10 Things My Vanilla Friends Would Be Horrified to Know about Me...

You know that number thing going on around Facebook? Like the status and you get a number and have to share that many things about yourself? Well, my number is 10. Only I can't share the things NO ONE really knows... but it would be fun if I could, just imagine their reaction!

(please don't hate, don't judge...this is supposed to be the safe place right....RIGHT?!?!? ;)

1. I am submissive. (I know, I know, no surprise to all of you, but my vanilla friends would fall over in their chairs laughing at that statement!)

2. My husband spanks me. Like when I break rules..and for fun...but they aren't the same...in fact...I am sitting here writing this on a pretty bruised bum...

3.  I often call my husband "Sir" .... well, sometimes he requires it. 

4. I have to write lines for doing stupid things sometimes...and I have had to stand in the corner once in a while...

5. We go all 50 Shades in the bedroom occasionally...

6. There are bondage "things" hidden in our room--- attached to the bed actually...and other places...

7.  My husband has a "toy bag." (yeah those kinds of toys SC is a bit of a toy and implement junkie...the good and the bad...going to need a 2nd bag soon) (I keep saying we need to put a disclaimer on it in case we die...you know "Do not look in here if we die, just throw this bag away!")

8. My Kindle is full of dd and spanking fiction. Go ahead...be horrified. And yes, I have been spanked for spending too much on spanking fiction...go ahead and laugh...

9. Yes, I read all three 50 Shades books...yes, I know I vehemently denied it...but really they are tame and boring compared to Renee Rose and Maddie Taylor...

10. Oh, and BTW, I write a secret blog about my life in domestic discipline...

Can you just imagine those vanilla faces?!?! Oh my... oh well. Guess I will go write something from which they won't die of a heart attack ...

The Importance of Spanking in DD (for me)

Recently I read a post of at LDD about dd without spanking. I admit, I did a lot of thinking about this. You hear a lot of dd people say how spanking is only part of it...a small part for many. So, I have given this a bit of thought, because honestly, for us, spanking has been a big part of dd.
(I completely understand that this is not the same for all...and that for some couples spanking does not work the same way...and that for some spanking is impossible.)*disclaimer -- hence the title of this post! 

We as dd wives often talk about the fact that we don't know why spanking works, we just know it does.

It settles us.

It is stress relief

It resets us

It helps us to remain/get into a submissive state

It works, and is therefore, for us, a critical part of dd.

This week, I got a taste of life in dd without spanking. Something happened last week that kind of upset the cart. SC declared us on a spanking hiatus until he could work it out. He was still HoH, I was still to keep the rules, there would still be consequences, just not spanking.

Corner time, journal entries...they just don't "reset" like a spanking does. I still feel guilt for much of the last week...Corner time makes me ANGRY...so that's not very effective! :P

I have just felt...unsettled.

So, that made me think more...what IS IT about spanking... why does that do what it does?

I still don't have all the answers...but I think my eyes were opened a little.

1. It asserts his authority

2. It causes you to submit-- the simple act of being sent to the bedroom or over the bed can sometimes resettle me into submission

3. It humbles you: The simple act of going OTB or OTK is a HUMBLING position

4. Physical connection: simple hand to bottom connection-- It is not only physical connection, but the physical connection does further amplify your roles

5. It strips your defenses-- It is hard to be defensive in this position. You are no longer defending yourself or attacking your HoH, you are focused on where you failed, and how to not do it again. 

6. It renders you physically vulnerable-- no where to go, nothing else to distract

7. It renders you emotionally vulnerable-- all false pretenses are gone in this position

8. It releases guilt-- things are atoned

9. It releases the HoH from any frustration or disappointment-- he has "taken care of things"

10. The pain causes physical release of endorphins in your body-- this can feel like an emotional release. (catharsis)

11. It leads to a physical reconnection

12. It leads to emotional reconnection. 


Corner time, lines, essays, grounding...while all effective punishments in their own right, do not do what spankings do (for me).

While I know some are perfectly content to have dd without spanking...dd without spanking has left me restless and disconnected. I feel like I did before dd-- we are "fine". "Fine" is no longer acceptable....

Good thing he has declared R/A for tonight...I am ready to be back connected in his arms...after being over his lap of course.


**this was written a few days ago...we have had R/A and all is right in our little world once again!

Role Affirmation

What is Role-Affirmation?

