In the DD world, the concept of consent is big. Like HUGE. Consent is everything. We live this lifestyle because we choose to, regardless of whose idea it was or who initially wanted it.  We do it because we mutually agree to this type of relationship.

We are no different. I submit to SC and have granted consent to a domestic discipline lifestyle.

Just because I have granted consent, doesn't mean I always like it.

DD wasn't my idea. And honestly, sometimes I have questioned it. Especially after a particularly hard spanking.

A few months ago was one one of such times. I was in trouble...again...and it was a pretty intense spanking.

I got mad.

Yeah, not the reaction he was going for with that paddling.

As he tried to hold me, and was not oblivious to my emotions and distancing, I turned to him and asked:

"How can you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Spank me like that. How can you do that? Why do you do it?"

I was battling this inner struggle, not for the first time, of how could this man that I love and respect, actually follow through with spanking me. I mean, it's no play thing. Punishment spankings hurt. They can be intense. Occasionally I question how or why we do this. Why does he do it, why do I let him.

It is part of the emotional roller coaster for me. One moment I am complaining (albeit internally) that he doesn't spank often enough or hard enough...or consistent enough. How could he let that go?

And then half a breath later, How can he do that?

Yeah, there is nothing rational about it, but it is the reality of my emotions nonetheless.

Only this time, I voiced my thoughts. I actually asked him how he could do it. I asked him why.

I held my breath as I waited for him to answer.

He held me tight and he responded,

Because I love you. And because you have asked me to. You have asked me to hold  you accountable, and I am just following through on my part. 

Dang rational HoH brain.

You see, hard spankings may make me angry sometimes, and I may question why we do this, but ultimately he has my consent. I agreed to it. With one word it could all stop.

We have talked about that-- stopping dd that is. I don't think I really want to stop when I have brought it up...maybe I just need to be reassured that I have that choice? That I wouldn't ruin our relationship if I pulled consent.

He is never really please with that conversation. He has no desire to give up dd. I don't either...but sometimes...sometimes I question. Sometimes, while I have granted consent, it is reluctant.

For weeks after that spanking I was "off." I don't really know what was going on. I struggled to find that submissive place I work from in dd. I am not naturally submissive. I have to work hard to get to that place. I like it when I am there. I enjoy pleasing him, I enjoy the care and tenderness he offers there. I love being "His."

But reluctant consent is a difficult balancing act. It is an inner emotional battle. We continue because cognitively I know we need to-- in my head I know this lifestyle is right...but I don't feel it in reluctant consent.

I can't fake it. I never have been a good liar. Actually I am terrible at it. My emotions are an open book. So when my consent is reluctant, I need to keep communication with my H open. He needs to know what I am thinking and feeling so he can help me.

It took awhile to get back to normal. I cannot guarantee I will never feel that way again. I doubt that is the last time a spanking will make me angry...I doubt it will be the last time I question why. But the wave passed. The feeling of lostness with it has gone.


So, this post feels so depressing. I was in a rough place for awhile as far as dd goes. For about a month a lot of questions plagued me. Things are better. A lot better. And while I know my questions which are fueled by emotions will probably creep back, the longer we are in the lifestyle, the more reasons we find to continue.

Honesty and communication in this lifestyle are so important. I am so very glad I was able to share even the difficult details of this with my H. We don't face anything--even the toughest emotional battles -- alone.

Reluctant consent may not be a great place to be...but it has its own lessons to be learned. I'm just glad it's over....Reluctant Consent. It may be reluctant, but it was still consent. And I am super glad it has given way to just plain 'ole consent.

Line Dancing...and friendships

Well, it's official. I get a big "F" in blogging. I cannot believe I have let it go so long without stopping in! Sorry ya'all!

It has been a crazy month, but a good one. and a difficult one.

I spent the better part of the last month questioning a few things about our dynamic and wondering if we would ever make dd "just another part of life." Things seem to change so often in our dynamic that normalcy does not seem to be one description we could use. More to come on this soon...


We were gone for a long weekend last week which was wonderful, and super fun since on top of a weekend away with no kids, (even thought it WAS a work trip for my h!) I got to meet up for lunch with 2 amazing dd wives!

