The HoH: Great Privilege and Great Responsibility

We have all heard the quote "With great freedom comes great responsibility" -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Well, it's true. And with great privilege comes great responsibility.

When our husbands took on the role of Head of House, they took on an amazing coat of responsibility. I don't think either of us could have fully understood the depth of that responsibility. The HoH is the leader, protector, rule maker, rule enforcer, emotions monitor, and all around rock of the relationship. 

No pressure, right? 

When our HoH's mess up...the foundation shakes. A shaky foundation is SCARY. I am the one who messes up. I make mistakes...not him. When he does fail--when not if--because he WILL, he is human, I can feel lost and confused...unsure of everything. 

He holds my trust because he has earned it. He earns it every day. The role he plays in my life is a great privilege-- one I have granted him. 

My H takes that responsibility seriously. And honestly, rarely does he flub it up. I mean, of course he says something here or there that he shouldn't and he apologizes and all is fine...but rarely has he really shaken the foundation. 

Unfortunately, that happened last weekend. He messed up, and it sent me into a tailspin. It wasn't earth shattering and it wasn't so drastic...but it shook me up nonetheless. We spun right back to over a year ago, pre-dd, and fought like we haven't since then. I said hurtful things, he said hurtful things. I stormed upstairs and he let me. He silently went to bed, fell asleep, and I lay there...crushed. 

How did that happen so quickly? How did we tailspin backwards a year...all the progress of the last year gone in the blink of a disrespectful conversation. 

I got up from the bed, walked out of our room and went downstairs...fully expecting him to call out to me at any moment. He never lets me walk away angry. I normally can't get up to use the restroom at night without him waking up and asking if everything is ok. 

Yet, nothing. He just let me go. 

I was devastated.

Oh the many things I wanted to say to him. The forbidden "J" word came to mind often (Jerk--which he HATES). I almost used it just to see if he would snap out of wherever he had taken himself...almost..apparently I did have some small sense of self preservation left. 

Today we talked...I told him how shattered I was. That he is the HoH, and I don't know what to do when he acts like that. He said I was too angry and he was too angry. He said I was being defensive and disrespectful. I shot back with whose fault is that??? If I am too much for you to handle just tell me. 

Where was this coming from??? Who was this person??? I told  him, you are the HoH, you don't get to act like that. You don't get to make mistakes like that. 

SC: You expect me to be perfect.

No, I don't ....not perfect...well, maybe close to perfect...

SC: You expect my emotions to be bulletproof.

Wait. He may have a point. I guess I do. I don't often leave him any room for error. I have established in my own mind what is "HoH worthy behavior" and nothing less is acceptable.

And I told him that...in not such a respectful way...I told  him his behavior was not "HoH worthy."

I was harsh. 

I have given him the gift of my submission and I expect him to treasure it. To guard it. And he does...but that doesn't mean he won't mess up. It doesn't mean he doesn't get angry and do and say the wrong things sometimes. 

Perhaps my expectations are slightly askew. Perhaps I don't offer him enough grace...(telling him I am about to go Spencer plan on him isn't very graceful is it?!?!)

In the end he did apologize, and I did get spanked...and we did restore our relationship back to its rightful place...but I spent several days still slightly afloat. The foundation was still intact but the shaking left me unsettled. It took several days of serious consistency and him not missing a thing for me to feel settled again...He held me close...just where I needed to be.

My HoH is an amazing husband, and a fantastic Head of House...but he is not perfect nor should I expect him to be. He has been given a great privilege with my submission, and I expect, and he delivers...great responsibility.   

When they mess up, we don't get the privilege of spanking them. In fact, when they mess up we usually get spanked because of how we respond to their mistake...

It's hard. But it is what we have chosen. They mess up, we get angry, we get spanked, all is well. What if we changed the pattern? What if I changed the pattern? What if he messed up, I forgave him, and all was well...(skip the disrespect and spanking part!) Offering grace and forgiveness...but they deserve it. My H deserves it.

He treats his great privilege as a great responsibility...and to me, that is a great treasure. 

