Lessons Learned on Vacation

We are back from a four night cruise, and we had such an amazing relaxing time! I had been counting down the days forever it seems and I was not disappointed. It seems however, that as great and relaxing it was, it was quite the learning experience. A few things I learned on vacation...

1. When the HoH goes on vacation mode, he goes on "VACATION Mode."
2. Vacation mode translates to me as ignoring behaviors and equals frustration
3. Vacation mode for my HoH only lasted several hours before he snapped back into reality when his wife was about to go off the edge
4. When the HoH comes back to reality, he brings a hairbrush
5. Reminders usually keep me from punishment and THAT is a GOOD thing.
6. Reminder spankings HURT.
7. My HoH is a Spanko. No question. I got reminders, playful spankings, swats....(thankfully no punishments!) did I mention swats? ALOT of them
8. When children are not around there are a plethora of opportunities for swats to be administered. (thankfully we weren't in our room more!) ;)
9. My HoH thinks bossiness, sarcasm, bluntness, and cheekiness are all cause for swats. I seriously think some were serious stretches to the disrespect line (see line 7-- my HoH is a spanko)
9. Vacations bring out my sassy playful side. My HoH is getting really good at keeping my playful side in line--still leaving room for me to be playful, but not letting me get so far as to enter into bratting (this is a super fine line we have been working hard on!)
10. Vacations are wonderful times to check in, reconnect, and enjoy each other.

I was a little concerned with this being our first real just the two of us vacation since starting dd...I wasn't sure what to expect and I think he was worried about not meeting my expectations.

All in all we had a GREAT 4 nights. After the first half day (which was a little rough for me) SC hit a major stride in HoH-iness and while I unsuccessfully tried to convince him that it should be a SPANK-FREE vacation, I guess I should be thankful his reminders and swats kept me from having a punishment free vacation.

Can't wait to do it again!

Weekend Getaway

4 nights
1 couple
0 kids
1 boat
= 1 very excited me.

Well, except when I think about the mystery implements he has packed away. To be sure I "stay in line." Sheesh.

We try to get away just the two of us at least once a year. A tradition we have done since we got married. A tradition I LOVE. A time to get away, relax, and do absolutely nothing but be together.

Even though I lost the battle  attempted compromise to leave the gym clothes at home...and his sarcasm did not keep me from packing the card games...Bring on the vacation!!!

See you next week! :)

It's Just Not Natural...

I knew I was in trouble from the warm up. I mean, I had just been spanked the night before. That warm up seriously hurt! I glanced back to his weapon implement choice for the evening. The big wooden paddle. He means business. Oh dear.

He begins. I begin to squirm from the first swat. Apparently I was still tender from the hairbrush the night before...

Be still or I will add more . . . 

Seriously?!? I AM TRYING!!!

The man is spanking me with a huge wooden paddle and I am expected to be STILL?!? Not likely.

Not blocking him. I get.
Not flipping over. I get.
Not getting up. I get.

but STILL???

HOW?!?!? Seriously, how does one stay still for this????

Ok ok. So in all fairness he says some movement is expected. Apparently we have different definitions of "some." <yeah I totally just rolled my eyes>

It's my bodies fault...you know, fight or flight??? Either response requires movement.

It's like be still so I can eat you!

Just.Not.Natural.

SC sees fight or flight as nonsubmission. I see it as a natural reaction to an unnatural experience! Isn't the fact that I am lying over the bed at all enough proof of my submission?!?

In the end I got 2 extras.

I really need to dispose of that paddle...

Intentions, Control, Loopholes, and the Library

My whole life I was a "good kid." Any time I actually got in trouble it was usually for my mouth. I never did things without thinking them through and I hardly ever got in trouble. If it was for an accident or a mistake, I could always get out of it, because it wasn't "intentional."

Well, obviously, my HoH missed the "intentional" rule. I have found there are no loopholes in this dd marriage. SC is well aware of my tactics and is not willing to play.