I was totally freaked out. What if we had nothing to talk about? What if we just stared awkwardly at each other? What if I didn't fit the "right" personality for a "good" dd wife...what if it was horrible?!?!

Yeah, totally stressed over it...for nothing! It was amazing! These ladies were awesome, NORMAL, hilarious, and so lovely! Si very grateful for that opportunity. We spent hours laughing. No awkward moments there! :) And totally amazing to get to meet others in the lifestyle-- real people doing this crazy thing we do...knowing you are not alone...

I was sick the whole time we were away and while that meant I went about 2 weeks without being spanked, I didn't go that long without earning one...so they just.added.up. Yuck.

The more they added up, and the more time I went without being spanked, the sassier I got. Yeah, no idea why I do that.

One night we were lying in bed and SC and I were laughing and I started pushing the line...a little. OK, errrr a lot. I was a mess. SC, finally, very done with it all, says "Here's the line and you are over there...crossing it."

No idea why but I burst out laughing.

He saw that as sass and swatted me.

I laughed harder.

He swatted harder.

No wait! <more laughter>  <more swatting> Wait! <he pauses> Wait! <giggle> I am NOT crossing the line. I am dancing on it. <pause> <giggle> Line Dancing!!!!

At that point he couldn't help it and joined me in my giggle fit. (ok ok he didn't giggle...guys don't giggle...but he definitely laughed!)  I am not sure if he just thought I had lost my mind and figured he should join me in my insanity...or... yeah, no idea!

So the truth is, I am pretty good at that-- line dancing that is. Sometimes it gets a laugh and sometimes it gets a swat...occasionally it gets wood and that's just no good...but line dancing is a serious talent of mine! Sometimes I think its rigged...the line moves.

Fight, Flight, or Freeze???

Humans tend to have a fight or flight reaction to conflict or danger. It is a defense mechanism, and most of us have experienced this at some point or another.

Since starting dd I find that I face this fight or flight reaction more than ever before.

While washing dishes...

Folding clothes...

Making dinner...

Getting out of the shower...

Getting in the shower....

Getting dressed...

Getting out of bed...

Lying in bed...

Picking something up off the floor....

Getting something out of the refrigerator...


You see anytime SC is behind me, and my bottom is accessible, he feels compelled to swat it. I can see that arm swing back and "fight or flight" involuntarily sets into motion! I jump out of the way, sidestep around him, dive for cover...you get the idea...

Well, this makes him mad. OK maybe not mad but definitely annoyed (in a playful yet serious like only he can pull off sort of way!) And without fail he makes me get back into position so he can swat me. This is NOT punishment, not swats I have earned...just (to steal Stormy's term) "helifino" swats...just cause I can swats. And if I move out of position, because who wouldn't naturally flee impending doom on one's derriere?!?! He swats extras! Seriously?!?! When I ask why he says because I moved out of position.

ummm hello?!?! I am supposed to hold position eternally for whenever the urge to spank my bottom hits you?!?! Ummm no....because well, the body's natural defense mechanism is fight or flight!

When SC comes swatting, my body going flighting! On the super crazy occasion my body goes fighting ... that's even worse! He will come up behind me and playfully swat my bottom (why does something playful have to hurt?!?!) and I will swing around and smack his shoulder or whatever I can reach.

Oh yeah you read that right. Occasionally I have swatted back."Fight"-- the body's natural defense mechanism! I can't help it!!! Immediately upon fight or flight I realize what I have done and my mouth drops open (especially if it was fight!) And at this point in the game I am well aware of what will happen next..

You see I tried to explain that fight or flight WAS a natural reaction and what did he want me to do???

His response?

FREEZE.

I began to giggle. Flight, Fight, or....Freeze!?! 

So now...fight or flight still plagues me here or there...I mean come on...but after the jump out of position at the kitchen sink or the accidental slap to the shoulder after he has swatted me...right back bent over wherever I was to receive the play swat he intended...along with a few extra....all because my darn body chose flight or fight over Freeze!

So Over It...