Role Affirmation is a lot like maintenance spankings, but unlike maintenance which can target a specific rule needed to be worked on, or simply be regularly scheduled for any number of reasons, role affirmation is solely for the purpose of reaffirming the roles of HoH and submissive wife. Role Affirmation is not as severe as punishment spankings, for us they are more like maintenance. For us Role Affirmation spankings are always done OTK as opposed to punishments which are almost always done OTB. Being OTK makes me feel more connected. The physical closeness and connectedness helps plays a part in the emotional reconnection that happens during R/A.

Why Role-Affirmation? 

Staying submissive is not easy for me. And once I start slipping here or there, I steamroll fast. My husband is amazing, but he is not a mind reader, and he doesn't always see the small subtle cues that I am battling my inner-submissive. If he doesn't catch it early, it isn't long before I am a sassy mess. The eye rolling, disrespectful comments, and yes, the dreaded bratting begins in full force.

Without putting the breaks on quickly, it all too quickly leads to a punishment spanking. Except...there is something that can stop it before it gets out of hand-- role affirmation. A role affirmation spanking can reset us in our roles and reaffirm my HoH in his place as head of our relationship and me in the submissive role. I offer submission, but sometimes I need to be reminded that he took me up on it!

Another reason for role affirmation is before or after either partner has been away. We find this very helpful. Not always, but occasionally before either of us leave he will do R/A to help me get in the right frame of mind before either of us leave. Whenever I am away from him, the dynamics of life change, and I don't have the constant interaction with him that helps our dd dynamic thrive. Often when we are apart, I am left in charge of everything-- the house, the kids, day to day decisions. It is easy to slip into isolated independence. While there is nothing wrong with providing that which is needed while he is gone, sometimes the transition back to him physically present is challenging. I am out of the practice of asking permission for certain things, am not as careful of my tone with him, being held accountable consistently, etc. When we come back together, he will usually use Role-Affirmation as a way to reconnect and reestablish us back in our roles.

One of the major benefits for me of R/A is that it can often keep me from receiving a punishment spanking. I know the concept of a spanking preventing a spanking is rather counter-intuitive, but it works. DD is pretty much entirely pragmatic right? We do it because it works...not because we can explain it! If SC sees me edging closer to the line, he can often reign me in with R/A before it gets to the point that he has to punish. A lot of times for this purpose it is in the mornings when he is about to leave for the day, and he can see that the track I am does not have the greatest outlook for the day. A quick trip to the bathroom for some R/A resettles me and drastically increases the statistical probability I will make it through the day without breaking a rule! Since R/A spankings are nowhere near as hard as a punishment spanking, I would much rather catch it early and skip the punishment!

Who Initiates Role-Affirmation?

In the beginning, I was often the one to initiate role-affirmation. I would never come out and say "I need a role affirmation spanking..." I am not crazy! I would say little things like "I am feeling unsettled..." or "I feel disconnected." He began to understand those cues, and he would offer R/A.

After awhile, I felt less comfortable expressing my needs in this area. I admit this is a fault. I should be comfortable with it, but I think most dd wives understand the frustration of feeling needy! Asking for R/A made me feel needy...why couldn't I just feel submissive? Why do I need to be spanked to avoid a spanking? Frustrating and futile self-talk. The fact of the matter is...it helps, so I need to embrace it.

SC is the one who initiates it before or after being away. He will declare time for R/A if he seems me slipping or edging too close to the line. In our relationship, either can initiate. In his case he declares it, and in mine I may request it...or more likely subtly hint to the need for it!

Who initiate will likely depend on your dd dynamic. Some HoH's might be ok with the wife suggesting or asking for it...others might not.

How is it different than maintenance?

Some may read this and ask, this sounds an awful lot like maintenance. And maybe in your dd relationship, maintenance is enough. For us, while we don't do "regularly" scheduled maintenance, SC will call for maintenance if he sees a slip in certain rules, or I need reminding of a certain rule or rules. In maintenance, SC always goes over our list of rules and refocusing on all rules and our relationship is the goal. Role Affirmation is almost like targeted maintenance. It isn't for any particular infraction or reminder, it is simply about reminding both HoH and submissive wife of their roles. While maintenance has many physical purposes-- keeping you from physically needed a punishment, Role Affirmation is purely emotional-- reestablish the connection before you act out due to emotional unsettledness.