So, what does this mean for me? I get spanked. a lot. Even when I am trying.

This is new ground for me. I am a perfectionist and have always been able to do what I set out to do.

Failing when trying? New ground. And I am NOT a fan.

When SC got back from his trip I knew I would be punished. And I was. Sunday night. Happy Easter, right? ;)

So, slightly tender from that "adventure" I "intended" to make it through Monday without doing ANYTHING worthy of a punishment. Well...someone should have told PMS to stay away. And the library not to call...

UGH. The Library. I hate the library! I went almost a year without going because of how high my fines were. I finally broke down and went only to get a call yesterday that the books we had out were 8 days late and therefore I owed $39.60 in fines. SERIOUSLY?!? That is ridiculous. And I didn't MEAN to be late. A month went by really fast! And those fines are totally wrong.

One of the first rules we had was about the library fines. I am notorious. In fact, we buy all of our homeschool books so I don't HAVE to use the library because it ends up cheaper to buy the books than paying the fines.  SC has a no tolerance policy with the library. It falls nicely under his "wastefulness" rule.

Yuck. I told him about it via text and he assured me that was "very not good for me." Lovely.

Add in PMS and some yelling at the kids and I knew it would be a fun night.

But, but, I tried! I really wanted to be punishment free. Having punishments out of my control is frustrating! Yeah, yeah, I know that's the point, but I am a perfectionist and I HATE not being "perfect" at this. I know perfect is not possible and if it were I wouldn't need TTWD...but letting go of my loopholes is tough. I am the Queen of Loopholes. I am the one who got pulled over 9 times in my college days with only one ticket. I considered myself a master manipulator. (yeah yeah not a great trait, I know.).

SC is onto me. No loopholes. No good intentions.

So last night, I experienced what I think was his "stepping it up" in the lecture. He has me sit on the bed next to him and begins to lecture. Honestly? I almost laughed! He is trying to be all serious, and I can't help think it is funny that I am about to be spanked over library fines.

You have a problem with the library, and you wasted almost $40 in fines. 

hiding laughter. I know I should be taking this more seriously.

Now, I know your temptation is to now avoid the library, but you can't do that.. . .

ok, now I stopped laughing, that was totally my plan. What do you mean, I can't avoid the library...how else will I avoid the fines?!? (intelligent enough to not have said out loud!) I just give him the deer in the headlights look...

You need to be responsible. Send yourself a reminder, put it on your phone. Be aware of when they need to go back. You can't avoid the library because then we waste money by you BUYING the books. 

oh dear.

And then the issue of my attitude with the kids . . .

Is PMS an excuse?

hmmmm, can it be? It should be! (again I had the forethought to NOT SAY this out loud!) ;)

No

I hate being out of control. This submissive thing is tough.

Honestly though, and I really hate to admit this. . . I don't miss the loopholes. I love that my man can see through the games my mind plays without me even thinking about it. I can't become the person I want to be if I allow myself to be held back by excuses.

So, hesitantly, but willingly, saying goodbye to the loopholes. It's worth it.

Happy Easter!

As Christians, today is a really important day for us. Today is the day we celebrate the resurrection of  Jesus.

Whether you celebrate the resurrection, or new life, or just do it for the fun... Or don't celebrate at all...I hope your day is great!

Happy Easter!

When the HoH is Away...

You know the old saying, When the cat's away the mice will play? 

Well, that's not really what happens of course. I am an ADULT. A responsible, mature, wife and mother. 

So WHY OH WHY was I panicking when my dear HoH was preparing to leave on a business trip?!?! He doesn't travel often, but does take several trips a year. This was not the first time we had been away since since starting TTWD, but it was the first time he was the one leaving...

Yet, I had so many concerns about him leaving. I always have a hard time when he goes away. My kids are small, it is a lot on me, I hate sleeping without him next to me. I hate dark quiet nights alone. I don't fall asleep easily when he is gone so I end up exhausted. This trip the kids are a little older and honestly, his lack of help was not as missed...just him. 