His and Her's Meme

A little late to the party, but we finally got around to answering Callie's Meme from About Us. Jennelle at A New Perspective and Tricia at Love of My Life, Head of the House also participated if you haven't checked them out yet. 

The first set of questions are me answering about my H, and the second set are his answers about me. 

Enjoy!

1. Using three words, describe your husband’s personality.

Loyal, honest, caring

2. What cologne do you prefer him to wear?

Polo sport

3. He looks totally sexy wearing…

These super sexy black boxers he has…

4. You’re going on vacation and the first thing he packs is:

An implement…and then his fishing stuff.

5. Would he pay a tradesman (plumber/electrician/builder) or do it himself?

He does everything himself…I have to beg for him to hire someone just because we don’t get enough time with him!

6. Would he rather watch sports or play sports?

Watch football…play—fishing (that’s a sport right?) and kayaking

7. If you could buy him any brand new car, what would you get him?

A truck… an F250

8. The stereo in his car is most likely playing:

Country

9. His favorite tv show:

Duck Dynasty

10. His hand gets itchy when:

Just one thing? When I get disrespectful…or speed...or yell...or roll my eyes...yeah...he's twitchy ;)

11. What is he likely to be doing on the weekend?

Helping around the house, playing with the kids, watching football, fishing every once in awhile when he can get away…

12. How many siblings does he have?

He’s an only child..

13. The thing I love most about him is:

He is the best listener … for me and anyone who needs a listening ear. He is the one everyone comes to in crisis.

1.  Using three words, describe your wife's personality.

Exciting, determined, sanguine

      2. What perfume do you prefer her to wear?

She doesn’t wear perfume          

3.       She looks totally sexy wearing…

Lingerie

      4.       You’re going on vacation and the first thing she packs is:

The kids’ stuff

      5.       Would she pay a cleaner/housekeeper or do it herself?

She would rather pay, but she does it herself anyway       

6.       Would she rather watch or Play sports?

play.

      7.       If you could buy her any brand new car, what would you get her?

I think she has her perfect car.

      8.       The stereo in her car is most likely playing:

Kids Music Together or Way FM

      9.       His favorite TV show:

Currently? We don’t watch TV. I guess I would have to say Covert Affairs? Is that right? I don’t know that she has a favorite…

     10.   Your habit that she finds really irritating

      Which one? I can only list one? Let’s see…tickling her feet.

     11.   What is she likely to be doing on the weekend?

Running kids around…

     12.   How many siblings does she have?

5

     13.   The thing I love most about her is:

I hate those “most questions” there’s too many things to choose from. I have to pick one? <yes> Her integrity.

Well that was fun...even if it took forever to get those questions answered! :) 

Reluctant Consent

Warning-- this blog post was difficult for me to write. So difficult in fact, it represents emotions and feelings of several months ago because I just wasn't ready to share it. However, I think vulnerability in emotions in this lifestyle is healthy, and maybe, just maybe it might help someone else...


In the DD world, the concept of consent is big. Like HUGE. Consent is everything. We live this lifestyle because we choose to, regardless of whose idea it was or who initially wanted it.  We do it because we mutually agree to this type of relationship.

We are no different. I submit to SC and have granted consent to a domestic discipline lifestyle.

Just because I have granted consent, doesn't mean I always like it.

DD wasn't my idea. And honestly, sometimes I have questioned it. Especially after a particularly hard spanking.

A few months ago was one one of such times. I was in trouble...again...and it was a pretty intense spanking.

I got mad.

Yeah, not the reaction he was going for with that paddling.

As he tried to hold me, and was not oblivious to my emotions and distancing, I turned to him and asked:

"How can you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Spank me like that. How can you do that? Why do you do it?"

I was battling this inner struggle, not for the first time, of how could this man that I love and respect, actually follow through with spanking me. I mean, it's no play thing. Punishment spankings hurt. They can be intense. Occasionally I question how or why we do this. Why does he do it, why do I let him.

It is part of the emotional roller coaster for me. One moment I am complaining (albeit internally) that he doesn't spank often enough or hard enough...or consistent enough. How could he let that go?