I am so very over being spanked. Really. Truly. Seriously. Over it.

I am a bit of a spanko...but NOT when it has anything to do with punishment....or wood...or leather....or anything other than some fun with his hand...

I have been spanked 5 out of the last six days. Every single one of those days included a punishment spanking for speeding. Many of them had other things added on top of that. One of those nights I was spanked for speeding--that punishment was doubled because I continued to speed after I became aware of it because "well, I was going to be spanked anyway so whatever." ok ok I understand why it was doubled. gosh.

I hate being punished. And being spanked over and over again for the same issue made me frustrated. I think at first I really thought it wasn't worth it. It was too hard. Well, the truth is it is worth it now. Sore bottoms and leather seats = not so much fun. :( It was a painful reminder to go the speed limit. I managed to stay within 5 miles of the speed limit today so far. I was too sore not to.

And of course there is the disappointment. He was so disappointed in my attitude that day...for speeding anyway because I knew I would already be punished. Yeah that was stupid. I hate I hurt him. I was disappointed in myself.

Last night I was so sore I COULDN'T stay in position. In fact I jumped OUT of position and yelled for him to stop. Oops. :( It was total involuntary physical reaction. One in which he did all he could to make sure doesn't happen again. :'(

The whole mess of feelings and emotions in TTWD are so challenging sometimes. Sometimes when a spanking seems like more that I can handle...I begin to question everything. I hate questioning. I know this has been so good for us...but my mind wonders.

Why do we do this?
Is this working?
This is so not normal...
Is this right???
I hate being punished
I wonder what he is thinking as I sob and he swats away at my already sore bottom...
Couldn't we have the closeness without the harshness of punishment spankings.

I shared some of this with SC the other night and he asked a good question.

How do you feel when you go a week or more without being spanked?

ugh. Way to bring perspective to my me party.  I know I crave the connection that comes with spanking. The release of guilt. The medium for him to maintain dominance and leadership in our marriage.

But the emotions are hard.

As I submitted to a very difficult spanking last night and sobbed horribly the whole time...my thoughts ran away by themselves.

As I questioned TTWD and the necessity of such painful events...I remembered the conversation SC and I had after only a few weeks of dd, back in September.

He told me he felt that for our entire marriage I had not allowed him a voice. That I had run over him. That he was unhappy and had been for a long time. He also expressed how dd had changed all of that. How he felt respected. How he felt he had a voice and was free to communicate without me retaliating. I was devastated that day. I had done that.

I had found dd, but he was the one who had wanted it in our marriage. I tried it for him. Because I loved him. After that conversation, I knew I had to embrace it. I couldn't go back. I loved him too much.

I love what dd has done for us. I love the closeness. The reconnection is provides. It feels right submitting to him. He has stepped up as my leader, my protector. He cherishes me, loves me, and takes care of me. In return I submit to him, respect him, and obey him. TTWD is good for us. It is. I know that.

But good gracious punishment spankings hurt.

The emotions and feelings are hard to deal with. Doubt is hard to deal with.

A dear dd friend said I am over analyzing. She is probably right. I am way too much of a thinker. I over analyze everything...

I can't possibly be the only one....Anyone ever doubt the benefits or necessity of this lifestyle? What do you do with those thoughts?

The Reckoning of Rules, Roles, and Reality

We are back! From the greatest family vacation EVER!!!! It was so wonderful! Amazing time with my awesome hubby and precious little people. Beautiful location, lots of fun, and yes....NO spankings!!!! (well...there were a few swats but those don't count, right?!?) 

We did the clap test the first night in the cabin and it failed by epic proportions . . . so I was S.A.F.E. (So Absolutely Free Except---the part where we come home!) ACK. 

Actually I managed to keep surprising control without serious consequences this past week. SC was definitely not inconsistent. He gave warnings, the "look", a few squeezes here and there, and yes, random swats when we were alone...but even though I am sure I crossed the respect line a few times, I made it home with only a "healthy maintenance" session to look forward to. "Healthy maintenance?!?" What in the world does that mean?!?! It doesn't sound....delightful. At. All. 

