Playfulness or Disrespect?

A very common complaint in the dd community is finding the balance between playfulness and disrespect.

Around here it might go something like this.

I swat SC with the kitchen rag. He turns around and swats me harder. I giggle swat him back, stick my tongue out at him... and before you know it I am bent over a counter getting more than I ever intended for crossing that imaginary (always moving) line.

I have a very "sanguine" personality. I like to laugh, and play, and push limits. I push limits not because I want to disrespect or make my husband angry, but because I find it fun.

SC has quite the opposite personality. He is very "melancholy" -- very orderly and serious. (It's amazing he married me! Or that I don't regularly drive him batty!) He will often "play" around with me, but his line in the sand is often in what I would consider weird places...as in, I would have never thought (or realized) that it would be considered disrespect.

Now there are some things that I have learned in the last 17 or so months will make him mad enough to at least give "serious" as in not playful swats-- sticking my tongue out at him (I still don't know why I do that...), pinching him, rolling my eyes...those are just a few.

Swatting him is minimally tolerated. As in, he doesn't like it but will just swat back harder every time. I play the game. It makes me laugh even though I know I am getting much much worse than I am giving. There is a point that crosses the line with this...or with playing around in other areas as well.

I am pretty sensitive, and this caused a problem or awhile. I would play hard and he would play back and then all of a sudden he was angry and I was in trouble. I am sure it wasn't all of a sudden for him, but I was totally missing the warning signs. You know, it's all fun and games until someone gets spanked!

And because I am sensitive I would get my feelings hurt. I didn't intend or want to make him angry or to cross the line into disrespect, but sometimes the line isn't so obvious to me.

In the beginning it was even worse. Whenever I would play around and he would "let it go" I was thinking he was being inconsistent. Then when he would be consistent and punish every time, I would think, wait! I miss being playful! I don't want to change who I am!

And then sometimes I would play to get a rise out of him...to test the limits on purpose to be sure he was being consistent-- bratting.

Needless to say, it was a mess!

One thing that helped initially was that he would swat every time. Playing or not. Okay or not. This established that even in messing around or being playful, he was still the HoH.

Bartting is not allowed. At all. I am expected to communicate with him any need for R/A or maintenance, or any need I may have. Bratting gets me spanked...way harder than anything I would have initially needed to be set straight.

A few months ago we came up with a new plan to add to this. Something so silly, but it has made all the difference. I can play and be silly (he swats back hard still!) but when he has had enough or I have crossed the line he simply says my name. That is an all stop. It keeps me from having my feelings hurt since it is gentle and discrete, but it also keeps it from going to far.

It has made a huge difference for us. I need to be able to play, and I need to have that sassy part of my personality be a part in our relationship, but I really don't want to disrespect him or make him angry...this has helped establish the line. Since the line moves, at least he can tell me now without me getting hurt or upset!

Levels of Distancing

I have been planning for weeks to do a New Year's post...You know: New Years, New Rules, etc...but I have put it off so long I am moving on!

I have missed you all!

I had a rough week...My H was out of town this week, and I was in a rough place emotionally.... emotional conversations with family members, kids acting out, not feeling well, add a hormone or two and well yeah, it got ugly. I got ugly. And the worst part? I didn't care.

OK. Maybe I did care. I mean, I knew I would be in trouble. And sheesh, punishments HURT!!! I wasn't interested in that...but emotionally I was shutting down. There was a disconnect between what I knew I needed to do and what I was feeling capable of.

The week didn't go well. I was a mess, yelled way too much, and broke the "new" New Year's rule (not to eat when I am not hungry) way too many times-- (emotional eater that I am!)

He came home today. I knew I would be spanked, and I knew it was going to be rough so I went ahead and made arrangements for the kids to elsewhere so we could have a "date night" that started at home...

I missed him to much. And yet, I couldn't help the sassy attitude and disrespect that kept slipping out. I was in a bad place.


