The Perfect Storm

One of my main reasons for starting this blog was to provide a place for me to hash out my feelings and emotions when I just am unsure what is going on. This post might ramble a little, because honestly, I am still trying to figure out what happened. Last night, we had a kind of "perfect storm" situation. 

From Wiki: 

perfect storm  plural of per·fect storm (Noun)

Noun A particularly violent storm arising from a rare combination of adverse meteorological factors. A particularly bad or critical state of affairs, arising from a number of negative and unpredictable factors

You, know when everything seems to start falling apart with no warning and no real explanation?

I guess it started earlier in the day when I called SC to ask about a situation. This particular situation has been a frustration for me and for SC, but mostly his frustration is that I have been "nagging" him about it. IMHO I have not nagged, simply stressed the utmost importance of having urgency in the matter. ;) I really have tried to be patient, and there have been sooooo many times I didn't say anything when I wanted to....so yeah, the whole situation is frustrating. I brought what I thought was a new question/new information to the table and my HoH was less than pleased that this was coming up again. He shot down the conversation and said if we needed to discuss it more we could do so later at home. I was annoyed, but let it go. 

Enter negative factor #1

Later yesterday evening when SC got home from work he mentioned having to work in the garden. Seeing as only a week or two ago a comment about the garden ended with me over the bed, I decided to tread carefully here. I followed him outside and (tried to) calmly ask how long it was going to take in the garden. He said 30 minutes so I tried to let it go. I was frustrated because he was about to leave on a trip and I had asked for help around the house to get everything in order before he left, which he had agreed to. 

I worked on dinner and he and the two littlest went out to work on the garden. About 45 minutes later they came back in and I mentioned the housework that needed to be done. 

Enter negative factor #2

I had expectations of certain things getting accomplished, he had no intentions of doing those certain things. I attributed it to him not being able to do it because of time spend doing the garden, and he said it had nothing to do with that, he simply could not physically do what I wanted because of his back hurting.  He said something that really hurt my feelings, and try as I might to be respectful I was edging the line and my H called a halt to the conversation. I was angry, frustrated, and felt devalued. 

Enter negative factor #3

I HATE when he does this. I understand WHY he does it. I understand the need for me to be respectful, and to discuss things respectfully, but when he ENDS a conversation with a sharp word, it makes me livid. I feel like my opinion or feelings don't matter when he just "ends the conversation." At that point SC went on to do a few things and I went to pick up our daughter from a sports practice. 

When I came home we entered back into conversation, and SC seemed "surprised" that I was upset, and thought only he had reason to be upset. I expressed my hurt in something he had said,  he agreed he shouldn't have said that. I expressed my displeasure in his method of shutting me down, and how I feel devalued when he does that. We continued talking about expectations, what needed to get done around the house, and then it cycled back to the situation I had called him about on the phone earlier. Things continued to go downhill and SC ended the conversation with, "This conversation is over and we will continue it upstairs over the bed later.

Enter negative factor #4

AGH. Shut down three times in one day. I thought I would boil over I was so angry. I was no longer hungry so decided to go upstairs to take a few minutes to recollect and breathe. A few minutes later, SC comes into the room and locks the door.

Uh Oh. Wait, what are you doing?

As he heads to the closet (where the implements are kept) You stormed upstairs and slammed the door, you're getting spanked. 

No wait, I didn't! I didn't slam the door, I shut it. 

You slammed it, I heard it. AND you stomped up the stairs. 

At this point I am a mess, and start crying. No, really I didn't I promise! Maybe it was the air shutting the door harder than I really did. I promise I did not slam the door and did not stomp up the stairs. I just needed a few minutes.

He did believe me, but decided to go ahead and punish me for all that had happened. 

I WAS A MESS.

I was angry with him over his part in this debacle. I was already emotionally drained over all of it. I knew I was in no state of mind for this spanking to do any good. I was freaking out because the kids were awake and even with the fan on and a quiet implement, I was really worried that they would be able to hear. 

I begged, I cried. All quietly. Nothing. 

As he started spanking me I was so angry.

I was physically submitting, but emotionally I was in another world. 

After one set, SC asked if I was ready to talk and apologize.  I made a comment about him not being able to "beat me into an apology". Yeah, stupid choice of words. He was less than thrilled with that comment, and I know it was wrong...to say his spanking me was "beating" was way out of line, and I know it. I was just so confused. So, another implement and another set. All the while I was trying not to cry because the kids were up, and I didn't want them to hear anything. I was so mad I actually screamed into my blanket. I thought it was so unfair. 