I did get spanked a little this morning for some attitude...with a warning that tonight he would be reestablishing rules and roles. : / That just sounds....ick. Too much like reality. 

I am missing my spank free cabin in the mountains....

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just maintenance...but this is "healthy maintenance" <insert growling stare here> Oh, and did I mention I have had a REALLY rude awakening of reality today? It has been a rougher than rough day. Somewhere along the road today I think I just stopped caring...thinking well, I am already in super trouble....I doubt it could get any worse...

Trying to get those lovely little people in my house back to reality to finish some schoolwork today was ummmm challenging. And I failed the challenge. :( 

All of a sudden I am yearning for "healthy maintenance." 

Ugh. Yesterday while I certainly wasn't looking forward to being spanked, I WAS looking forward to that reconnecting we would have...the reassertion of roles I knew we needed...but now? Now I am dreading tonight. 

I totally need a redo, not a rude reckoning of rules, roles, and reality. 

Rising Above Disappointment

So, this morning I broke my No Yelling streak. :( I made it 10 days, and I am super excited about that...but I am super disappointed about breaking it. Not only about yelling at my child, but because I really didn't think I yelled at all...SC says that's my opinion. I guess this is one of those times my opinion doesn't hold as much weight as I would like... I agreed I was not very respectful to my daughter and perhaps could have handled it differently, but I was not convinced I "blew it." Sigh. To say I am bummed is an understatement.

I was doing so well...so I am frustrated to have to start over. I was a little angry because I am not convinced SC was right...my bum is bummed because it was spanked over it.  I don't get full punishments for yelling at the kids, just a few swats. This morning I think SC knew how super disappointed about it I was and went really easy on me. I can't remember the last time he spanked me with just his hand. In all fairness to myself I thought I handled my disagreeing with him over it really respectfully and accepted the punishment gracefully even though I disagreed...that's a silver lining I guess...

So this is the part where the rubber meets the road...where the all or nothing part of me gets challenged. Since I failed (though I really didn't, since I completed more than my original goal of 7 days!) will I be able to pick myself up and continue to see how long I can go next time?

I need to move on and step up. This is important. I know that..I want it...I just need to get over my disappointment and rise above! It's just h.a.r.d.

I am sunburned and tired...have a crazy weekend facing me and a possible breach of procrastination to deal with...ugh...perhaps overcoming is overrated...

Perhaps I will take up pessimism... ;)

All or Nothing

I am and always have been an "all or nothing" kind of person. I like to say I am not a procrastinator, I simply like to wait until I have a large chunk of time to get it all done at once! ;)

I am a perfectionist. I like to get it all right. The kind of person that scowled at a 97% because..ugh I could have should have gotten 100%. And of course a 100% was only good if extra credit wasn't available. Are you following me here?

I have issues. I know.

Some of this has been worked out on the road of life. Perfection is not possible. I have to settle for excellent. ;)

But then...there are those areas I don't come close to perfect...or excellent. The areas of life I pretty much gave up on.

DD has brought new perspective to those areas of my life. Some of them at this point, I am no longer able to hide from. I have to face them, confront them, and I am forced to engage....even if the score at the end is an F.

This is challenging.

This week I have been on a 7 day No Yelling challenge. So far, I have barely completed six days. (Today had a close call!) This was one of those areas I was "nothing" in previously. I had failed the "all" so I had given up and resigned myself to be a yeller. Well, dd changed that. I have been spanked...a lot, for yelling at my kids. While I was improving, I had begun to think I still may never succeed. This week I faced it head on and have made it 6 days! One more to go to complete my challenge! It may not be "all" but it sure is heck better than "nothing!"

Weight loss is another all or nothing in my life. I have a considerable amount to lose and I have done more diets than I can count. I am either all in or all out. This is one of those areas we decided to let dd help. Not focusing on weight loss, but focusing on improving healthy habits. I have increased my water intake and am going to the gym three times a week. They are rules, and I am obeying them. Again, no where near all, but way better than nothing!