Before he left I wondered, How would I survive?!?! 

My greatest concerns: 

--I am so needy since starting dd. How would I make it through eight days without him holding me?

--I HATE having punishment hanging over me...what would happen when I messed up and knew I was in trouble, but had to wait?!?!? (He suggested that silent spanking cream....thankfully I convinced him that was a bad idea!)

--In eight days I would probably have a slew of punishments built up...

--We had just had "the Perfect Storm" and while we were "ok" I still felt unsettled. 

Thankfully, it was spring break this week and I appreciated not having as full a plate as usual, not having school in the mix. Despite my fears, I survived. 

SC asked me to keep a list of punishable offenses. Yuck. 

I really really really wanted to make it through the week without messing up...

Yeah, screwed that up the first night. UGH

He comes home tonight...I have told him about most of it....but there are a few things I have yet to tell him about. One, I really thought wasn't a big deal, but some dd friends inform me it might be bigger than I thought : / 

I REALLY hate messing up. I REALLY hate disappointing him. Most of the issues are minor --swattable things, but not full punishments...but there are one or two that make me nervous...I hate waiting...

My biggest concern of all about him leaving? Being nervous about him coming home. I was really scared that if I messed up enough I would be conflicted in my feelings about him coming home. Of course I would want him home, but how would him coming home and having to punish me affect that excitement?

Well, he comes home tonight. The list of transgressions is much longer than I would have liked. I am super super bummed about that. But I am OVER THE MOON excited about him coming home. 

Yeah. I know in the next several days I am going to get spanked...but then he will HOLD ME. And I will be back in his arms where I belong.

The week apart has had a few unexpected bonus'. I had plenty of time to reflect and consider what happened last week (in the Perfect Storm), was able to get some great feedback and insight from experienced and respected dders, and my bottom has had a chance to go eight days spank free. . . if only it could last . . . ;) 

The Long Road to Submission

Eight months ago the simple mention of the word "submit" would make me roll my eyes and shake my head. The word "obey?" Forget it!

When I think about how far I have come from that me, I am amazed. The new me happily submits (well at least most of the time!), I find joy in obeying my HoH (most of the time!)-- in pleasing him. I delight in our new roles, and I treasure being protected and cherished.

I have come so far. I know that I have. We have. But after last weeks fiasco, I was left baffled and questioning. I sought out advice from people we respect (thanks Clint and Chelsea! (@ www.learningdd.com) and what I got was not was I was expecting. I was forced to look at things from a new perspective. I still haven't figured it all out, but I am trying. Trying to be introspective and honest with myself.

I have discovered some things about myself that I am less than pleased about. Thoughts that make me think I am so far form the submissive wife I want to be. . . I had no idea how much I was trying to control, even manipulate. When it is conscious, I can admit that. But to realize how I was failing without even recognizing it? It has been an emotional struggle.

The road to submission has bumps and wrong turns . . . realizing you aren't as far as you thought on the road is a tough realization. I know I need to focus on how far I have come. But right now? I am just upset with myself for disappointing him. . .

Sometimes, being a perfectionist is hard. I have always been the one with the highest expectations for myself . . . it is hard to come face to face with your failures and shortcomings. I want to grow as a person, as a mother, as a submissive wife.

This road can be lonely. I think I am feeling the full impact of that because my HoH is out of town right now. I am struggling through these emotions alone. In one way, I am glad for the time to reflect and work things out in my head and heart....but sometimes this lifestyle can seem isolating. I can't talk to my irl friends about this. Although the thought makes me laugh. So, after I got paddled, he sent me to corner. ;)

This road is hard, but I know worth it....I know I need to focus on how far I have come, not how far I have to go. <sigh> But sometimes...it's just hard.


(BTW, anyone have any idea how hard it is for a sanguine to hit "publish" on a whiny blog post?!?)