And then half a breath later, How can he do that?

Yeah, there is nothing rational about it, but it is the reality of my emotions nonetheless.

Only this time, I voiced my thoughts. I actually asked him how he could do it. I asked him why.

I held my breath as I waited for him to answer.

He held me tight and he responded,

Because I love you. And because you have asked me to. You have asked me to hold  you accountable, and I am just following through on my part. 

Dang rational HoH brain.

You see, hard spankings may make me angry sometimes, and I may question why we do this, but ultimately he has my consent. I agreed to it. With one word it could all stop.

We have talked about that-- stopping dd that is. I don't think I really want to stop when I have brought it up...maybe I just need to be reassured that I have that choice? That I wouldn't ruin our relationship if I pulled consent.

He is never really please with that conversation. He has no desire to give up dd. I don't either...but sometimes...sometimes I question. Sometimes, while I have granted consent, it is reluctant.

For weeks after that spanking I was "off." I don't really know what was going on. I struggled to find that submissive place I work from in dd. I am not naturally submissive. I have to work hard to get to that place. I like it when I am there. I enjoy pleasing him, I enjoy the care and tenderness he offers there. I love being "His."

But reluctant consent is a difficult balancing act. It is an inner emotional battle. We continue because cognitively I know we need to-- in my head I know this lifestyle is right...but I don't feel it in reluctant consent.

I can't fake it. I never have been a good liar. Actually I am terrible at it. My emotions are an open book. So when my consent is reluctant, I need to keep communication with my H open. He needs to know what I am thinking and feeling so he can help me.

It took awhile to get back to normal. I cannot guarantee I will never feel that way again. I doubt that is the last time a spanking will make me angry...I doubt it will be the last time I question why. But the wave passed. The feeling of lostness with it has gone.


So, this post feels so depressing. I was in a rough place for awhile as far as dd goes. For about a month a lot of questions plagued me. Things are better. A lot better. And while I know my questions which are fueled by emotions will probably creep back, the longer we are in the lifestyle, the more reasons we find to continue.

Honesty and communication in this lifestyle are so important. I am so very glad I was able to share even the difficult details of this with my H. We don't face anything--even the toughest emotional battles -- alone.

Reluctant consent may not be a great place to be...but it has its own lessons to be learned. I'm just glad it's over....Reluctant Consent. It may be reluctant, but it was still consent. And I am super glad it has given way to just plain 'ole consent.

"Am I Making Myself Clear" Spankings

We talk a lot about the different kind of spankings we as dd wives receive-- punishments, maintenance, stress relief, resets, good girl ...well, I experienced a new one this week. I know, lucky me right?!?

SC was gone for a few days last week and though it was short...it was long enough for me to do something STUPID. Yeah. Super stupid. And seriously y'all, I don't even use the word stupid. It's like a total four letter word around here.

I totally lost it and screamed at one of the kids. I was so totally ashamed, devastated really. I cannot believe I did it. I have always been a yeller, but we have made such strides in this area...I cannot believe I screwed up so badly. I apologized soon after it happened and worked hard to make it up to him. He was the sweetest thing ever and forgave me right away. We redeemed the day, and actually had a great rest of the day.

But, I couldn't undo what had been done. My fate was sealed.

When he gets home from a trip it is always so bitter sweet...I can't WAIT for him to get home, but I totally know with him comes the spanking of all the rules I have broken...

Besides the crazy loss of my mind with our child, I had a speeding incident that involved 15 mph over the limit...

I knew it was bad when he sent me up to our room, and lie on the bed to wait for him. He never does that.

Then I should have further deduced the seriousness of the moment when I saw 2 wooden paddles, a leather paddle, and a strap. GULP.

Further understanding might have been had when he told me to lie flat on the bed for the warm up so it wouldn't be so long OTB later. GASP.

What in the world?!?

I am going to make this memorable. The next time you go to scream at our kids, I want you to remember this so we don't end up back here. 

A whole-heck-of-a-lot of spanks later...

Am I making myself clear?

Crystal....sir. ;)

I don't recommend "Am I making myself clear" spankings...I recommend avoiding them at all costs.