Last night I was spanked. Not for yelling at the kids, but for a few disrespectful comments to SC. I was frustrated. Why? because I am all or nothing! I am on a 7 day no yelling challenge, and in my mind I wanted to be spank free during that time. I made it 6 days...sigh. SC assured me it had nothing to do with my challenge, but I still felt disappointment. And really 6 days without being spanked is pretty good in my world!

The road to improvement has no room for all or nothing. I am a work in progress...Learning that sometimes...I have to live in the or of all or nothing.

"Calm Down:" Them's Fightin' Words!

This week, I heard a lady on the radio talking about the two worst words to utter in an argument with a woman. "Calm down." She said it was the surest way to make a woman angry.

Back in our pre-dd days, those two words uttered at ANY time were enough to make me explode. I HATE being told to calm down. It's like the other person is telling you that they are more in control than you, that they are more mature, or more rational. Perhaps all of those things are true. :P but I still don't want to hear it! ;) Especially Even from my husband. I hear the words in my head (in my best ghetto accent) Them's fightin' words!" 

I was telling SC about this radio show and I felt a little justified in my hatred for that phrase. See it's not just me ya know? Telling a woman to calm down is counter productive. SC was not exactly amused. Yeah, pretty sure I can tell you to calm down. And you will. Because I am the HoH

Hmmph. Roles quickly reaffirmed! Lol so much for my justification!

The truth is in the last 9 months, my loving and very much in charge HoH tells me in many ways (often) to "settle down," "calm down," "watch the attitude," etc. Maybe verbally or non verbally, but I certainly know what that raised eyebrow means... And USUALLY I get a clue pretty fast to respond and CALM DOWN.

One of the greatest benefits of dd in our marriage is how it takes the games out of it. When someone tells someone to calm down....usually they really need to. They may not want to hear it and the one saying it might not be completely innocent but hey... Truth is truth. But I know I was the master game player in arguments. I would make an argument about everything BUT the issue at hand. I didn't do it intentionally, I am just emotional! Telling me to calm down in an argument would be an argument all to itself!

"Calm down" seems rather tame as compared to "get in the corner" or "over the bed" so why does it occasionally still drive me crazy? I mean I GAVE him that right when we entered a dd relationship. I gave him the authority to be HoH. I have gotten better....most of the time I respond well to the warning, but then there are times when I am SUPER angry or aggravated about something (like this morning) and being told to "settle down" just makes me want to scream! I mean, I should be upset. I should be angry. Ok ok, we were at a sports activity for our son and perhaps I was making a bigger deal of it than I should .... And no, there was nothing that could be done about it then....BUT....BUT....talking about it makes me feel better! Ok ok, it was not helpful, and I should have calmed down...unfortunately I didn't heed the first warning and I feel pretty badly about how I handled it...

On a positive note, while it did frustrate me in that moment for him to call me out when I was upset about something, none of the old feelings of "how dare he" came anywhere near the surface. Gone are those days! Oh how far I have come, huh?!? The paradigm has shifted. Today I was frustrated because I wanted to vent, not because he shouldn't have told me to "calm down" as I used to think. He has every right...he's the HoH. And not only that, I am now forced to actually change MY behavior when called out instead of finding the fault in HIS behavior that contributed or played a part. Oh the joys of TTWD!

When the HoH is Away...

You know the old saying, When the cat's away the mice will play? 

Well, that's not really what happens of course. I am an ADULT. A responsible, mature, wife and mother. 

So WHY OH WHY was I panicking when my dear HoH was preparing to leave on a business trip?!?! He doesn't travel often, but does take several trips a year. This was not the first time we had been away since since starting TTWD, but it was the first time he was the one leaving...

Yet, I had so many concerns about him leaving. I always have a hard time when he goes away. My kids are small, it is a lot on me, I hate sleeping without him next to me. I hate dark quiet nights alone. I don't fall asleep easily when he is gone so I end up exhausted. This trip the kids are a little older and honestly, his lack of help was not as missed...just him. 

Before he left I wondered, How would I survive?!?! 

My greatest concerns: 

--I am so needy since starting dd. How would I make it through eight days without him holding me?

--I HATE having punishment hanging over me...what would happen when I messed up and knew I was in trouble, but had to wait?!?!? (He suggested that silent spanking cream....thankfully I convinced him that was a bad idea!)