He asked if I was ready and I said I just needed some time to think. 

I got time. In the corner. I have NEVER had corner time before. EVER. This just made me more frustrated and angry. 

I was doubting EVERYTHING. Our journey in dd has been a good one. Every once in awhile I will have a minor freak out and just need my husband to affirm that we are equal partners in our marriage and my feelings and emotions count even if he has last say....but all in all things have been good. Our communication has improved, I have gotten so much more respectful, my husband has stepped up into his role as HoH and I respect him so much for that. He is affectionate and loving. I adore him. 

So why last night am I a crazy mess balling in the corner thinking I can't do this anymore? We have a safe word and for the first time ever I thought about using it. Not because of the spanking. That was nothing unusual, but I had no idea where I was emotionally. I was a mess. 

We tried talking again, and honestly I didn't want to say anything. I was still angry and felt that expressing my feelings were getting me nowhere. Eventually it all spilled out. We talked .... quietly. respectfully. 

We were both confused about what happened. Typically if I am disrespectful, a punishment spanking will get me on board. SC thought that would happen this time. If I am having a rebellious attitude, he normally just spanks me harder or again. If I pull away emotionally, he spanks me and normally, we are reconnected. NORMALLY. 

This time, I knew it was different and tried to express that. My HoH didn't believe me. In all fairness to him, I am not always exceedingly honest about my feelings and needs in this area. As he expressed to me last night, he can trust me in every area to be honest except in this one. He will ask if I am "done" when he is punishing me and I say "yes." I mean who wouldn't?!? ;) Or he will ask if I need a spanking and I will say "no" when I totally know I do. He's right. I am not honest in this area. And last night, it came back to haunt me. He thought he was pushing through walls to get to me, and really the more he pushed, the higher the walls went.

 I apologized for my disrespect, he apologized for hurting my feelings and making me feel devalued. I asked him to find another way to shut me down. . . one that would stop my disrespect but not shut down me. He said he would try. I expressed that while I was disciplined, I didn't feel his love and understanding in the process. 

He had to go put the kids to bed and left me sitting in our room to "think about what I needed from the conversation." Another first. Room Time. Corner time and room time in one night?!? Ugh. 

I was so emotionally drained I think I fell asleep several times in that chair. I don't think I "thought" much at all. I was drained. When SC came back in after what seemed like FOREVER (which was really only 30 minutes so he says), he asked what I needed out of this conversation. I was emotionally done. I knew we were "ok" but I didn't feel reconnected. 

I was clueless and so was he. This was all new. A place we had not been before. I know he was questioning how everything went and if he was wrong. That alone was killing me. He is such a great HoH, and when something happens where I am hurt as deeply as I was last night, I know he takes it very personally, and takes responsibility for it. He feared being inconsistent and not pushing me far enough (which is often what I complain about) and yet in doing so, pushed me too far. I know he was just trying to do what he thought was right but it felt ALL WRONG. I don't envy the HoH. I wouldn't want that job. 

He held me for awhile and I drifted off to sleep...

Around 4 this morning I woke up with my head no longer pounding and my eyes not so puffy that I couldn't see out of them, and I had an overwhelming need to reestablish that connection. I questioned everything I had said. Was I, as he put it "topping from the bottom?" Was I just trying to assert my thoughts and control? He claimed I wasn't being submissive. Was he right? Was I truly exhibiting a rebellious attitude? Where did this all go wrong and what could we have done differently?

I don't have any answers. I apologized again and expressed my thoughts and concerns. I am still utterly confused about what happened. Sometimes TTWD is so confusing...so complicated. Emotions are so different. And as we both sat shaking our heads baffled at what went wrong....we just hope to not see another "perfect storm."

PSA: His rules are NOT Stupid!

A disrespectful comment found me leaning over the bathroom counter the other morning. The bathroom because two doors and a bathroom fan separate us from the kids. His quiet implement of choice: the cane.

ugh. Have I mentioned my disdain for the cane?

We had just had a relatively respectful discussion about lack of consistency, and my HoH decided to punish me for my attitude. Lovely. Remind me why I want consistency again? This punishment was not in regards to that particular conversation, but about something that had happened earlier in the morning which he had said we would deal with later. Apparently later meant then as he didn't want it hanging over us all day.