Line Dancing...and friendships

Well, it's official. I get a big "F" in blogging. I cannot believe I have let it go so long without stopping in! Sorry ya'all!

It has been a crazy month, but a good one. and a difficult one.

I spent the better part of the last month questioning a few things about our dynamic and wondering if we would ever make dd "just another part of life." Things seem to change so often in our dynamic that normalcy does not seem to be one description we could use. More to come on this soon...


We were gone for a long weekend last week which was wonderful, and super fun since on top of a weekend away with no kids, (even thought it WAS a work trip for my h!) I got to meet up for lunch with 2 amazing dd wives!

I was totally freaked out. What if we had nothing to talk about? What if we just stared awkwardly at each other? What if I didn't fit the "right" personality for a "good" dd wife...what if it was horrible?!?!

Yeah, totally stressed over it...for nothing! It was amazing! These ladies were awesome, NORMAL, hilarious, and so lovely! Si very grateful for that opportunity. We spent hours laughing. No awkward moments there! :) And totally amazing to get to meet others in the lifestyle-- real people doing this crazy thing we do...knowing you are not alone...

I was sick the whole time we were away and while that meant I went about 2 weeks without being spanked, I didn't go that long without earning one...so they just.added.up. Yuck.

The more they added up, and the more time I went without being spanked, the sassier I got. Yeah, no idea why I do that.

One night we were lying in bed and SC and I were laughing and I started pushing the line...a little. OK, errrr a lot. I was a mess. SC, finally, very done with it all, says "Here's the line and you are over there...crossing it."

No idea why but I burst out laughing.

He saw that as sass and swatted me.

I laughed harder.

He swatted harder.

No wait! <more laughter>  <more swatting> Wait! <he pauses> Wait! <giggle> I am NOT crossing the line. I am dancing on it. <pause> <giggle> Line Dancing!!!!

At that point he couldn't help it and joined me in my giggle fit. (ok ok he didn't giggle...guys don't giggle...but he definitely laughed!)  I am not sure if he just thought I had lost my mind and figured he should join me in my insanity...or... yeah, no idea!

So the truth is, I am pretty good at that-- line dancing that is. Sometimes it gets a laugh and sometimes it gets a swat...occasionally it gets wood and that's just no good...but line dancing is a serious talent of mine! Sometimes I think its rigged...the line moves.

Reflections: 1 Year DD Anniversary!

Wow. It has been a whole year since we embarked on this crazy amazing journey of domestic discipline.

I look back and am simply amazed at how much both SC and I have changed in that time. Our marriage is stronger. We are more in love with each other than ever before, and the structure and discipline brought into our relationship by domestic discipline is helping us both get closer to the people we desire to be.

A Few Reflections:

Greatest Reward: 

By far the greatest reward of domestic discipline is the closeness. The nature of dd brings complete honesty. There is nothing unsaid, no walls, no distance. My HoH feels a fierce desire to protect and care for me as I submit to him. The responsibility has stretched and grown him, and I appreciate so much the man he is. He caters to my needs to be touched and held, and indulges me even in my weird obsessions like his hand on my bottom while I fall asleep. (What is up with that anyway?!?! I rationalize it by telling him that my bottom needs extra TLC after all the damage he does to it!) ;) No matter the challenges and the countless spankings over the last year, I wouldn't trade our closeness for anything.

Greatest Challenge:

Authenticity. Sigh. I know not telling the world about our dd dynamic is not being dishonest and is not not being authentic...but sometimes it feels that way. I have always been a very open person. I share everything. There are a few people I often feel like I am lying to by not sharing this. The truth is I know I cannot. They would not understand, it would not be beneficial...but the secrecy has probably been my greatest challenge over the past year.

Greatest Frustration: 

Oh.My.Word. I have yet to make it 7 consecutive days without a punishment spanking. IN A YEAR!!!! Do you realize how many times that means I have been spanked in the last year!?!?!  Incredibly frustrating!!! I have often made it 5 and have even made it 6 days but never 7!

