This week, I heard a lady on the radio talking about the two worst words to utter in an argument with a woman. "Calm down." She said it was the surest way to make a woman angry.
Back in our pre-dd days, those two words uttered at ANY time were enough to make me explode. I HATE being told to
calm down. It's like the other person is telling you that they are more in control than you, that they are more mature, or more rational. Perhaps all of those things
are true. :P but I still don't want to hear it! ;)
Especially Even from my husband. I hear the words in my head (in my best ghetto accent)
Them's fightin' words!"
I was telling SC about this radio show and I felt a little justified in my hatred for that phrase.
See it's not just me ya know? Telling a woman to calm down is counter productive. SC was not exactly amused.
Yeah, pretty sure I can tell you to calm down. And you will. Because I am the HoH
Hmmph. Roles quickly reaffirmed! Lol so much for my justification!
The truth is in the last 9 months, my loving and very much in charge HoH tells me in many ways (often) to "settle down," "calm down," "watch the attitude," etc. Maybe verbally or non verbally, but I certainly know what that raised eyebrow means... And USUALLY I get a clue pretty fast to respond and CALM DOWN.
One of the greatest benefits of dd in our marriage is how it takes the games out of it. When someone tells someone to calm down....usually they really need to. They may not want to hear it and the one saying it might not be completely innocent but hey... Truth is truth. But I know I was the master game player in arguments. I would make an argument about everything
BUT the issue at hand. I didn't do it intentionally, I am just emotional! Telling me to calm down in an argument would be an argument all to itself!
"Calm down" seems rather tame as compared to "get in the corner" or "over the bed" so why does it occasionally still drive me crazy? I mean I GAVE him that right when we entered a dd relationship. I
gave him the authority to be HoH. I have gotten better....most of the time I respond well to the warning, but then there are times when I am SUPER angry or aggravated about something (like this morning) and being told to "settle down" just makes me want to scream! I mean, I should be upset. I should be angry. Ok ok, we were at a sports activity for our son and perhaps I was making a bigger deal of it than I should .... And no, there was nothing that could be done about it then....BUT....BUT....talking about it makes me feel better! Ok ok, it was not helpful, and I should have calmed down...unfortunately I didn't heed the first warning and I feel pretty badly about how I handled it...
On a positive note, while it did frustrate me in that moment for him to call me out when I was upset about something, none of the old feelings of "how dare he" came anywhere near the surface. Gone are those days! Oh how far I have come, huh?!? The paradigm has shifted. Today I was frustrated because I
wanted to vent, not because he shouldn't have told me to
"calm down" as I used to think. He has every right...he's the HoH. And not only that, I am now forced to actually change MY behavior when called out instead of finding the fault in HIS behavior that contributed or played a part. Oh the joys of TTWD!