As he pulled me into a hug afterwards, he told me he would try to be more aware and consistent. I sighed... and smiled..."it's just I hate knowing I will get punished for the stupid rules and then you miss some of the big stuff that can really affect our relationship..."

Quiet.

Did you just call my rules "stupid?"

I laughed..."no. .. it's just . . ."

Back over the counter .

Not laughing anymore...

Seriously?!?!?

PSA: Never tell the HoH with a cane in his hands that his rules are "stupid" while your pants are around your ankles. . .

image from: 

http:// www .talknerdytomelover.com/home/2012/7/1/nerdsunite-the-secret-life-of-a-veterinary-technician-vet-te.html

DD Double takes

You know that strange moment you think you see something that really isn't? One of those raised eyebrows confused looks you give yourself when you see something irl that looks dd related, but then you remember you are on FB. Saw this status this morning. LOL

Ice Coffee anyone? ROFL

Happy Wednesday my fellow DD fans! ;) 

Emotions when the HoH is Inconsistent

This is kind of Part 2 of my last post: DD: The Emotional Roller Coaster.

***disclaimer: this post is in no way meant to be disrespectful to all the wonderful HoH's out there (most especially mine!) I just thought it might be helpful to articulate the emotions behind inconsistency. 

First off, as far as HoH's go, I think mine is pretty consistent, but there are times when I feel he has dropped the ball. (Whether he actually has or not is a completely other story!) ;)

Nothing sets emotions off in me as a dd wife as when my HoH is inconsistent. 

image from: http:// www. aloizou.com.cy/newsletter/Issue29Oct2011.htm

Inconsistency can be demonstrated both in frequency and intensity. 

Frequency: Is the HoH spanking enough, is he overlooking things, ignoring things? Is it too much/too often?

And in intensity: Is the HoH spanking hard enough both to deter behavior and break through any emotional walls that have been built. Is the Hoh spanking too hard that all the wife can do is get through the punishment and not focus on the emotions of it at all. 

Maybe it's just me, but I am one complicated dd wife! I need it hard enough to deter behavior but not so hard as I can't stand it and can't get past the pain. One thing we have found to work in this are was lengthening the duration of the spanking. --still spanking hard but not as hard for the entirety, and then making it last longer so the emotional walls are torn down, allowing me to get past any anger I have over the spanking and submit and reconnect with my HoH.

When the HoH is inconsistent, so many emotions present themselves. 

I might think that my HoH has missed the incident completely. This can make me angry because I don't think he cares enough to pay attention, or is not as in tuned to me as I think he should be.

I might think he is choosing to ignore it. This can be frustrating because I think he is not willing to step up and be HoH, or maybe he doesn't want to be bothered with it. I can be frustrated because I think my HoH is "hypocritical" and will punish sometimes for certain things but not follow through on others. It unsettles me to not know where the boundaries are in this. I want to know his expectations, yes, partly because I want to know what will cause a spanking, but ultimately because I want to please him and cannot do this unless I know his expectations. On rare emotional days, I might think he doesn't think I am worth it, or my behavior is hopeless.

It is amazing how not being punished for something I think I should can cause me to feel unloved, uncared for, not worth it! Meanwhile, if you asked my HoH why he didn't punish me, his answer might be, "I was trying to be gracious or kind." 

Kindness and grace are big themes with us. My HoH will often think he is being kind or gracious, and I think he is being lazy (not wanting to correct a behavior), or inconsistent for any of the above mentioned reasons. Sometimes I am genuinely grateful for a reprieve. I think that just complicated it more! 

One of the main concepts I am having to learn as a dd wife is to surrender complete control. I submit to my HoH when he is consistent and when he is not. I know he decides when I need to be punished and when I don't, and for how long and how hard it will be. Cognitively I know this and I agree to it. But, what about the emotions of it? The emotions and feelings are harder to control. 

Communication does go a long way in this. I need to respectfully express my needs and emotions to my HoH. I know he loves me and wants the very best for me and is willing to do what he can to meet my needs. However, often, I know my need will involve a painful spanking . . . and that is not so easy to admit. Often my HoH will ask me when I am having an emotional outburst of some kind: "are you asking for a spanking?" My response is ALWAYS: "NO!"  Of course I don't WANT a spanking. It hurts! But often, I know I need it to put me back in the right frame of mind emotionally. Most of the time, I can't actually admit that though. 

It is hard to admit, even to myself, that when my HoH is MORE strict with me and on top of things as the HoH, my respect for him and desire to please him also rise. 