But is it fair?

I know a lot of couples have issues with the ideas of maintenance and role-affirmation. DD is TTWD...we all have to be comfortable with the boundaries of our own dynamics. If this works for you, great. If it doesn't, great!

I think with R/A, if it doesn't "work" for the wife-- make her more submissive, feeling emotionally connected, and happy with the relationship, then this wouldn't be fair and she wouldn't want it. However, if it does the intended or the wife requests it...perhaps it is worth a shot. If either partner feels uncomfortable with it afterward, you know that R/A isn't for you.

Well, those are my thoughts on R/A...written as requested by a dear friend and fellow blogger. Hope it helps someone!

The HoH: Great Privilege and Great Responsibility

We have all heard the quote "With great freedom comes great responsibility" -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Well, it's true. And with great privilege comes great responsibility.

When our husbands took on the role of Head of House, they took on an amazing coat of responsibility. I don't think either of us could have fully understood the depth of that responsibility. The HoH is the leader, protector, rule maker, rule enforcer, emotions monitor, and all around rock of the relationship. 

No pressure, right? 

When our HoH's mess up...the foundation shakes. A shaky foundation is SCARY. I am the one who messes up. I make mistakes...not him. When he does fail--when not if--because he WILL, he is human, I can feel lost and confused...unsure of everything. 

He holds my trust because he has earned it. He earns it every day. The role he plays in my life is a great privilege-- one I have granted him. 

My H takes that responsibility seriously. And honestly, rarely does he flub it up. I mean, of course he says something here or there that he shouldn't and he apologizes and all is fine...but rarely has he really shaken the foundation. 

Unfortunately, that happened last weekend. He messed up, and it sent me into a tailspin. It wasn't earth shattering and it wasn't so drastic...but it shook me up nonetheless. We spun right back to over a year ago, pre-dd, and fought like we haven't since then. I said hurtful things, he said hurtful things. I stormed upstairs and he let me. He silently went to bed, fell asleep, and I lay there...crushed. 

How did that happen so quickly? How did we tailspin backwards a year...all the progress of the last year gone in the blink of a disrespectful conversation. 

I got up from the bed, walked out of our room and went downstairs...fully expecting him to call out to me at any moment. He never lets me walk away angry. I normally can't get up to use the restroom at night without him waking up and asking if everything is ok. 

Yet, nothing. He just let me go. 

I was devastated.

Oh the many things I wanted to say to him. The forbidden "J" word came to mind often (Jerk--which he HATES). I almost used it just to see if he would snap out of wherever he had taken himself...almost..apparently I did have some small sense of self preservation left. 

Today we talked...I told him how shattered I was. That he is the HoH, and I don't know what to do when he acts like that. He said I was too angry and he was too angry. He said I was being defensive and disrespectful. I shot back with whose fault is that??? If I am too much for you to handle just tell me. 

Where was this coming from??? Who was this person??? I told  him, you are the HoH, you don't get to act like that. You don't get to make mistakes like that. 

SC: You expect me to be perfect.

No, I don't ....not perfect...well, maybe close to perfect...

SC: You expect my emotions to be bulletproof.

Wait. He may have a point. I guess I do. I don't often leave him any room for error. I have established in my own mind what is "HoH worthy behavior" and nothing less is acceptable.

And I told him that...in not such a respectful way...I told  him his behavior was not "HoH worthy."

I was harsh. 

I have given him the gift of my submission and I expect him to treasure it. To guard it. And he does...but that doesn't mean he won't mess up. It doesn't mean he doesn't get angry and do and say the wrong things sometimes. 

Perhaps my expectations are slightly askew. Perhaps I don't offer him enough grace...(telling him I am about to go Spencer plan on him isn't very graceful is it?!?!)

In the end he did apologize, and I did get spanked...and we did restore our relationship back to its rightful place...but I spent several days still slightly afloat. The foundation was still intact but the shaking left me unsettled. It took several days of serious consistency and him not missing a thing for me to feel settled again...He held me close...just where I needed to be.

My HoH is an amazing husband, and a fantastic Head of House...but he is not perfect nor should I expect him to be. He has been given a great privilege with my submission, and I expect, and he delivers...great responsibility.   

When they mess up, we don't get the privilege of spanking them. In fact, when they mess up we usually get spanked because of how we respond to their mistake...