The 5th D. Many of us are well acquainted with this d, and may even be spanked for it occasionally...

When I am emotionally distanced, I don't seek to please him. I don't desire or even pretend to want to submit to him. He always brings me back, but the farther gone I am the "harder and longer" it takes to get me back.

We have a little code.

"I'm floating" This is code for-- I sense the warning signs of me wanting to distance. Please call me back! I am not bratting here, but the thoughts are crossing my mind. It is a warning for him that I need him to pull me back fast. Usually maintenance or RA is needed.

"I'm sailing"  This is the step after "floating." I am drifting. I don't just feel myself pulling away, I am pulling away. I may begin to test or brat. I am not fully gone, but it's coming...my ship is sailing!

"I'm soaring" For when I am totally gone. Distanced. Disconnected. Reconnection is desperately needed and it is not going to be a pleasant experience. This is not a fun place to be, and while it doesn't happen often... it does happen if either I don't wave the white flag and warn him when I am "floating" or "sailing" or if he doesn't notice on his own (which I wait for sometimes...I mean he should see me floating right?!?!) ok. ok. I know he can't read minds....but eye rolls and defiant body language??? OK yeah, I know I am a brat...but when I am soaring I just can't help it!!! When I am soaring, I like to think I look like this--

But in reality... I am more like this--

And I am headed here if SC doesn't intervene--

When SC got home today he recognized my attitude right away. (I mean who wouldn't... I was a sassy mess.) He gave me that look and asked, "soaring?"

I looked at him. Shook my head and said "Soaring? Oh No. I am MIA."

Sometimes, you are so far gone you don't even want to think about what will bring you back!!! Thankfully, thinking about that is not my job. It's SC's. And he takes it very seriously. (As my sore bum can attest to.)

He brought me right back to him where I belong. No it was not fun. It was not pleasant. It HURT! But as my sore bottom rubbed up against him after, and my heart longed to submit once again....I remember why we do this. And why distancing is the 5th "D."

Disrespect-- Who defines it?

I would venture to say respect (or lack thereof) is a key component in most dd relationships. Respect is key. Wives must respect their hoh's and hoh's must respect their wives for this relationship to work. It is a cornerstone value in a good relationship.

But it can also be an arbitrary value. I mean, who decides what is disrespectful? Can the simple fact that a person feels disrespected mean that the other person truly was disrespectful? Does disrespect necessitate some kind of intent or attitude? Can disrespect be completely accidental or does there usual precipitate some kind of underlying attitude issue?

These are some of the questions I have asked over and over again.

Especially when my h gives me that *look.* You know the one.

Then I give him back the *other* look-- you know the--who me? what did I do?-- all innocent look. That wasn't disrespectful!

A few weeks ago was one of those times.

My h was unhappy because I was cutting my children's fingernails in the bathroom...at the same time he was in there shaving. <insert puzzled look here>

I was baffled. Why on earth was he upset at this???

He tells me that we have had this conversation before and he does not want the children in there during his morning routine. He doesn't like to be interrupted.

My baffled persona quickly turned annoyed...right after those darn 3 words.

It is disrespctful.

Disresepctful?!?!?! How in the world can cutting the children's finger nails be construed as disrespect???

You think everything is disrespect. 

Well, that comment got me over the bed in about two shakes of nothing.

And THAT made me mad.

WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!! That wasn't disrespectful. That was making a statement! 

We have had the premise of this conversation often -- who decides disrespect? The one doing the disrespecting or the one being disrespected? I mean, truthfully, one could feel disrespected by any little thing right??? That is not the other person's fault right? Doesn't disrespect need some kind of intent??? Don't I have to mean disrespect to be disrespectful?

My H doesn't think so. And around here, he decides what is disrespect. I don't always think it's fair...I mean, what about if he misunderstood what I meant??? Usually we are on the same page and I recognize the disrespect when he calls me on it...but sometimes? Sometimes, I just want to call foul! I think I should have some say if I was being disrespectful or not!!!