Ultimately, I know my HoH is not ever being inconsistent on purpose, and I need to communicate frustration in this area in a respectful way...before it becomes a super emotional event! 

DD: The Emotional Roller Coaster

I have never been a detail person, and that includes the details of my own emotions. I never was one to recognize PMS or be aware of mood swings. . . .maybe they weren't bad or maybe I was just clueless to it. I am a flash in the pan kind of emotional person-- you know, something happens -- I erupt, huge fight and then most of the time the next day I can't even remember what it was about. I never was very in-tuned to my own emotions.

Then enter dd.

All of a sudden I knew and could articulate every emotion that flashed across my brain. At first it was out of necessity. Domestic discipline was completely new to us, both in idea and in practice. We were so in tune to each other over those first few weeks and even months. I think for the first months I barely had a thought involving him that I didn't share. 

As time went on, I am still acutely aware of my own emotions, but I have gotten worse at articulating those emotions to my HoH.

Honestly, my emotions are all over the place and I cannot always understand them, let alone articulate them.

I am ridiculously emotionally needy. I have always been an independent person. Not needy at all, and yet now I need to communicate with my husband more than ever. I need to know what he is thinking about us, and that we are ok constantly. Perhaps this will ease up in time, I hope so, because I hate being needy! 

I over think everything. Was that disrespecful? well, he didn't say anything. . . .so maybe it wasn't.... Then I end up frustrated. He isn't touching me enough....He isn't communicating enough. Is something wrong???  Too much thinking and making issues out of things that aren't. This is easily resolved in communication, but constantly asking my HoH is everything is ok or if he is upset about something has to be annoying to him!  

I am insatiable in the area of physical touch. Touch is definitely my love language, but over the last few months I cannot seem to get enough. Not sexual touch, but just intimate close body physical touch. I need to be cuddled not just after being punished but touched and held every morning, every night and any time in between! I can't sleep without his body touching mine in some way. I feel ridiculous for needing it, but I love it at the same time. (see this crazy roller coaster!?!)

I have a deep desire to experience regularly the closeness and "connectedness" we achieved in our initial months of dd. When we began dd, communication drastically changed. For one, my husband was granted a voice in our relationship that he had never had before. We began communicating every detail of emotion to "check up" on each other, to be sure dd was doing 'good' in our relationship. Because of that communication and the nature of dd, we experienced a closeness that is indescribable. Occasionally, due to different circumstances, that closeness or emotional connectedness gets broken. Having experienced it, there is no going back and I am completely out of sorts until it is re-established. 

So, what breaks that emotional connection?

--I am unsure such "constant connection" is feasible, and perhaps my expectation needs to be altered. I am not saying we should not be/feel connected, but life is busy and there may be times that we don't have that intense emotional connection.  I know we need to explore ways to gain it back when it is lost. Maintenance and role affirmation might play the biggest role here. Though as a dd wife, it is hard to admit the need for this, even when we know it will bring the desired outcome. 

--Lack of communication. Life gets busy, HoH's don't always share as much as we would like, I start to pull away emotionally when this happens. Perhaps there is something I am not telling him. I am pretty good at confessing a broken rule, but not so good at expressing my need to reconnect which might involve a spanking, or my lack of telling him when something he has "blown off" is unsettled with me still. I don't want to tell him how to be HoH, yet, I have this emotional need that needs to be dealt with. 

--Inconsistency on the part of the HoH. This is a big issue in the dd community. I know not everyone has experienced problems in this area, but I would assume it is pretty common. It is a pretty frustrating experience emotionally. The dd wife does something wrong, the HoH either doesn't address it at all or addresses it and does nothing about. So many emotions go through my mind when this happens, and I have no idea what causes the different reactions or when they will present themselves! 

I don't envy HoH's everywhere. Spank too often, we get upset. Not enough...we get angry. Too hard...we get mad...too light....we get frustrated. Goodness, I am glad I am the dd wife and not the HoH!

I really struggle with this emotional roller coaster. DD has been amazing in our marriage, but I often get frustrated with myself for being so needy. Am I alone in this? Am I crazy? ;) 

"We are doing it all wrong"

Not the words you want to hear from your HoH. A few weeks ago SC informed me that he was "doing it all wrong." Huh?!? Yeah, apparently after re-reading a few articles on LearningDD, he has decided he is not spanking hard enough. <gasp!> Wait a minute, Clint isn't always right . . . right?!?! ;) AGH. Seriously?!?