It's hard. But it is what we have chosen. They mess up, we get angry, we get spanked, all is well. What if we changed the pattern? What if I changed the pattern? What if he messed up, I forgave him, and all was well...(skip the disrespect and spanking part!) Offering grace and forgiveness...but they deserve it. My H deserves it.

He treats his great privilege as a great responsibility...and to me, that is a great treasure. 

His and Her's Meme

A little late to the party, but we finally got around to answering Callie's Meme from About Us. Jennelle at A New Perspective and Tricia at Love of My Life, Head of the House also participated if you haven't checked them out yet. 

The first set of questions are me answering about my H, and the second set are his answers about me. 

Enjoy!

1. Using three words, describe your husband’s personality.

Loyal, honest, caring

2. What cologne do you prefer him to wear?

Polo sport

3. He looks totally sexy wearing…

These super sexy black boxers he has…

4. You’re going on vacation and the first thing he packs is:

An implement…and then his fishing stuff.

5. Would he pay a tradesman (plumber/electrician/builder) or do it himself?

He does everything himself…I have to beg for him to hire someone just because we don’t get enough time with him!

6. Would he rather watch sports or play sports?

Watch football…play—fishing (that’s a sport right?) and kayaking

7. If you could buy him any brand new car, what would you get him?

A truck… an F250

8. The stereo in his car is most likely playing:

Country

9. His favorite tv show:

Duck Dynasty

10. His hand gets itchy when:

Just one thing? When I get disrespectful…or speed...or yell...or roll my eyes...yeah...he's twitchy ;)

11. What is he likely to be doing on the weekend?

Helping around the house, playing with the kids, watching football, fishing every once in awhile when he can get away…

12. How many siblings does he have?

He’s an only child..

13. The thing I love most about him is:

He is the best listener … for me and anyone who needs a listening ear. He is the one everyone comes to in crisis.

1.  Using three words, describe your wife's personality.

Exciting, determined, sanguine

      2. What perfume do you prefer her to wear?

She doesn’t wear perfume          

3.       She looks totally sexy wearing…

Lingerie

      4.       You’re going on vacation and the first thing she packs is:

The kids’ stuff

      5.       Would she pay a cleaner/housekeeper or do it herself?

She would rather pay, but she does it herself anyway       

6.       Would she rather watch or Play sports?

play.

      7.       If you could buy her any brand new car, what would you get her?

I think she has her perfect car.

      8.       The stereo in her car is most likely playing:

Kids Music Together or Way FM

      9.       His favorite TV show:

Currently? We don’t watch TV. I guess I would have to say Covert Affairs? Is that right? I don’t know that she has a favorite…

     10.   Your habit that she finds really irritating

      Which one? I can only list one? Let’s see…tickling her feet.

     11.   What is she likely to be doing on the weekend?

Running kids around…

     12.   How many siblings does she have?

5

     13.   The thing I love most about her is:

I hate those “most questions” there’s too many things to choose from. I have to pick one? <yes> Her integrity.

Well that was fun...even if it took forever to get those questions answered! :) 

Reluctant Consent

Warning-- this blog post was difficult for me to write. So difficult in fact, it represents emotions and feelings of several months ago because I just wasn't ready to share it. However, I think vulnerability in emotions in this lifestyle is healthy, and maybe, just maybe it might help someone else...


In the DD world, the concept of consent is big. Like HUGE. Consent is everything. We live this lifestyle because we choose to, regardless of whose idea it was or who initially wanted it.  We do it because we mutually agree to this type of relationship.

We are no different. I submit to SC and have granted consent to a domestic discipline lifestyle.

Just because I have granted consent, doesn't mean I always like it.

DD wasn't my idea. And honestly, sometimes I have questioned it. Especially after a particularly hard spanking.

A few months ago was one one of such times. I was in trouble...again...and it was a pretty intense spanking.

I got mad.

Yeah, not the reaction he was going for with that paddling.

As he tried to hold me, and was not oblivious to my emotions and distancing, I turned to him and asked:

"How can you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Spank me like that. How can you do that? Why do you do it?"

I was battling this inner struggle, not for the first time, of how could this man that I love and respect, actually follow through with spanking me. I mean, it's no play thing. Punishment spankings hurt. They can be intense. Occasionally I question how or why we do this. Why does he do it, why do I let him.