What do you all think???? Who determines disrespect? If someone feels disrespected does it automatically make the other person guilty of being disrespectful???

Stay-mission: A Submission Staycation

Awhile back we were struggling with my not being able to find that "submissive" place. . .

A few weeks of a rough patch, feeling rather disconnected, and me feeling rather off in my submission, led us to a mini- boot camp, boss weekend but not quite weekend experience. We only had 24 hours, we haven't even read the boot camp books, so I dubbed the experience a "stay-mission"-- A submission staycation.

I drove the kids to my parents, came and picked up SC and we headed to the grocery store. I say I picked him up, but really as soon as I pulled into the driveway, he kicked me out of the driver's seat..he's kind of controlling like that...

We grabbed what we needed and headed home. I was pretty nervous. We hadn't talked about expectations or rules for the time ... I handed over my phone when we got into the parking lot assuming that would be an expectation. I kept glancing nervously at him. Questioning. He just smiled. 

As we got home and I started making dinner...we thought making dinner together at home would be better that going out...give us something to do together, and offer more privacy. I think it was way more awkward than it should have been!

(hindsight is 20/20 and we definitely should have talked more about expectations!)

After dinner he laid out the plan.

• I had to ask for permission for everything. (drink of water, bathroom, etc)
• He planned 4 spankings in that 24 hour period (I ended up earning two extra making the total 6)
• I was to use "sir" the entire time. (He only usually requires this during punishments)
• A complete submissive attitude was the goal. 
• Internet/phone was limited. (He had my phone and pretty much said no any time I asked to use it or the ipad). 
• There would be a zero tolerance policy on respect
• Immediate obedience would be expected, and some things would not be easy
• He picked out my genre of clothing (or lack thereof...not sure lingerie is considered clothing????) 

Conclusion? 

It was tough! Four spankings in a short time was tough! And having 2 extra in there was tougher!

Apparently I needed an extreme reset to get me to find that submissive place. I must have been far gone. Of course it has been awhile and apparently that submissive me didn't stick around....oops. 

I definitely think the experience was a good one. I definitely could have done without the last "it could always be worse" spanking. ACK. 

I appreciated the level of dominance he displayed. I originally thought such an experience would freak me out, but I felt so close to him and so loved and cherished. 

I certainly could never live day to day with that level of control, but I can certainly see the benefit of a weekend like this here and there. 

Sorry for the lack of details...it was a while ago! I need to be better about this blogging thing!

10 Things My Vanilla Friends Would Be Horrified to Know about Me...

You know that number thing going on around Facebook? Like the status and you get a number and have to share that many things about yourself? Well, my number is 10. Only I can't share the things NO ONE really knows... but it would be fun if I could, just imagine their reaction!

(please don't hate, don't judge...this is supposed to be the safe place right....RIGHT?!?!? ;)

1. I am submissive. (I know, I know, no surprise to all of you, but my vanilla friends would fall over in their chairs laughing at that statement!)

2. My husband spanks me. Like when I break rules..and for fun...but they aren't the same...in fact...I am sitting here writing this on a pretty bruised bum...

3.  I often call my husband "Sir" .... well, sometimes he requires it. 

4. I have to write lines for doing stupid things sometimes...and I have had to stand in the corner once in a while...

5. We go all 50 Shades in the bedroom occasionally...

6. There are bondage "things" hidden in our room--- attached to the bed actually...and other places...

7.  My husband has a "toy bag." (yeah those kinds of toys SC is a bit of a toy and implement junkie...the good and the bad...going to need a 2nd bag soon) (I keep saying we need to put a disclaimer on it in case we die...you know "Do not look in here if we die, just throw this bag away!")

8. My Kindle is full of dd and spanking fiction. Go ahead...be horrified. And yes, I have been spanked for spending too much on spanking fiction...go ahead and laugh...

9. Yes, I read all three 50 Shades books...yes, I know I vehemently denied it...but really they are tame and boring compared to Renee Rose and Maddie Taylor...