It has been a few weeks since SC has upped the degree of discipline. Good Grief! It has been tough. I still don't think he is meeting the guidelines exactly of how hard to spank (so he says anyway). But goodness...what would 3/4 strength feel like?!?! I pray I never find out! ;)

Beginner level? ummmmm . . . I think I need the beginner version for wimps!

Control . . . Still holding on?

I cannot believe how far we have come in our marriage and communication since we have started TTWD. I have certainly been aware of it, but I don't think I realized how radically things have changed until I got a glance into the past this last weekend.

We used to have a pretty predictable cycle to arguments pre-dd. SC would do or say something, I would react (more to how it was said than what...and usually making too much of nothing) and we would argue. I would be disrespectful and yell, making the argument about everything but the original issue. You know, the well if you would have just said X this way, I wouldn't be so upset. By the end of the argument we have fought about everything but the original issue, and it has been a whirlwind of tears and yelling-- my husband is angry and I have a headache. No one can remember how it even started. What a mess. Or the other side. I say or do something and hubby gets mad but says nothing until months go by and finally he can't take it any more and explodes to which I am blindsided because I thought we were fine and then I get mad over how he brought it up and enter previous cycle. ;)

Since dd...well, no more of any of that! As my HoH said this weekend, dd has given him a "voice" in our marriage and he has no desire to go back. I don't yell at my HoH anymore. It just doesn't happen. The first few months of our dd relationship focused purely on speaking respectfully to my HoH. One swat for every time I made a face or said a disrespectful anything. It didn't take long for me to "get it!" Things really have been great. If I do something or say something, my HoH addresses it and punishes me. I don't turn the tables on him and try to blame him or make it about him to get the focus off of me. (I never even realized I did this before.) If my HoH does something, I respectfully bring it to his attention and he either apologizes or at least hears me and we talk about it. No more arguing. Things have been great.

So...what happened last week? Why those steps backwards? It started with an issue that has been a hot button issue for us and cause some tension and some tears. Then...ugh. This weekend it all hit the fan.

Saturday morning my HoH informed me he needed to go somewhere to get something for some yard work. I pretty much said no, I needed him to help me at home. :( ok. yeah. not a good idea. He immediately was angry because this is something we struggled with in our life "pre-dd". He would need to do something and in his words I would not "value" his need and place my own above his. In typical fashion (for before dd) I turned it around and said he was being selfish by wanting to do what he wanted above what I wanted.

And then round and round we went.

At one point SC told me that as HoH if he told me he needed to go fishing for his mental health I would need to just accept that and trust him. I told him that if that was what dd meant I wanted no part of it.

ugh. How did we get there?

My HoH explained that he would never do that, and apologized, he was just making a point.

And I was a mess.

For days I have been thinking about this. I told SC that I didn't always trust his timing on things and that is why I don't just go along with what he wants/needs to do. He doesn't always know what I need around the house or the family schedule. He told me that was one area I was holding back.

Was I holding back? Do I control the calendar? Is it ok that I control the calendar? I mean, I do schedule the three kids and there are four of us and one of him so of course we have more on the calendar than he does. Weekends get busy with sports and birthday parties... I homeschool and need his help cleaning on the weekends to get ready for the week. But, am I controlling him or holding back control from him?

I don't know...maybe. But as I thought more about it, the issue of control is so complicated. As a dd wife we grant control to our HoH's, but ultimately the control to stop or pause is in our consent. This is complicated. Emotionally, I wonder if I am still holding on to some control. I told my HoH no. And when he reacted I reacted back.

I struggle with dd and equal positioning in our marriage. All the thoughts of but good communication says you should ask or if you just asked me I would . . . I don't think it's wrong to use good communication, but if he just tells me he is doing something... is that ok? He is the HoH. Why do I have such an issue with that? My hubby is a great guy. Why do I question him? Why do I question if he has my best interest at heart? Not only internally but actually question him about it?

I feel I am holding back a little. A little control I have not been willing to let go of. Honestly, I am not sure what to do about that. DD has been so great for our marriage, and after this reminder of how things used to be I definitely don't want to go back. But I don't know what to do with those emotions that rise up when he asserts authority when it involves him...I am ok with his authority when it corrects me when I have broken a rule but what about when his desires are asserted above mine...he is the HoH right? I know he would never abuse that so I should just be ok with it, right? ...but what about when I am not? How do I let that go? Or do I need to? Like I said . . . Complicated.