I have often contemplated why and I think there are a variety of reasons. One, I need it. Ugh. Did I just say that? Yeah, it's true. If I go to long I get stressed out. A few times I have jumped out of my comfort zone and admitted that to SC. He does maintenance and I am fine...but why is that sooooo hard?!?! Asking is near impossible most of the time-- it seems so counter rational!!!! I have often wondered if the intensity needed to increase but goodness, during a punishment sometimes it is near impossible to make it through...could I handle more?  Things to consider. I am determined to make it 7 days without a punishment and to make it happen soon!!!!


Top Ten Lessons learned in our First Year of Domestic Discipline

1. Spankings HURT!!! (yeah, yeah, I know they are supposed to...I have heard that a few times!)
2. Paddles of all shapes, sizes, and substances are evil
3. Submission is not a 4 letter word
4. Long term detrimental habits can be changed
5. DD has challenges, but this amazing relationship is worth it
6. DD has brought a closeness that we never knew possible
7. The DD community is amazingly supportive and has come to mean so much to us.
8. Being the HoH has brought SC's leading, protecting, and cherishing qualities to the surface
9. SC is a husband worth respecting
10. Being submissive to my HoH makes me feel loved, cherished, protected, and adored



The road has had a few bumps and turns, but we are one year in and going strong! I wonder what the next year will bring? (Hopefully less punishment spankings!)

I wanted to thank all of you! Readers, lurkers, and those who I have come to think of as friends. So many of you have become so special to me! Thank you for your friendship!

Special thanks to Christina from Red Booty Woman and Clint and Chelsea from Learning dd. The help you all have offered over the last year is incredible, and we are so thankful for your help in our making this first year of practicing domestic discipline a success!

Lastly, the hugest of thanks to my HoH. You are more amazing than I ever realized and I appreciate all that you do to make our marriage incredible. I am so blessed to be "Yours".

Fight, Flight, or Freeze???

Humans tend to have a fight or flight reaction to conflict or danger. It is a defense mechanism, and most of us have experienced this at some point or another.

Since starting dd I find that I face this fight or flight reaction more than ever before.

While washing dishes...

Folding clothes...

Making dinner...

Getting out of the shower...

Getting in the shower....

Getting dressed...

Getting out of bed...

Lying in bed...

Picking something up off the floor....

Getting something out of the refrigerator...


You see anytime SC is behind me, and my bottom is accessible, he feels compelled to swat it. I can see that arm swing back and "fight or flight" involuntarily sets into motion! I jump out of the way, sidestep around him, dive for cover...you get the idea...

Well, this makes him mad. OK maybe not mad but definitely annoyed (in a playful yet serious like only he can pull off sort of way!) And without fail he makes me get back into position so he can swat me. This is NOT punishment, not swats I have earned...just (to steal Stormy's term) "helifino" swats...just cause I can swats. And if I move out of position, because who wouldn't naturally flee impending doom on one's derriere?!?! He swats extras! Seriously?!?! When I ask why he says because I moved out of position.

ummm hello?!?! I am supposed to hold position eternally for whenever the urge to spank my bottom hits you?!?! Ummm no....because well, the body's natural defense mechanism is fight or flight!

When SC comes swatting, my body going flighting! On the super crazy occasion my body goes fighting ... that's even worse! He will come up behind me and playfully swat my bottom (why does something playful have to hurt?!?!) and I will swing around and smack his shoulder or whatever I can reach.

Oh yeah you read that right. Occasionally I have swatted back."Fight"-- the body's natural defense mechanism! I can't help it!!! Immediately upon fight or flight I realize what I have done and my mouth drops open (especially if it was fight!) And at this point in the game I am well aware of what will happen next..

You see I tried to explain that fight or flight WAS a natural reaction and what did he want me to do???

His response?

FREEZE.

I began to giggle. Flight, Fight, or....Freeze!?! 

So now...fight or flight still plagues me here or there...I mean come on...but after the jump out of position at the kitchen sink or the accidental slap to the shoulder after he has swatted me...right back bent over wherever I was to receive the play swat he intended...along with a few extra....all because my darn body chose flight or fight over Freeze!