--In eight days I would probably have a slew of punishments built up...

--We had just had "the Perfect Storm" and while we were "ok" I still felt unsettled. 

Thankfully, it was spring break this week and I appreciated not having as full a plate as usual, not having school in the mix. Despite my fears, I survived. 

SC asked me to keep a list of punishable offenses. Yuck. 

I really really really wanted to make it through the week without messing up...

Yeah, screwed that up the first night. UGH

He comes home tonight...I have told him about most of it....but there are a few things I have yet to tell him about. One, I really thought wasn't a big deal, but some dd friends inform me it might be bigger than I thought : / 

I REALLY hate messing up. I REALLY hate disappointing him. Most of the issues are minor --swattable things, but not full punishments...but there are one or two that make me nervous...I hate waiting...

My biggest concern of all about him leaving? Being nervous about him coming home. I was really scared that if I messed up enough I would be conflicted in my feelings about him coming home. Of course I would want him home, but how would him coming home and having to punish me affect that excitement?

Well, he comes home tonight. The list of transgressions is much longer than I would have liked. I am super super bummed about that. But I am OVER THE MOON excited about him coming home. 

Yeah. I know in the next several days I am going to get spanked...but then he will HOLD ME. And I will be back in his arms where I belong.

The week apart has had a few unexpected bonus'. I had plenty of time to reflect and consider what happened last week (in the Perfect Storm), was able to get some great feedback and insight from experienced and respected dders, and my bottom has had a chance to go eight days spank free. . . if only it could last . . . ;) 

The Long Road to Submission

Eight months ago the simple mention of the word "submit" would make me roll my eyes and shake my head. The word "obey?" Forget it!

When I think about how far I have come from that me, I am amazed. The new me happily submits (well at least most of the time!), I find joy in obeying my HoH (most of the time!)-- in pleasing him. I delight in our new roles, and I treasure being protected and cherished.

I have come so far. I know that I have. We have. But after last weeks fiasco, I was left baffled and questioning. I sought out advice from people we respect (thanks Clint and Chelsea! (@ www.learningdd.com) and what I got was not was I was expecting. I was forced to look at things from a new perspective. I still haven't figured it all out, but I am trying. Trying to be introspective and honest with myself.

I have discovered some things about myself that I am less than pleased about. Thoughts that make me think I am so far form the submissive wife I want to be. . . I had no idea how much I was trying to control, even manipulate. When it is conscious, I can admit that. But to realize how I was failing without even recognizing it? It has been an emotional struggle.

The road to submission has bumps and wrong turns . . . realizing you aren't as far as you thought on the road is a tough realization. I know I need to focus on how far I have come. But right now? I am just upset with myself for disappointing him. . .

Sometimes, being a perfectionist is hard. I have always been the one with the highest expectations for myself . . . it is hard to come face to face with your failures and shortcomings. I want to grow as a person, as a mother, as a submissive wife.

This road can be lonely. I think I am feeling the full impact of that because my HoH is out of town right now. I am struggling through these emotions alone. In one way, I am glad for the time to reflect and work things out in my head and heart....but sometimes this lifestyle can seem isolating. I can't talk to my irl friends about this. Although the thought makes me laugh. So, after I got paddled, he sent me to corner. ;)

This road is hard, but I know worth it....I know I need to focus on how far I have come, not how far I have to go. <sigh> But sometimes...it's just hard.


(BTW, anyone have any idea how hard it is for a sanguine to hit "publish" on a whiny blog post?!?)

DD: The Emotional Roller Coaster

I have never been a detail person, and that includes the details of my own emotions. I never was one to recognize PMS or be aware of mood swings. . . .maybe they weren't bad or maybe I was just clueless to it. I am a flash in the pan kind of emotional person-- you know, something happens -- I erupt, huge fight and then most of the time the next day I can't even remember what it was about. I never was very in-tuned to my own emotions.

Then enter dd.