10. Oh, and BTW, I write a secret blog about my life in domestic discipline...

Can you just imagine those vanilla faces?!?! Oh my... oh well. Guess I will go write something from which they won't die of a heart attack ...

The Importance of Spanking in DD (for me)

Recently I read a post of at LDD about dd without spanking. I admit, I did a lot of thinking about this. You hear a lot of dd people say how spanking is only part of it...a small part for many. So, I have given this a bit of thought, because honestly, for us, spanking has been a big part of dd.
(I completely understand that this is not the same for all...and that for some couples spanking does not work the same way...and that for some spanking is impossible.)*disclaimer -- hence the title of this post! 

We as dd wives often talk about the fact that we don't know why spanking works, we just know it does.

It settles us.

It is stress relief

It resets us

It helps us to remain/get into a submissive state

It works, and is therefore, for us, a critical part of dd.

This week, I got a taste of life in dd without spanking. Something happened last week that kind of upset the cart. SC declared us on a spanking hiatus until he could work it out. He was still HoH, I was still to keep the rules, there would still be consequences, just not spanking.

Corner time, journal entries...they just don't "reset" like a spanking does. I still feel guilt for much of the last week...Corner time makes me ANGRY...so that's not very effective! :P

I have just felt...unsettled.

So, that made me think more...what IS IT about spanking... why does that do what it does?

I still don't have all the answers...but I think my eyes were opened a little.

1. It asserts his authority

2. It causes you to submit-- the simple act of being sent to the bedroom or over the bed can sometimes resettle me into submission

3. It humbles you: The simple act of going OTB or OTK is a HUMBLING position

4. Physical connection: simple hand to bottom connection-- It is not only physical connection, but the physical connection does further amplify your roles

5. It strips your defenses-- It is hard to be defensive in this position. You are no longer defending yourself or attacking your HoH, you are focused on where you failed, and how to not do it again. 

6. It renders you physically vulnerable-- no where to go, nothing else to distract

7. It renders you emotionally vulnerable-- all false pretenses are gone in this position

8. It releases guilt-- things are atoned

9. It releases the HoH from any frustration or disappointment-- he has "taken care of things"

10. The pain causes physical release of endorphins in your body-- this can feel like an emotional release. (catharsis)

11. It leads to a physical reconnection

12. It leads to emotional reconnection. 


Corner time, lines, essays, grounding...while all effective punishments in their own right, do not do what spankings do (for me).

While I know some are perfectly content to have dd without spanking...dd without spanking has left me restless and disconnected. I feel like I did before dd-- we are "fine". "Fine" is no longer acceptable....

Good thing he has declared R/A for tonight...I am ready to be back connected in his arms...after being over his lap of course.


**this was written a few days ago...we have had R/A and all is right in our little world once again!

Role Affirmation

What is Role-Affirmation?

Role Affirmation is a lot like maintenance spankings, but unlike maintenance which can target a specific rule needed to be worked on, or simply be regularly scheduled for any number of reasons, role affirmation is solely for the purpose of reaffirming the roles of HoH and submissive wife. Role Affirmation is not as severe as punishment spankings, for us they are more like maintenance. For us Role Affirmation spankings are always done OTK as opposed to punishments which are almost always done OTB. Being OTK makes me feel more connected. The physical closeness and connectedness helps plays a part in the emotional reconnection that happens during R/A.

Why Role-Affirmation? 

Staying submissive is not easy for me. And once I start slipping here or there, I steamroll fast. My husband is amazing, but he is not a mind reader, and he doesn't always see the small subtle cues that I am battling my inner-submissive. If he doesn't catch it early, it isn't long before I am a sassy mess. The eye rolling, disrespectful comments, and yes, the dreaded bratting begins in full force.