It is part of the emotional roller coaster for me. One moment I am complaining (albeit internally) that he doesn't spank often enough or hard enough...or consistent enough. How could he let that go?

And then half a breath later, How can he do that?

Yeah, there is nothing rational about it, but it is the reality of my emotions nonetheless.

Only this time, I voiced my thoughts. I actually asked him how he could do it. I asked him why.

I held my breath as I waited for him to answer.

He held me tight and he responded,

Because I love you. And because you have asked me to. You have asked me to hold  you accountable, and I am just following through on my part. 

Dang rational HoH brain.

You see, hard spankings may make me angry sometimes, and I may question why we do this, but ultimately he has my consent. I agreed to it. With one word it could all stop.

We have talked about that-- stopping dd that is. I don't think I really want to stop when I have brought it up...maybe I just need to be reassured that I have that choice? That I wouldn't ruin our relationship if I pulled consent.

He is never really please with that conversation. He has no desire to give up dd. I don't either...but sometimes...sometimes I question. Sometimes, while I have granted consent, it is reluctant.

For weeks after that spanking I was "off." I don't really know what was going on. I struggled to find that submissive place I work from in dd. I am not naturally submissive. I have to work hard to get to that place. I like it when I am there. I enjoy pleasing him, I enjoy the care and tenderness he offers there. I love being "His."

But reluctant consent is a difficult balancing act. It is an inner emotional battle. We continue because cognitively I know we need to-- in my head I know this lifestyle is right...but I don't feel it in reluctant consent.

I can't fake it. I never have been a good liar. Actually I am terrible at it. My emotions are an open book. So when my consent is reluctant, I need to keep communication with my H open. He needs to know what I am thinking and feeling so he can help me.

It took awhile to get back to normal. I cannot guarantee I will never feel that way again. I doubt that is the last time a spanking will make me angry...I doubt it will be the last time I question why. But the wave passed. The feeling of lostness with it has gone.


So, this post feels so depressing. I was in a rough place for awhile as far as dd goes. For about a month a lot of questions plagued me. Things are better. A lot better. And while I know my questions which are fueled by emotions will probably creep back, the longer we are in the lifestyle, the more reasons we find to continue.

Honesty and communication in this lifestyle are so important. I am so very glad I was able to share even the difficult details of this with my H. We don't face anything--even the toughest emotional battles -- alone.

Reluctant consent may not be a great place to be...but it has its own lessons to be learned. I'm just glad it's over....Reluctant Consent. It may be reluctant, but it was still consent. And I am super glad it has given way to just plain 'ole consent.

"Am I Making Myself Clear" Spankings

We talk a lot about the different kind of spankings we as dd wives receive-- punishments, maintenance, stress relief, resets, good girl ...well, I experienced a new one this week. I know, lucky me right?!?

SC was gone for a few days last week and though it was short...it was long enough for me to do something STUPID. Yeah. Super stupid. And seriously y'all, I don't even use the word stupid. It's like a total four letter word around here.

I totally lost it and screamed at one of the kids. I was so totally ashamed, devastated really. I cannot believe I did it. I have always been a yeller, but we have made such strides in this area...I cannot believe I screwed up so badly. I apologized soon after it happened and worked hard to make it up to him. He was the sweetest thing ever and forgave me right away. We redeemed the day, and actually had a great rest of the day.

But, I couldn't undo what had been done. My fate was sealed.

When he gets home from a trip it is always so bitter sweet...I can't WAIT for him to get home, but I totally know with him comes the spanking of all the rules I have broken...

Besides the crazy loss of my mind with our child, I had a speeding incident that involved 15 mph over the limit...

I knew it was bad when he sent me up to our room, and lie on the bed to wait for him. He never does that.

Then I should have further deduced the seriousness of the moment when I saw 2 wooden paddles, a leather paddle, and a strap. GULP.

Further understanding might have been had when he told me to lie flat on the bed for the warm up so it wouldn't be so long OTB later. GASP.

What in the world?!?

I am going to make this memorable. The next time you go to scream at our kids, I want you to remember this so we don't end up back here. 

A whole-heck-of-a-lot of spanks later...

Am I making myself clear?

Crystal....sir. ;)

I don't recommend "Am I making myself clear" spankings...I recommend avoiding them at all costs.