All of a sudden I knew and could articulate every emotion that flashed across my brain. At first it was out of necessity. Domestic discipline was completely new to us, both in idea and in practice. We were so in tune to each other over those first few weeks and even months. I think for the first months I barely had a thought involving him that I didn't share. 

As time went on, I am still acutely aware of my own emotions, but I have gotten worse at articulating those emotions to my HoH.

Honestly, my emotions are all over the place and I cannot always understand them, let alone articulate them.

I am ridiculously emotionally needy. I have always been an independent person. Not needy at all, and yet now I need to communicate with my husband more than ever. I need to know what he is thinking about us, and that we are ok constantly. Perhaps this will ease up in time, I hope so, because I hate being needy! 

I over think everything. Was that disrespecful? well, he didn't say anything. . . .so maybe it wasn't.... Then I end up frustrated. He isn't touching me enough....He isn't communicating enough. Is something wrong???  Too much thinking and making issues out of things that aren't. This is easily resolved in communication, but constantly asking my HoH is everything is ok or if he is upset about something has to be annoying to him!  

I am insatiable in the area of physical touch. Touch is definitely my love language, but over the last few months I cannot seem to get enough. Not sexual touch, but just intimate close body physical touch. I need to be cuddled not just after being punished but touched and held every morning, every night and any time in between! I can't sleep without his body touching mine in some way. I feel ridiculous for needing it, but I love it at the same time. (see this crazy roller coaster!?!)

I have a deep desire to experience regularly the closeness and "connectedness" we achieved in our initial months of dd. When we began dd, communication drastically changed. For one, my husband was granted a voice in our relationship that he had never had before. We began communicating every detail of emotion to "check up" on each other, to be sure dd was doing 'good' in our relationship. Because of that communication and the nature of dd, we experienced a closeness that is indescribable. Occasionally, due to different circumstances, that closeness or emotional connectedness gets broken. Having experienced it, there is no going back and I am completely out of sorts until it is re-established. 

So, what breaks that emotional connection?

--I am unsure such "constant connection" is feasible, and perhaps my expectation needs to be altered. I am not saying we should not be/feel connected, but life is busy and there may be times that we don't have that intense emotional connection.  I know we need to explore ways to gain it back when it is lost. Maintenance and role affirmation might play the biggest role here. Though as a dd wife, it is hard to admit the need for this, even when we know it will bring the desired outcome. 

--Lack of communication. Life gets busy, HoH's don't always share as much as we would like, I start to pull away emotionally when this happens. Perhaps there is something I am not telling him. I am pretty good at confessing a broken rule, but not so good at expressing my need to reconnect which might involve a spanking, or my lack of telling him when something he has "blown off" is unsettled with me still. I don't want to tell him how to be HoH, yet, I have this emotional need that needs to be dealt with. 

--Inconsistency on the part of the HoH. This is a big issue in the dd community. I know not everyone has experienced problems in this area, but I would assume it is pretty common. It is a pretty frustrating experience emotionally. The dd wife does something wrong, the HoH either doesn't address it at all or addresses it and does nothing about. So many emotions go through my mind when this happens, and I have no idea what causes the different reactions or when they will present themselves! 

I don't envy HoH's everywhere. Spank too often, we get upset. Not enough...we get angry. Too hard...we get mad...too light....we get frustrated. Goodness, I am glad I am the dd wife and not the HoH!

I really struggle with this emotional roller coaster. DD has been amazing in our marriage, but I often get frustrated with myself for being so needy. Am I alone in this? Am I crazy? ;) 

"We are doing it all wrong"

Not the words you want to hear from your HoH. A few weeks ago SC informed me that he was "doing it all wrong." Huh?!? Yeah, apparently after re-reading a few articles on LearningDD, he has decided he is not spanking hard enough. <gasp!> Wait a minute, Clint isn't always right . . . right?!?! ;) AGH. Seriously?!?

It has been a few weeks since SC has upped the degree of discipline. Good Grief! It has been tough. I still don't think he is meeting the guidelines exactly of how hard to spank (so he says anyway). But goodness...what would 3/4 strength feel like?!?! I pray I never find out! ;)

Beginner level? ummmmm . . . I think I need the beginner version for wimps!