Without putting the breaks on quickly, it all too quickly leads to a punishment spanking. Except...there is something that can stop it before it gets out of hand-- role affirmation. A role affirmation spanking can reset us in our roles and reaffirm my HoH in his place as head of our relationship and me in the submissive role. I offer submission, but sometimes I need to be reminded that he took me up on it!

Another reason for role affirmation is before or after either partner has been away. We find this very helpful. Not always, but occasionally before either of us leave he will do R/A to help me get in the right frame of mind before either of us leave. Whenever I am away from him, the dynamics of life change, and I don't have the constant interaction with him that helps our dd dynamic thrive. Often when we are apart, I am left in charge of everything-- the house, the kids, day to day decisions. It is easy to slip into isolated independence. While there is nothing wrong with providing that which is needed while he is gone, sometimes the transition back to him physically present is challenging. I am out of the practice of asking permission for certain things, am not as careful of my tone with him, being held accountable consistently, etc. When we come back together, he will usually use Role-Affirmation as a way to reconnect and reestablish us back in our roles.

One of the major benefits for me of R/A is that it can often keep me from receiving a punishment spanking. I know the concept of a spanking preventing a spanking is rather counter-intuitive, but it works. DD is pretty much entirely pragmatic right? We do it because it works...not because we can explain it! If SC sees me edging closer to the line, he can often reign me in with R/A before it gets to the point that he has to punish. A lot of times for this purpose it is in the mornings when he is about to leave for the day, and he can see that the track I am does not have the greatest outlook for the day. A quick trip to the bathroom for some R/A resettles me and drastically increases the statistical probability I will make it through the day without breaking a rule! Since R/A spankings are nowhere near as hard as a punishment spanking, I would much rather catch it early and skip the punishment!

Who Initiates Role-Affirmation?

In the beginning, I was often the one to initiate role-affirmation. I would never come out and say "I need a role affirmation spanking..." I am not crazy! I would say little things like "I am feeling unsettled..." or "I feel disconnected." He began to understand those cues, and he would offer R/A.

After awhile, I felt less comfortable expressing my needs in this area. I admit this is a fault. I should be comfortable with it, but I think most dd wives understand the frustration of feeling needy! Asking for R/A made me feel needy...why couldn't I just feel submissive? Why do I need to be spanked to avoid a spanking? Frustrating and futile self-talk. The fact of the matter is...it helps, so I need to embrace it.

SC is the one who initiates it before or after being away. He will declare time for R/A if he seems me slipping or edging too close to the line. In our relationship, either can initiate. In his case he declares it, and in mine I may request it...or more likely subtly hint to the need for it!

Who initiate will likely depend on your dd dynamic. Some HoH's might be ok with the wife suggesting or asking for it...others might not.

How is it different than maintenance?

Some may read this and ask, this sounds an awful lot like maintenance. And maybe in your dd relationship, maintenance is enough. For us, while we don't do "regularly" scheduled maintenance, SC will call for maintenance if he sees a slip in certain rules, or I need reminding of a certain rule or rules. In maintenance, SC always goes over our list of rules and refocusing on all rules and our relationship is the goal. Role Affirmation is almost like targeted maintenance. It isn't for any particular infraction or reminder, it is simply about reminding both HoH and submissive wife of their roles. While maintenance has many physical purposes-- keeping you from physically needed a punishment, Role Affirmation is purely emotional-- reestablish the connection before you act out due to emotional unsettledness.

But is it fair?

I know a lot of couples have issues with the ideas of maintenance and role-affirmation. DD is TTWD...we all have to be comfortable with the boundaries of our own dynamics. If this works for you, great. If it doesn't, great!

I think with R/A, if it doesn't "work" for the wife-- make her more submissive, feeling emotionally connected, and happy with the relationship, then this wouldn't be fair and she wouldn't want it. However, if it does the intended or the wife requests it...perhaps it is worth a shot. If either partner feels uncomfortable with it afterward, you know that R/A isn't for you.

Well, those are my thoughts on R/A...written as requested by a dear friend and fellow blogger. Hope it helps someone!